How to Deal with Jealousy
No one enjoys feeling jealous. Yet, jealousy is an inevitable emotion that pretty much every one of us will experience. The problem with jealousy isn’t that it comes up from time to time, but what it does to us when we don’t get a hold on it. It can be frightening to experience what happens when we allow our jealousy to overpower us or to shape the way we feel about ourselves and the world around us. That is why understanding where our jealous feelings actually come from and learning how to deal with jealousy in healthy, adaptive ways is key to so many areas of our lives from our interpersonal relationships to our careers to our personal goals.
So, why are we so jealous?
Unsurprisingly, studies have shown that increased jealousy correlates with lower self-esteem. “Many of us are often unaware of the basic shame that exists within us, because it comes so naturally to think self-critical thoughts about ourselves. Yet, shame from our past can heavily influence the degree to which we feel jealous and insecure in the present,” said Dr. Lisa Firestone, author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice. As she and her father Dr. Robert Firestone define it, the “critical inner voice” is a form of negative self-talk. It perpetuates destructive thoughts and feelings, driving us to compare, evaluate and judge ourselves (and often others) with great scrutiny. This is one reason why learning how to deal with jealousy is so important.
This voice can fuel our feelings of jealousy by filling our heads with critical and suspicious commentary. In fact, what our critical inner voice tells us about our situation is often harder to cope with than the situation itself. A rejection or betrayal from our partner is painful, but what often hurts us even more are all the terrible things our critical inner voice tells us about ourselves after the event. “You’re such a fool. Did you really think you could just be happy?” “You’ll wind up alone. You should never trust anyone again.”
To illustrate how this internal enemy feeds our negative feelings around jealousy, we’ll look closer at two types of jealousy: romantic jealousy and competitive jealousy. While these two forms of jealousy often overlap, considering them separately can help us better understand how jealous feelings may be affecting different areas of our lives and how we can best deal with jealousy.
Romantic Jealousy
It’s a basic reality that relationships go smoother when people don’t get overly jealous. The more we can get a hold on our feelings of jealousy and make sense of them separate from our partner, the better off we will be. Remember, our jealousy often comes from insecurity in ourselves – a feeling like we are doomed to be deceived, hurt or rejected. Unless we deal with this feeling in ourselves, we are likely to fall victim to feelings of jealousy, distrust or insecurity in any relationship, no matter what the circumstances.
These negative feelings about ourselves originate from very early experiences in our lives. We often take on feelings our parents or important caretakers had toward us or toward themselves. We then, unconsciously, replay, recreate or react to old, familiar dynamics in our current relationships. For example, if we felt cast aside as kids, we may easily perceive our partner as ignoring us. We may choose a partner who’s more elusive or even engage in behaviors that would push our partner away.
The extent to which we took on self-critical attitudes as children often shapes how much our critical inner voice will affect us in our adult lives, especially in our relationships. Yet, no matter what our unique experiences may be, we all possess this inner critic to some degree. Most of us can relate to carrying around a feeling that we won’t be chosen. The degree to which we believe this fear affects how threatened we will feel in a relationship.
In her blog “Are You the Cause of Your Jealousy? ,” Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote, “Lurking behind the paranoia toward our partners or the criticisms toward a perceived third-party threat, are often critical thoughts toward ourselves. Thoughts like, ‘What does he see in her?’ can quickly turn into ‘She is so much prettier/thinner/more successful than me!’ Even when our worst fears materialize, and we learn of a partner’s affair, we frequently react by directing anger at ourselves for being “foolish, unlovable, ruined or unwanted.”
Like a sadistic coach, our critical inner voice tells us not to trust or be too vulnerable. It reminds us we are unlovable and not cut out for romance. It’s that soft whisper that plants the seed of doubt, suspicion and uncertainty. “Why is she working late?” “Why is he choosing his friends over me?” “What is she even doing when I’m away?” “How come he’s paying so much attention to what she’s saying?”
Those of us familiar with how jealousy works know that, all too often, these thoughts will slowly start to sprout and blossom into much larger, more engrained attacks on ourselves and/or our partner. “She doesn’t want to be around you. There must be someone else.” “He’s losing interest. He wants to get away from you.” “Who would want to listen to you? You’re so boring.”
These jealous feeling can arise at any point in a relationship, from a first date to the 20th year of a marriage. In an attempt to protect ourselves, we may listen to our inner critic and pull back from being close to our partner. Yet, in an ultimate catch 22, we also tend to feel more jealous when we’ve retreated from pursuing what we want. If we know on some level we’re not making our relationship a priority or actively going after our goal of being loving or close, we tend to feel more insecure and more jealous. That is why it’s even more essential to learn how to deal with jealousy and not to blindly act on jealous feelings by pushing our partner further away.
Competitive Jealousy
While it may feel pointless or illogical, it is completely natural to want what others have and to feel competitive. However, how we use these feelings is very important to our level of satisfaction and happiness. If we use these feelings to serve our inner critic, to tear down ourselves or others, that is clearly a destructive pattern with demoralizing effects. However, if we don’t let these feelings fall into the hands of our critical inner voice, we can actually use them to acknowledge what we want, to be more goal-directed or even to feel more accepting of ourselves and what affects us.
It’s okay, even healthy, to allow ourselves to have a competitive thought. It can feel good when we simply let ourselves have the momentary feeling without judgment or a plan for action. However, if we ruminate or twist this thought into a criticism of ourselves or an attack on another person, we wind up getting hurt. If we find ourselves having an overreaction or feeling haunted by our feelings of envy, we can do several things.
- Be aware of what gets triggered. Think about the specific events that cause you to feel stirred up. Is it a friend who’s having financial success? An ex who’s dating someone else? A co-worker who speaks her mind in meetings?
- Ask yourself what critical inner voices come up. What types of thoughts do these jealous feelings spark? Are you using these feelings of jealousy to put yourself down? Do they make you feel insignificant, incapable, unsuccessful etc.? Is there a pattern or theme to these thoughts that feels familiar?
- Think about the deeper implications and origins of these thoughts: Do you feel a certain pressure to achieve a particular thing? Is there something you think you’re supposed to be? What would getting this thing mean about you? Does this connect to your past?
Once we’ve asked ourselves these questions, we can understand how these feelings may have more to do with unresolved issues within us than with our current life or the person our jealousy is directed at. We can have more compassion for ourselves and try to suspend the judgments that lead us to feel insecure.
How to Deal with Jealousy
What to Do:
- Consider what’s being stirred up – Daniel Siegel uses the acronym SIFT to describe how we can sift through the sensations, images, feelings and thoughts that come up when we reflect on certain issues in our lives. We should try to do just that when we feel jealous. We can consider what sensations, images, feelings and thoughts jealousy brings up. Does the current scenario trigger something old – a family dynamic or long-held, negative self-perception? The more we can connect these emotions or overreactions to the past events that created them in the first place, the clearer we can feel in our present-day situation.
- Calm down and stay vulnerable – No matter how jealous we feel, we can find ways to come back to ourselves and soften. We can do this by first, accepting our emotions with compassion. Remember that no matter how strong we feel, our feelings tend to pass in waves, first building, then subsiding. It’s possible to accept and acknowledge our jealousy without acting on it. We can learn tools to calm ourselves down before reacting, for example, by taking a walk or a series of deep breaths. It’s a lot easier to calm down in this way when we refuse to tolerate or indulge in the angry words of our inner critic, so learning steps to challenge it is essential. When we do, we can stand up for ourselves and the people we care for and remain vulnerable and open in how we relate.
- Don’t act out – Our critical inner voice tends to advise us to take actions that can hurt us in the long run. Once it spirals us into a state of jealousy, it may tell us to give up or stop going after what we want. It may lead us to self-sabotage, blow up at or punish someone we respect. If we’re in a relationship, it may tell us to ice or lash out at our partner. When we do this, all we do is create the dynamic we’re afraid of. We may hurt and undermine our partners’ loving feelings for us and stir up their own feelings of distrust and fear. We may inadvertently encourage them to become more closed off, less open about their feelings, thoughts and actions, which then adds to our feelings of distrust and jealousy.
