A Guide to Finding Yourself

Knowing yourself is the beginning of allThe greatest and most important adventure of our lives is discovering who we really are. Yet, so many of us walk around either not really knowing or listening to an awful inner critic that gives us all the wrong ideas about ourselves. We mistakenly think of self-understanding as self-indulgence, and we carry on without asking the most important question we’ll ever ask: Who am I really? As Mary Oliver put it, “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Finding yourself may sound like an inherently self-centered goal, but it is actually an unselfish process that is at the root of everything we do in life. In order to be the most valuable person to the world around us, the best partner, parent etc, we have to first know who we are, what we value and, in effect, what we have to offer. This personal journey is one every individual will benefit from taking. It is a process that involves breaking down – shedding layers that do not serve us in our lives and don’t reflect who we really are. Yet, it also involves a tremendous act of building up – recognizing who we want to be and passionately going about fulfilling our unique destiny – whatever that may be. It’s a matter of recognizing our personal power, yet being open and vulnerable to our experiences. It isn’t something to fear or avoid, berating ourselves along the way, but rather something to seek out with the curiosity and compassion we would have toward a fascinating new friend. With these principles in mind, the following guide highlights seven of the most universally useful steps to this very individual adventure.

1. Make sense of your past

In order to uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story. Being brave and willing to explore our past is an important stepping stone on the road to understanding ourselves and becoming who we want to be. Research has shown that it isn’t just the things that happened to us that define who we become, but how much we’ve made sense of what’s happened to us. Unresolved traumas from our history inform the ways we act today. Studies have even shown that life story coherence has a “statistically significant relationship to psychological well-being.” The more we form what Dr. Daniel Siegel talks about as a “coherent narrative” of our lives, the better able we are to make mindful, conscious decisions in our present that represent our true selves.

The attitudes and atmosphere we grew up in have a heavy hand on how we act as adults. As Dr. Robert Firestone, author of The Self Under Siege, wrote, “As children, people not only identify with the defenses of their parents but also tend to incorporate into themselves the critical or hostile attitudes that were directed toward them. These destructive personal attacks become part of the child’s developing personality, forming an alien system, the anti-self, distinguishable from the self-system, which interferes with and opposes the ongoing manifestation of the true personality of the individual.”

Painful early life experiences often determine how we define and defend ourselves. In short, they bend us out of shape, influencing our behavior in ways in which we are hardly aware. For example, having a harsh parent may have caused us to feel more guarded. We may grow up always feeling on the defense or resistant to trying new challenges for fear of being ridiculed. It’s easy to see how carrying this uncertainty with us into adulthood could shake our sense of identity and limit us in different areas. To break this pattern of behavior, it’s valuable to acknowledge what’s driving it. We should always be willing to look at the source of our most self-limiting or self-destructive tendencies.

When we try to cover up or hide from our past experiences, we can feel lost and like we don’t really know ourselves. We may take actions automatically without asking why. In his book Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation, Dr. Siegel wrote of an interaction with his son, in which he’d lost his temper. After reflecting on the incident a bit later, Dr. Siegel realized that his emotional outburst had more to do with feelings he’d had as a child toward his brother than with his perception of his son today. He wrote of the experience, “I realize once again how many layers of meaning our brain contain, and how quickly old, perhaps forgotten, memories can emerge to shape our behavior. These associations can make us act on automatic pilot.”

By reflecting on the past, using a technique called mindsight, “a kind of focused attention that allows us to see the internal workings of our own minds,” Dr. Siegel was able to make sense of his experience, then talk to his son about what happened and repair the situation. “With mindsight I was able to make use of the reflections that arose from that conflict to arrive at more clarifying insights into my own childhood experiences. This is how the most challenging moments of our lives can become opportunities to deepen our self-understanding and our connections with others.”

By engaging in this type of thinking and being willing to face the memories that arise, we gain invaluable insights into our behavior. We can then start to consciously separate from the more harmful influences from our history and actively alter our behavior to reflect how we really think and feel and how we choose to be in the world.

2. Differentiate

Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us. “To lead a free life, a person must separate him/herself from negative imprinting and remain open and vulnerable,” wrote Dr. Firestone. In his work with hundreds of individuals struggling with this exact process, he’s developed four essential steps of differentiation.

