How to Overcome Insecurity: Why Am I So Insecure?
We are called a narcissistic generation. We are told that technology and social media are giving us an inflated sense of self. But most of us don’t walk around feeling like we are all that great. In fact, there is one underlying emotion that overwhelmingly shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is insecurity. If you could enter the minds of people around you, even the narcissistic ones, you’re likely to encounter ceaseless waves of insecurity. A recent survey found that 60 percent of women experience hurtful, self-critical thoughts on a weekly basis.
In their research, father-and-daughter psychologists Drs. Robert and Lisa Firestone used an assessment tool known as the Firestone Assessment for Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) to evaluate people’s self-attacks (or “critical inner voices”) along a continuum. What they found is that the most common self-critical thought people have toward themselves is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way. Whether our self-esteem is high or low, one thing is clear; we are a generation that compares, evaluates and judges ourselves with great scrutiny. By understanding where this insecurity comes from, why we are driven to put ourselves down and how this viewpoint affects us, we can start to challenge and overcome the destructive inner critic that limits our lives.
Why am I so insecure? What causes insecurity?
There is an internal dialogue that accompanies our feelings of insecurity. This is called the “critical inner voice.” Dr. Lisa Firestone, who co-authored the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice wrote, “The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.”
So, what events or attitudes shape this inner critic? The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Imagine a child being yelled at by a parent. “You’re so spaced out! Can’t you figure anything out on your own?” Then, imagine the negative comments and attitudes parents express toward themselves. “I look terrible in this. I’m so fat.” These attitudes don’t even have to be verbalized to influence the child. A parent’s absence can leave children feeling insecure and believing there is something fundamentally wrong with them. An intrusive parent can cause children to become introverted or self-reliant in ways that make them feel insecure or untrusting of others. Studies have even shown that exaggerated praise can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem.
The reason for this is that children must feel seen for who they are in order to feel secure. A lot of our issues with insecurity can come from our early attachment style. Dr. Daniel Siegel, author of Parenting from the Inside Out, says the key to healthy attachment is in the four S’s, feeling safe, seen, soothed and secure. Whether children are being shamed or praised, they are, most likely, not feeling seen by the parent for who they really are. They may start to feel insecurity and lose a sense of their actual abilities.
A healthy attitude for parents to maintain is to see themselves and their children realistically and to treat them with acceptance and compassion. The best way a parent can support their children is to allow them to find something that is unique to them – something that lights them up and that they will work to achieve. This activity must appeal to the child’s interest, not just the parents. As author and civil rights leader Howard Thurman famously said, ““Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
As the child pursues whatever interest makes them “come alive,” the parent should offer support and acknowledgment for the effort involved as opposed to focusing too much on the result. It’s the difference between saying “What a stunning picture. You are the best artist I’ve seen” and saying, “I love the way you used so many colors. It’s awesome that you worked so hard on this. What gave you that idea?” This practice helps a child establish a sense of self-worth.
The Effect of Insecurity
It’s clear that there are many things that shape our critical inner voice, from negative attitudes directed toward us to attitudes our parents had toward themselves. As we get older, we internalize these points of view as our own. We keep these attitudes alive by believing in our insecurities as we go along in life. The most common critical inner voices Dr.’s Robert and Lisa Firestone found people to experience throughout their day include:
- You’re stupid.
- You’re unattractive.
- You never get anything right.
- You’re not like other people.
- You’re a failure.
- You’re fat.
- You’re such a loser.
- You’ll never make friends.
- No one will ever love you.
- You’ll never be able to quit drinking (smoking etc).
- You’ll never accomplish anything.
- What’s the point in even trying?
Like a mean coach, this voice tends to get louder as we get closer to our goals. “You’re gonna screw up any minute. Everyone will realize what a failure you are. Just quit before it’s too late.” Oftentimes, we react to these thoughts before we even realize we are having them. We may grow shy at a party, pull back from a relationship, project these attacks onto the people around us or act out toward a friend, partner or our children. Just imagine what life would be like if you didn’t hear any of these mean thoughts echo in your head. Imagine what reality might actually look like if you could live free of this prescribed insecurity.
Insecurity at Work
Insecurity can affect us in countless areas of our lives. Every person will notice their inner critic being more vocal in one area or another. For example, you may feel pretty confident at work but completely lost in your love life or vice versa. You may even notice that when one area improves, the other deteriorates. Most of us can relate, at one time or another, to having self-sabotaging thoughts toward ourselves about our career. Old feelings that we are incompetent or that we will never be acknowledged or appreciated can send our insecurities through the roof. Some common critical inner voices about one’s career include:
- You don’t know what you’re doing.
- Why do they expect you to do everything yourself?
- Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful.
- You’re under too much pressure. You can’t take it.
- You’ll never get everything done. You’re so lazy.
- You should just put this off until tomorrow.
- No one appreciates you.
- You’d better be perfect, or you’ll get fired.
- Nobody likes you here.
- Put your career first. Don’t take time for yourself.
- When are you ever going to get a real job?
- No one would hire you.
Insecurity in Relationships
Whether we are single, dating or in a serious, long-term relationship, there are many ways our critical inner voice can creep in to our romantic lives. Relationships, in particular, can stir up past hurts and experiences. They can awaken insecurities we’ve long buried and bring up emotions we don’t expect. Moreover, many of us harbor unconscious fears of intimacy. Being close to someone else can shake us up and bring these emotions and critical inner voices even closer to the surface. Listening to this inner critic can do serious damage to our interpersonal relationships. It can cause us to feel desperate toward our partner or pull back when things start to get serious. It can exaggerate feelings of jealousy or possessiveness or leave us feeling rejected and unworthy. Common critical inner voices we have toward ourselves about relationships include:
- You’re never going to find another person who understands you.
- Don’t get too hooked on her.
- He doesn’t really care about you.
- She is too good for you.
- You’ve got to keep him interested.
- You’re better off on your own.
- As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
- You’ve got to be in control.
- It’s your fault if he gets upset.
- Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt.
In this Webinar: Having a healthy self-perception has been said to predict our health and well-being. Yet, staggering statistics continue to show our…
How Can I Overcome Insecurity?
Once we have a better sense of where our insecurity comes from and the profound influence it is having on our lives, we can begin to challenge it. We can start by interrupting the critical inner voice process. Voice Therapy is a cognitive/affective/behavioral approach developed by Dr. Robert Firestone to help people overcome their critical inner voice. There are five important steps to this process, which I will briefly outline. To learn about Voice Therapy in more depth click here.
The first step of Voice Therapy involves vocalizing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. You can also write down these thoughts. Instead of writing “I am so stupid. What is the matter with me? I’ll never be successful,” you would write, “You are so stupid. You will never be successful.” This process helps you to separate from these vicious attacks by seeing them as an external enemy instead of your real point of view. This process can also be an emotional one, as saying these statements can bring up underlying feelings from the past.
In the second step, you can start to think and talk about the insights and reactions you have to exposing these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past? It can be helpful to uncover the relationship between these voice attacks and the early life experiences that helped shape them. This too will allow you to feel some self-compassion and reject these attitudes as accurate reflections of who you are.