- Seek our own sense of security – The best thing we can do is focus on feeling strong and secure in ourselves. We have to do the work to conquer our inner critic and believe that we are okay, even on our own. We don’t need one specific person’s love to believe we’re loveable. Human beings are full of flaws and limitations, and no one can give us what we need 100 percent of the time. This is why it’s so important to practice self-compassion and learn to stand up to our own inner critic. This doesn’t mean shutting people out or shutting ourselves off from what we want. It actually means embracing our lives wholeheartedly, while believing that we’re strong enough to fail or lose. No matter what, we can handle the emotions that arise.
- Stay competitive – A lot of people frown upon the idea of competing, but what we’re talking about here isn’t a goal of being the best, but a personal goal of being at our best. That means feeling like ourselves and embracing the qualities that will serve us in pursuing what we want. Rather than letting the green monster turn us into monsters, we can allow ourselves to feel inspired, to connect with who we want to be and take actions that bring us closer to that. If we want the respect of those around us, we have to be mindful and considerate in our interactions. If we want to feel the consistent love of our partner, we must commit to engaging in loving acts each and every day. If we maintain a desire to act with integrity and go after our goals, we win the most important battle we will face, the struggle to realize and become our true selves -separate from anyone else.
- Talk about it – When something like jealousy is taking over, it’s important to find the right person to talk to and a healthy way to express what we feel. The people who support a positive side of us and who help stop us from ruminating or sinking deeper into our sorrows are the kind of friends we want to talk to about our jealousy. We all have friends who get a little too worked up when we bring up certain subjects, and these may not be the best friends to seek out when we ourselves are feeling triggered and riled up. We should try to find people who will support us staying on track and being the kind of individuals we want to be. Venting to these friends is fine as long as it’s a matter of letting out our irrational thoughts and feelings, while acknowledging that they’re exaggerated and irrational. This process works only when it relieves us of the feeling and allows us to move on and take reasonable actions. If we’re suffering with feelings of jealousy, it’s also very wise to seek the help of a therapist. This can help us make sense of our feelings and get a handle on them, while acting in healthier, adaptive ways.
In a relationship, it’s important to maintain open, honest communication with our partner. If we hope to have their trust and for them to have ours, we have to listen to what they say without growing defensive or rushing to judgment. This open line of communication is not about unloading our insecurities on our partner, but instead, allowing ourselves to be kind and connected, even when we feel insecure or jealous. This naturally helps our partner to do the same.
There’s no question, that it takes a certain level of emotional maturity to deal with the many feelings around jealousy. It takes a willingness to challenge our critical inner voice and all the insecurities it generates. It also takes willpower to step back and resist acting on our impulsive, jealous reactions. However, when we foster this power in ourselves, we realize we are a lot stronger than we think. By learning how to deal with jealousy, we become more secure in ourselves and in our relationships.
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I hate I’m jealous. My wife is not and she does not understand why I feel this way.
I am suffering from crippling jealousy at the moment and it is completely irrational but it’s something I can’t help but fee. I sometimes think I need to switch off my brain to allow myself to understand how I really feel – is this even possible?
I hate that I’m feel so much jealousy. I don’t know if I should tell my partner about this. I am very very jealous of his female friend. I don’t want to ruin there friendship because they go way back, even before and him met. But I can’t help but feel jealous. It is killing me inside.
What kind of jealousy? Like, is it about a new flame, or what?
Admittedly, it’s more difficult to deal with jealousy when your partner doesn’t share your feelings, ya know?
How do you deal with jealousy of an OBJECT?
I have REALLY GREAT reason to feel shame for my jealousy: I’m jealous of something good happening to my own daughter! I should be thrilled, right?
So, I had a great phone, but it broke and cannot afford to replace it. When I got my phone, I told her we could share it, but she didn’t want to; she wanted her privacy. She had no reason for an expensive phone, because she didn’t even have friends. (She didn’t want any.) But then not two months ago she met a guy. He surprised her with a brand new, very expensive phone last night!
I know I should be extremely thrilled for her, but I’m not. Instead, I’m scared they’re moving too quickly. I’m scared he’s going to want to move in here while she’s still in high school, because he loses his apartment in March. And I’m jealous as all get out that she’s going to be going nuts in front of me about this freaking awesome phone, while I can only look at mine and wish I could replace it.
If anyone knows any good self-talk to give myself, I sure would appreciate it.
Is it really the phone as an object that you are jealous of, or what it represents, ie. a social connection to friends and others? Does your daughter getting this new phone make you feel old or less popular? Do you miss the attention that the phone is giving her, especially as she has a new boyfriend?
I understand where you are coming from. But I realised that the jealousy I was feeling was that I felt lonely and that I needed to make new friends and be busy myself so that I didn’t have time to compare myself negatively to others.
Good luck 🙂
I am 17 and my boyfriend is 9 years older. I am very mature for my age. However I became jelous of my boyfriend’s sister who is 5 years older than me. They live together on their own. They immigrated here 5 years ago. At the beggining I was jelous because she is his younger sister that he looks after and loves and I am just a girl he has sex with. I felt very insecure about my age as well because all of his friends are older and he was embarassed when I was still 16. I also have very low self esteem due to events in childhood.Suddenly I became jelous of his sister. She was older, shorter height than me(my boyfriend said he likes short girls),has bigger breas, she lived with my boyfriend, studies in university etc. I realised that i am getting jelous for insignificant and minor things. But it has been half a year that this is bothering me so much that I think about it everyday. For example I always wanted to be taller and now I am jelous she is shorter or jelous that she is older or going to university. I will be older eventually and I am going to university next year. So it really doesnt make sense why I feel this way but I need to over come this jelousy and to feel more comfortable with myself. If anyone can help, it will be much appreciated. Article was really useful but some more individual advice would be nice too.
Jen, I hope things have settled down for you with your daughter. Your story raised a lot of flags for me, in the “nothing comes for free” department of my brain. Also, it is illogical that the boyfriend can afford a brand new phone, and not an apartment. I would be very concerned about who this boy is, how he makes money to afford a gift like that, and what the nature of your daughter’s relationship with him is. It is standard practice for pimps to be a girl’s “boyfriend” first, who, after bestowing expensive gifts on the girl, turns her, and expects her to “work it off,” and to recruit other girls, etc. This is probably not the case, and I hope it is not. But your daughter’s situation did not make sense to me. I hope you have got a handle on your jealousy. It really sucks.
So, how do I deal with a Jealous attitude when ever they’re simply attacking my past and refusing to listen and learn anything about who I am as a person and only making up fallacies of who I was because of a picture of my past, I can no understand how to communicate who I am because of my isolated past something, they quite frankly state is impossible for me to be because I am too open as a person today?
I am jealous of my husbands co-worker who is a woman. They spent a lot of time together at work due to work reasons,.but I cant bare it. What can I do? If they joke around, or go out with other co-workers it is torture for me. Please help.
Idk my issue with jealousy. I love this chick to death to the point where im affraid of her ditchin me but i always seem to be second best n i cry over this shit and ruin everything we have and it drives me insane…
This brought me inside my own relation And even if my relationship does end I will take what I have leaned from reading this and start to apply this in my life from now now and to get to the bottom of my Jealousy it is so toxic To my life and don’t want any particular it any more
I am jealous that my coworker is showing more interest in my other coworker than me. It irritates me that the feelings are even happening. I don’t want this person as a boyfriend but I am still jealous. I realized after reading this article that I do punish him when he pays more attention to her than me. He hates when I get quiet and don’t talk to him. And I completely shutdown and don’t talk when he shows me less attention. I hate feeling like I’m not enough to keep his attention.
