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How to Overcome Insecurity: Why Am I So Insecure?

 

We are called a narcissistic generation. We are told that technology and social media are giving us an inflated sense of self. But most of us don’t walk around feeling like we are all that great. In fact, there is one underlying emotion that overwhelmingly shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is insecurity. If you could enter the minds of people around you, even the narcissistic ones, you’re likely to encounter ceaseless waves of insecurity. A recent survey found that 60 percent of women experience hurtful, self-critical thoughts on a weekly basis.

In their research, father-and-daughter psychologists Dr.’s Robert and Lisa Firestone used an assessment tool known as the Firestone Assessment for Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) to evaluate people’s self-attacks (or “critical inner voices”) along a continuum. What they found is that the most common self-critical thought people have toward themselves is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way. Whether our self-esteem is high or low, one thing is clear; we are a generation that compares, evaluates and judges ourselves with great scrutiny. By understanding where this insecurity comes from, why we are driven to put ourselves down and how this viewpoint affects us, we can start to challenge and overcome the destructive inner critic that limits our lives.

Why am I so insecure? What causes insecurity?

There is an internal dialogue that accompanies our feelings of insecurity. This is called the “critical inner voice.” Dr. Lisa Firestone, who co-authored the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice wrote, “The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.”

So, what events or attitudes shape this inner critic? The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Imagine a child being yelled at by a parent. “You’re so spaced out! Can’t you figure anything out on your own?” Then, imagine the negative comments and attitudes parents express toward themselves. “I look terrible in this. I’m so fat.” These attitudes don’t even have to be verbalized to influence the child. A parent’s absence can leave children feeling insecure and believing there is something fundamentally wrong with them. An intrusive parent can cause children to become introverted or self-reliant in ways that make them feel insecure or untrusting of others. Studies have even shown that exaggerated praise can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem.

The reason for this is that children must feel seen for who they are in order to feel secure. A lot of our issues with insecurity can come from our early attachment style. Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting from the Inside Out, says the key to healthy attachment is in the four S’s, feeling safe, seen, soothed and secure. Whether children are being shamed or praised, they are, most likely, not feeling seen by the parent for who they really are. They may start to feel insecurity and lose a sense of their actual abilities.

A healthy attitude for parents to maintain is to see themselves and their children realistically and to treat them with acceptance and compassion. The best way a parent can support their children is to allow them to find something that is unique to them – something that lights them up and that they will work to achieve. This activity must appeal to the child’s interest, not just the parents. As author and civil rights leader Howard Thurman famously said, ““Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

As the child pursues whatever interest makes them “come alive,” the parent should offer support and acknowledgment for the effort involved as opposed to focusing too much on the result. It’s the difference between saying “What a stunning picture. You are the best artist I’ve seen” and saying, “I love the way you used so many colors. It’s awesome that you worked so hard on this. What gave you that idea?” This practice helps a child establish a sense of self-worth.

The Effect of Insecurity

It’s clear that there are many things that shape our critical inner voice, from negative attitudes directed toward us to attitudes our parents had toward themselves. As we get older, we internalize these points of view as our own. We keep these attitudes alive by believing in our insecurities as we go along in life. The most common critical inner voices Dr.’s Robert and Lisa Firestone found people to experience throughout their day include:

  • You’re stupid.
  • You’re unattractive.
  • You’re not like other people.
  • You’re a failure.
  • You never get anything right.
  • No one will ever love you.
  • You’re fat.
  • You’re such a loser.
  • You’ll never make friends.
  • You’ll never be able to quit drinking (smoking etc).
  • You’ll never accomplish anything.
  • What’s the point in even trying?

 Like a mean coach, this voice tends to get louder as we get closer to our goals. “You’re gonna screw up any minute. Everyone will realize what a failure you are. Just quit before it’s too late.” Oftentimes, we react to these thoughts before we even realize we are having them. We may grow shy at a party, pull back from a relationship, project these attacks onto the people around us or act out toward a friend, partner or our children. Just imagine what life would be like if you didn’t hear any of these mean thoughts echo in your head. Imagine what reality might actually look like if you could live free of this prescribed insecurity.