People often struggle with the third step of this process, because it involves standing up to long-held beliefs and insecurities about oneself. You will answer back to your voice attacks, expressing your real point of view. You can write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Respond to your attacks the way you would to a friend who was saying these things about him or herself, with compassion and kindness.
In step five of Voice Therapy, you start to make a connection between how the voice attacks are influencing your present-day behaviors. How do they affect you at work? With your partner? As a parent? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What events trigger the insecurity? In what areas is this insecurity most influential?
The final step involves making a plan to change these behaviors. If insecurity is keeping you from asking someone on a date or going after a promotion, it’s time to do the actions anyway. If you’re indulging in self-hating thoughts that encourage you to engage in self-destructive behaviors, it’s time to interrupt these behaviors and unleash the real you.
This process will not be easy. With change always comes anxiety. These defenses and critical inner voices have been with you your whole life, and they can feel uncomfortable to challenge. When you do change, expect the voices to get louder. Your insecurities aren’t likely to vanish overnight, but slowly, through perseverance, they will start to weaken. Whenever you notice an attack come up, stand up to it and don’t indulge in its directives. If you want to be healthy, don’t let it lure you to avoid exercise. If you want to get closer to your partner, don’t listen when it tells you to hold back your affections.
Join Dr. Lisa Firestone for a Webinar on Overcoming Insecurity
As you sweat through this tough but very worthy transition, it is important to practice self-compassion. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff found self-compassion to be far more psychologically beneficial than self-esteem. Self-esteem still focuses on evaluation and performance, where self-compassion encourages an attitude of kindness and patience. Self-esteem can increase our levels of insecurity, where self-compassion asks us to slow down and assign ourselves value simply for being human. Once we realize our own strength and importance, once we see the ways we’ve been hurt and can feel for ourselves on a deep level, we can actually start to break free of the chains that hold us back. We can shed the insecurities of our past and become the people we want to be.Tags: critical inner voice, critical self-image, fighting the anti-self, image development, insecurity, negative body image, negative self-image, self development, self-destructive thoughts
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I sometimes feel insecure and as much as i try i never seem to stop hearing those critical inner voices everyday theyre louder and louder and louder i try and try but it never works
I keep having this feeling that im a failure and all I do is fail .My Critical inner voices get louder everyday and every time I cant think straight and the sad part is that I have an interview in 2 weeks time and im so scared to pick up my books to even read incase it might be an exam
I get so scared that I always think im going to fail and disappoint everyone ,my mum ,my dad and my elder sister they’re all counting on me but i keep thinking that im hoping to fail and I dont know what to do 😞
You not a failure tell yourself that then go do it and see how it goes.
the inner voice you are hearing is not your voice. it’s the dark voice that is against your success. i advice you to read something like positive affirmation books, law of attraction books or even the bible. when the dark voice say you are a failure, say to that voice I am a successor, I am a winner, I will make, I am strong.
At times insecurity cripples me and my relationship. My (sometimes) success comes from deep within. Instead of reacting right away to the accelerant, take a breath and think…. think about the outcome if you say it. You will look weak,possessive self destructive,worthless etc… other people see it! PERIOD! Your not that good at hiding it! Let your feelings become disgusted toward your insecurities! When we are disgusted by something do we not back away, prevent or become sick?
Thank you, it’s good (in that way I need) to know that the exact same thoughts are expressed by someone else… this is my first time even googling help with my insecurities, I feel that there is an actual goal I may reach! I want it that bad! 🙂
Thank You to both of you. This has done damage to my relationship as well, and needed to know i’m not alone as well. The first reply couldn’t be more true of my past experiences, I thought I was hiding it, but it almost made it more prevelant. I need to tell myself to be angry at why i’m being insecure, and there is a much better person inside of me.
I am your friend.
“All the brethren of the poor [uncertain or anxious about oneself] do hate him, how much more do his friends go far from him?
He pursues them with words, yet they abandon him.” Proverbs: 19:7
I was made a life long family scapegoat because of my mother’s failings. I seem to invite spitefulness everywhere, just by existing.
I was surely blessed with this piece… thanks for sharing and surely I have not remained the same. I am purposed to fight my insecurities…. keep positive and share with my other fellows struggling with the same. Thanks allot
This is by far the most informative article tagging everything that is presently looming in my life. This made my day and gives me hope for the change I so desperately seek.
I hope you’re doing okay now James its been 4 years already, how you holdin’ up?
I do need help with my marriage. I am insecure and I have been married a long time. I don’t get the attention I need and I do throw a fit in an angry way to deal with it. I stir up the fights and swear out loud. I feel I am in control when I do so. Also makes me feel better. Any advice is appreciated
Look up attachment theory, specifically anxious-avoidant relationships. I think that may help
Gosh. Every t I m e I am about to take that next step of committing to my present day crush..if we tell each other we like each other and decide we will be in a relationship ship.. I sense the passion immediately fading away. From fear? That they’re just going to use me or cheat and lie and leave me? From doubt? That it isn’t going to work out in the long haul there’s no way they’re the one or that its even worth investing time in something bound to fail. From social experience? Seeing other guys and girls in relationships flirt around and sleep around on their partners concludes that yes everyone must be doing it so my boyfriend is too!? I feel jealous or worried when a gorgeous girl is around him because I picture him being more attracted to her looks and style and flirty personality. Because in a small moment he is. It is the way human attraction works. But doesn’t necessarily mean im ugly and he doesn’t want me. That moment though drives me insane and I hate myself for not being the fittest or hottest so he doesn’t have to admire other women. Very very unrealistic but I try to hold myself to high standard and it only backfires.
I am insecure for sure. But because I am afraid of rejection and being left in the end. Which I make happen by putting so much focus and energy on the worry It fucks up trust, our communication line, happiness, romance and passion. Sex becomes a sad game of feeling used or more in control.
I just wanted to share that negativity because it’s real. It has taken over my life
But only when I am courting another. I am trying to brave myself into this new potential relationship but I already have ran my guy through the wire a hundred times assuming what he’s really doing and being paranoid accusing him of cheating and he probably will just end up doing so. Because I’m so unattractive like this.
My goal for today is to love my love the way I truly feel for him and smile at him and kiss him and appreciate him for sticking it through one more day. Not accuse or demand answers for conjured up in my head. I will be the beautiful soul I carry within and it will shine through my physical body. Confidence is key and I am accepting of my flaws and radiating my assets like they’re the the best thing since the invention of the internet lol
i just want to say, i can relate to you so much, you are not alone, but the way you are determined to love yourself and conquer your fears by shining your own light on your own worth is really inspiring. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you so much.
This article is helping me tremendously. Understanding why I am insecure, I can now focus on how to transition my ways of thinking. Thank you.
Nce article. Been going thru lots of negative thoughts. As of today l will try on being more accepting of myself. Want to be full of energy and feel great about being me.
Thank you for effort in wanting to help others. And I truly hope there will be some relief for some because of your suggestions. My situation is so much more complex than being ridiculed by parents or significant others. I’ve come to realize, finally, in my
early sixties, that what I am experiencing was a path that was predestined before my birth. As in my souls Karmic cycle. Because of this learning curve, I have learned to accept that I will finish out this life with very few people with whom I can really relate to, and who genuinely care for me, as me. One of my favorite quotes: “Receive with simplicity, everything that happens to you.”