Step 1: Break with harmful internalized thought processes, i.e., critical, hostile attitudes toward self and others.

Step 2: Separate from negative personality traits assimilated from one’s parents.

Step 3: Relinquish patterns of defense formed as an adaptation to painful events in one’s childhood.

Step 4: Develop one’s own values, ideals, and beliefs rather than automatically accepting those one has grown up with.

Watch a whiteboard video on differentiation:


Read more about differentiation.

2. Seek meaning

finding yourselfViktor E. Frankl famously said, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” Frankl himself survived the most horrific of circumstances, living in a Nazi concentration camp. In many ways, his very survival depended on maintaining this sense of meaning. In order to find ourselves, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in. Studies show that the happiest people seek out meaning more than just pleasure, and that people are generally happier when they have goals that extend beyond themselves. Finding yourself and your happiness is, therefore, a venture inextricably linked to finding meaning.

3. Think about what you want

There’s a tendency in life to focus on the negative. Many of us fall too easily into victimized thoughts and complaints about our circumstances and surroundings rather than orienting ourselves toward positive goals, strategies and solutions. Put simply, we think a lot about what we don’t want instead of concentrating on what we do.

What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious lifeKnowing what we want is fundamental to finding ourselves. Recognizing our wants and desires helps us realize who we are and what’s important to us. This may sound simple, but most of us are, to varying degrees, defended against our feelings of wanting. We may feel guarded, because we don’t want to get hurt. Wanting makes us feel alive and, therefore, vulnerable in the world. To truly live means we can truly lose. The experience of joy and fulfillment can be met with feelings of anxiety, and on a deeper level, profound sadness.

Getting what we want can also make us feel uncomfortable, because it represents a break from our past. It can make us feel guilty or spark a sea of self-critical thoughts that tell us, “Who do you think you are anyway? You can’t be successful/ fall in love/ feel relaxed?” In order to honestly discover what we want in life, we must silence this inner critic and drop our defenses. As an exercise, when we are having a lot of negative thoughts, like “I don’t want this or that,” we can try to shift our thinking to what we really do desire. If we are fighting with our partner and thinking, “You never hear what I say. You don’t care about me,” we can instead think about or even communicate on a level that genuinely conveys our end goal. “I want to feel listened to, seen and loved.” Changing our outlook in this way makes us feel more in touch with who we are. It strips us down to our more basic desires without the unnecessary layers of defense that divert us from our core values and truest selves.

4. Recognize your personal power

When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives. No longer are we engaging in a spiral of negative thinking that tells us all the things that are wrong with the world around us or all the reasons we can’t have what we want. Instead, we are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves.

“Personal power is based on strength, confidence, and competence that individuals gradually acquire in the course of their development,” said Dr. Firestone. “It is self-assertion, and a natural, healthy striving for love, satisfaction and meaning in one’s interpersonal world.” Knowing our personal power means recognizing that we have a heavy effect on our lives. We create the world we live in. To create a better world means shifting our outlook, feeling empowered and rejecting a victimized point of view.

Dr. Robert Firestone has further illustrated “6 Aspects of Being an Adult:”

  1. Experience your emotions, but make rational decisions when it comes to how you act.
  2. Formulate goals and take the appropriate actions to achieve them.
  3. Be proactive and self-assertive, rather than passive and dependent.
  4. Seek equality in your relationships.
  5. Be open to exploring new ideas and welcome constructive criticism.
  6. Take full power over every part of your conscious existence.

5. Silence Your Inner Critic

To be an adult, we must also break the ways we self-parent, either by criticizing or soothing ourselves. Dr. Firestone advises that we stop listening to our “critical inner voice.” This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled. By recognizing and standing up to this internal enemy, we learn not to be parental or childish in our lives but to find our real selves and know our strength and ability. As mindfulness expert Dr. Donna Rockwell points out, to generate a “state of upliftedness that makes everything else possible—that creates the “go for it!” spirit we crave—is to subdue the doubting mind by disarming negative thoughts.”

Read more about the critical inner voice.

