In my 30 years working with couples, I’ve noticed that most people have an easy time describing what they don’t want in their relationship. If prompted, they’re able to rapidly fire off the many issues that they feel are creating distance between them and their partner. Yet, if I ask the same people what they do want in their relationship or from their partner, it seems to catch them off guard. The answer comes far less easily, as they pause to reflect on a question they haven’t necessarily asked themselves, at least in a long time.
As relationships progress, it’s easy for people to focus in on their problems or what’s going wrong. They start to catalogue all the negative patterns that have arisen or all the frustrating qualities their partner has. As a result, when they communicate with their partner, they often say what they don’t want instead of what they do. Somehow, it’s easier to complain or vocalize dissatisfaction than to directly state or ask for what they actually desire.
Many couples are comfortable making statements to each other like, “You never do this or that.” “Why are you always forgetting what I say to you?” “How can you be so insensitive?” “Do you ever stop thinking about yourself?” They’re not as comfortable slowing down and saying, “It makes me feel so much more relaxed when I have help with this or that” or “I really want to feel listened to and understood.”
Unfortunately, most people automatically take a defended self-protective stance in relation to the inevitable hurts they experience with their partner. They fail to recognize that when they experience strong emotional reactions to a perceived slight by their partner that they are often reacting based on early unresolved issues from their childhood. They have little awareness that this style of relating is moving them further from the outcome they want.
While many people tend to be more combative, there are those who take the opposite approach. Rather than say what they want, they shut down or turn inward. They may feel quietly resentful toward their partner or indulge in destructive thoughts toward themselves. They may have critical inner voices that tell them they are unworthy or convince them they will be humiliated, hurt or rejected if they go after what they want. In either of these reactions, the person is avoiding expressing, or sometimes even acknowledging, his or her basic wants and desires.
Saying what you want is actually a powerful tool to end a fight. It helps you avoid hurtful ways of relating to your partner that might put him or her on the defensive. It’s also a way of being vulnerable that allows your partner to really know and feel for you. When you speak about your wants honestly, directly and from an adult point of view, your partner is more likely to be open, responsive and personal in return.
Here are a few approaches that can help you be more effective in moving toward this style of relating:
Practice unilateral disarmament – This is a technique I often introduce to couples that is valuable to implement in heated moments when an argument is going nowhere. If the goal is to be close to your partner, there are times when it is best to simply drop your side of the dynamic. You can do this by first calming down within yourself, refusing to lash back, and instead saying something warm and honest like “I care more about feeling good with you than winning this argument.” Taking these steps often softens the other person, and he or she, too is more likely to drop his or her side of the dynamic. You can then communicate from a more direct, vulnerable stance that isn’t about blame or being right. You can start to cleanly express what you want and encourage your partner to do the same. I wrote more about this process known as “unilateral disarmament” in the blog “Five Steps to End Any Fight.”
Stay vulnerable – For so many people, it’s very hard to say what they want out loud or even admit it to themselves. When you do express your wants, it’s important to do it directly but from a vulnerable place. You should try not to speak in an entitled manner, as if you’re demanding something, using words like “I deserve.” When someone in a relationship acts like they are owed something, they tend to fall into traps where they find themselves nagging or complaining, both which only serve to alienate or irritate their partner.
By the same token, you shouldn’t feel the need to overly explain or apologize for what you’re saying. You shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed to simply state what you want. You should try to remain open and honest without getting sidetracked or back-stepping, because you start to feel afraid or uncomfortable. The wants you express do not have to be rational either. For instance, a common feeling is “I want to be loved and accepted all the time no matter what I do or what mistakes I make.” Expressing this directly may seem unreasonable, but actually stating this feeling in this vulnerable way will often stir up sadness and openness in both you and your partner. Most partners can relate to this feeling and most will feel moved by your openness.
Don’t use victimized language – Refusing to act victimized is an important principle to hold in general. When you talk about what you want with your partner, you should steer clear of speaking in ways that sound victimized or childish. In his blog, “Don’t Play the Victim Game,” Dr. Robert Firestone wrote “Maintaining a child victim role leads to chronic passivity.” It’s important not to be passive aggressive toward your loved ones. You shouldn’t punish them for not knowing instinctively what you want or for failing to read your mind.
No one can expect any one person to meet all their needs. Rather, you should strive to feel like a whole person in yourself. Of course, it’s natural to want to feel love and connection, but there’s an important difference between saying what you want as an adult and feeling like a dependent child whose survival depends on your partner giving you what you need. Instead, your words should be an authentic expression of what you want, not a demand for what you “need” or an expectation of what you’re “entitled” to.
Avoid “you” statements – One way that people diverge from saying what they want directly is by switching from “I” statements to “you” statements. Many people tend to be more comfortable saying “You don’t act excited to see me anymore” or “You’re always distracted.” While it is valid to give your partner feedback, when all, he or she hears is a nagging stream of complaints, it is more likely to drive your partner away then get him or her to move closer to us. On the other hand, the exercise of saying what you want is really about expressing something about who you are and what matters to you. That’s why it is better to start with “I.” “I want to feel wanted by you.” “I want your attention.” “I want to have fun with you.” “I want to feel listened to.” This process helps you to have more feeling and understanding toward yourself, while often inspiring the same reaction in your partner.
The reason so many people avoid acknowledging what they want is that there are often strong emotions attached to wanting. For many men and women I’ve done this exercise with, saying what they want seemed to awaken primal hurts, bringing up memories of what they longed for as children. For example, one woman started by saying that she wanted more affection from her husband. Much to her surprise, she was quickly filled with sadness, as she repeated statements like, “I want to be hugged. I want to be held.” She described afterward how the picture in her head had changed from her husband to her parents, who rarely offered her affection as a child and frequently ignored her cries for them to pick her up.
Dr. Pat Love once pointed out in an interview I did with her for PsychAlive, “when you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain,” the pain you felt at not having it in the past. Feeling connected to what you want in the present makes you feel vulnerable, like you can be hurt all over again. Because of this, many people don’t always want to recognize what they want much less express it to someone else, who can then potentially let them down.”
Although, every one of us all have built-in defenses surrounding our wants and desires, it’s so beneficial to let your guard down and take a chance in being direct in your adult relationships. There’s incredible value in learning to communicate what you want. You feel empowered when you live in a state of wanting. You are in sync with yourself, and you have more direction in your life. And if you do get hurt, you learn that, as an adult, you are strong and can handle much more disappointment than you imagined. Most importantly, when you express yourself in this way, you learn that you are worthy of what you want, and you are also much more likely to get it.