I’m 14, in 8th grade and I have a boyfriend. He has a lot of friends, some in his 8 grade and some in the 7th grade. So no big deal until we have track practices for school. Me and him head out of the class to the grass and this 7th grade girl ALWAYS seems to want to talk to him or be near him. So at first I was just like ok it’s just his friend but still knowing my jealousy, it attack’s me alittle. So I try to ignore it. As the weeks go by, he seems different around her. He always brings her up in our text messages, like oh you should be friends with her and so on. So a day or 2 go by and she adds me on Snapchat and I think oh cool a new friend. Then I text my boyfriend “hello” and I can see he is online and so is the 7th grade girl. He still didn’t open or reply back to me and he gets offline. Then I noticed he got offline when the other girl got offline and this happened like 5times in the same day. So then I try not to think about it, so I go on Instagram, he has just added the same 7th grade girl(who I am jealous of) and likes all of her stuff. Then here comes my little inner voice telling me all over again to get JEALOUS. I just need to know how to overcome jealousy. Even though I read this article ( which is AMAZING ) I still can’t get over the fact of me being jealous. Thanks to whoever took their time reading this and maybe you can reply and tell me what I should do with my situation. Thanks
Thank you so much,,,, very relatable 🙂
Seth,
I am in the same position, don’t give into the negative thoughts. If she is with you, then you have her, enjoy the time with her, dwell on the positive. I am dating a woman who is a “10” and I am a solid “6”, so I worry all the time, but its stupid of me to worry about losing her and being jealous of other guys….she chose me for a reason, so embrace your relationship and do your best to love her. Love will win….
Hi. I believe that you should try and assess if your boyfriend is contributing to making you jealous. For eg, my boyfriend has many female friends who are close to him. But he still manages to make me feel special, treats me differently than the other girls and I thus I don’t feel jealous. However, If your boyfriend doesn’t prioritize you or does things that make you jealous all the time you should talk to him about it.
Me and my ex split around a year ago, recently he told me that he was seeing someone. We see each other every now and then and are still contact. When he told me he was seeing someone it tore me up inside, I can’t get the image of them being intimate out of my head and I am overcome with jealousy and sadness. I miss him and I am still in love with him, we both want to remain friends and be in each other’s lives (agreed to this after the break up which actually was a result of my jealousy and insecurity in myself) I am trying to cope and I have even written him a later explaining how I feel but I won’t send it. I want him in my life and I want to stay in contact. I almost called him to say that we can’t be friends but when we were together last week it was mentioned that if it had of been another place or time we could have worked out. Am I holding on to something that isn’t really there and that’s why I’m feeling jealous of his new relationship?
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and it has been wonderful. But from day one his mom said I can’t return him and I have to keep him and under no circumstances are we ever to get married….well that’s all fine in the beginning because I didn’t think I would ever want to get married again. Well a few days ago his sister announced shes engaged and the wedding is in 2 months. The family is so happy and can’t wait to welcome her man into the family. I am happy for her bit I’m so jealous at the same time . They have been together about a year and are getting hitched. In the past year my thoughts on marriage have changed and I would love to marry my boyfriend but unfortunately we cannot do that because his parents forbid it from ever happening again. How do I get over this jealous feeling towards his sister and his family???
I am in love with a guy. I have known him for almost 2 years and he also knows i am in love with him. He is in a state where he is neither rejecting me nor accepting me(he says he doesn’t want a relationship). But he is treating me in a special way, in a way one would treat a love interest. About half a year ago, he met a girl and i even saw him try to be a little flirtish with her. Since then i am super jealous. But i also heard him tell her how special i am to him that he doesnt cherish me enough.I even get panic attacks because of the strong jealousy i feel. This jealousy is destroying all my progress with him. Please help me. How can i
I hate that I am Jealous – My husband is not. I feel outta control and say awful comments.
Helpless in Maryland
Ok so here it goes. I met a man who was in a rocky off and on relationship with his girlfriend of 4 years. He still cares about her and wants to continue to be a part of her children’s lives as he has been their only father figure. I get it and think it’s honorable that he’s committed to them.
But there is more. The reason they aren’t together is bc she is an alcoholic. She isn’t a bad person. She is self destructive and he says he can’t work it out with her.
However anytime he sees her, he ends up hooking up with her. And yes that means sex. We have developed a trusting, loving relationship where he treats me great. Opens doors for me, cooks and cleans my place, sharing activities like biking, hiking, snowboarding.
I have been riding these waves of happiness and hurt. I confronted him about it several times bc of my jealousy. He tells me he loves both of us. He can’t be with her but he feels he needs to take care of her bc she can’t.
I am a divorced mom of 2 and have my young children 50% of the time and when I don’t have them I spend my time with him. He says that 50% isn’t enough for him. He wants to be part of my family life. I don’t need someone 100% of the time. I am recently divorced and want to focus on myself at times.
In all this I brought up polyamory. I told him that I think he’s poly. At first he denied it but when I explained it to him he said it does sound like him. For those of you not familiar polyamory is the idea that we can love infinitely (many). I’ve talked myself into this whole sharing thing bc I’m not able to give him the time he wants, I’m not willing to get my kids involved yet, and part of me still wants the option to date.
I don’t have issues with getting dates but I’ve found that I’m spending a lot of my free time with him and therefore am not available for others.
This is extremely new territory for me. It is something I never would’ve considered in my younger days. But after being with the same man for 17 years only to have my marriage fail and seeing all the other failed marriages and relationships, I’m questioning monogamy.
To wrap up my long story, I’m trying to make this work but when I look up ways to deal with jealousy, I have a tough time finding help in dealing with my SO sleeping with another woman. Mostly I find stuff about how to deal with their past or to trust them that they aren’t doing anything. I feel great when I’m with him and polyamory really makes sense to me. No one person can fill all of another’s needs and people change and relationships change even when u still love someone. I’m trying to wrap my head around this. My brain gets it but my emotions aren’t there. Advice anyone?
my husband and his female business partner have the same relationship. However, I feel she inserts herself in our lives. She was the one who introduced us, and she’s known him for 8 years longer than I. She clearly was in love with him, but he’s never had any romantic interest in her at all. He met me and we were married within 6 months. We’ve been together now 2 years, but she is around a lot more than I like. My husband and I talk about it, he’s calm and supportive, as we have both had fathers that abandoned us. We both understand the fear of the loss dynamic, but he is far more secure about it after all these years than I am. It was pretty bad for both of us and we both waited until we were in our mid 50’s to get married for the first time. He, however, is a popular guy, with a lot of great friends, and many of them are women, [and even some ex-girlfriends]. But this business partner is the one that freaks me out the most. She is always touching him, and talking about how well she knows his mind, as if to tell me my “time with my husband is limited” and she “will have him in then end”. My husband tells me that “if I had wanted to be with her I had 8 years to make that move, I never did, and I never will, I don’t care for her that way”. I want him to tell her that, or end the relationship with her altogether, but his own best [male] friend said that “If he removes her from his life, who will be next?” I can’t make my husband get rid of all his female friends, but my own fear of loosing him, makes me want to isolate him from every women he ever knew [except his mother and sisters, and cousins…not family. They are very supportive]. Talking openly with my husband has been great, but there is always that voice that says he is just being nice. He has not lost his cool about this, but we talk through the night so he does loose sleep. I don’t know how to get beyond it, but I try daily to see that I am the one he chose, not her. And we are happy otherwise. It isn’t easy, but we try. It is the only thing that I would say we have as an “issue” in our marriage. So, it’s me and I need to get over it.
Yea.. So i don’t know how to classify mine because i hey jealous when she talks about hey close male friends and i hey get really pissed about it our when she’s having about her cousin who has this great jobb and im still finding my way up. the ladder… it makes me jealous unknowingly and then i have mood swings which leads to arguments after.. How do I stop this, i don’t want to feel this way , the energy consumed in getting angry is draining. Thanks
I have been having jealous thoughts when I feel like my partner is loseing interest in me, and it has been hard. I have been trying to find ways to get past it and he is assuring me that he is not, but its always there, eating at the back of my mind that i have done something wrong and that he is seperating from me or finds other people more interesting to say the least.
