How to Deal with Relationship Anxiety
Our relationships can be our deepest source of joy, but they can also be a breeding ground for anxious thoughts and feelings. Relationship anxiety can arise at pretty much any point in our romantic lives. For many single people, just the thought of being in a relationship can stir up stress. If and when they do start dating, the early stages can present them with endless worries:
“Does he/she really like me?”
“Will this work out?”
“How serious is this?”
Unfortunately, these worries don’t necessarily subside when things become more serious. In fact, as couples get closer, anxiety can become even more intense. Thoughts come flooding in like:
“Can this last?”
“Do I really like him/her?”
“Should we slow down?”
“Am I really ready for this kind of commitment?”
“Is he/she losing interest?”
All this worrying about our relationships can make us feel pretty alone. It can lead us to create distance between ourselves and our partner. At its worst, our anxiety can even push us to give up on love altogether. Learning more about the causes and effects of relationship anxiety can help us to identify the negative thinking and actions that sabotage our love lives. How can we keep our anxiety in check and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to someone we love?
What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
Put simply, falling in love challenges us in numerous ways we don’t expect. The more we value someone else, the more we stand to lose. On many levels, both conscious and unconscious, we become scared of being hurt. To a certain degree, we all possess a fear of intimacy. Ironically, this fear often arises when we are getting exactly what we want, when we’re experiencing love as we never have or being treated in ways that are unfamiliar.
As we get into a relationship, it isn’t just the things that go on between us and our partner that make us anxious.; it’s the things we tell ourselves about what’s going on. The “critical inner voice” is a term used to describe the mean coach we all have in our heads that criticizes us, feeds us bad advice and fuels our fear of intimacy. It’s the one that tells us:
“You’re too ugly/fat/boring to keep his/her interest.”
“You’ll never meet anyone, so why even try?”
“You can’t trust him. He’s looking for someone better.”
“She doesn’t really love you. Get out before you get hurt.”
This critical inner voice makes us turn against ourselves and the people close to us. It can promote hostile, paranoid, and suspicious thinking that lowers our self-esteem and drives unhealthy levels of distrust, defensiveness, jealousy, and anxiety. Basically, it feeds us a consistent stream of thoughts that undermine our happiness and make us worry about our relationship, rather than just enjoying it.
When we get in our heads, focusing on these worried thoughts, we become incredibly distracted from real relating with our partner. We may start to act out in destructive ways, making nasty comments or becoming childish or parental toward our significant other. For example, imagine your partner stays at work late one night. Sitting home alone, your inner critic starts telling you, “Where is she? Can you really believe her? She probably prefers being away from you. She’s trying to avoid you. She doesn’t even love you anymore.”
These thoughts can snowball in your mind until, by the time your partner gets home, you’re feeling insecure, furious or paranoid. You may act angry or cold, which then sets your partner off to feel frustrated and defensive. Pretty soon, you’ve completely shifted the dynamic between you. Instead of enjoying the time you have together, you may waste an entire night feeling withdrawn and upset with each other. You’ve now effectively forced the distance you initially feared. The culprit behind this self-fulfilling prophecy isn’t the situation itself. It’s that critical inner voice that colored your thinking, distorted your perceptions, and ultimately, led you down a destructive path.
When it comes to all of the things we worry ourselves about in relationships, we are much more resilient than we think. In truth, we can handle the hurts and rejections that we so fear. We can experience pain, and eventually, heal. However, our critical inner voice tends to terrorize and catastrophize reality. It can rouse serious spells of anxiety about dynamics that don’t exist and threats that aren’t even tangible. Even when there are real things going on, someone breaks up with us or feels an interest in someone else, our critical inner voice will tear us apart in ways we don’t deserve. It will completely distort reality and undermine our own strength and resilience. It’s that cynical roommate that always gives bad advice. “You can’t survive this. Just put your guard up and never be vulnerable to anyone else.”
The defenses we form and critical voices we hear are based on our own unique experiences and adaptations. When we feel anxious or insecure, some of us have a tendency to become clingy and desperate in our actions. We may feel possessive or controlling toward our partner in response. Conversely, some of us will feel easily intruded on in our relationships. We may retreat from our partners, detach from our feelings of desire. We may act out by being aloof, distant or guarded. These patterns of relating can come from our early attachment styles. Our attachment pattern is established in our childhood attachments and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood. It influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. Different attachment styles can lead us to experience different levels of relationship anxiety. You can learn more about what your attachment style is and how it impacts your romantic relationships here.