6. Practice Compassion and Generosity

Mahatma Gandhi once said “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” In addition to improving our mental and physical health and lengthening our lifespan, generosity can enhance one’s sense of purpose, giving our lives more value and meaning to us. Studies even show that people get more joy from giving than from getting. If we want to find our way in life, it’s beneficial to practice generosity as a mental health principle and take on a compassionate and attitude toward ourselves and others. People are generally happier when they create goals that go beyond themselves. These individuals show care and concern for others and practice generosity. As you go about your life, try to maintain what Dr. Daniel Siegel refers to as a COAL attitude, in which you are curious, open, accepting and loving toward yourself and your personal journey.

7. Know the value of friendship

We do not choose the family we are born into, but often, we assume that this family defines who we are. While as children, we have little say in where we spend our time, throughout our lives we can choose who and what we want to emulate. As adults, we can create a family of choice. We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. This family may, of course, include people we are related to, but it’s a family we’ve really chosen, a core group of people who we consider true allies and friends. Creating this family is a key component in finding ourselves, because who we choose to surround ourselves with has a profound effect on how we relate in the world. Having a support system that believes in us helps us in realizing our goals and developing on a personal level.

Finding Yourself Guide

About the Author

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The part of the puzzle that was missing all along. Very well put together and very clear for the reader to truly understand. Finding this article was at a perfect time in my life. Finding myself is what I am seeking and it is seeking myself. This information helps you become a co creator of your life!

Cristian Michael darracott

What happens if you realize the world is in you…basically we all live in a person..like we are a construct of someone’s life..like we are all actors in this persons quest to find a way out of his nightmare….creating the sky and clouds through projections of his thoughts actions and everything he sees or hears….are we all creating our own world’s and colliding into each other…what is godfrey…my name is Cristian darracott I am 43 years old…what are the wheels in the sky…why do they slow down…will a sun crash the moon….are they gonna drop the bomb on us….will the feathers protect us anymore….I have strange markings on my body…my vains look more like pipes …as strange as that sounds….I see snake like rivers of fire in the sky…Red rain and purple skies….I feel this feeling of dread and excitement…..what is this scar on my chest I see in movies and pop culture…..can anyone give me an answer…thanks

John Doe

we are all individuals..as Homer Simpson would say..doohhh 🙂

i believe.. after many years of trials and tribulations..that..in order to get a full understanding..one has to discover what has happened in the past..or..in simple terms..read up on History..

why do i consider this so important..simple..by reading up on History you get the facts..and then you can make your own decisions..

for instance..the Roman Empire under Constance The Great (who had his mother killed btw)..brought the “Christians” into the Roman Empire as their armies were diminishing and they need people who would give up their lives in battle..for “The Empire’..

if you are prepared to spend some time reading up on History..then your eyes can be opened to the realities of what has transpired..which..you can then use this information to apply to the everyday non sensical things that you see going on all around you..

i agree with what the author of this thread has written..as it makes perfect sense..but..i also believe that you not only have to reflect on your own past..but on the past of mankind as a whole..as you HAVE to deal with other people who have..for the want of a better word..being “brainwashed” by centuries of schemers and power hungry individuals..no need to extrapolate..

The Matrix..Morpheus..2000 or whenever

“there is a big difference between knowing the path..and walking it”

Montaigne 1584.. Of The Education of Children..

“we will do nothing but create so many “asses” laiden with books”


I’ve been seesawing between the so called true self and new self. True, Ive been living the life of a person/people I adored alot, which eventually paved the way to my new self. Sad part is, I like my true self as opposed to my new self more. The new self is more self sacrificial, sensitive, caring and “weak”, whereas the old self was more assertive, bold and brave. The new self leaned more towards the betterment of mankind and the true self was more self orientated. Now of course there are positives and negatives to the two, however, living in this day and age, chances of survival are better with the old self. Too much has been lost with the new self, the old (real) self is what I strive for from now on.

Pearl South Africa

I’m turning 29 next year and I’ve been thinking about searching for my new self. However, after reading your comment I don’t know if I’m heading towards the right direction, because I don’t want to be ‘weak’.

Is 29 years too soon for self-discovery? I have a background in Science.