Poly makes sense, but it might just be a matter of convenience for his insecurities.
If one gives a piece of oneself to another then one believes to give oneself away.
So without giving 100% to each he is only giving 50% to each and a great sense of security for a back up plan, in case one or the other fall through. Besides getting double the sex. The jealous part happens ( you could just consider it booty calls, and discuss as such)
I been with a man that is older then me and he has been divorced from his wife more then 15 years now, but he sure does a lot for her still like calling in work for her, gets her car keys for her from their daughter, receives messages from her. How am I suppose to feel about all this? yes I feel jealous, and hurt because it makes me feel like I am not important to him. I believe if if’s your ex, leave it has your ex and don’t go out of your way to help them. I am trying to understand all this and I cant overcome my feelings of jealousy. As for the daughter she is over age and lives on her own and has a baby. I don’t communicate with my ex or go out of my way to help them not even my girls dad.
So I have pushed my girlfriend away due to my jealousy. I go crazy when she goes out drinking with her friends. I was married for 20 years before her and I have never loved anyone the way I love her. She loves me but it isn’t as strong. She cheated on me 3 months ago when she was drunk. We have since made up and things were really good.And since then I am jealous every time she goes out. I really don’t think she will do it again but i would rather her not get drunk when she goes out. She now says I am controlling her. She wants to go out with friends and I want her to but I still worry. She isn’t herself when she drinks heavily. How do I get over the jealousy. We both know our lives will be wonderful together but we both need to deal with our issues. Mine being jealousy and her with control when she drinks. Am I being too one sided?
Im 52 and my boyfriend of one year is 64. My boyfriend just found out a month ago he fathered a daughter 42 years ago. She found him in a ancestry. They text and talk every day. I’m jealous of the time he gives her especially if they’re texting at night when I’m sitting by him. I’m just plain out right jealous of her. I don’t know what to do.
Thanks
I think you should have trust in your partner if he truly loves you he will not go anywhere else. It’s a natural feeling.
Not sure if you got your closure on this… but I am facing the same situation now… while work related I am supportive, I used to be a fun person to be around but now just gone into a shell and distanced my self from everyone… it pains everytime I see the closeness of the person with others, and go deeper into the shell… its wierd and i feel ashamed… but what pains is that the other person does not even know its because of her.
I’m usually not jealous at all, but my wife has changed in some ways, and it has made me suspicious. I don’t know if it’s me, or if I have good reasons to be suspicious. I have (3) reasons I’m feeling jealous.
1) She will comment about how attractive some of her male friends are, and also celebrities and athletes. She use to never do this. In fact she use to get very upset when I’d mention another women’s attractiveness. So all the sudden it’s okay for her to do that. But she also adds that it’s okay for me to do that also. I have a feeling other single girlfriends of hers might be influencing her behavior. I don’t mind but I would rather her just not “rub it in” or throw it in my face. Is that too much to ask? When I do she says that I’m just insecure and need to get over it. It’s really bothering me because some comment about an attractive male will come up once every two weeks or so. She also gets random calls and insists that I don’t have any business knowing who just called.
2) We were apart for about 5 months due to work. When we saw each other we of course wanted to make love. She insisted on using condoms saying she didn’t want to get a UTI or something. After some time we stopped using them, however one night she said she wanted to use them. I was out. She had some. She never carries them, but all the sudden she has them. I almost want to go hunting for the box to see how many had been used since I only used 1.
3) She’s been very critical of my looks and weight. She is correct, I do need to look after myself better. But her being hypercritical along with the actions above has gotten me feeling much depression, despair and insecure feelings.
I don’t want to over react.
I don’t want to not trust her.
But this is eating away at me.
It’s very painful and I can’t talk to her about it because she just points out that I’m being insecure.
Thanks in advance for any advice.
What if your bf is hide his phone n he says it’s a friend he has known for a long time but he hides it???
So I started dating my guy on March 30th, 2019. He has always had a lot of female friends, which is fine and all, but there’s this one ex he is on good terms with and I was cool with her until one day she tagged him in her bikini photo. It has been months now, but after that incident it is so hard to face her at events, given he is with me and all, but seriously it has been driving me mad and i cried to him about it once, but that’s it. I honestly don’t know what to do, they broke up 4 years ago and have been chill friends since then, and we were friends for 3 years before we got together. I don’t wanna ruin their friendship either obviously but i just feel like running away and hiding. He’s an amazing guy though
face your fears. Don’t shut her out. I can feel ya, where ya coming from.
I have this negative thought of “She is someone else.”
This thing like destroys me to full. Even though I dont know the person and not sure if they are seeing someone or not, but this thought gets associated with them and thats it. I dont want to see them again. Cannot bear to see them. Get nervous when they are around. Anxiety kicks in.
All you need to say your self is that its normal , shit happens. Try to discuss this issue with your partner or some friend who is a good listener and can do counter reply.
Believe me. it will help you out.
So I have this issue of one negative thinking and overthinking for someone I like.
I like a girl at my workplace. Maybe a crush of mine. (not sure. never being in love before).
She is in different department and I am in different dept. Never talked with each other.
For some reason, I like her (at this stage, I cannot figure out what I like about her. Might sound stupid).
one day, this thought of “she is seeing someone” came to my mind an started to repeat on its own. I became highly anxious, nervous, anxiety kicked in.
The next thing I know is that I cannot see her after this thought. When I see her in the office, my heart starts to race, nervousness kicks in. I think BP shoots up as well. She is more like a stress for me.
I talked with my friend about this and he consulted me on this issue, but this thought of “she is seeing someone else” keeps coming and trying to play with my mind.
I have befriended this new girl at my high school, i was so excited because we had so much in common and both loved squealing abt video games and fandoms in the library during lunch time time together, i wanted to show her to my other friends so badly bcuz she didnt have much ppl to hang out with and she always thinks of herslef as awkward even i think see her as the most supportive and kind person ive ever met and is amazing at art, so thats what happened, i showed her to my friends when we were hanging out at a different library together after school and they began talking, at first i was rlly happy and excited they were getting along but as they were talking i felt like i was being ignored the whole time and as they talked i felt like they had WAY more things in common like tv shows and other things they both enjoyed but couldn’t join in on bcuz i never got into them, i also noticed that my friend (the one whos talking TO the new girl who was now my friend) wa as into a bunch of things that when she showed them to me called them weird and cringy but with the new girl who i befriended acted like she was SUPER into it and told her how much she loved it. Like everytime she showed her the photo on her phone and was complementing all of them i felt more and more emotionally hurt and lied to bcuz with me she would act like those things were so strange and gross to her. She always seemed to make her laugh so much and wouldn’t stop complimenting her and it made me mad at myslef for not being able to be funny like she was. I was so confused and upset and angry and felt like i didnt even deserve to feel this way and my emotions are all just complete bullshit and that i should just stop trying to make new friends and stop trying to reach what i wanted. When all of this was going on between the new girl i befriended and my other friend who i have been friends with forawhile, all i wanted to happen when i saw them getting alomg was for my “new girl” friend (ill just call her that) to stop being friends with my other friend, but i cant isolate her like that, she should be able to make and be friends with others but now i feel like i just want her to myself and i feel so selfish and stupid but i cant help but feel just JEALOUS and i hate myslef for it so much that i cant change.
I’m an artist. I have always received praise for my work and ‘talent’. Lately, however, a friend of mine is getting lucky breaks, like a solo exhibition, because she knows people and is very charming. I am a much quieter person. I am not envious of her art. I envy her ability to network and feel I might not make it because I have a rather honest personality. I don’t pretend. I do think she mostly pretends.
I’m 45 and have the same feelings … 🙂
It does not get better with age. I think we gain more experience but if the trigger is *just right* we are a bit powerless.
I’m going to bookmark this article and read it again and again …………… I’m also researching other info I can find online about this because I feel that it’s something that we can help, we just need the right info to understand it with.
Good luck to everyone!
Hello!