Works for me.
This article has been a tremendous help. I struggle with a lot of self identity/image issues. Writing it out, and facing these things was terribly emotional, but absolutely needed. Just doing those things was a huge step for me. Over the years I’ve become complacent with my insecurities, and have done little, if anything, to change them.
After reading, and going though my own steps, I feel like the “bed for change” has been made.
Thank you, again.
I will try this method out I’ve been struggling with my insecurities really my whole life a lot of the article is why I’ve struggled with insecurities. Growing up with a lot of mental abuse and loneliness i am only 20 years old I just turned 20 I wish sometimes I had someone to talk to like a therapist but it’s 2019 and I barely got money for the things I need on a daily bases as much I feel like need to talk to someone I can’t afford it. I am a true believer in the lord I pray and talk to God pretty often I cry a lot too. I’m still at a stage in life where I’m trying to get on my feet and figure things out. I don’t talk to many people about my personal thoughts me personally I think I’m crazy or bout lost it , and I honestly don’t have friends and the ones I do have wouldn’t understand . Any who i will take baby steps at trying this and just continue to pray but my life right now is really depressing and it gets to me at times it really does. Sometimes I still feel like I don’t wanna be here.
I pray to God as well; and I know he answers my prayers, and that he will answer yours too.
I’m 32 years old, a solo parent and a struggling student. Been trying my whole life to improve myself but nothing seems to work.
I’ll be praying for you too,
I may not know you,
But believe me I understand what your going through, cus I’m going through the same thing
Just know, you are loved ♥.
This article was so helpful. Thank you
I know exactly how you feel. I’m the same age as you and I’ve learnt that it’s not what you pray about, or that you pray at all, but how you pray. If you pray about your insecurities, it’s that voice coming out again, and that could spiral into negative thoughts. So I pray about what I’ve done socially, with work, relationships etc. Thinking positively and that knowing you are a deep thinker can make you feel far more worthy than you think. Also, surround yourself with clubs and community as much as possible, but only in an area you can manage. Even talking to one person is better than a whole group as you can really delve deep into a conversation and assure that your thoughts are normal to many many people :))
I find this so helpful ,I’ve been going through at it over and over again, now I see some positive changes in my life. Thank You
to be honest people are mostly insecure about their apperance/shape of their body..
for example: someone will be stressed that they’re fat
and their will be someone who is in good shape, but still insecure..
Im insecure about my body.
That is hard, being insecure about your body. Thank you for sharing that, and just know that you are not alone, and you have strength.
I am as well and I am not that old so it makes me nervous how I could change for the better
I find this super helpful, I always find that i am not good enough or that I am extremely different then everyone else, I also feel like I don’t always belong ): but this article has taught me some really amazing techniques (:
Very helpful! I found many of these critical thoughts play out in my head everyday. While I am very confident in certain areas, other areas are full of self doubt. I am going to ask my therapist to work with me on the Voice Therapy.
so i am not the only one who is insecure. 🙂 we can do this guys!
Thank you, big help at time of great insecurity ?
Recent events in my life have triggered my insecurities to the point where I have pushed my other half away and have pretty much gotten the feeling I lost her. Not only do I feel I’ve lost her but my family in general. This article has shown me things to help me counter these insecurities and I pray that I can get my family back and be happy once again.
Thanks for writing this amazing article
I too had pushed my family away and now am closer to them. Hope it all went well for you too.
I am going through this as we speak ..ive been dating an amazing woman for two years we got 4 beautiful kids together ..but due to my past and probably cause my parents split when i was 18 i spent the first 2 years treating her like shit .even though deep down inside my core she was the one i always wanted ..we had a falling out a few months back ..where from all the fighting we did i thought i couldnt handle it..when it was meerly me loosing my cool and not communicating..but i left to go live with a buddy..and that night i left ..i ..i realized how badly and how much in love i was with her..so we got back together ..unfortionatly i did not learn from my mistakes of lashing out during a simple fight ..and we ended up splitting for about 3 weeks..but during those 3 weeks ..i was miserable constantly blaiming myself and constantly thinking she is gonna be with a better man..constantly overthinking and analyzing shit.. to make a long story short..we are together now tryna work through it..and im thankful..but during those 3 weeks i awoken bad mind overthinking habits ive had since 18..and now the insecurities wont go away..im either overthinking shes gonna find another man..or she doesnt love me..or this will end..but when she shows me an ounce of security ..my mind goes to the overthinking process and questioning of is this the woman i wanna be with ..do i love her..just super negativity out of nowhere..and now i cant help but wake up and go to bed thinking about the bullshit that plagues me..i want to be happy with myself like i was just last month and also be with the woman i know i love at my core ..but the thoughts hold me back significantly .and i am not myself at all..
Hold on to how much she loves you…..hold on to what an amazing mom she is to your kids ……hold on and remember how she’s always will to make it work between the both of you…….but in the mean while fight….fight…fight….that feeling of insecurity…….don’t let it take away this beautiful life you’ve made……fight it like how you would protect your kids from danger or harm…… take care
I am in the same situation I am insecure and have 2 little boys and I am being to clingy and needy and now my lady is saying she needs space and I am finding it hard to give it to her.
I’m in the same situation
Recently i have been thinking about starting a podcast to talk about insecurity, and interview people to talk about their own. I want to create a community, where people can feel safe to express their own insecurity, so that they can start taking action and overcome it. Also to show that there are many out there on the same boat. However, the ironic thing is that my own insecurity is holding me back, the thought that i would be able to reach no one, and fail is in my way.
I have been looking for this. I wish I had found this sooner. Here’s to a better and improved me!!!
Thank you. You said it all so well
Thanks for this article. Feeling really bad today. It gives me some hope.
is insecurity heriditary? because my paternal grand dad is insecure so is my dad, and i am beginning to be so too
I’m not sure it’s hereditary but many of the underlying causes this article mentions tend to be passed down from parent to child. Personally I think it’s more about circumstances than genetics but everything can have an effect to a degree. After reading this article I hope to focus on improving my own insecurities so that I do better for my children.
Thank you. What great insight.
Thank you for this information it has really helped me to think clearly about what I say about myself.
i want to do this so badly but i don’t think i have the strength to do it nor energy, i’m 6 months pregnant as well so this could be a factor in my insecurity, my insecurity gets in the way everyday with me and my partner but it seemed like my insecurities got stronger when with him. i’m thinking that maybe it’s because this is my first actual relationship that i love and i don’t want to lose it so i’m scared that something is going to take him away from me, i’m tempted every day to put makeup on and do my hair and wear pretty clothing because i feel like someone better will come along and take him and sees me struggle with my insecurities, he knows it hurts me and he tells me everyday that he loves me and tells me that i’m beautiful and i believe it sometimes but sometimes i don’t. he holds me when i can’t cope with my overwhelming thoughts.
I hear you on that. I am planning to tell my fiance tonight. I struggle with anxiety as well and it is killing me. When I got engaged, I experienced so much anxiety but we were living in different cities so I was able to pull myself together before we Skyped. Now were in the same place and between the anxiety and the insecurity I don’t know which is worse. One seems to trigger the next. I pick arguments with him without even knowing why. It’s tearing us apart and this in turn causes more anxiety, more insecurity. I’m a mess.