Rose George

I made the mistake of finding and living my new self. Tbh I miss my old /true self. If you are curious go ahead on the journey. You never know which one will you end up liking 🙂 .
A cheat sheet.. before you start keep memories of who you are . So that if you ever want to return you will have an advantage .
29 is ok.. started my transformation slowly at 28..major turn at 30. And now at 31 I want to go back home 🙂 to original me.
One take away is , once I get back fully. I am going to love myself to the core..coz she is the one I missed all this while !
It’s a journey. Embrace it. And find your home 🙂


Hi Pete … its 2019 now but this article actually relates to me…. I mean I know exactly what you situation feels like. As I was growing up , I had experienced alot of emotional pain mostly from my family members. I used to have a nature of curiosity and love for books and discovering and adventure. Im 17 now and I dont have any interest in books any more and I no longer feel the need to discover and find out new things …I feel like the new me is a broken piece … Like separated and distant. So just like you I really want to REdiscover myself again. Anyways best of luck to you and If you have discovered yourself … CONGRATS !


Pete , can I ask where you live ? In what country? Being in the service of others does not mean your weak . Weakness is the inability to complete and be who you want . If giving and kindness really do make you happy then do it and be happy .


An article that has a lot of advices written down in simpler tin terms, discovering myself at this stage in my life is so critical, though mistakes have been made, but it’s always beneficial not to give up because life has so much beautiful things to offer. In


Thank you for breaking this down. It’s hard going through the process of shedding and renewing. But it’s most valuable to ourselves and the world. The inner critic must be silenced. This blessed me. Thank you.


I am truely greatful for this article as a twenty year old. I’ve been having one of those weeks in which you can’t fall asleep in bed even though you are tired. My brain has been firing off thoughts like crazy each conflicting with one another. My current self is lacking in self confidence however masks it behind ego and bravado. I know my true self but the journey from where I am to where I want to be is daunting. I realize that it is not an easy task but I don’t know where I can find support through this journey.


I am truely greatful for this article as a twenty year old. I’ve been having one of those weeks in which you can’t fall asleep in bed even though you are tired. My brain has been firing off thoughts like crazy each conflicting with one another. My current self is lacking in self confidence however masks it behind ego and bravado. I know my true self but the journey from where I am to where I want to be seem .


Andrew, I can relate to what you are going through as I was at that part in my life a few years ago.

As the article explains, it’s a process so don’t feel overwhelmed. I remember feeling anxious, hopeless and lost when I would think about what I wanted to do in life and who I truly wanted to be. It helped when I reminded myself that life is journey, not a race. It’s important to have goals and work hard but progress is progress and even if you can only give 5% some days that’s still a step in the right direction.

I hope you have been able to feel better about your future and what you want to do.


I am a very negative person although people say I am strong. I have no idea how to find myself due to anxiety and stress. I read your article but I don’t know where to start.


i am 21, going through life as an expected adult should. i have a good job, good family, and pretty decent friends, but what i didn’t have was a sense of who i am. First i thought there was no purpose i thought id work in a factory and retire at 50 then i realized that is a life that would be regretting. Then i started to question what is it you want what is you want to make of this life for on the day you die you will be proud you lived. those thoughts a few months ago led me to a path where i questioned everything in my life to losses to wins. i woke up this morning after a dream a very crazy dream and questioned my purpose in life which led me here. After reading this article i have stumbled upon my path in the woods that would lead me out the bushes. i had thought i was the only one who had thought like this and reading the comments forced me to voice myself. i want to say i am going to teach what i read to most i encounter from now on and help people understand that to know yourself is to know peace and prosperity. i am young but i am not dull. and i thank you


Many years ago I was married to an abusive husband, he hurt me not only physically, but emotionally, spiritually, economically, and mentally. Before that, when I was very little, I stopped playing with my dolls and started helping my parents who both had to work. I did it for such a long time and never could understand why my siblings never helped out, but I did it for 14 years. Fast forward, I dreamed of going to college and when I asked my parents if I could go- even with 100% on exams, they said I couldn’t, it was devastating. I asked why – I did all that for them- all those years and my mom said “But you chose to…” I knew my parents needed the help, so that was not a likely choice for a seven year old. I was always beyond my years in how I thought, but that comment set me back. That derailed my path, I gave up and walked across that stage and left my dream upon that stage. Years later, I decided this was MY life and that if I wanted school I would be the person to do it. It also helped that my husband and children supported me as they still do. I am now working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology, I am also a Children’s author. When I decided the direction I wanted to go in, I chose all of the ones o look at and did what I felt good doing. Wanting to be a medical doctor and needing an education for that, I couldn’t do that but I was in nursing for 17 + years, and eventually transitioned to mental health, where I am going for a post doctorate so I am going to be a Clinical Neuropsychologist. Never give up– Finding yourself may sound like an inherently self-centered goal, but it is actually an unselfish process that is at the root of everything we do in life.