I am a man. And belive me, I’d get hurt same way just like you in a similar situation though mine is different. If someone touches my girl i’d get crazy, but what can be done ? She’s not my property, or pet.
He is loving you and one of best things you can do is to remain so lovely that he’d always prefer you than any other woman.
Remember, you have it. Don’t overreact or be not yourself. You just should not get angry at yourself / himself. I know it’s bloody hard. Never shout at him or make scenes. Do you love yourself ? You look so fine when you feel secure. I dont’know other quick way to make you secure than to hug and hold you for a while. I mean you should receive this from him, not me. I believe you do. If not, think on trying to get one☺. Are there other sources of insecurity in you ? You should avoid going there for no other reason than hurting yourself by watching she touching him. You deserve to be loved, not hurt do don’t do this to yourself on purpose. You should not seek his love by getting angry or unhappy or sad. When somebody is sad I feel compassion which is not exactly love. In a way it is but makes me also sad. So you should not get sad. You have qualities which make him prefer you. Don’t lose them. You might think a bit on can you improve yourself so you get even more qualities than her. The life is a competition. Fight. Our genes fight via our brains and bodies in a numerous ways to get disseminated e.t. you to leave kid after you die. That’s what dictates everything. Think on it and be the better alternative.
Great insight, thank you!
I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me dearly but there’s a girl (who looks up to me) whom I think likes him and I feel uncomfortable when she’s around him. I’ve tried to suppress the feeling. I don’t know what to do. should I tell my boyfriend how I see this girl?
I really needed help in my relationship.
So I am just going to tell you my problem incase you want to help me out.
I have my boyfriend that I love Soo much. Our relationship itself between him and me is so perfect. It has ups and downs and I love because that’s what balances it and makes it perfect.
The greatest problem is when we met each other we both had other partners. We kinda of ignored it at first until one unfortunate day for me. I went to see the other guy(now my ex), and my current boyfriend found out. He was pissed off and disappointed for he said he trusted me and he thought we were perfect for each other even though he knew the guy was there all along. So when I realized that he loved me I apologized and broke up with the other guy, however he didn’t break up with the other gal because he felt she didn’t do anything wrong and she was loyal all along. In other words he was like he needed some time.
It’s been almost 6 months now and he still Haven’t broken up with her, and now that I have grown deeper in love with him, I’m no longer okay with it I need him to make a choice. But he is saying that he can’t ..he just says for now he can’t choose because he just can’t..and now I am afraid that he might be using me especially on the thought that the other gal was introduced to his mom. He said I should try and focus on my relationship with him only and not think of the other gal..he said I should treat him as if he doesn’t have another person..it made sense the we were talking about it . But now I keep thinking about it over and over and I’m confused, I know he loves me and he might actually love the other gal more and I don’t know what to do ..I’m always emotional and heartbroken.
Honestly I really want a future with him because he is a good ..but the issue of the other is killing me every now and again
And now my question is: is it possible that he might actually be genuinely confused on whom to choose and I should give him more time or He is playing me and would dumb me maybe last minute
Now I have watched your videos on how to know if he is playing me ..and I can tell you we actually have future plans..he call me first mostly..he talks to me he cares and we spend most of the times together even after sex or even when we not having sex at all..he goes with me in public places .. we even planned to go see my mom ofcourse when the right time comes.. which we said maybe a year.
I’m turning 23 years old this year and I don’t wanna regret when it’s last minute.
But also even if I leave him there is no guarantee that’s my other relationship will work out..so should I just keep leaving by chance and hope it will work out or this is my sign I should leave him???
Thank you so much I really look forward to you response and I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you.
This jealousy is eating me up inside and killing my relationship with my sister… My sister is 21 and getting married in 3 weeks, and she wants me to be the maid of honor. I’m the big sister, 25 and have always done everything for her most of her life… She has everything hamded to her and she’s marrying her first boyfriend. I have had failed relationship after failed relationship, and have been single for 3 years… It is extremely hard for me to be happy for her AND do all these things for her wedding, when I don’t even want to be a part of her wedding any more… I know it sounds awful but she isn’t even appreciative of the things I have done for her, which is a loy! I’m even giving her a place to stay right now until the wedding and I can’t take it anymore! It’s reached a boiling point and I don’t even know what to do any more… I just want to duck out of everything and cut all ties!
I am as well, a man. Which seems to have very limited resources for any kind of outside help. Whole other story. I am however aware of a few things which add to my insecurities.
1 being I was in a terrible relationship where I knew there was something going on. I was accused of being
“Too jealous” Insecure, all the above, only to find out in the end this was all true.
My own fault for letting this happen, either way I let it almost kill me. I fell into deep depression, started using drugs and alcohol. Lost the rights to my kids. Picked up some pretty bad criminal charges. It was nasty.
So, I stayed in treatment where I now currently Manage. Got my life back together, and started dating someone.
This was against all my better judgement since she works with me and she was seeing someone. Living with him at that.
I knew if she was able to jump in bed with me while being with someone else, who says it wont happen to me!?
I told her this, but her and I fell for one another right off the hop. I am still with her, but since we have dated I have had some problems. Some are in my opinion, legit reasons. Most are not.
There are ex’s who still contact her on a reg. I instantly go into this panic mode when ever this happens. I feel the way I did in my past relationship. I voice this to her, sometimes the wrong way!
I know we are in love. She says she understands, but then I feel like I am being a total psycho, not wanting her to talk to these men. I am not against her having friends that are guys, just the thought of these men she was with, who still show interest in her.
She acts the same. She does not like it if I have any friends that are women. lol. Then of course, I wonder “Why?” Is she messing around? Thats why she doesn’t trust me?
Argh. I make myself try to understand a few things. I made a decision to date her while she was in a relationship. She moved out, left him and has been with me since.
I know the past, my addiction and who I am today are all effecting my confidence. In a positive way, and negative way.
Finally, I am basically seeking any kind of advice, ears to listen, or if I have helped anyone with what I am going through. Thx.
i was raised by a priest and he has been my father for six years now. but i am jealous of the other kids cause he always appreciates them while i cannot see him do the same things for me. i ve been doing my best but still he does not appreciate me. but those who is not even doing anything ggets his attention and he favors them more than me
self esteem is important to minimize jealousy especially to a partner…at least most of the concerns here on jealousy is within actual relationships…one difficult thing is having jealous feeling to an office colleague crush and you could not communicate such or go into a relationship where jealousy matters could be worked as one is married…that doubly compounds the situation
Hi, I feel so ashamed of feeling so jealous! I am so lucky! I have 3 grown up children a relatively good marriage (lockdown has caused challenges, we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary in April and I joked would we make 36? and of course we will, we are all in the same boat in this dire situation and I realise that we are luckier than a lot of people. We are currently all well and safe!)
Which makes me feel worse for feeling the way I do!
I have a brilliant relationship with my only daughter she is the youngest of our three! She is doing so well a good job lovely house in a happy loving relationship!
We have an adorable 2 yr old Tibetan terrier Jakey. We love him so much he is a little bit spoiled and as we have no grandchildren at this moment in time, I feel slightly ashamed to tell you, we have treated him more like a baby than a doggy😂.
Whenever we have gone away on holiday Jess (said) daughter and her boyfriend Cieran have looked after him, took him on days out etc.
They have put a deposit down on a puppy (a cockapoo, Jakey is not a fan of this breed!)
Please tell me why I have these horrible horrible feelings, I know how stupid I am being and I know that I will love the new addition to the family and that I will do everything to help with her! But my Jakey will be knocked from his top spot! And Darcey will become their new baby! I hate myself this morning.
Regards Gill
Thank you for this article. I came out of an abusive relationship and now and beginning a new one with a very kind person. I have never been jealous but recently found myself feeling this way. I dont act on it and leep these feelings to myself and usually just cry. I hate this obsessive feeling. It made me feel a little better to see that you wrote for us to have compassion for ourselves.