I can totally relate. I keep pushing my partner away. I need to get some help.
Hope you can get better with your struggle. I feel so much like you.
life has been a struggle.. BT thanks for the insight I really needed it.
Thank you for this article.
This is a very well constructed article, but I feel it caters to the general populace too much, I mean of course that’s what you want in an article that’s going to be posted on the Internet. But there was a reason I typed this in and read the whole article. I feel like there are many points I can take away from this as anyone could, but the insecure part of me that is unique to myself feels that this is all wrong and doesn’t apply to many many aspects of my own personal insecurity. I personally enjoy being insecure looking from 3rd party perfect ice as I feel it makes me unique, but isn’t that just a form of insecurity itself ? I’m happy with who I am and what people think of me, I’m just not happy with what I think of me. This won’t help people like me and I can’t find anything that can, I don’t even know if I’m looking for help… I’m just trying to understand because it’s interesting.
I am a 18 yr old guy currently in my second semester ,I am quite average looking, I used to feel insecure about how I look since I was a kid and I took those feelings with me till today, and here I am in college I still have thoughts of what people think about me even when they don’t know me , I read many articles regarding this and Today I will start overcoming this feeling that drags me down ,I also turn the bad thoughts into
Power to aid myself and others ,I’ve always been training im the gym and this is definetely gives an extra source of power so people , you must face your insecurities to be able to get rid of them , its a slow process and it depends on how you feel inside , anyway thanks for this and I hope I helped
Hi, I loved hearing all the responses to this article and can relate to the person on the other end of the spectrum.. I Have been in a relationship which is currently at its end of 5+ yrs. I have dealt with this insecure man in ever way this article describes. First I would like to say that he is currently sober and has been for 23 years. I. Am Very proud of his achievement. On the other hand I have experienced his behavior of insecurity control impulsiveness adbandment, obsession , and jealousy. I could prob right a book on our past 5 years. Being in this rollercoaster of a relationship has made me not trust a man. It’s very hard when , especially the insecure person is in denial. It’s a constant battle everyday. He stars fight and takes tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. His mother left him and the family at such a young that he started drinking at 13 to self medicate his mother abandmant. They still till this day rarely talk she is very distant from her adult kids. This has effected him more than he can ever understand. I have read article after article been to AA meetings al alonon and therapy becuz of this torture I allowed , I allowed this to go on more than I should have, but love is blind. And I have been brot to taking more medication than I was described so I could show him how much it was killing me. I wanted him to see the damage he was doing. His first wife killed herself from Depressin and Being cheated on by this man for years he was unable t stop his addictions. He stopped drinking for 23 but didn’t fix the things that originally brot him there to begin with. All those surpressed feelings of adbandment came to the surface and made this man a living hell for me to be with. I always wondered y one minute we were so happy and the next he was out of control jealous obsessive and a control freak. He had such stinky thinking that took over his brain, which I don’t think he will ever understand. He used t claim I was places when. I Wasn’t and wanted to know my whereabouts at all times it was so suffocateing and dibilitaing. He eventually cheated on me and claimed I was doing it to him , but God as my witness I never did and couldn’t u figure out y he always accused me of it, but finally it made sense he put ha own insecurities on me to relieve his own guilt of what he was doing to me. He can’t maintain a relationship becuz he always thinks of it ended and ends it before he can get hurt but always has a back up to protect his potential loniness. I wish he would get the help he needs to help not only himself but his own kids who are experiencing these same issues with him, he buys there love rather than show them affection. He prushes them off tlike they are crumbs on a table. I lived with him off and on for 3 yrs, and dealt with being verbally abused and bullied constantly and him assumptions and projective behavior!!! it has made me scared to date again. Especially the cheating part. I am a very confident independent women and I feel that I will soon be able to find the right man and I will not tolerate any behavior that is even close to a insecure man. Also I was married to an alcoholic for 23 yrs. and feel that was not as bad as dealing with a sober insecure man. Just my point of view . Thanks for reading.
Thank you. I’ve been able to help myself understand the irrational self-doubt I have had looming over me with the help of this article.
Thank you very much. I’ve been trying to change but I had no idea how and this article helped me. Besides, after reading all this comments I realized that I’m not alone in this fight and I will overcome all theses feelings
My father was and still is very critic to me. Everybody that is not like him , he considers weak and useless because he considers that anyone have the same capacity of him. It is hard fot me not cry everyday and ignore his critics but I will.
I really appreciate this post! It actually gives practical steps which is helpful 🙂
Good piece of research and writing indeed. I am hoping I will be free from these chains too, if it has happened to others why would it not to me! thank you
Thank you SO much. For the longest time I have been constantly bothered by the thought that I a not pretty, that he could never love me and nobody every would. I have been bothered by the thoughts of put-downs that are so crazy it would seem unreal. But because of this article, the thoughts have faded into the background. I could never thank you more!!!
For the longest time I just assumed i was different, and i let my insecurities destroy numerous relationships in my life. As I was reading this article, i couldn’t help but crack a smile as I realized I’m not alone. The article plus the amazing comments gave me a sense of relief that i could overcome this and would not let it define me any longer. We are all human beings and we are all amazing, and I finally feel like I’m a human being now too, so thank you very very much. I truly appreciate this!
It have been an amazing and nourishing article but like you said most critical inner voices are build up from bad past experiences….so what if i have something holding me down that i dont even know if is a problem but i keep thinking its a big deal….
This helps me understand why I’m so insecure because I’ve had so many people talk down to me… And how my parents’ marige is going is not helping at all…
Thank you all ..it was so helpful to know I am not alone who struggle with it.
I stopped in the middle of therapy. I found out, I (thought I) hated myself. So I would work very hard to please anyone in my realm so I could get self worth. Found out step parents really painted ugly pictures in my head. Then, done. Lost my job, no insurance, and I was left mildly informed, scared, and alone.
This article is wonderful. It will help me as i transition my life back to voluntary mental health therapy. I will read it everyday, as my symptoms are quite severe. I can already feel the chains breaking. The fruit from my worthy tree is starting to ripe. Light is at the end of the tunnel and all I have to do is remember the kind words in this article.
On the outside, we are handsome or pretty, smart, funny, loving… This article already covered the inside. Time to put the lies to rest, and set the truth free!
We are all humans, and therefore are entitled to all that entails. Self security. 🙂
This comment helped me so much. Thank you for sharing. I hope you are doing well.
Yes, what a beautiful comment! We are all worthy of love.
Thank you, so much!!
I have battled with self hatred & such a high level of insecurity , I have hurt a lot of people & I have been a victim also. Pam I thank you for your openness & courage for sharing the way you did.
I hope & pray everyone finds freedom , strength & success & the husbands & wives who support you & bring out the best in you all.
I had a terrible abusive childhood & growing up was , abusive myself but I tried so hard to not be like the previous generations before me but as lifes tragedies unfolded I became my greatest fear , I felt like I was in a mental & emotional prison with no way out & no way I could hold down any relationship.