Marietjie van Wyk

I am 45, and for the first time in my life I am truly confronted with not knowing who I really am. My kids are grown up and I feel I only have a string of failures behind me, including 3failed marriages, currently in the third one. Although my life feels like a mess, I hope to find myself in this mess, and finally become ME


This article was truly amazing, to me as a person, because, I am on journey of find who I am as a person, and it really spoke to me in ways i needed to find myself .And it taught me how to own my past and be the better person from it .

Akshay Soni

Nicely executed blog. Some really good thoughts we can and must apply in over lives. As a growing blogger, its useful to see such works.


Hi I’m Leny 33 years old and feeling lost.thank you for this article it’s help me to get back myself. Hopefully for the success


Just look what is in front of you don’t ever look back.
Believe in yourself and others will believe in your.
When you are the real you, you will find yourself.

Jean Wallet

I would like to say thank you to the writer of the article about finding true self. This topic is added to enrich my mind. I am contented with what I receive from this source of information.?
Thank you.


Wow!! This is so profound, i literally feel like i just found myself, lol.
Do you perhaps have a blog where one can read your quotes everyday?

Broken Sole

I have spent many years trying to find where my place was because what I wanted & what I got are complete opposites… An as my negative, horrible life continued I kept losing everything & found every excuse as to why it happened… I lived in denial, guilt & shame… I allowed so many things & regretted even more… I thought something was wrong with me & I deserved nothing… I couldn’t even ansa simple questions like what was my strengths… I failed at relationships & motherhood over & over.. All I did know was that I hated myself… The real problem to why I fail was because I didnt even know me so how could I give anything to anyone else… I wasn’t secure with self nor did I know what I truly wanted so I destroyed everything an anyone I cared about first before they did it to me… All I caused myself was extreme pain that crippled me… I allowed it cause I felt that was all I deserved & was worth… I have acted impulsively when I should of thought about it…. To love, strive achieve or even be loyal, faithful, honest & a friend partner sibling or a mother I need to know the ins & outside of myself… Once I know that than I can give them all of me…. That is my goal Know myself first & foremost… it’s never to late no matter what happens or where you end up… Start with you an anything is possible after that. Never give never settle for what’s not right & never be willing to give up anything or anyone who you love….

Carla S

I am 36 with 4 kids I feel lost depressed anxious lonely don’t know what to do had a tough childhood me and my sister got a raised ourselves we was pulled everywhere ended up with her grandparents live on the cousin that touched us everyday at night I don’t know what to do with my life I was with the same man from the time I was 12 to 26 it was toxic he cheated I fought for him to love me I left him trying to find happiness and I’m still depressed don’t have any energy to do anything ended up getting addicted to drugs in and out of rehabs selling drugs all I’m trying to be a mom and trying to breathe a heart’s racing 100 miles of minute please someone help tell me what to do to fix myself how can I be normal now I got homecoming and stuff in school got along with everyone didn’t ever want to cause problems until middle school and I started getting into troubleI always wanted my I always cared about what my dad thought of me I wanted him to be proud of me didn’t want him to be disappointed my mama chose men over us really good at making first impressions good impressions I never can follow through can never keep the job can get it but I can’t keep it don’t want my kids to go through this when they get older how do I break this cycle


Hi just 15 and i had lost myself in wanting luxury like celebrities formed weird marriage to celebrities i become a liar because i had formed a fake life in my head and i lost my self and purpose i started asking for more than my parents could give i used my childhood problems to blindfold them its all lies i have now realised i need to be me again thank you

Adesiyan Remilekun

I am 28 years old I really want to know my real self. The very first time I heard this question was of WHO ARE YOU? its very funny and I felt it’s sound as a simples question but tough to answer although am still asking myself who am I. I really want to know who I am. Because I found out that knowing myself will give me inner peace and I will work towards improving my personal self. Reading this article also help me to really know who I am. Am still asking myself and I believe very soon I will discover myself. Thanks to this writer more wisdom


I need help on how to really find myself. I’m really negative with bad anxiety and it gives me a lot of stress because of the way I am, I really want to change so that my relationship could be better but I have no clue on where to start first.