In this Webinar: While the notion of falling in love can sound blissful, interpersonal relationships almost always challenge us in ways we don’t…
What Thoughts Perpetuate Relationship Anxiety?
The specific critical inner voices we have about ourselves, our partner and relationships are formed out of early attitudes we were exposed to in our family or in society at large. Sexual stereotypes as well as attitudes that our influential caretakers had toward themselves and others can infiltrate our point of view and shade our current perceptions. While, everyone’s inner critic is different, some common critical inner voices include:
Critical Inner Voices about the Relationship
- People just wind up getting hurt.
- Relationships never work out.
Voices about Your Partner
- Men are so insensitive, unreliable, selfish.
- Women are so fragile, needy, indirect.
- He only cares about being with his friends.
- Why get so excited? What’s so great about her anyway?
- He’s probably cheating on you.
- You can’t trust her.
- He just can’t get anything right.
Voices about Yourself
- You’re never going to find another person who understands you.
- Don’t get too hooked on her.
- He doesn’t really care about you.
- She is too good for you.
- You’ve got to keep him interested.
- You’re better off on your own.
- As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
- You’ve got to be in control.
- It’s your fault if he gets upset.
- Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt.
How Does Relationship Anxiety Affect Us?
As we shed light into our past, we quickly realize there are many early influences that have shaped our attachment pattern, our psychological defenses and our critical inner voice. All of these factors contribute to our relationship anxiety and can lead us to sabotage our love lives in many ways. Listening to our inner critic and giving in to this anxiety can result in the following actions:
- Cling – When we feel anxious, our tendency may be to act desperate toward our partner. We may stop feeling like the independent, strong people we were when we entered the relationship. As a result, we may find ourselves falling apart easily, acting jealous or insecure or no longer engaging in independent activities.
- Control – When we feel threatened, we may attempt to dominate or control our partner. We may set rules about what they can and can’t do just to alleviate our own feelings of insecurity or anxiousness. This behavior can alienate our partner and breed resentment.
- Reject – If we feel worried about our relationship, one defense we may turn to is aloofness. We may become cold or rejecting to protect ourselves or to beat our partner to the punch. These actions can be subtle or overt, yet it is almost always a sure way to force distance or to stir up insecurity in our partner.
- Withhold – Sometimes, as opposed to explicit rejection, we tend to withhold from our partner when we feel anxious or afraid. Perhaps things have gotten close, and we feel stirred up, so we retreat. We hold back little affections or give up on some aspect of our relationship altogether. Withholding may seem like a passive act, but it is one of the quietest killers of passion and attraction in a relationship.
- Punish – Sometimes, our response to our anxiety is more aggressive, and we actually punish, taking our feelings out on our partner. We may yell and scream or give our partner the cold shoulder. It’s important to pay attention to how much our actions are a response to our partner and how much are they a response to our critical inner voice.
- Retreat – When we feel scared in a relationship, we may give up real acts of love and intimacy and retreat into a “fantasy bond.” A fantasy bond is an illusion of connection that replaces real acts of love. In this state of fantasy, we focus on form over substance. We may stay in the relationship to feel secure but give up on the vital parts of relating. In a fantasy bond, we often engage in many of the destructive behaviors mentioned above as a means to create distance and defend ourselves against the anxiety that naturally comes with feeling free and in love. Learn more about the fantasy bond here.
How Can I Overcome Relationship Anxiety?
In order to overcome, relationship anxiety, we must shift our focus inward. We have to look at what’s going on inside us, separate from our partner or the relationship. What critical inner voices are exacerbating our fears? What defenses do we possess that could be creating distance? This process of self-discovery can be a vital step in understanding the feelings that drive our behavior, and ultimately, shape our relationship. By looking into our past, we can gain better insight into where these feelings come from. What caused us to feel insecure or turned on ourselves in relation to love? You can start this journey for yourself by learning more about the fear of intimacy and how to identify and overcome your critical inner voice.
Learn more strategies for overcoming relationship anxiety in our Webinar with Dr. Lisa Firestone: Understanding and Overcoming Relationship Anxiety.Tags: anxiety, anxiety and intimacy, anxiety and relationships, critical inner voice, fear of intimacy, how to fix a relationship, intimacy problems, relationship advice, relationship issues, relationship problems
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Hi I have been feeling very anxious in my marriage for so tine now and are just about to end a 35 year marriage we were in 4th week of councilsing I am on medication for anxiety an I feel the need to run can anyone help s llewellyn
welcome to the club, I’m in a 9 year (marriage and relationship) and I have the same feelings as you Susan. Worst thing is that #9 retreat happened in my marriage where I fantasized about leaving my spouse for someone else, never reacted to tried to do something about it, but it caused a massive crack in my marriage for me.