Pam I hate to admit it but I have been that same person as your partner , but I seen many counsellors & Psychologists & became a Christian but yet , at times been like Oliver when I just cannot love myself & have a HEALTHY view of who I am …
I know there is a part of me that is so loving & caring & wants to help others , but as soon as I enter into a relationship I am overcome with FEAR & insecurity ..
I am truly grateful for this post , I never stopped seeking help
I hope & pray this is the tool to set me free to love & support everyone in my life without restraint 🙂 God bless us all
Insecurities were waying me down everyday of my life and it got me feeling that they was no way to success but now they is no insecurity can way me down coz I would deffinetly deal with it thanks alot
~Feels so good to know I am not alone after all, you are all beautiful unique people! And this will make us stronger! Thanks so much for this article!!! Made my day and gave me a sense of hope~
Thank you tons! I finally feel like I could take a stand for myself.
This is amazing advice!
sir i m definatly try this
Super insecure guy here and I’ll say while this article helps, I don’t see how to get past my insecurities because of my situation. The article stated, “What they found is that the most common self-critical thought people have toward themselves is that they are different – not in a positive sense, but in some negative, alienating way.” I definitely struggle with this and the reason I think the self critical thoughts are true is that out of all my relatives families, (I have 4 uncles and 5 aunts) every one of them and all my cousins are successful in life. Successful being defined as gainfully employed and have the income to have children. Except my Dad and Mom. I think my Mom projects her insecurities on my Dad but with just reason because he is lazy and hasn’t asserted himself in life. It causes his insecurities to be even worse where I don’t think he even wants to try at anything. Including being a presently active father to me. It’s painful for me to think or accept that my Dad is a loser. Of course despite that I love my Dad and try to focus on the positive aspects he has. However what makes this more difficult is that I also gave up trying because of my insecurities and deep down judge myself as a loser. Knowing that my relatives probably look down on him, my Mom, and even myself and my sister, fills me not only with self pity but also resentment towards my relatives, my parents and myself. I try not to see my relatives and some have never made an effort to be close to them. I am content to live my own life away from it all and try to surround myself with people who are supportive. However I still have to see them occasionally at major events like the wedding I am currently attending. These insecurities have been crippling to the point where it is hindering me from achieving my goals. Cannabis and Netflix have provided some relief but I believe distractions like that only mask the issues and doesn’t help me overcome them. I sometimes want to leave society behind and run into the wild like that guy who died in that abandoned bus in the woods although I do not wish the same fate. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. Thx
I My conditions if not the same is very close to yours as of the relatives. I had a wonderful childhood. It was materialistic . i may have had every toy that i may have wished for But my parents were never there for my emotonal needs and even caressing counts. And now my mom is going through somewhat they call Mid-life Crisis and that sometimes makes her lash out on me or my dad. And i am not blaming her for this in a way she has her own reasons. A few years back it was really bad for me casue my mom and dad really used to fight a lot and being a single child i had no one to share it with. Looking at my mom i became more and more insecure about my feelings without even really talking about it with anyone. Now what i have realized is that the less you think about this stuff the better you can focus on something that make you fee happy and helps you raise your self-esteem. I did that with studies and i am not that good in academics i was like a 60 % aggregate student. and now i am the class topper. I would just say that look at your condition not like a way to blame for your insecurities but as a challenge. GOD Or UNIVERSE (whatever you believe in) has given you this wonderful opportunity to prove something and believe me 24 hours a day is not short at all.. It is a perfect design. It is made that way so we could exploit it. Just work hard like make a plan.. and if you are like me you might get overwhelmed to read all this and act on it. But it’s really not that difficult. You just have to start.. There will be many times when you would be like “Okay that is enough for today ” or ” maybe i will start that tomorrow” but remember whenever these kind of thoughts come to mind just remember to start.. It will be so much fun that you would hardly think that you cant do it.. No matter how difficult it is. I think if I can do it Anybody can. JUst start .. that simple
Hello jack. Your history is almost the same than mine. My mother very insecure and my father very lazy and not a responsible father and taking my mothers money. now I am overcoming this mental illness. I forget the past, because already past. Greets from Honduras.
This article has helped me to see what and why I am unsuccessful in relationships thank you so much for allowing me to see the demons I must overcome and am going to stand up to , it’s time for me to live and for others to see the real me without the voices, I grew up being sexually abused and put down and nothing being good enough but it’s time to break this chain
This is so helpful, Thank you.
i have an insecurity with my legs. I am a dancer, and is doing basic ballet. But my legs arent proportioned with my upper body. It felt like my legs are too short to even do a proper split and plie. And whenver i stretch them, i feel very inferior. My insecurity affected my passion to dance to the point i thought that i was never meant to be a dancer because of my body proportion.
Now, im following these steps and will try to overcome it slowly. This very helpful and has lighten me up and gave me hope. I am depressed and anxious just because of this insecurity. Thank you so much
Thank you so much.
before coming here , i had sort of panic attack of insecurities.. so all i could to was to spill it out in my phones memory keeping thing. i was surprised to see what i wrote was already written here …
I just hope these echos could go away and let me appreciate what i already have.
I plan to read and re-read this page over and over again because it contains some very valuable information – things that can change lives. Thank you for publishing it!
Thanks. This is coming to me at the right time. In fact, I feel like not leaving here so as to be reading it to myself even in my dream. I still need serious help as my past broken relationships has increased the insecurity in me. Thanks a lot for the information
I am insecure in every way , this is really helpful thank you.
I’m so glad I found and read this article thank you !!!
Thank you ,but please how do I asses my improvement
Thank you for this great article
I am a 53 years old divorced and now living with my partner of 4 years, she is amazing, funny, confident, independent and a million other things besides. I am so lucky to have found love a second time and have so much to look forward to including ambitions to build our own house ?. I have my own small business and my partner is a manager. It all sounds perfect but there is a but!!! I am massively insecure, Looking back I felt so safe in my marriage three lovely children a nice house and friends but think I have always been a little bit needy nut I don’t remember it ever being enough to cause any real issues or even be mentioned. I have been to counselling, read articles on line, books and blogs galore which have helped but not cured. I can go for months using positive thoughts to keep it in check then all of a sudden the most stupid of things will set of a spike it’s like a firework going off and nothing will put it out, I try hiding it but my partner can see through it and says its so obvious that I’m quiet or in a mood, I try to deny it because I know what ever I’m thinking is socially not acceptable and in the cold light of day down right rediculous too, I hate lies and lying with a passion my ex cheated and the lies that go with it are devastating from someone you trusted as your closed friend for nearly 30 years! Any way if I’m asked what’s wrong I can’t help it but it comes out and then all hell breaks out, I critise her and say it’s her fault, only when it’s all calmed down I realise it’s my irrational thoughts and she done nothing wrong so to cut an all ready long story short I’m pushing her away and leaving so many scares, she doesn’t deserve this no one does. I feel so guilty and think I’m such a bad person. I have just read the above article which has given me some real food for thought, I can’t recal where in my childhood insecurity has come from though. I so want to be cured! It’s so painful worse than any physical trauma
So, like everyone else here I suffer from insecurities that are affecting my new relationship. I met her and fell head over heals in love on our first date. It was so perfect I felt God had brought us together. When we first started out, she was the more insecure and told me so. So afraid to lose me every day and then something happened; the roles were reversed and I became or my insecurities came out in full force! Now we are engaged but I’m still insecure. She posted on FB about her new man,(me) and how fabulous he was and how happy she is. Then all of a sudden every trace of me is gone from her page except that she is engaged to me. She says it’s because people that post relationships on Facebook typically end up broken up. I don’t where this is coming from but three weeks after we started dating she disclosed that her cancer came out of remission and she was dealing with that. Also she is a single mom and getting no support she runs herself into the ground to support her kids. Her kids call me dad and love me but in the back of my mind is something going on here? It’s like being on a roller coaster where one day she is all lovey dovey and planning our move together and two days later she is run down and our conversations are polite and uninvolved. She tells me she loves me and misses me every day ( 3 hours apart) and can’t wait till we are married and living our lives together. The next day or so, nothing. We text all day but it feels strained sometimes and I don’t know if it’s from my insecurities or if this relationship of two months is going bad as fast as it came on. I would walk on fire for her and don’t want to give up but am so spun I don’t know if I’m coming or going!!!