I am a widow, the mother of two sons I met a man that has a wife and divorcee whom he has been dating for the past 10years,somehow we started dating but now he is in same city with his divorcee friend and he always update me on his movement with her,but somehow its make me jealous, but when its movement with his wife I don’t bother, I felt that the divorcee should go back to her husband and its making me think irrational.. Please what’s your advi?How do I go about it?should I quite despite the attention he gives to me, does he really want me?
I hate that I am jealous but I realise it’s things in the past that have made me jealous, anxiety, insecure, have trust issues and be this way and I’m in fear of ruining the best thing that has ever happened to me, along with my children, grand children….my wife – she is everything to me and I don’t know how to stop myself being this way. It is consuming me constantly and my head hurts from anger at myself or allowing myself to feel this way.
I am jealous of my husband relationship with my best friend. My husband and I are good friends with the couple. I know she sees him as a friend and he sees her as a friend. I’m jealous of the connection that they have. They are both people that have a lot of self confidence and I have little confidence.
Love and lust often get entangled and usually becomes apparent after the relationship starts. Women and men ultimately have different desires but its possible to find the one. Usually we choose to accept the inevitable pain because humans lust in general..
The jealous me is getting too big for me to handle. I dont have anyone to talk to so that inner voice gets a lot of attention. My husband just gets mad when I try to talk to him. Is there anyway to shut the inner voice off? Yes I am I secure in my relationship with my husband. He does seem to enjoy other women more than he does me and I know it is my fault.
I need help…..took time but I have always admitted to having jealousy and more than anything comparisim issues..I get jealous for not getting the best jobs.I get jealous for not dating a finer at wealthier guy …I get jealous for playing and actually being a good girl but ending up with the worst achievements in life…….pls I seriously need help…I hate this feeling.Its so so frustrating and depressing….my heart weeps bitterly as I’m writing.I want ti not feel this way honestly
Oh my god. I am the same. I hate it. I know there is no reason for the jealousy and it’s all in my head. Just need to take a step back and understand why I feel like this. It’s not happening. It’s not what he wants. I am but hard to see that in that moment of jealousy which is horrible. It’s a curse. From my past and time to dissolve it.
So here I am. Since talking it out helps.
A few weeks ago my best friend asked me to help her cheat in an online exam. So I did. Does it sound unethical? But it was for her future. So I was ready to do anything. Since I was preparing for hard exams like jee mains and advanced I knew math much better than her. Half of the questions in her entrance exam were easy math. And I solved all those questions for her.
And now that she got accepted into the university and that I am still searching for mine. Still trying very hard every day. Studying. Studying. I feel an overwhelming jealousy and it comes to the point where I regret helping her. It’s just if I had written the exam for the college age had applied I would’ve 100% got in. But that is not my goal, my goal is another stream, another college. She achieved her goal. I didn’t achieve mine. She had help. But I didn’t.
Does my jealousy sound pointless? Maybe deep down I want a friend like myself who could help me in the topics I find difficult. Like I helped her with math. But she can’t help me with those topics and in this regard I have no one.
I don’t even know if this should be classified as jealousy however I experience some type of irrational jealousy or insecurity when my partner does a kind act toward people especially my family members. He’s an incredibly thoughtful person so he’s completely sincere. It’s hard for me to shake the feeling so I does the next few hours trying to rid myself of the feelings. I become sorry and irritated. It can be something as simple as him asaying to me, hey we should cook dinner for your brother and wife tonight. I immediately tense up and bribe jealous that he always had to be so goody goody and why can’t I be most like that. It’s awful to feel this way but I don’t know where the feelings are coming from and what to do about them. I’ve had the same feelings in other relationships and I don’t want to bring that toxicity into this relationship.
hope this reply finds you in a much better place than oct/3019. Sometimes the red flags can not be ignored, your girlfriend is changing her behavior due to things that she is not making you aware of. And AJ sometimes its not jealousy its actually your intuition and those little red flag antennas going up. The best this you can do is have a conversation about what you feel and if she dismisses your feelings as just being insecure then you should ask yourself another kind of question, do you see yourself doing this for another 5yrs or 10 or 20 with someone who dismisses your feeling. Wishing you peace and a happy journey
Thank you. I needed this more than ever.
Very interesting, I’m so jealous of my 2 sisters, after our mom died they just leave me out of everything. I don’t have any grandchildren and they do, but before our mothemom passed, my one sister and I did stuff all the time. I don’t know what to do about this.
I feel jealous of my partner.he is a charming person .with his own wife and other lovers that i might not get know .i always get him to talk about what i jealous about him and all his lovers,but he doesnt want to talk more about it .His wife keep posting their picture in public social media,while his another lover keep teasing me not pretty and intelligence enough like her.i feel jelous not just only that,but much more about tye succeed of life.how am gonna to deal with my jealousy.i feel stuck. I am Elizabeth Yun from Malaysia
I have an unusual jealousy & I believe it was brought on by my aunt and stepmother. I was a skinny normal good-looking blonde girl. She would say odd things to me out of nowhere “Jealousy a disease”. You know as women we can have natural jealousy of some or admiration. Well, I think she was saying I was a jealous person. I looked up to her but she was a witchy kinda lady. I think she wanted me to feel bad about myself. My stepmother would say to me ” You ain’t got no self esteem” she was trashy to. I remember thinking “I have to get away from her,she is an example of a stepmother” that’s how bad it was. Ive seemed to uncover my lifes problems, I’m crippled with jealousy. I mean even if someone likes a song I found. Or a recipe I’ve made for weight loss. I wasn’t like this before them, its crippling. I’m not jealous of everyone but I can sense jealousy to, and that aggravates me, if I see anothers jealousy. Its made life harder for defending myself when needed to keep my space to heal. The jealousy is so bad, I’m jealous of my fathers ability to move on after physically being abusive (hitting). That is what kills me the most. I’m even jealous that I can’t give to others. It feels like a curse.
You shouldn’t foucus on the topic that makes your feelings irritational >:( instead…channel all your thoughts in something else positive and fully concentrate on it :|…then you’ll feel relax..i have tried it myself hope you find it useful 🙂
I am 18 years in a long distance relationship and I´m a jealous kinda girl and so I get jealous that my bf follows these pretty girls on Instagram and I followed 2 of them I know I know harsh but how do I overcome these negative thoughts that ruin my thinking
I have this rage in me when I Catch the woman I like cuddled up and in bed with someone I don’t even know and he’s putting hands on someone I care about. Is it normal that I feel rage?
Thanks a lot, dear Tony, eventhough I’m not the one you replied to but I needed to hear that, especially from a male perspective! Very intelligent thoughts!