I do not want to feel this way about a many I loved just 6 months ago. I spoke to him openly about it and am going to therapy. I want my marriage to work, but my anxiety is killing me and my worrying about how I can develop a crush for someone else when I knew I loved my husband….
I do not know what to do… I cry everyday..
*never reacted to it and tried to do something about it,
Hope I know what your going through Iv been there my biggest advise is work on your marriage and distance your self from the other guy if your still hanging around the other guy your marriage won’t work the more your around him the less he’ll trust and if his on your social media I would delete him all its going to do is drive him away or mess with his head til he leaves. I hope it gets better for you.
I’ve distanced myself from this person. But it is a close friend of my spouse. I never told him it was him. Luckily I don’t see this person more than maybe once a year, if I’m lucky once in two. I feel his friend is flirting with me but then again he is like that flirtatious. In short, I know my anxiety had been present from day one. I’ve a always had a very negative self critical voice. I’m doing therapy but I’m not to happy with it. Might change my therapist. I’m trying to deal with my emotions. I love my husband, this s split in my emotions is driving me bat shit.
Any other advice?
Feelings are just feelings, and thoughts are just thoughts. Don’t take this feeling very seriously. By actions you will change your feelings. The more you try not to have these feelings the more you will have. I would recommend to focus on yourself and your own things. Find a hobby and go for it. Don’t fight anxiety, just let it be and your life should go on!
Don’t give up on the relationship over Something stupid
Can anyine help!? Ive been with my gf for 12 years and i feel lile i love her and care way more than she does. She tends not to show me much affection and often have to literally ask for a hug or kiss. I feel like i cant trust her that she is looking at other options…😢 this really hurts me cause she claims she loves me and is in love with me but in my mind it feels like just words to her. When we have sex sometimes she acts like she did me a favor or is it in my head. How can i get this shit under conrol before i lose her cause OBVIOUSLY im some kind of freak . Any help would be GREATLY APPRECIATED
The best thing to do is to talk to her. Tell her about your worries because when you overthink it’ll really destroy you. Twelve years.. it’s a long time. If she had to leave she wouldn’t have waited this long. Share what you feel about her, it’s the best solution. Everything will be fine ❤️
I feel the exact same way! He comes home with makeup on his face and tries to say it must be mine he takes off and doesn’t come home for 3 days and won’t answer my calls or msgs. And then he comes home and flips it on me. I’m so scared of loosing him. People ask why be with someone like that?? Answer is I don’t know I love him but it’s not enough anymore .
It’s better to walk away right now if u have a quite wholesome.idea that he isn’t truly with u, continuing with him may lead u to severe anxiety further. Ease for today is loss for tommorow, mark my words. And make a wise decision about this
He sounds emotionally abusive and you need to leave now. I used to work with abused women. You can google the characteristics of an abuser. If you are honest with yourself, I’m sure you will find he does many of them.
Oftentimes, abusive people start first with emotional abuse and later become physically abusive once they’ve broken you down.
This is what im going through right now we are on our 6th year now,. This started on our 5th year to now and i feel bad for myself though im aware also the other part of me just cant /wont let go . Now im suffering i dont know. Im tired emotionally. I love him but im suffering.
Hey brother its okk these are some of bad things doing in head or in simple ur overthinking about ur gf share these things with ur gf tell her ur afraid of getting apart from her disclose every thought which ur going through being open to ur gf is better way to deal than overthink…
Hey brother. Your not a freak. I’m a man of 67. I’ve been where your at. Listen. Do me a favor and read a lot these posts. Your doing what I used to do. Looking outward when you should be looking inward. I can’t speak what your lady speaks or feels But o do know it’s a pretty narrow line between being insecure based on the things in this article and following your gut. Oftentimes your gut is right. I’ve leaned this. What person days and feels should be reflected in there actions. Again not based on a single thing but over a reasonable amount of time. I it doesn’t and your mature enough to know if she loves you or spinning her wheels with you. Just read read read and learn the difference of that un godly feeling of maybe ending it or not. Based on what you wrote it’s possible your with a person that may be with you for all the wrong reasons. But problem in truth isn’t her. It’s your need to feel secure. Nobody gets that more then me. Trust me. Keep reading this sort of stuff it will empower you when all that fear and anxiety. Kicks in. Remember your exactly as important as she is. Good luck my friend. Michael
I just met him in March and we started a long distance relationship during pandemic. Due to travel restrictions and from different location we can’t meet up yet. We spent hours on phone each day and we grew to love each other deeply. Problem is my anxiety kicks in on and off stirring up arguement. I know all these will push him away eventually but I just can’t control myself. Always seeking constant attention… if he doesn’t call or text I will suspect and think he doesn’t care. If he goes out late I will suspect he is seeing another woman. I know all these will break the trust in relationship and if this continues.. eventually I will lose him. How can I help myself and how to mend this relationship? I can’t lose him.