Insecurity at Work

Insecurity can affect us in countless areas of our lives. Every person will notice their inner critic being more vocal in one area or another. For example, you may feel pretty confident at work but completely lost in your love life or vice versa. You may even notice that when one area improves, the other deteriorates. Most of us can relate, at one time or another, to having self-sabotaging thoughts toward ourselves about our career. Old feelings that we are incompetent or that we will never be acknowledged or appreciated can send our insecurities through the roof. Some common critical inner voices about one’s career include:

  • You don’t know what you’re doing.
  • Why do they expect you to do everything yourself?
  • Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful.
  • You’re under too much pressure. You can’t take it.
  • You’ll never get everything done. You’re so lazy.
  • You should just put this off until tomorrow.
  • No one appreciates you.
  • You’d better be perfect, or you’ll get fired.
  • Nobody likes you here.
  • Put your career first. Don’t take time for yourself.
  • When are you ever going to get a real job?
  • No one would hire you.

Insecurity in Relationships

Whether we are single, dating or in a serious, long-term relationship, there are many ways our critical inner voice can creep in to our romantic lives. Relationships, in particular, can stir up past hurts and experiences. They can awaken insecurities we’ve long buried and bring up emotions we don’t expect. Moreover, many of us harbor unconscious fears of intimacy. Being close to someone else can shake us up and bring these emotions and critical inner voices even closer to the surface. Listening to this inner critic can do serious damage to our interpersonal relationships. It can cause us to feel desperate toward our partner or pull back when things start to get serious. It can exaggerate feelings of jealousy or possessiveness or leave us feeling rejected and unworthy. Common critical inner voices we have toward ourselves about relationships include:

  • You’re never going to find another person who understands you.
  • Don’t get too hooked on her.
  • He doesn’t really care about you.
  • She is too good for you.
  • You’ve got to keep him interested.
  • You’re better off on your own.
  • As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
  • You’ve got to be in control.
  • It’s your fault if he gets upset.
  • Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt.

How Can I Overcome Insecurity?

How to Overcome InsecurityOnce we have a better sense of where our insecurity comes from and the profound influence it is having on our lives, we can begin to challenge it. We can start by interrupting the critical inner voice process. Voice Therapy is a cognitive/affective/behavioral approach developed by Dr. Robert Firestone to help people overcome their critical inner voice. There are five important steps to this process, which I will briefly outline. To learn about Voice Therapy in more depth click here.

Step I

The first step of Voice Therapy involves vocalizing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. You can also write down these thoughts. Instead of writing “I am so stupid. What is the matter with me? I’ll never be successful,” you would write, “You are so stupid. You will never be successful.” This process helps you to separate from these vicious attacks by seeing them as an external enemy instead of your real point of view. This process can also be an emotional one, as saying these statements can bring up underlying feelings from the past.

Step II

In the second step, you can start to think and talk about the insights and reactions you have to exposing these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past? It can be helpful to uncover the relationship between these voice attacks and the early life experiences that helped shape them. This too will allow you to feel some self-compassion and reject these attitudes as accurate reflections of who you are.

Step III

People often struggle with the third step of this process, because it involves standing up to long-held beliefs and insecurities about oneself. You will answer back to your voice attacks, expressing your real point of view. You can write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Respond to your attacks the way you would to a friend who was saying these things about him or herself, with compassion and kindness.

Step IV

In step five of Voice Therapy, you start to make a connection between how the voice attacks are influencing your present-day behaviors. How do they affect you at work? With your partner? As a parent? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What events trigger the insecurity? In what areas is this insecurity most influential?

Step V

The final step involves making a plan to change these behaviors. If insecurity is keeping you from asking someone on a date or going after a promotion, it’s time to do the actions anyway. If you’re indulging in self-hating thoughts that encourage you to engage in self-destructive behaviors, it’s time to interrupt these behaviors and unleash the real you.