I am jealous of Lucy p,we shave lady friend,
get of hand now,i sent not nice text to Anna,b and ros and Jane ,i sent not nice letter to Jane ,as well,
i not means to,in my minds,i am very upset,i
get very stressed out about this,i know what i done,i see 2 nurses about this,i get help with this,as well,now ,i am on waiting list now,i have no help now,it take long time,i got jealous rest of my life,i like this forever ,i never change,i got jealous like forever,please you help me with this please,i want get better,i never get better,
I have be told,i not going on those zoom
meeting any more,when i get better,
when i get help from 2 nurses yet,
i got no help any more,it take long time,
as well,what your advice about this,i got no
much lady friend this moment,i got jess ,f,my boyfriend is my James,
I be told not going on those zoom meeting any more,i get very upset on those zoom meeting,as well,when i get better yet,
i got help from 2 nurses now,i am on
waiting list,it take long time now,i never
be better ,i got not much lady friend this
moment,i got jess,f,and my boyfriend is,
James,what your advice for me,as well,
I make good start with this,
what you think of this
i get help from this
what your advice about this,
i am very happy now,
i got you,you will get me better,
i got someone talking to,and listen to me,
i can have my says at last
I look all comment,where is my comment
write it down in my comment,i could found
this anywhere,please you found my comment,on this website for me,please,
please you shave my comment with young
people,
I make big complete about you,
i looking all comment from other
young people,i could found it,i
am very left out from this,
please you found my comment what else,
please you shaved my my comment with other people on this website,as well,
I feel the same as you. As the article puts it, I tend to underestimate myself. I find it difficult. Good luck in forgetting about it. A friend advised me to especially not show any jaelousy, even if you feel it. I think she’s right: if you show it, you may feel even worse. So yes, difficult. (PS: I’m a female writing under a male name)
jealousy is distroying my marriage i need help
idk but in the past two years jealousy has really made this comeback for me. In march-may 2020 I had a friend who I’d ask a quite a few times if she wanted to hang out. she said she couldn’t cause covid ofc, which is completely fair. i don’t blame her for not wanting to spread a virus, that is, if it was one of her concerns. so yea basically she was hanging out w her friends all covid long and I got really jealous bc of that. i don’t blame her for not wanting to hang out with me bc I was being a clingy mess and texting her twice a day before that, with her never really replying. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have done that. and then on June 17 my mom was pushing me to just go to her house and ask her if she wanted to hang out. which is kinda a dumb decision bc we haven’t hung out in forever and I was convinced that she hated me. so yea my mom kinda made me do that and when I got there she was already w a friend (who I’ve seen before and I’ve hung out w) and ofc im like ‘hey wanna hang out’ she says she’s already w a friend (which I expected) so yeah that’s one thing
and then in September it kinda went up again due to the traditional my friend has other friends thing. Ik it sounds ridiculous and i agree. I think the problem is that my friend is closer with other people, and that scares me because it threatens the idea that I’m close and have a good relationship w my friend. ive never really had too many friends throughout the years so I’ve never really faced this problem and whenever it comes I up I have this wave of jealousy that I just sit with for the next few weeks.
The last time I acted on my jealousy it just felt so wrong. It felt like I was freaking out over nothing. It was a really long time ago. Whenever I get jealous I feel like I’m getting jealous over nothing.
so yea I think you’d call this platonic jealousy. that’s my rant, thx for reading, peace out ✌🏼
No absolutely not, this is ridiculous and if just thinking positive fixes the issue then it was not actually an issue. What you have stated here is what the general public thinks and states but in reality it doesn’t work and creates more frustration and anxiety becauseyou try think positive and nothing happens, you feel the same and then you feel even worse because everyone is telling you it works. Guess what, it works for them because they are not experiencing what we are experiencing.
Same situation here and i feel exhausted thinking endlessly. Time will dissipitate the current trigger but another one will surface again and again. I wish I were in another place away from here. Just gotta fight through this I guess. Practice mindfulness. Focus on improving self. Participate in enjoyable activities to take distract mind. I will not sit and just ruminate about this.
Onwards!
Hi, I’ve realised I have competitive jealousy. My friend loves to talk about her family and how comfortable she’s with them and how much she dislikes staying in dorms. I really want to empathise with her but somehow I always feel like she’s indirectly referring to the fact that I’m not good enough as her family is to her (which is justifiable since she pointed out some of my actions which hurt her). After having an open discussion with her and letting her know that she can always tell me whenever she feels bad about something I did to her, I feel like she’s using it as an opportunity to point out everything that she finds wrong with me. I don’t know if I should defend myself or try to understand her perspective. I’m slowly becoming more and more jealous of her family and past friends since they were able to make her feel happy. Every time she brings them up I immediately feel insecure and find myself craving that kind of attention that she gets from her family and past friends. What should I do so I can stop feeling jealous?
I have been with my husband for 16 years and we have a very happy marriage. His mother recently passed away and his ex gf came to the funeral. She had a friendship with his mom after they split 20 years ago and I was always ok with that. At the funeral, she gave my husband her business card and told him to get in touch with her. A week later, she asked his dad if she could have my husband’s # as she had some old photos she wanted to share with him and to share a phone number with him for old friends they hung out with when they were together. My husband asked if I was ok with his dad giving his phone number to his ex. I said I was not comfortable with that but that I was ok with her communicating and sharing photos with his dad as they are still friends. Well, he went ahead and told his dad to give her his number anyway. He lied to me and erased the correspondence between him and his ex off of his phone. He maintains that he is not “talking” to her. Now I’m feeling jealous and mistrustful and feel like I can’t believe him. I’m upset beyond belief and can’t understand why she would want to connect with my husband with old photos from when they were together so long ago. I know this is me being insecure but it’s killing me inside. I feel so betrayed that he lied to me and that he erased the messages from his phone. It makes me wonder what he has to hide. I now worry about her contacting him again. I feel like she saw our family at the funeral and perhaps feels like she wants that back, including my hubby. One minute I think I’m reading too much into this and the next I’m crushed. Just like the article says, jealousy and insecurity comes and goes in waves. This is awful!!! 🙁
So I don’t know ow how all this works. I’m younger and my boyfriend is 21 years older than me and im extremely jealous when he’s talking ti other girls. Like his ex wife. We’ll just say her name is Janis We’ll they have a kid together which is my step daughter and so my boyfriend got in accident and was in the hospital for 7 weeks at the very beginning of out relationship we weren’t even dating We’ll I drove an hour everyday for the 7 weeks to see him from 7am when the doors opened till 11 at night when they kicked me out after visitation. He still can’t walk and that was 5 months ago.. well long story short I went through his phone and seen that he was sending inappropriate messages to his ex this hurt my feelings bad and well today he was texting her and I was standing up short behind him and he kinda looked at me and completely turned the other way so I couldn’t see what he was typing well that pissed me off so I’m storming around the house and I come home later that night and tell him why I was so pissed off and upset and well we got into an argument and im just trying to find a way to help me stop feeling so extremely jealous any suggestions?
There are these boys who go to my school and I have to see them together every day and ever since I knew I was gay I’ve been wanting a relationship. So every time I see them I just get an overwhelming sense of jealousy inside me and I ask the same question every time “why does he get to be happy, but I don’t?”. That thought has tortured me for over a week now and I don’t think I can handle it. Help please.
I had a friend who’s not interested in me in the romantic sense, and unfortunately I find her terribly attractive, funny, and relatable.
She has a boyfriend and I’m happy that she has someone but I can’t help but feel awful when she’s talking him up.
I know she’s not into me and very much in love with her boyfriend, and it’s no secret that I have a crush on her, she’s just legitimately not interested in me in that way.
I don’t want to be one of those guys that’s all like “well if I can’t be with her then what’s the point” but it just hurts so much to see her with this other guy, I wish I was in his shoes, and I wish she could see me the same way I see her. I decided that it was too painful to watch and ended our friendship, and I just feel like absolute shit about it.
How can I deal with this envy/jealousy should I want to try and be friends again?
This article helped me SO MUCH just now. I accidentally found a transaction from my bf to some girl that said “Date night <3" and I got SO upset. The text was from over a year ago and our relationship is about that long. I truly love him and I believe he loves me back, but reading that took me to a nasty place in my past.
This article made me feel so empowered because it reinforced in myself how strong I actually am, because I decided to research how to deal with this feeling of jealousy instead of acting on it. I calmed myself down, gave myself some positive talk, and remember the good things.
If you're reading this article before taking any action, you're stronger and better than you might realize.
Thank you so much for this article. Two times recently I have felt overwhelming jealousy and allowed myself to lash out, spoiling what were until that point lovely nights with my incredible and amazing spouse. We talked it through later and she suggested I do some reading– and I found this page. Until now, I thought my jealousy was part of who I truly am, and that I should try hard to shove it down, or learn to suffer silently, so as to not rain on my partner’s parade. Now I understand it as a facet of my Inner Critic, rooted in insecurity and trust issues left from a very old heartbreak… And what’s more, by understanding my triggers and treating myself with kindness and love, I can feel secure in my relationship with my partner, and confident that our newfound explorations will bring us closer together than ever before. Thank you.
great article by the way !! Very helpful very thank full for stumbling apon it
find my slef jealous at times
of some of my girlfriends past relationships.. alway questioning my slef I’m I good enough ? Does she love me as much as she loved him ?
Was he a better lover then me ?