Woah. You are in the exact same situation as me. He is in the states and I am in the UK. We also met in March and fell in love over FaceTime. Ha. Crazy.
This sounds just like me too!! My guy got a new job so hes been super busy but he’s got new buddies he hangs with after work every night. We used to facetime every night but now hes too tired. So i’ve been having anxiety all week and letting him know how I feel. He doesn’t seem to understand though. We do txt through out the day some at least.
Really? That’s me as well. :'(
She’s the first person to say she loved me that wasn’t just a relative feeling sorry for me. Only it’s the opposite; she’s in the UK, and I’m in America.
She’s a couple years older than me, and she works late on mondays and tuesdays. Though we’ve been talking everyday since this year began, I still cant help but fear she might not want this to work, if my age is a turn off. Im 29, but I don’t know if I’ll get my heart broken again.
Our issues are alike i am from Nigeria and anxiety and insecurity is what drove me here, i have searching and searching, i like this girl and she does like me too, we have been texting and i told her she should be my gf she said yes and i also told her we should hangout and she agreed but the problem in my part is she’s way taller but i like her that way and she does too but i am just so insecure and scared and i haven’t really been on a date
I don’t know what to say or how to behave when i meet her ..i am just so extremely conscious and insecure
I really like her
I see this is a running theme out here lol. I also met what seems to be the love of my life – for the first time believing that I do deserve to be loved and wanted and married, not #foreveralone – and he’s in the UK while I’m in America. We’ve actually made the effort to finally be together in person last year after starting our relationship as a long distance one 2 years ago. I’m glad I made the leap of faith to be with him. It seems, though, we both get anxious sometimes about the relationship, maybe me more than him? Only because, as I’ve realized recently, I never thought something like this would or even could happen, and that inner critic tends to rear its head every blue moon.. it’s not fun to deal with at all and it puts a strain on our relationship. I appreciate any insight or advice on how to deal with this. 🙂 Peace & blessings to you all’s relationships and life
Every time I feel that somebody has a crush on me I start to get anxiety and I feel like I need to retreat even before they ask me out. Even if I like them too. I get bad stomachaches and headaches and I cry and flip out. I feel like I can’t truly love someone because every time I feel like I start to, I just back away. Please help me.
I think thats the case with most of the females.. but if u really wanna date someone then try to understand that everyone is human n they all will have some flaws, some things that u might not like in them but the important thing is that r they willing to change that thing for u? if yes then u need to acknowledge it n help them out with it.. see there’s still no reason to stick to a particular philosophy in life.. ive tried it n after a certain point of time it exhausts u, so keep a big heart and an open mind n love after u know about someone well enough.. dont get introduced with some1 because u think u need to date them.. be friends.. be hangout buddies n if its all really comfortable dont be ashamed or afraid of taking that leap of faith!
Thats exactly how i felt back when i was in middle school if i thought a guy liked me and even if i liled him i’d do a 180 and feel like running away. It could be daddy issues but whatever it is i dont want it. My latest relationship just ended because i was anxious and upset the entire time we were dating not that i have anything to hold on too but im scared to experience this again when i try dating anyone now. I need help
I completely understand that. I’ll like someone and once they get too close or go to ask me out I immediately retreat! It’s so frustrating because I did that with this one guy that meant the world to me. I convinced myself that he was terrible and found all his flaws to make me not like him so that it’d be easier to let go. But I never let go mentally and ruined the best thing I had. Still broken til this day.
I am currently going through a relationship anxiety. I have been in this relationship for four years now and my partner has broken up with me for about four different men before she came back to me. now we are both in different schools and I can’t stop worrying about what may happen. sometimes when I call her she acts strange and she doesn’t give attention. sometimes I send her messages but she doesn’t reply and when she is facing problems, she doesn’t discuss with me. please help me. what should I do? I actually want this relationship to work.
I don’t think the anxiety is irrational. My belief is that romantic love is a myth and I embrace the feminist ideology that it was created to subjugate women. Bad experiences serve to further prove the unreliability of this romance myth so our subconscious tries to protect us from it via anxiety warning bells. Much like Santa Claus and god, romantic love isbut a social construct. If it makes you anxious and you don’t believe in it, find other lifestyles and beliefs. I don’t see why we have to accept romance as truth just BC it is the norm. Let’s be true to ourselves and personal beliefs!