This process will not be easy. With change always comes anxiety. These defenses and critical inner voices have been with you your whole life, and they can feel uncomfortable to challenge. When you do change, expect the voices to get louder. Your insecurities aren’t likely to vanish overnight, but slowly, through perseverance, they will start to weaken. Whenever you notice an attack come up, stand up to it and don’t indulge in its directives. If you want to be healthy, don’t let it lure you to avoid exercise. If you want to get closer to your partner, don’t listen when it tells you to hold back your affections.

Join Dr. Lisa Firestone for a Webinar on Overcoming Insecurity

As you sweat through this tough but very worthy transition, it is important to practice self-compassion. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff found self-compassion to be far more psychologically beneficial than self-esteem. Self-esteem still focuses on evaluation and performance, where self-compassion encourages an attitude of kindness and patience. Self-esteem can increase our levels of insecurity, where self-compassion asks us to slow down and assign ourselves value simply for being human. Once we realize our own strength and importance, once we see the ways we’ve been hurt and can feel for ourselves on a deep level, we can actually start to break free of the chains that hold us back. We can shed the insecurities of our past and become the people we want to be.

71 comments

  1. This is by far the most informative article tagging everything that is presently looming in my life. This made my day and gives me hope for the change I so desperately seek.

  2. Thank you so much.

  3. This article is helping me tremendously. Understanding why I am insecure, I can now focus on how to transition my ways of thinking. Thank you.

  4. Nce article. Been going thru lots of negative thoughts. As of today l will try on being more accepting of myself. Want to be full of energy and feel great about being me.
    W

  5. This article has been a tremendous help. I struggle with a lot of self identity/image issues. Writing it out, and facing these things was terribly emotional, but absolutely needed. Just doing those things was a huge step for me. Over the years I’ve become complacent with my insecurities, and have done little, if anything, to change them.

    After reading, and going though my own steps, I feel like the “bed for change” has been made.

    Thank you, again.

  6. I find this so helpful ,I’ve been going through at it over and over again, now I see some positive changes in my life. Thank You

  7. I find this super helpful, I always find that i am not good enough or that I am extremely different then everyone else, I also feel like I don’t always belong ): but this article has taught me some really amazing techniques (:

  8. Very helpful! I found many of these critical thoughts play out in my head everyday. While I am very confident in certain areas, other areas are full of self doubt. I am going to ask my therapist to work with me on the Voice Therapy.

  9. so i am not the only one who is insecure. 🙂 we can do this guys!

  10. Thank you, big help at time of great insecurity ?

  11. Recent events in my life have triggered my insecurities to the point where I have pushed my other half away and have pretty much gotten the feeling I lost her. Not only do I feel I’ve lost her but my family in general. This article has shown me things to help me counter these insecurities and I pray that I can get my family back and be happy once again.
    Thanks for writing this amazing article

  12. I have been looking for this. I wish I had found this sooner. Here’s to a better and improved me!!!

  13. Thank you. You said it all so well

  14. Thanks for this article. Feeling really bad today. It gives me some hope.

  15. trying not to be insecure

    is insecurity heriditary? because my paternal grand dad is insecure so is my dad, and i am beginning to be so too

  16. Thank you. What great insight.

  17. Thank you for this information it has really helped me to think clearly about what I say about myself.

  18. i want to do this so badly but i don’t think i have the strength to do it nor energy, i’m 6 months pregnant as well so this could be a factor in my insecurity, my insecurity gets in the way everyday with me and my partner but it seemed like my insecurities got stronger when with him. i’m thinking that maybe it’s because this is my first actual relationship that i love and i don’t want to lose it so i’m scared that something is going to take him away from me, i’m tempted every day to put makeup on and do my hair and wear pretty clothing because i feel like someone better will come along and take him and sees me struggle with my insecurities, he knows it hurts me and he tells me everyday that he loves me and tells me that i’m beautiful and i believe it sometimes but sometimes i don’t. he holds me when i can’t cope with my overwhelming thoughts.