Bhaumik patel

Heyy dear don’t worryy ! It will be all ok again .
I’m also so confussed depressed and helpfull soul and thts why I’m reading this article so I think we have to share our problems with eachother! I’m droping my numer heree please whtsapp me it will be helpful talkk I’m seriously thinking about the youth about this planet plss I’ll tell you an intesting real life story of mines..I’m bhaumik and its means lord of earth… Thank youu and plss contact mee


Thanx it helped a lot though as it confirmed what im going through now I was on this journey since last year. I discovered my true self this year and I’m happy and at peace ever since and am willing to spread this teaching as it is important in oneself
I’m helping and teaching friends as I see it as my perpose and I’m getting great feedback


Thanx it helped a lot though as it confirmed what im going through now I was on this journey since last year. I discovered my true self this year and I’m happy and at peace ever since and am willing to spread this teaching as it is important in oneself
I’m helping and teaching friends as I see it as my perpose and I’m getting great feedback


I have read the article but I’m still confused on how to start the process of transformation. Please what should be my first step?

Alexis Wilkins

Id recommend to first identify your strengths and weaknesses. Then determine what “lights you up”. Hopefully you’ll find correlation/common denominator somewhere between your strengths and passions.

Remember, there is no right answer. Even once self is found, there is always room for self improvement. <3


First my apology for my poor English,
I think I have never been so weak, meaningless and backward in my life, it has been about 6 years since I got married and in these six years, even though we have had many good days, I feel that I am very I have distanced myself from the real self. I can not help myself more than this and I feel very weak, I am tired, I am tired of all the many unanswered questions in my brain.
I don’t even think about my interests anymore or I think with fear, but I do not dare to experience them. This is very painful.
I can not protect and take care of myself against the lies I have made with the participation of my wife, I feel I am reaching the dangerous point of emptiness.


Thank you for putting this out there. I agree with your opinion and I hope more people would come to agree with this as well.
Your purpose in life needs to be found if you want to achieve peace of mind like any other person in this world. Check my blog
Hope this will help. Thank you.



hey I am 17 and I have very bad anxiety and I overthink everything in life . And I don’t know what to do next . It feels like no matter whatever I do I am either going to disappoint everyone else who have expectations on me or I am going to disappoint myself .


Am trying to find myself beacause i feel lost and i feel like i do not deserve happiness…
Most times am thinking about pleasing others and fearing what they will say about me and my actions. This article is really good cause its giving me an eye opener to so many things i should do and how i should go about loving myself

Bhaskar Rana

Awesome post. Really insightful information provided by Psychalive. The significance of discovering oneself is beyond the understanding of conventional society. One has to forge a path to understand himself better. This article helped me organize my thoughts on individuality and inspired me to follow these steps in my life. Thank you Psychalive team for sharing this helpful content.

Phoebe Owens

I thought that life was at an end until life gave me a reason to live for though i didn’t really knew it. This artice is a life to a million people out there. Les brown said “life has no limitation expect the ones u make” i don’t know wheather Leo used make limitations on his life but i Phoebe i used to make limitationr on my life because i didn’t know myself. After reading this article, there is no l limitations on my life thank you


you are once step closer to find yours just be patient don’t give up and always pray..
God’s is always listening to he loves you


This article certainly resonates with me. Thank you for this. I liked my old self as a teen (I was more bold, I got out more, I hadn’t yet experienced depression, etc so I was happy and it was easier for me to make friends, etc), even as someone who had health illnesses and been through a lot. Then life happened as it does with everyone and while there were points I felt I knew who I was, now after more health diagnosis, anxiety/depression, and things in life that have happened and in my early-ish 30s, I find myself searching again. This article gave me an idea as to how to continue my search, thank you.