I’m going through a lot of anxiety with my guy at the moment and have been wondering just that. Do I even need/want a man? I seem to feel so much happier when I’m single, and like this “romantic” relationship is all just some fantasy that we’re both creating in our heads. I feel so much more solid and fulfilled when I’m alone, and I don’t just think it’s because I’m with the wrong guy.
Do you know of any books/authors you could recommend so I could do further reading on the social construct that is romantic relationships? I’d love to delve deeper…
I feel the same way too.. After my divorce, being in a realtionship makes me so anxious… Im in my 2nd relationship and after 2 month with all the expectation from his side.. I became anxious once again… I lost my hobby, my focus etc and I now wonder if any guy is worth losing sleep and enjoyment in life, over.
I was seriously a stronger, confident and happy person being single. Ps when I read your comment my anxiety disappeared for a moment 🙂
All of you make good points. I think “romantic love” is a fallacy & so do a lot of other people. But people keep looking for it anyway. I gave up on it, all it caused was a lot of hurt and disappointment. Do we really need that in our lives? Not really. Are you better off being single? Yes. Some people do find happiness in relationships, but I think they just got lucky. Like gambling. But people are always looking for love & they’ll always looking for love. But, relationships never made me happy. In order to be in a relationship, I have to settle which means no romantic feelings. But that’s what people did in the old days. So it’s a choice of settling for less or being single. I chose being single, I couldn’t bear the thought of being stuck in a relationship with someone I didn’t care about. Yet people will say that you can grow to love someone. It never worked for me, but I suppose I could try it again. To summarize, I believe that romantic love is only for the lucky ones. And I’m not one of them.
Romantic love is not just a bunch of pretty lies, I had all but given up on it when I finally experienced it. That said, it’s not for everyone and I firmly believe that some (if not most) people have what it takes to be happily single. The main lie about romantic love, for me, lies in the “happily ever after” bit. Even in the best of cases, a relationship takes work and sometimes, unfortunately, you can fall head over heals in (mutual) love and it still doesn’t work out.
You will look back in years to come and realise all the missed opportunity you had to be with somebody who is GENUINELY interested in you. The attitude you have regarding feminism is flawed and will lead to your fears and anxiety controlling you. Not good.
I fele the same as you. Tricky….
You clearly have no idea what it feels like to one day wake up and not be able to love the person you’ve loved so far because your anxiety torturing you with fears and doubts. I’m an anxious male in a homosexual relationship I have chosen to be in and I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression for over a month now. Anxiety is a condition, and regardless of your insights on romance – which for me is one of the best abilities of the human race – one should seek help and not subjugate themselves to his conditions and give up on love.
I honestly think that if a person loves and respects you they will make you feel secure. I recently felt something was very off with my partner x created a whole lot of anxiety and upset in myself trying to hide it … so as (as usual ) wanting to show the confident wonan but inside crumblibg .. on alert .. for anything he said which would suggest i am not the only woman in his life x luckily i had access to counselling thru work who encouraged me to talk about the issues with my partner x sure enough he too was thinking i would leave him due to his recent illness! Lots lots talking touch and go but decided to continue as a lot of love there OR easier than letting go ? I am livid angry that he started to detach from me but you cannot control how a person is thinking BUT you MUST have respect from your partner x after talking and sayjng what is upsetting you they MUST RESPOND!! In the positive x Relationships are very very tricky especially if one or both have been totally devastated by previous partners even worse if they have been betrayed!!
I’m feeling exactly what you stated. I also believe that if your partner loves you and wants to make you happy, they should be there to assuring everything is gonna be ok. At the moment, I am extremely anxious, worried, insecure and jealous. My partner and I started out so much in love with endless sweet dreams, like we can conquer the world. Then suddenly, all of that seems to be on the verge of falling apart after we started living together. We started taking pottery classes and there’s a lady there that I feel he has a crush on. He giggles at every thing she say, even when it’s not funny. I see him glance at her whenever he gets the chance, and the way he said good night to her last week drove me off the roof. I didn’t sleep that night obsessing about it. It still crosses my mind and I’m terrified that I’m feeling this way. Paranoid. But I’m trying to appear collected and confident, when I’m about to explode. I can’t talk to him about my feelings cus I’m afraid I will lose him.. I wish I know how to guard my heart and never love again.