    • I hear you on that. I am planning to tell my fiance tonight. I struggle with anxiety as well and it is killing me. When I got engaged, I experienced so much anxiety but we were living in different cities so I was able to pull myself together before we Skyped. Now were in the same place and between the anxiety and the insecurity I don’t know which is worse. One seems to trigger the next. I pick arguments with him without even knowing why. It’s tearing us apart and this in turn causes more anxiety, more insecurity. I’m a mess.

    • Hope you can get better with your struggle. I feel so much like you.

  19. life has been a struggle.. BT thanks for the insight I really needed it.

  20. Thank you for this article.

  21. This is a very well constructed article, but I feel it caters to the general populace too much, I mean of course that’s what you want in an article that’s going to be posted on the Internet. But there was a reason I typed this in and read the whole article. I feel like there are many points I can take away from this as anyone could, but the insecure part of me that is unique to myself feels that this is all wrong and doesn’t apply to many many aspects of my own personal insecurity. I personally enjoy being insecure looking from 3rd party perfect ice as I feel it makes me unique, but isn’t that just a form of insecurity itself ? I’m happy with who I am and what people think of me, I’m just not happy with what I think of me. This won’t help people like me and I can’t find anything that can, I don’t even know if I’m looking for help… I’m just trying to understand because it’s interesting.

  22. I am a 18 yr old guy currently in my second semester ,I am quite average looking, I used to feel insecure about how I look since I was a kid and I took those feelings with me till today, and here I am in college I still have thoughts of what people think about me even when they don’t know me , I read many articles regarding this and Today I will start overcoming this feeling that drags me down ,I also turn the bad thoughts into
    Power to aid myself and others ,I’ve always been training im the gym and this is definetely gives an extra source of power so people , you must face your insecurities to be able to get rid of them , its a slow process and it depends on how you feel inside , anyway thanks for this and I hope I helped

  23. Hi, I loved hearing all the responses to this article and can relate to the person on the other end of the spectrum.. I Have been in a relationship which is currently at its end of 5+ yrs. I have dealt with this insecure man in ever way this article describes. First I would like to say that he is currently sober and has been for 23 years. I. Am Very proud of his achievement. On the other hand I have experienced his behavior of insecurity control impulsiveness adbandment, obsession , and jealousy. I could prob right a book on our past 5 years. Being in this rollercoaster of a relationship has made me not trust a man. It’s very hard when , especially the insecure person is in denial. It’s a constant battle everyday. He stars fight and takes tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. His mother left him and the family at such a young that he started drinking at 13 to self medicate his mother abandmant. They still till this day rarely talk she is very distant from her adult kids. This has effected him more than he can ever understand. I have read article after article been to AA meetings al alonon and therapy becuz of this torture I allowed , I allowed this to go on more than I should have, but love is blind. And I have been brot to taking more medication than I was described so I could show him how much it was killing me. I wanted him to see the damage he was doing. His first wife killed herself from Depressin and Being cheated on by this man for years he was unable t stop his addictions. He stopped drinking for 23 but didn’t fix the things that originally brot him there to begin with. All those surpressed feelings of adbandment came to the surface and made this man a living hell for me to be with. I always wondered y one minute we were so happy and the next he was out of control jealous obsessive and a control freak. He had such stinky thinking that took over his brain, which I don’t think he will ever understand. He used t claim I was places when. I Wasn’t and wanted to know my whereabouts at all times it was so suffocateing and dibilitaing. He eventually cheated on me and claimed I was doing it to him , but God as my witness I never did and couldn’t u figure out y he always accused me of it, but finally it made sense he put ha own insecurities on me to relieve his own guilt of what he was doing to me. He can’t maintain a relationship becuz he always thinks of it ended and ends it before he can get hurt but always has a back up to protect his potential loniness. I wish he would get the help he needs to help not only himself but his own kids who are experiencing these same issues with him, he buys there love rather than show them affection. He prushes them off tlike they are crumbs on a table. I lived with him off and on for 3 yrs, and dealt with being verbally abused and bullied constantly and him assumptions and projective behavior!!! it has made me scared to date again. Especially the cheating part. I am a very confident independent women and I feel that I will soon be able to find the right man and I will not tolerate any behavior that is even close to a insecure man. Also I was married to an alcoholic for 23 yrs. and feel that was not as bad as dealing with a sober insecure man. Just my point of view . Thanks for reading.