In my experience nobody is in the same mood everyday! Some days happy and full of love, the next tired stressed and not as high on love! Once the honey moon period starts to fade and reality of life takes over ie:- work, children, money problems and health all kick in, this can allow insecurities to creep in! After all who would feel insecure when you text each other all the time, have sex three times a day and tell each other you love be them all the time? From experience and reading various books and blogs I found one partner will generally start to back off / want a little more relaxed pace before the other. It’s easy for me now to see what’s happening when I read others struggling,but when it happened to me it was so confusing I didn’t know if I was coming and going!!! Ok so things that helped me – a counsellor once told me Buddhas believe ” everything passes” I took that to mean if I’m feeling the insecure keep busy don’t dwell on it and the feeling will pass, feed it and it will get stronger!!. I know it’s possible to speed the process up by asking our partner to tell us they love us and how much but that only makes us more reliant on others rather than self sufficient! ( I know it’s very very hard but it made me stronger) when we text our partner are we texting to get a response ( to satisfy our insecurity) or because we want them to know how much we care or want them? Looking at what you put about texting if it seems forced it probably is and in my experience it’s a normal relaxing of the relationship, I refer you to what I put above. Life is way to short to worry take each day at a time enjoy every minute. Hope this helps?
Mike, I agree with Paul. Pretty much everything.
Just don’t forget, life is a struggle, and anyone pretending it isn’t is fooling themselves.
We have to stay positive, wake up and choose joy, but some days are better than others. You are a new couple, so texting all day (not every day) is going to happen. That will probably fade, unless you really like being on your phone all day (I do not).
Take each day, one at a time. some days you will both feel like communicating a lot, other days will be more quiet. Try to learn to go with the flow of your, and her emotional state, that day. If you think something is bothering her, maybe ask her, but tell her she doesnt have to talk about it if she needs time. Life is a roller coaster for everyone. If you keep putting love first, and sounds like that is exactly what you are doing, you are on the right path. Don’t question it. Follow your heart, and be tough.
this article helped me to realize my insecurities
I have been suffering from this insecurity I don’t know that this mess is caused by the voices in my head thanks to this bloc i m going to work on the voices in my head.
I can realate to most of you and it’s not an easy thing to live with. My story started when I was a kid, from being teased to being told your ugly by your own grandmother and went into my teen years of bad realationships to being married to an abusive man. Yes I did leave after living in fear of my and myself after 20 yrs and today I am now married to the most amazing man , I’m happy but my insecurities from my past life are causing me to think that I’m not good enough or pretty enough and yes like you I worry someone better for him will take the one thing that completes me. I find myself questioning him about girls he’s friends with on fb and when he’s texting I’m assuming it’s with a girl. I hate this and I want it to stop!!!! I don’t like who I am, he can’t even play out ( he’s a guitar player ) without looking around the room like a vulture seeing whom I’m up against! It’s sad I know and I’m sure I look stupid but I can’t help it and I do try but fall back into the insecure net ugh!!!!
women who lovers her hubby
I found it just as hard as you to get used to my partner getting random txt and worrying where the next threat would come from. The light bulb moment for me was flipping it around to thinking any amount of people can threaten, but my partner has chosen me and as long as I choose to be the best person I can then hey if we do split up I have done everything I could with no regrets, no wishing I had done things differently.
Live every day to be the best person you can!
I thought I was the only one out here, and everyone else had life worked out ?
Amazing read, almost like a DIY but the important thing for me and for others, is to use it everyday and not for the sake of instant results.
I’ve found this helpful thanks. Some people are good at being a manager, it’s all about relaxing no matter what they don’t know you girl and as long as your trying to improve no matter what you’ve been through things will change never let anything bring you down 😀 don’t be scared just try hard and soar among the queers no one is better than the other in this world that’s a healthy attitude in it’s self everyone is special and have a purpose find your talent and if there is something about you to cause insecurities that can be a positive thang, never quit.
I’m only 16 but I’ve fought a lot of those listed above, and had grown complacent with them, but after reading this article it has given me encouragement and advice on how to conquer my insecurity. This is really helpful. Thanks so much.
I’m so glad I found this article. I want to stop feeling so damm insecure all the time. I want to “unleash” my true self. Thank you. ??
I loved the talk on self-compassion and the critical inner voice! The information contained in this article was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so so so much!
Thank you for making this article. I was bullied by people which caused me to look at myself differently and I used to not care about what I looked like, but I started looking at myself in the mirror everyday and hating what I saw. I also became obsessed with eating less food and torturing myself just so I could lose a pound or two and feel better about myself, but it never made me truly feel good about myself. Fortunately, I had friends who helped me through it all and thanks to this article my life is slowly being picked up from the ground and being put back together like a broken puzzle. Thank you so so much for publishing this and God bless you all. <3
Thank you for this article! I now understand where insecurity starts..in the home. I had wonderful loving parents but always felt scared and alone…my father was an alcoholic and I had an emotionally abusive brother. My Mom worked full time trying to keep the family afloat
She struggled with depression and anxiety. I felt invisible. I would stay in my room most of the time. I was very shy and introverted. So, this carried over into my adult years. I have always been labled as weak and fragile
8 hate that. Although I am now in my 50’s and have a few close relationships and a fairly successful career, my insecurities get the best of me almost daily. I hope this will help to change my way of thinking. For anyone else out there who is suffering, I think it is time we put an end to thi! God put us on this earth to be happy and to be good to others and ourselves! Peace and Love!!
Everything written above here is exactly what happening to me now and before. I will follow the steps and positively wait for the results. Amen!
I am 29, Latino and good looking man. But I never had a girlfriend, resings many jobs. Loosing pretties women. I have been dealing with insecurity all my life. Now I feel 80% healed I am very happy , I started to change at my 21 .has been a very slow process. My mom was insecure all her life and then transfer it to me.