I feel exactly the same way right now about my boyfriend if 6 months. I don’t know what to do but I’m always crying in my room alone and I’ve tried talking to him but he says talk to him after my episode. He chalks everything up to me pmsing. I feel like he dismisses my feelings and for some reason I still stay.
You are not alone. I feel the same, if someone loves you, isn’t it natural to show the other person affection . I’ve been married with my husband for 17 years. But I’ve always had these thoughts, that he’s always looking for someone better. He’s only with me now but if a hot girl have him a chance her would probably leave me. All these years I’ve been and still suffering from these negative thoughts. I’d thought, sure he will see how much I’m in love with h and one day he will love me just as much back. Over 10 years I’ve been yearning him to love me. At least you guys were madly in love in the beginning. I’m not sure if I truly felt it or just fantasized that he would eventually see that I was his true love. Still to this day I’m fighting jealousy, anxiety, constant negative thoughts, insecurity and loneliness. Even when I see that he tries, I don’t fully embrace it. I want to work on my onward but I keep looking outward for assurance. Whom is my husband. I have lots of love, I show him so much affection and attention. I’d thought any guy would love that his wife only wants him but not him. His friend recently came out of jail and they’ve been going out a lot and I heard from another friends wife that the guys are going to some karaoke place that has girls. My anxiety has gone up the roof. But I’m holding it in, all in. So I feel ya girl. I don’t want to say anything in fear he will leave.
so I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a month then we broke you and we just got back together on the 30th. An shes been getting chest pains and she went to the doctor for it and they said it was because of the relationship. and i’m scared that if the anxiety gets to her I’ll lose her again and i don’t want that to happen. i don’t know what to do about it. someone help me.
My anxiety got worse not long after meeting my boyfriend and the doctor said the exact same thing to me, that it was because of my relationship with him. I’m still with him and have been for nearly 5 years now. Do you both argue a lot? Or not see each other often? This was what was causing my anxiety and I used to get full blown panic attacks. We then decided to move in together but we’re living with my family which also put strain on my anxiety. I’m doing much better now and so is my relationship because we’re both putting in the effort. My advice to you is just be understanding, be there when she needs someone and if she really loves you, she’ll work with you so you can both help her 🙂
Hey Danielle, that’s super interesting, I’ve been having lots of anxiety with my boyfriend and am not sure if it’s because he isn’t the one or because we have very different attachment styles.
I can’t seem to point my finger on it.
We had a lot of problems, but my main concern is that he’s pretty avoidant – doesn’t do deep conversations about feelings unless the relationship is threatened and I feel like I always have to imitate those. He stays silent (he’s very withdrawn) for long period of times and I’m actually looking for more interaction, presence, and engaging. That makes me anxious and giving me some body pains too.
I was with my guy for a couple of years from 2008-2010 and we broke up because I couldn’t handle the anxiety. In 2015 we started talking again and he asked to take things slow but I couldn’t. I kept calling and messaging all the time.I accused him if seeing another person…he said they were friends and he had built a life when we weren’t together. Anyway he is now seeing this person and I an devastated. I feel like I pushed him away. I caused it. Why couldn’t I trust that he loved me.
There is a book called thrive. By rob Kelly. Read it. It will explain how your cognition works and has exercises to show you your thought patterns which lead to this sort of behaviours
Simon, is there a specific book for relationship anxiety by rob kelly?
Im in a relationship with a lovely woman for 10 months now. She is so good to me. Does my washing, cooks, she cannot do enough for me. I see her twice a week and sometimes at weekends. We are exact same age, like history etc but when i leave her I seem to go into single mode and wanty indipendance. I get anxious jyst before I see her but when im with her the anxiety seems to go away. We are taking this relationship very slow but im not used to doing this slow even though its the right way about it. I dont think about her all the time and she says she adores me and im worried that my feelings are mot the same. But shes so good for me and if i end it i know i will regret it big time… I kinda dont wanr to end it, but this is tearing apart.
Just because someone is nice to you didn’t mean they are a good fit. Ne honest with yourself, do you want to be single or taken? Your not married, your not even in an official relationship.
Take it slow.
Being single is fun, but being in a loving relationship is too.
Figure out what makes you happy and realize that no other person can do this for you. Identify the triggers that cause you to gown down this slippery slope. If being single enables you to feel true happiness then learn how to give rather than receive. I have realized after one divorce and being married again now for almost five years, it takes a strong man to work on understanding his wife or girlfriend so that he can better assist, love, honor, respect, etc. her in the most fufillig way possible. Let hints be natural and live in the now and not in the past or the future. Take things as they come and live and let live. Love has many shapeshifter sizes but you have to decide if your willing to learn to love the person your with or not. Just my on personal opinion from experience.