  24. Thank you. I’ve been able to help myself understand the irrational self-doubt I have had looming over me with the help of this article.

  25. Thank you very much. I’ve been trying to change but I had no idea how and this article helped me. Besides, after reading all this comments I realized that I’m not alone in this fight and I will overcome all theses feelings
    My father was and still is very critic to me. Everybody that is not like him , he considers weak and useless because he considers that anyone have the same capacity of him. It is hard fot me not cry everyday and ignore his critics but I will.

  26. I really appreciate this post! It actually gives practical steps which is helpful 🙂

  27. Good piece of research and writing indeed. I am hoping I will be free from these chains too, if it has happened to others why would it not to me! thank you

  28. Thank you SO much. For the longest time I have been constantly bothered by the thought that I a not pretty, that he could never love me and nobody every would. I have been bothered by the thoughts of put-downs that are so crazy it would seem unreal. But because of this article, the thoughts have faded into the background. I could never thank you more!!!

  29. For the longest time I just assumed i was different, and i let my insecurities destroy numerous relationships in my life. As I was reading this article, i couldn’t help but crack a smile as I realized I’m not alone. The article plus the amazing comments gave me a sense of relief that i could overcome this and would not let it define me any longer. We are all human beings and we are all amazing, and I finally feel like I’m a human being now too, so thank you very very much. I truly appreciate this!

  30. Datiel A Padilla

    It have been an amazing and nourishing article but like you said most critical inner voices are build up from bad past experiences….so what if i have something holding me down that i dont even know if is a problem but i keep thinking its a big deal….

  31. This helps me understand why I’m so insecure because I’ve had so many people talk down to me… And how my parents’ marige is going is not helping at all…

  32. Thank you all ..it was so helpful to know I am not alone who struggle with it.

  33. Jon Puczylowski Sr

    I stopped in the middle of therapy. I found out, I (thought I) hated myself. So I would work very hard to please anyone in my realm so I could get self worth. Found out step parents really painted ugly pictures in my head. Then, done. Lost my job, no insurance, and I was left mildly informed, scared, and alone.

    This article is wonderful. It will help me as i transition my life back to voluntary mental health therapy. I will read it everyday, as my symptoms are quite severe. I can already feel the chains breaking. The fruit from my worthy tree is starting to ripe. Light is at the end of the tunnel and all I have to do is remember the kind words in this article.

    On the outside, we are handsome or pretty, smart, funny, loving… This article already covered the inside. Time to put the lies to rest, and set the truth free!

    We are all humans, and therefore are entitled to all that entails. Self security. 🙂

  34. Thank you, so much!!
    I have battled with self hatred & such a high level of insecurity , I have hurt a lot of people & I have been a victim also. Pam I thank you for your openness & courage for sharing the way you did.
    I hope & pray everyone finds freedom , strength & success & the husbands & wives who support you & bring out the best in you all.
    I had a terrible abusive childhood & growing up was , abusive myself but I tried so hard to not be like the previous generations before me but as lifes tragedies unfolded I became my greatest fear , I felt like I was in a mental & emotional prison with no way out & no way I could hold down any relationship.
    Pam I hate to admit it but I have been that same person as your partner , but I seen many counsellors & Psychologists & became a Christian but yet , at times been like Oliver when I just cannot love myself & have a HEALTHY view of who I am …
    I know there is a part of me that is so loving & caring & wants to help others , but as soon as I enter into a relationship I am overcome with FEAR & insecurity ..
    I am truly grateful for this post , I never stopped seeking help
    I hope & pray this is the tool to set me free to love & support everyone in my life without restraint 🙂 God bless us all