Thank you. you have truly succeeded in helping people who want to become themselves. you have given clarity in life again thank you for your time and effort.


Hi, I am married for 36 years still going, my husband is a compulsive gambler, I’ve been in hell for the past 36 years and we have 3 grown up kids ages from 31 to 25, i love my kids so dearly that is why , I have been trying so hard to keep my family together but it comes to the point the I can no longer hold on, I want to give up and be myself, I told my husband that I want to divorce and I also discussed with my kids, I want a new life, I want to be myself, I want to find a man that will love me unconditionally, man that will be there for me for better or worst, man that will be my lifetime partner, i want simple , peaceful, happy life without anymore drama. I want to find the real me.
I want to find the true happiness, but I’m not sure if I can still find myself, I’m 60 years old.

Chantz Abrams

Thank you! This is well written, but some of it is not so easy to do.
For instance #3 Think about what you want…

I want to drive (or walk) the hell away from this whole part of my LIFE.

I was betrayed by what I thought was my best friend. It cost me my job and most everything I had. I had my LIFE planned out. I was nearly debt free. I was accused of things I could prove 100 times over that I didn’t do, but was fired without anyone caring to listen to anything.

I’m small town but now commuting to a nasty, loud city 3 hours a day. I just cant find what I lost and there isn’t enough LIFE left to rebuild what I had.

I want to hate some people. It was all about a huge change in operations where a few key people needed me out of the way. They are destroying that business AS THIS is being written, but they have me to blame for that also I guess.

This has bought issues into what was a marriage. I’m just the loser who cant snap out of it. Once people publicly (and falsely) assassinate your character… It’s sort of pointless to pretend it didn’t happen. People should be in jail for some of the things done to cover their tracks (actual criminal activity not concerning me).

Oddly, they are not very intelligent and I have thought about pursuing legal action but chose to drop it for two reasons.
“You will have to be twice as ruthless as they were and no being kind can be allowed.” Thats never been me, its not what will fix me.
I am a spiritual kind of guy. I know not to seek revenge. Forgive is my only option and I do that every damn day.

Now it’s just a pit of nothingness.
I want so bad for it to not be like this.
I keep trying to find a way to move on as I keep finding people who just use me. Its like I have a sign on my forehead saying its okay.

I was planning on selling (what’s left) of my LIFE, buying a RV. Put my Jeep in tow, loading my necessities, and my dog… And never look back.

That’s the only “closure” I will be allowed and I can deal with it. I was abandoned as a kid, its not my first rodeo. I know what it is to not be wanted past most peoples grasp.

I still want to drive off, but stupid Covid hit and then hit again x2 (I have still have never had it, thankfully).

Now we are in never ending manufactured crisis’s stupidity and rumors of really hard times coming. I have 8 payments left on my house that I nearly lost in this ordeal???

I fight daily on what to do. I only know I no longer want to be here (and know I’m not wanted here). I’m a bad reminder of the sick things they did, and are still doing.

“Here” is about all I have ever known. I have nothing promising here, and no hope of that changing. I wish it could, but this was to the bone betrayal and we have, (or had) the same “friends.” So… It’s no mans land for me. I’m the loser of some sick game.

I’m not the Charismatic one. I’m the logical one who angers people with my blunt honesty, but always finds the way out… Until it comes down to me.

Obviously, in the department of persuasion I suck and I know that. It always cost me, and there is nothing that fixes that.

I only know to move on but “my gut” has that on hold for now… Not because I am afraid, but because of escalating prices of everything and I don’t even know exactly where I am going, or what I will do. I’m partially disabled from MS and still always try to work full-time. At some point that’s another challenge to face.

Maybe the head fog and fear mongering will lift soon and I will find a new LIFE on wheels? Its all that makes sense to me if external things will settle down.

Sorry this was long… I just needed it out
Maybe no one will read it, thats cool with me also.

Be safe
\o/ Aho.


You are giving others power over you and making yourself the victim. Maybe you were wronged and probably were but how does that serve you now? Let go


The value of friendship is a bit controversial to me. My best “friend”of 30 years suddenly stopped talking to me and won’t say why.

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