Hey everyone, really interesting read. I’ve been struggling with my relationship for about 4 months now. By the sounds of it I do suffer from anxiety. Me and my partner have been in a relationship for a year now, but prior to that we were really good friends. We Hooke up and just decided we should give it a go. And it’s been going good. But not without its lows. I dunno, like if she’s not around I worry if she’s getting hit on by guys, or hitting on guys or giving guys the wrong impressions. She does have a lot of guy friends. And I’ve meet them all and they seem like good blokes. I guess I’m just really scared to lose her to someone else. It’s just the small stuff that makes me overthink things. Like she bumped into a guy that she sleeped with once ( before we dated) and started talking and laughing while I was standing right there. Sh tried to play it off until I asked if that was the guy she use to sleep with. Of course i got kinda pissed coz I Thort that was kinda disrespectful to me. That just made me think, “how often is she bumping into people she used to hookup with?” “Why was she try to play it off like it was nothing?” I don’t know. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one with this problem. If anyone could just give me Some advice that would be awesome because I’m just tired feelings like this all the time.
I’ve just come across this article so sorry that it’s a few months down the line, but what I’d say to you on this matter is, tell yourself that she actively chose to be with you, not with these other guys. We all have a history. Out of all these guy friends and past hook ups, she didn’t see a relationship there yet she did with you.
I’m going through some relationship anxiety myself at the moment, hence why I’m here, and I’m currently writing down what I’m thinking and feeling and getting it ready to share with my partner. Maybe writing it down could help you too? Obviously I don’t know how this has turned out for you in the past few months, but even going forward, when you’re with someone, it’s because you want to be. The same goes for them. They’re with you because they want to be. Best of luck 🙂
Such great advice, thank you for posting. I’m currently in a relationship with an amazing man i met at my cousin’s wedding there really good friends. He’s so great, but I get anxiety, and scared that maybe it won’t workout. He’s in the navy, and I start having negative thoughts that he might meet someone else, and I don’t tell him about my thoughts, because I don’t want him to think I’m just this insecure women. So my thoughts give me anxiety, and makes me wanna run away so I can protect myself from being hurt.
hi i am with a guy in the army and have been with him over two years and feel the same as this year in march i found out he was messaging another girl whilst away in Germany. I decided to forgive him and he is still in Germany now. He goes out an goes missing for 24hrs, he ignores me but then messages me telling me he loves me so much but then goes cold. He goes out drinking and getting wasted constantly but then says he hates it at his new regiment. i Have spoken about how it makes me feel when he doesnt message when he goes out even to just let me know he is going out instead of just ignoring me and messaging me the next morning but going online at all hours. He changed his behaviour for 2 weeks but when i asked was everything ok 2 weeks ago because he hadn’t replied in a couple of hours he called me a psycho and when i didn’t message back to his comment he proceeded to message to say what he was doing and was that a good enough update for me. He used to want to always come home but now he doesnt seem interested since he started in his new regiment in germany, He will be home on the 15th for christmas but that will be the 6th week i havent seen him for and the most i said i could do was 4 weeks and he was originally coming home this week but now isnt. My anxiety is through the rough i cant sleep,concentrate at work,constantly feel sick. Always thinking hes losing interest and looking for someone better. We have house together and a new dog. I feel like ive lost my mind. Do these feelings every go away. Apologises for the rant
You’re the one who deserves someone better, sweetheart
The feelings will go away and you will feel better and relieved.
I agree. You deserve someone better and emotionally available.
Hi, just my opion and nothing else. She might of felt awkward, and didn’t know how to act. She might not of had time to thinking it as it was a random meet. I’m anxious about my relationship, but all we can do is give it out best shot and show love and support. If our efforts are taken for granted for any reason, we simply move on in life and look out for number one. Just realised, I haven’t checked to see how old this comment is, but it might help someone.
Nice Article, thank you for sharing those ideas
I have extreme anxiety and guilt because my love of my life and myself have gotten use to the normal sex we have. So I imagine interesting kinky past thoughts of exes and things I’ve seen in my head to spice things up and I think of them during the duration of sex to get myself going. I don’t actually fantasize being with the person, just the kinky moment that happened with that person. I’ve read everywhere it’s normal, and some close friends also said its normal. I obviously shouldn’t tell her right? Guys and girls please give me some positive feedback…
If you trust her, you will tell her how you feel. How do you know she’s completely satisfied with how you look and perform, and isn’t thinking of others during sex too? Approach it by being honest of your fear and anxiety of what you’re about to say, tell her you still find her attractive but your libido is hitting a cruise control and you rather shift gears of it’s possible. Options could simply include sex while you watch kinky porn, for example. She doesn’t have to become kinky herself, but she might! You will always worry until you first tell her about it.