  35. Insecurities were waying me down everyday of my life and it got me feeling that they was no way to success but now they is no insecurity can way me down coz I would deffinetly deal with it thanks alot

  36. ~Feels so good to know I am not alone after all, you are all beautiful unique people! And this will make us stronger! Thanks so much for this article!!! Made my day and gave me a sense of hope~

  37. Thank you tons! I finally feel like I could take a stand for myself.

  38. This is amazing advice!

  39. thanx…sir…

  40. sir i m definatly try this

  41. Super insecure guy here and I’ll say while this article helps, I don’t see how to get past my insecurities because of my situation. The article stated, “What they found is that the most common self-critical thought people have toward themselves is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way.” I definitely struggle with this and the reason I think the self critical thoughts are true is that out of all my relatives families, (I have 4 uncles and 5 aunts) every one of them and all my cousins are successful in life. Successful being defined as gainfully employed and have the income to have children. Except my Dad and Mom. I think my Mom projects her insecurities on my Dad but with just reason because he is lazy and hasn’t asserted himself in life. It causes his insecurities to be even worse where I don’t think he even wants to try at anything. Including being a presently active father to me. It’s painful for me to think or accept that my Dad is a loser. Of course despite that I love my Dad and try to focus on the positive aspects he has. However what makes this more difficult is that I also gave up trying because of my insecurities and deep down judge myself as a loser. Knowing that my relatives probably look down on him, my Mom, and even myself and my sister, fills me not only with self pity but also resentment towards my relatives, my parents and myself. I try not to see my relatives and some have never made an effort to be close to them. I am content to live my own life away from it all and try to surround myself with people who are supportive. However I still have to see them occasionally at major events like the wedding I am currently attending. These insecurities have been crippling to the point where it is hindering me from achieving my goals. Cannabis and Netflix have provided some relief but I believe distractions like that only mask the issues and doesn’t help me overcome them. I sometimes want to leave society behind and run into the wild like that guy who died in that abandoned bus in the woods although I do not wish the same fate. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. Thx

    • Hello Jack.
      I My conditions if not the same is very close to yours as of the relatives. I had a wonderful childhood. It was materialistic . i may have had every toy that i may have wished for But my parents were never there for my emotonal needs and even caressing counts. And now my mom is going through somewhat they call Mid-life Crisis and that sometimes makes her lash out on me or my dad. And i am not blaming her for this in a way she has her own reasons. A few years back it was really bad for me casue my mom and dad really used to fight a lot and being a single child i had no one to share it with. Looking at my mom i became more and more insecure about my feelings without even really talking about it with anyone. Now what i have realized is that the less you think about this stuff the better you can focus on something that make you fee happy and helps you raise your self-esteem. I did that with studies and i am not that good in academics i was like a 60 % aggregate student. and now i am the class topper. I would just say that look at your condition not like a way to blame for your insecurities but as a challenge. GOD Or UNIVERSE (whatever you believe in) has given you this wonderful opportunity to prove something and believe me 24 hours a day is not short at all.. It is a perfect design. It is made that way so we could exploit it. Just work hard like make a plan.. and if you are like me you might get overwhelmed to read all this and act on it. But it’s really not that difficult. You just have to start.. There will be many times when you would be like “Okay that is enough for today ” or ” maybe i will start that tomorrow” but remember whenever these kind of thoughts come to mind just remember to start.. It will be so much fun that you would hardly think that you cant do it.. No matter how difficult it is. I think if I can do it Anybody can. JUst start .. that simple

  42. This article has helped me to see what and why I am unsuccessful in relationships thank you so much for allowing me to see the demons I must overcome and am going to stand up to , it’s time for me to live and for others to see the real me without the voices, I grew up being sexually abused and put down and nothing being good enough but it’s time to break this chain

  43. This is so helpful, Thank you.

  44. i have an insecurity with my legs. I am a dancer, and is doing basic ballet. But my legs arent proportioned with my upper body. It felt like my legs are too short to even do a proper split and plie. And whenver i stretch them, i feel very inferior. My insecurity affected my passion to dance to the point i thought that i was never meant to be a dancer because of my body proportion.