I think my insecurity began when I was in elementary school. Now at 22, they seem to haunt my life completely. I’ve never felt good enough. It first started with my grades, my parents expected nothing but A’s. I remember when I made a B in the fifth grade— I burst into tears in the class room. (However it turned out the teacher made a mistake of my grade sheet). I’ve never felt good enough, always trying to please someone. I remember always comparing my body, i was never pretty enough or skinny enough. Even now I feel the same way. The matter is, I’ve never fully addressed my body dysmorphia. I’ve just tried to correct it. I would obsess over other women’s bodies. I’d diet, it wouldn’t eat. I’d also go through moments when I wouldn’t care and eat anything. The thing is— I’ve always been labeled as “skinny.” I’ve 5’10’’ about 145 pounds. For some reason I feel the need to be perfect. I need the perfect body, perfect grades, face, lifestyle. I spend hours at night reorganizing and color coding my clothes. But I’ve never seemed to get them perfect. When I was in middle school and throughout high school, I would redecorate my room, shifting furniture and painting for hours. There were many nights I just didn’t sleep. Many nights I just gave up because I couldn’t achieve perfect. Hahaha all of these tendencies stroll exist, but I act them out in lesser degrees. I still reorganize my closet every two months. Some months I still workout obsessively. My mind’s still searching for a recipe for perfection. I do understand my concepts about life are completely unattainable. Perfection doesn’t exist. I just want to be happy in my skin, and in my life… preferably before I’m 23.
I couldn’t even read this article, couldn’t get passed the examples like ‘you’re stupid,’ what a trigger.
I find this article very interesting but struggle with the 5-step example you outlined. I find it difficult to look at this “innner voice” as you call it as simply a voice because somehow it feels like the voice controls me so much as it were that all my bad thoughts have literally become a reality. It’s not just a feeling or thought but more something that describes me I feel.
But other than that I did like the article and it looks like it has some real truth to it. Sadly I’m not sure how to incorperate the message into my life for reason stated above…
This is sooo close to the Subconscious Imprinting Technique that we promote.
Addressing the feelings/voices and recognizing them, even thinking about where they came from in the past, this is awesome!
The only part I would add to this, is finding EXACTLY when, where, who trapped that emotion in your body (using muscle testing) … then releasing it.
Awesome stuff! 🙂
This article is amazing! It includes almost all the possible roots of bad feelings. It helped me a lot! ? I had really bad childhood. Today, from this valuable article, I understood that I should start to feel compassionate towards myself. It is so soothing to know I’m not the only one who had a lot of painful experiences in childhood.
This explanation was very helpful. I especially like the “voices will get louder” when you start to confront your inner critic. I can tell that’s when it gets to be the hardest and the author wrote this so well. Thank you.
Very informative & helpful but what can one do when the two most important people in your life are the ones making you feel insecure & they don’t even know it. & you know they’re not doing it on purpose, they love you, they would never want to hurt you but your brain just takes over & makes you feel so tiny.
I understand exactly what you are going through, i am in the same situation, also my partner is in the same situation too. In my case, throughout my adolescent and teen life, and even now in my 20s, my asian ass parents would constantly be reminding me that if you dont go school and get good grades, you will never make money and become successful. So i thought that to be true, however, i sucked ass at school, grades were okay, but nothing spectacular. what made it worse was that my brother didn’t go to uni, so their expectation of me got even larger. And again, i suck at uni, i hated, my GPA is struggling at 2.0, this made me questioned myself, how are other people so smart, why can’t i be the same, i probably wont be successful (otherwise don’t have a trajectory of going anywhere in life). Only recently have i decided to live my own life, and do what i want, however, that glimpse of insecurity is still there, making me doubtful whether i am actually good enough to do things. And even till now, my parents always seem to be on my ass, when i don’t go to work (i am able to work from home if i wanted to) they would always ask me why am i not at work today, with an underlying implication that they think i am not doing well. which bugs me, i try to not let it get to me but it still does. However, i try not to blame them, im trying to step into their shoes to understand why they are that way. They simply came over to australia for their kids to have a better life, no english, no prospect, they didnt believe in themselves to amount to anything big. Therefore, they slaved away at physical labour, trying to put their kids through school, their insecurities stem from the love for their kids, they don’t want us to go through what they went through. This is just one of my insecurities, however, that is the light that i am trying to shine on it. i want to take accountability for myself, i choose whether i let those insecurities cripple me from moving forward, or whether i tell it to fuck off, even though i would still be feeling it while moving forward. In saying that, daily, i still find myself procrastinating 80% of the time, either due to the fact that i don’t find fascination in my job, or it is because my insecurity is stopping me from trying hard so that i don’t risk failing. That is for me to figure out, and something that i will overcome.
Reading many of this story, it has really touched me deeply, i really want to create an outlet for the scale, so that people can openly voice their insecurities and begin to overcome the hardships that it brings along. I’ve been thinking of starting a podcast talking about insecurities, interview anyone who is willing to share their experience. So that a community can be created to help people shine a light on their insecurity themselves, and begin to take action on their own happiness and fulfillment. I am definitely not an expert, i do not want to give advice, i just want to show people that there are also people out there who are also suffering, and that no one has their shit figured out. And most importantly, i want to help lift my partner up, she suffer from major insecurities due to her parents who are mentally abusive towards her, which i have been observing, the cause of her lack of self-confidence.
I pushed someone who truly loved me away, just because I just could not believe he loved me. It’s like every time he would show affection, I would fear if I showed him that I cared I will screw up, so held back several times. And eventually he thought I was not interested in him and he left.
I’ve recently got back together with my baby daddy after 7 years of being apart. But was thinking of ending it again coz I feel unworthy of him. I’ve always had insecurities about everything in my life. Not successful in my chosen career, not confident of my abilities, not sure any man can love me long term, don’t know how to mother my 9 year old girl without destroying her real self(hv tendency to over praise & treat her like she’s 5). This article is an eye opener as it teaches me how to be self compassionate, concurrently changing the way I relate & treat everyone
Thank you so much for this very useful article.
I need help controlling my insecurities my jealousy
I needed this very badly. Been holding up my insecurities so long that people can easily let me down.
Firstly, I will a big thank you for this words of encouragement. While growing up, discovering the things I love, have always been told that I cannot do better. That am a failure. Am 23, but I still hear this inner voice telling me I cannot have someone who will love me. Because of this insecurities, I don’t have friends, I always want to be alone. Believing I cannot be loved. But after reading this, I believe I can overcome all my fears and insecurities. I want to love my self first and love everyone around. And heal from my past.
Im 24 and I still can remember how kids told me that I was ugly. I was at a kindergarden with my brother. They pull him away from me and told him not to get near to me. I felt so isolated and hating myself. I even got bullied. This year I fought with my sister, and she yell to me “you don’t even realize that you are ugly!”. Damn, it hurts me so much. After a long year I built myself up, those words brings me down. Well nobody tell me that I’m beautiful, so maybe thats how is it. I know that nobody defines me, but it’s so hard to say that I’m also worthy when nobody appreciates me. But I have to appreciate myself for who I am. I’ll be more compassionate to myself.
Sara i am so sorry to hear you have been treated this way. People can be cruel and dont think, and alot of times do not even mean what they say. It seems to me from reading your words that you have a beautiful heart and mind and that is what really makes a person beautiful. If you just keep learning to love and accept yourself more, exactly as you are, perfectly You, with flaws and all, then you can appreciate yourself which opens the door for someone else to also appreciate you.