Was she more attracted to him then me ?
I know how much she loves me and how much she cares about me because she tells me every day
But at times I can’t help to ask my self theses things
Whe are super close and very honest and I love what we have & I just don’t want my insecurities & jealousy to destroy my relationship
jus asking for some advice? Plz feel free to tell me what u think ?
U Dident push her away her cheating pushed u away .. and it sounds like she can’t be trusted when she goes out .. and there’s a reason U don’t want her to go party because she cheated on u when she was drunk ?
Looks like u tried and even had compassion to stying to save ur relationship after what she did
Hi .I am going through the same,only I am 16 years older than the girl.She giggles with my husband,and it makes me feel awful.
I really advise you to speak with your partner.Tell him how you feel.He may be really understanding,and help you connect with ,why you feel this way.Your hurt and jealous,because you feel inferior,and insecure.
Talking with your partner will help you both get closer,and make you feel wanted and cared for.Don’t forget to be kind and thoughtful with your partner.
For about 10 years of marriage, my husband always show romantic jealousy. I know that the cause is insecurity and being our long distance relationship situation. I always pray to God that He will always give me more patience so I can handle it well and helped my hubby understand too.
Trust in God for he. Knows a) things and how. Uch we can hanole
This article is very informative, I enjoyed reading it
Absolutely true, that I do believe. I’m not really a jelouis type unless u make me be one. I can stand how it feels And I’ve tried to think positive but of course that don’t work. I want to know why when they know that u love them and but still do on purpose to make u jelious and tried to hurt u then blame me for it like it’s my fault. But reality it’s there fault that I will never know why.when they know they never have the love or the understanding before they love it all first but then they think about u then they go 360 on your ass.
Why is it ur fault.
Hey I’m my younger days I was terrible I always cheated on the only one guy that I knew loved me it didn’t matter what I’ve done he never got mad at all and if I was in a bar with another guy he ended up finding me and take me home and never tried to hurt me back and if I was with another guy he also ended up finding me there to but just to kind of like spy on me it made me felt good In a way cause I knew somehow I was safe but also very selfish on my part. But now when I’ve met my son’s dad he was very abusive and just crazy narrcess and all. So now I’ve been hurt so much now I want to be a good person and be loyal to my man but it just seems like I can’t I get hurt All the dam time. I say to myself that I do believe I deserve it but dam not like this. But every Since he told me that I will never be happy in life, he brought me more pain and surfer it’s a mf curse I tell u. It’s been long enough I did better now it’s time for me to live a normal and a normal life but can’t and now I don’t know why. I ask God all the time. Is it because I did wrong with the only man that truly loved me I mean really with all his heart is that why it’s so bad for me to be happy in life. I was with the abusive for ten years and his past relationships never was that long. Dam poor poor me. But now the guy that I hurt finally found me after 13 year’s later when I thought he done forgot about me and with someone else. I been trying to find him myself all these years myself. Now when he did he is in prison for stupid nothing that bad cause he was a really good Guy. But he told me every Since we broke up he becam bad did bad things so I felt bad for him being the way he is now. But he still loves when he shouldn’t like Always. But I’ve told him about my past and that I am a good person and couldn’t hurt u even I wanted to which I don’t.he knew that I liked tattoos and he never had one and when I seen him on facetime he had a lot of them. I said why I liked the way u where. Cause he said that I know u like tattoos. I felt so bad I changed his life so much and didn’t realize how bad. My mom told me that when I left him left him that he still stayed with her for awhile after that and cried to her. I know why he stayed just to see if I come back to him . Cause I always did but I was tryuto be a good person when I met my son’s dad
Hello. I’m experiencing the same thing and my partner also says that he still loves me the same. But one day he told me that I am always angry and am picking fights which has resulted in him detaching. So, I tried to detach myself from him by being colder,and it works. I think guys don’t like it when we’re 100%honest and open to them. They like that mysteries and lil bit coldness from the partner(my opinion)
Hello,firstly I wanna say that what I’m about to write is solely my own opinion. But if it was me,I’d meet with the other girl. It’s possible that your partner has promised to marry her that’s why she doesn’t care whom he meets or maybe she’s completely unaware that he has another gf. Or if you don’t want this option,you can ask your bf to meet with his mother so you can know that he is serious with you
Well this is like a rehearsal so each. But for the most part Ii can’t see where I left off so work with me .so I had this chick I loved her you know still do. But she lived away and well you know how it goes she met some one and I don’t like it but its life I get it . What I had the problem with was everything elses trying weak mind games and the lies . That’s what got me . Instead of telling it the way it was and letting me reside if I could live with it or move on she took that option away. So my problems wasn’t the sex ,even some of the games I could of worked around. But if you look at the thing as a hole that’s what gets me im far from stupid I called it the whole time still trying to work with it but how do or where it going to get fixed it’s not the other people it’s o don’t know I’m figuring. It out but I’m not the type to sit back and believe the B’s like a good boy I’m working hard to change myself inside to be a better dad and I don’t have a lot of time life but I have no back up in me when pushed. I don’t care what happens to me. And i hate that part of me it’s taken a long time and a lot of work to get where I am and im not trying to throw it away for some that don’t give 2. I know this is long and half of it probably don’t make any sense cuz I’m not reading it as I go I don’t know if there’s a time limit. So on that I’ll quit bold you guys hostage. But hopefully it came out right.
Hi I could really use some advice!!
So me and my partner have been on and off for a while probably 5 years and after a year and a half of being apart, we officially got back together 2 years ago. Everything has been fine until I get feelings of overwhelming jealousy when she finds interests in other women.
I blame myself all the time for it but in the back of my mind im also blaming her too. A while back she used to save pictures of other women on her phone and every time I would get upset and tell her to stop because of so and so she would threaten to break it off, tell me I’m insecure and jealous, tell me to get over it, that it’s normal for partners to do that and that her friends think I’m silly and that they are okay with it so why am I not. So naturally you just start to think you’re the issue and I really started to beat myself up over it. It’s very conflicting in your mind when you start to think I should be okay with her saving naked women on her phone because she said everyone does it? But it makes me feel like I’m not good enough then surely it’s not okay? You’re just deeply insecure and it’s all your issue. Don’t blame her you’re just the ugly “green monster”
And the thoughts would go on and on and eat at your heart..
she also had a friend who she never named at first and said this friend broke her heart because she had feelings for her that weren’t reciprocated and then one day she told me who it was and it was the fried who I had a gut feeling about. Not long ago I found a picture of them two in bed cuddling with her asleep her my partners arms and that she was back to her old habits if you will, and suddenly, all those feelings of insecurity, jealousy and betrayal came FLOODING back as if they’d seeped into our new relationship. I have tried so hard to keep myself in check and just say to myself don’t worry, she loves you and only you you know that so don’t worry yourself.
But now very recently there’s a girl she’s working with who she texts all day and into late hours of the night that have really magnified these feelings of jealousy. In my head I’m thinking I can’t get a reply out of her all day but here she is replying to this girl in a heartbeat. Why? She talks about her so much but doesn’t bother asking how my day was at work. The thoughts now are very loud and it’s stressing me so much I have no appetite. I’m cold towards her and I don’t even want her to touch me while we’re asleep in bed. I’m reluctant to kiss her or show any affection because all I’m getting is flashbacks and these feelings of absolute dread. I’m thinking she’s going to choose her over me and I’m not good enough and that she’s going to or is losing interest.
Is there aiming wrong with me?
Am I the issue here?
If anyone has ever felt or gone through this please send some advice my way
Some people are narcissistic and use triangulation as a tool to make their partner jealous so that they feel in control and power. This is a very different scenario to just feeling jealous when your partner is innocent. That is not the partners issue to solve. But if you’re feeling crazy-jealous and it’s unusual, you’re possibly with a covert narcissist. They’re dangerous people and after making you jealous they gaslight you into thinking you have a jealousy problem. Research it. It’s a very serious issue and if you’re with a narcissist you need to know what you’re dealing with.