    Now, im following these steps and will try to overcome it slowly. This very helpful and has lighten me up and gave me hope. I am depressed and anxious just because of this insecurity. Thank you so much

  45. Thank you so much.

  46. before coming here , i had sort of panic attack of insecurities.. so all i could to was to spill it out in my phones memory keeping thing. i was surprised to see what i wrote was already written here …
    I just hope these echos could go away and let me appreciate what i already have.

  47. I plan to read and re-read this page over and over again because it contains some very valuable information – things that can change lives. Thank you for publishing it!

  48. Thanks. This is coming to me at the right time. In fact, I feel like not leaving here so as to be reading it to myself even in my dream. I still need serious help as my past broken relationships has increased the insecurity in me. Thanks a lot for the information

  49. I am insecure in every way , this is really helpful thank you.

  50. I’m so glad I found and read this article thank you !!!

  51. Thank you ,but please how do I asses my improvement

  52. Thank you for this great article

  53. I am a 53 years old divorced and now living with my partner of 4 years, she is amazing, funny, confident, independent and a million other things besides. I am so lucky to have found love a second time and have so much to look forward to including ambitions to build our own house 😄. I have my own small business and my partner is a manager. It all sounds perfect but there is a but!!! I am massively insecure, Looking back I felt so safe in my marriage three lovely children a nice house and friends but think I have always been a little bit needy nut I don’t remember it ever being enough to cause any real issues or even be mentioned. I have been to counselling, read articles on line, books and blogs galore which have helped but not cured. I can go for months using positive thoughts to keep it in check then all of a sudden the most stupid of things will set of a spike it’s like a firework going off and nothing will put it out, I try hiding it but my partner can see through it and says its so obvious that I’m quiet or in a mood, I try to deny it because I know what ever I’m thinking is socially not acceptable and in the cold light of day down right rediculous too, I hate lies and lying with a passion my ex cheated and the lies that go with it are devastating from someone you trusted as your closed friend for nearly 30 years! Any way if I’m asked what’s wrong I can’t help it but it comes out and then all hell breaks out, I critise her and say it’s her fault, only when it’s all calmed down I realise it’s my irrational thoughts and she done nothing wrong so to cut an all ready long story short I’m pushing her away and leaving so many scares, she doesn’t deserve this no one does. I feel so guilty and think I’m such a bad person. I have just read the above article which has given me some real food for thought, I can’t recal where in my childhood insecurity has come from though. I so want to be cured! It’s so painful worse than any physical trauma

  54. So, like everyone else here I suffer from insecurities that are affecting my new relationship. I met her and fell head over heals in love on our first date. It was so perfect I felt God had brought us together. When we first started out, she was the more insecure and told me so. So afraid to lose me every day and then something happened; the roles were reversed and I became or my insecurities came out in full force! Now we are engaged but I’m still insecure. She posted on FB about her new man,(me) and how fabulous he was and how happy she is. Then all of a sudden every trace of me is gone from her page except that she is engaged to me. She says it’s because people that post relationships on Facebook typically end up broken up. I don’t where this is coming from but three weeks after we started dating she disclosed that her cancer came out of remission and she was dealing with that. Also she is a single mom and getting no support she runs herself into the ground to support her kids. Her kids call me dad and love me but in the back of my mind is something going on here? It’s like being on a roller coaster where one day she is all lovey dovey and planning our move together and two days later she is run down and our conversations are polite and uninvolved. She tells me she loves me and misses me every day ( 3 hours apart) and can’t wait till we are married and living our lives together. The next day or so, nothing. We text all day but it feels strained sometimes and I don’t know if it’s from my insecurities or if this relationship of two months is going bad as fast as it came on. I would walk on fire for her and don’t want to give up but am so spun I don’t know if I’m coming or going!!!