Till i read this article, i didn’t know what i going through or my problem is insecurity.. i thought i was shy, socially awkward, shamefull.. just a one who takes the blame all on himself… But tgat was all the effect of my insecurity..
My mother used to curse me alot and my father used to insalt me very heartfeeling words.. i mean the type of insult that u would throw at your meaneat enemy.. Actually he also have insecurities at some point and he was angry at life.. and people there at work, would tease him for his insecurities.. Then he will come back home and load all these things on us.. he uses every word on us that has broke his heart.. He can’t speak for himself… And and he came home and insult us.. Matterfact I’m the older one and he puts alot of tones of demoralization on me.. He used to insult me like I’m retarded and different.. I would go and ask my friends if I’m that guy.. ant they would say , that I’m not. And then i become introvert, shy and all the negative things
But thank God i got some good friends and they helped me to feel normal.. I mean no one understand these things unless u go through it. For many years i hated my father and used to have no care for my mom. I thought it is because what they said was right.. i though it was because i was abnormally different.
Okay.. let me rap this up.. i wanna thank u for letting me know what my problem is.. and fo showing how to solve this.. you saved my life
Oh thanks so much for this, at some point I hated my self….
You have just saved my relationship
I have had my own fair or should I say unfair share of jealousy, attachment, marital conflicts as a result of my own insecurity.
It took the concerted effort of great friends, amiable husband, family, and great books like the one written by Amy Christine, Overcome Insecurity and Fear in your Relationships. These books helped me to put things in perspective.
I was having a moment of insecurity and decided to find help online, see how other people cope with it. This article helped me. I also suggest people read the book written by Amy Christine titled Overcome Insecurity and Fear in your Relationship. Here the link below where you can find details about this.
I’m 18 and I’m always insecure about how I look. I wear eye glasses and I look good in them but I feel very vulnerable without them. I have eye bags that don’t go away…. people tell me I’m fine and all but it’s just hard.
In my own experience, conflicts arise out of each person trying to fulfill what they believe to be their needs. In many cases, the ones that don’t get resolved and cause scars on a relationship is when those needs are rooted in fear. I think the author’s advice on patience and allowing each other to go into a neutral corner for a timeout to process their emotions is important. I really like the Amy Christine method (https://yourloverelationships.wordpress.com/2020/05/24/insecurerelationship/) and I have found that whenever I feel resentment, using Christine has allowed me to trace it back to my own fears. Naming those fears and sharing them with your partner can melt the resentment and soften your heart so that you can truly have compassion for the other person. I don’t know who said it, but I really do believe that love is the absence of fear.
I keep having this feeling that im a failure and all I do is fail .My Critical inner voices get louder everyday and every time I cant think straight and the sad part is that I have an interview in 2 weeks time and im so scared to pick up my books to even read incase it might be an exam
I get so scared that I always think im going to fail and disappoint everyone ,my mum ,my dad and my elder sister they’re all counting on me but i keep thinking that im hoping to fail and I dont know what to do 😞I try and try and try but I never have the courage to face it because all my inner voices are of all the people in my life and what I feel like i would hear from them if I disappointed them and everything counts on this interview my whole life counts on it if I dont make it into this university I would just be the failure my mind keeps saying I am
I really love your article i mean it even made me say all this I just hope I gather the courage I need to open my books and be proud of myself and tell myself that im not a failure that I willand I can succeed and that I eill pass this interview or exam
Thank you. I was feeling so insecure before but after seeing that many people have the same problem as me I can try to improve myself
Yoh… It helped but am half way there
hi, i am Aulia, it’ great article , i just understand the differ level about self esteem and self-compassion. actually i want to make fashion that related with overcoming the insecurity issue, hope we can have more discussion for this, i am Aulia, Indonesia.
due to my insecurity with hair and acne I don’t even feel like going anywhere.
All I see is perfect families and beautiful people.
I am scared that I will be told I don’t look beautiful.
I am scared of being not accepted by anyone.
I am scared I will be left alone.
I am scared. I don’t even like to see myself anymore.
I am teen and I am just loosing a lot of hair and having acne.
I lost my self esteem.
nothing feels right.
I want to hide myself until I become beautiful and accepted by society’s beauty standard.
I am INDIAN.
In April 2020 I went on a short trip to pick up my daughter who was 36 hours away round trip was longer hit a snow storm. My fiance stayed home with excuses why he couldn’t come, he was off work due to shortage but was waiting to be called back in. He texted me along the way of my trip there were a few hours I didn’t here from him when I did text him that the roads were getting worse and the opp were going to be closing them. Earlier he bought some alcohol and said he was going to go to a buddies house. Months later I received a message from this girl who really likes my fiance saying she spent time with him they kisses showed me text messages. He denied everything because we know she like to break up relationships. But how did these text messages come about. Even his ex who he can’t stand and have a daughter together said he made passes at her to have a quicky. My insecurities are killing me every time he’s texting I come into the room he seems to hide it. I’m getting married in less then a month and I’m wondering if this is going to ruin us. Everytime I was to talk about it with him he gets mad for bringing it up. Idk what to do.
I really appreciate this article, it has opened
me up to some things I never knew about,
thanks so much for highlighting this critical
areas in one’s life and how to work on it.
I’m getting to the point where I’m scared to go inside Walmart or even go out because I’m so insecure. I try to not care what other people think but I do. I feel like I’m not near as good enough as these other dudes and that messes with me.
I need help about my insecurity am going to lose my relationship because of it. I feel so much doubt in me that I don’t know how to get out of it
I have been having gender crisis recently and im scared that it might ruin my realationship. 🙁
I’m insecure about a lot of things. I’m insecure about things like how I am physically including my voice, my gender, my race, my sexuality, my skin, my height, my hair and face and eyes, etc, and it also comes down to things like what i enjoy doing. I am an artsy highschool kid, but the most I can manage is a quick doodle before i get frustrated and get too angry and discouraged to continue.
I didn’t think I would get good at anything. Everyone told me that I sucked at everything, and that I wasn’t trying, and that If I was, I wasn’t trying hard enough. People constantly compared me to other kids, sometimes people who went to the same church or school, or even kids around the globe that appear on screen. My mother signed me up for many kinds of lessons when I was a kid including Ballet, Karate, Piano, Singing, but I pulled out of each one, and my mother would constantly berate me for pulling out and still does to this day. I don’t want to try talking to her about it because she often just says that I’m not strong enough and I need to toughen up, and Maybe that’s true and I’m just overreacting, but I’m not sure. I am an excessively shy person that goes out of their way to avoid talking to people, and as much as I want to talk to people I always get too afraid at the last minute. My mother hates how shy I am, and always tells me to change. I try, but I don’t feel like anybody understands how mentally challenging it is to force yourself to do something that stabs directly at what you’re insecure about. I’ve said many weird things and had many bad encounters with people that have become the product of my fears and overwhelmedness, including acting freaked out when someone says something normal, going sour when someone reminds me take care of myself, running away from home and school.
I think it’s easier for me to say these things here because I’m behind a screen and nobody here really can know who I am. I am a hesitant person that when acting, often acts on impulse and out of fear or anger. Thanks for reading this far.