    • Hi Mike,
      In my experience nobody is in the same mood everyday! Some days happy and full of love, the next tired stressed and not as high on love! Once the honey moon period starts to fade and reality of life takes over ie:- work, children, money problems and health all kick in, this can allow insecurities to creep in! After all who would feel insecure when you text each other all the time, have sex three times a day and tell each other you love be them all the time? From experience and reading various books and blogs I found one partner will generally start to back off / want a little more relaxed pace before the other. It’s easy for me now to see what’s happening when I read others struggling,but when it happened to me it was so confusing I didn’t know if I was coming and going!!! Ok so things that helped me – a counsellor once told me Buddhas believe ” everything passes” I took that to mean if I’m feeling the insecure keep busy don’t dwell on it and the feeling will pass, feed it and it will get stronger!!. I know it’s possible to speed the process up by asking our partner to tell us they love us and how much but that only makes us more reliant on others rather than self sufficient! ( I know it’s very very hard but it made me stronger) when we text our partner are we texting to get a response ( to satisfy our insecurity) or because we want them to know how much we care or want them? Looking at what you put about texting if it seems forced it probably is and in my experience it’s a normal relaxing of the relationship, I refer you to what I put above. Life is way to short to worry take each day at a time enjoy every minute. Hope this helps?

      • Mike, I agree with Paul. Pretty much everything.
        Just don’t forget, life is a struggle, and anyone pretending it isn’t is fooling themselves.
        We have to stay positive, wake up and choose joy, but some days are better than others. You are a new couple, so texting all day (not every day) is going to happen. That will probably fade, unless you really like being on your phone all day (I do not).

        Take each day, one at a time. some days you will both feel like communicating a lot, other days will be more quiet. Try to learn to go with the flow of your, and her emotional state, that day. If you think something is bothering her, maybe ask her, but tell her she doesnt have to talk about it if she needs time. Life is a roller coaster for everyone. If you keep putting love first, and sounds like that is exactly what you are doing, you are on the right path. Don’t question it. Follow your heart, and be tough.
        Good luck

  55. this article helped me to realize my insecurities

  56. I have been suffering from this insecurity I don’t know that this mess is caused by the voices in my head thanks to this bloc i m going to work on the voices in my head.

  57. I can realate to most of you and it’s not an easy thing to live with. My story started when I was a kid, from being teased to being told your ugly by your own grandmother and went into my teen years of bad realationships to being married to an abusive man. Yes I did leave after living in fear of my and myself after 20 yrs and today I am now married to the most amazing man , I’m happy but my insecurities from my past life are causing me to think that I’m not good enough or pretty enough and yes like you I worry someone better for him will take the one thing that completes me. I find myself questioning him about girls he’s friends with on fb and when he’s texting I’m assuming it’s with a girl. I hate this and I want it to stop!!!! I don’t like who I am, he can’t even play out ( he’s a guitar player ) without looking around the room like a vulture seeing whom I’m up against! It’s sad I know and I’m sure I look stupid but I can’t help it and I do try but fall back into the insecure net ugh!!!!
    Sincerely
    women who lovers her hubby

    • Hey Pauline
      I found it just as hard as you to get used to my partner getting random txt and worrying where the next threat would come from. The light bulb moment for me was flipping it around to thinking any amount of people can threaten, but my partner has chosen me and as long as I choose to be the best person I can then hey if we do split up I have done everything I could with no regrets, no wishing I had done things differently.
      Live every day to be the best person you can!

  58. I thought I was the only one out here, and everyone else had life worked out ?

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