I don’t know it my last post went through but I have a serious anxiety problem with my girlfriend. I feel horrible because I think about past sexual experiences when I’m with my girlfriend. I don’t miss the actual person so it’s not that bad. I just think about a random hot kinky scene. I still feel horrible even though it’s super common from what I hear. I need positive feed back guys and girls. Help me feel better about this
I was in a relationship for a year with a guy who who was always there for me in every way and things were going great but a few months before we turned a year i found some messages of him and some girl, the girl would send him hearts and stuff like that i got really mad at him and asked him what that meant and he explain to me that she was a close friend of him but got mad at me for checking his messages and changed his passwords for everything thats when i started getting really insecure and wouldnt trust him as much anymore things between us started getting more distant in each time and we started fighting more often until he took the decision to break up i was devastated and started blaming myself for everything that happened and at some point i made myself believe that he never really loved me. We werent together for almost 3 months and during that time he met a girl with who he went out for like a month and then broked up with her and came back to me telling me how stupid he was for doing that and for trying to replace me with someone else he said he loved and that he wanted to go back but start things slow and that i needed to change my attitude and trust him more 3months have passed by and i still get so upset when i see him texting other girls even thoe he shows me there just friends i dont know how to deal with the anxiaty, i really want things to work out this time
K I never had the chance to try this with my girl because her step mother help3d to create anxiety saying to her that I was a cheater or whatever. I had given her the life 360 device that you can toggle on and off and kept it on as often as possible. Even with the evil step mother straight out of hello kitty we kept things together. It was only when I bombed my house did I finally lose her due to anxiety. I am wondering if house cameras would help the amxiety..? life 360 alone wasnt enough because the signal was not reliable enough and a regular car camera without a monitor server is a problem. Any advice?? we have a daughter together and I really want this relationship to work
Hi, I need help. Ive been in three disasters of a relationship in the past 4 years. They were really cruel and mentally abusive and one just completely lost interest in me, refused to tell me about it and just ignored me till I figured it out myself that the relationship was over. Ive started seeing a very wonderful man and l cant fault him in the least. I’m suffering really bad with anxiety, im scared he is going to leave me, I keep thinking he is loosing interest in me and hurt me in the end. I know this is probably not true and I am trying so hard to keep myself from either becoming too clingy or becoming aloof and im struggling to find a balance. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about my feelings as it hasn’t been all that long since ive started seeing him, however he has shown me more affection towards me then anyone else ever has and I don’t want to loose him. Someone please help….
I’ve finally entered into a relation with the girl
I’ve loved after like 8 years.. we were in 9th grade back then n i had waited all these years n she always knew about it.. but i also did mess up 2 times in between.. once slept with her friend and then last year there was this girl who used me to make her bf jealous n get back at him n the worst part is that i realised all this n i didn’t stop it.. but finally she’s accepted my initial proposal n she has known all about what stupidities i had done n she keeps telling me to move on from it.. but i dont know y they keep coming back at me n now when i think about all those mistakes it makes me feel even worse.. I really feel very down when I get these thoughts in my head.. n i dont want to tell her about it again n again… also we r in a distant relationship so its even harder i think cus i just think i need her to hug me. damn this all looks so stupid (according to the genuine male stereotyping) but this is it. I dont know if its something to be really concerned about but this is the most important thing in my life n i dont want this to go bad no matter what! m i crazy?
So, I’ve been attracted to this guy for a while and and we already vot a little physical twice but not all the way. After the second time hanging out, I suddenly got incredibly anxious ever since. Been asking myself what am I doing wrong? It doesn’t help that my anxiety shows very easily and I try too hard to fix things on my own which can make things worse. How should I approach this soI don’t ruin a relationship that technically hasn’t even started yet?
Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend now for 6 years we have a son together too , she cheated on me about 2 years ago now but I’ve never gotten over it , I’ve gotten bad anxiety from this. She has changed and I know she has but still I question everything she does or say. Anytime I check her phone there’s noting suspicious or out of the way , I’ve drove her away over my anxiety and we are currently on a brake ? Which is driving my anxiety threw the roof now thinking is she seeing someone else while we are on a brake ? Can someone please give me some advice ? Any good techniques? Or maybe medicine from the doctors? I don’t know , any help I would appreciate thank you .
I understand your anxiety, there is nothing quite like been cheated on by someone you love. But honestly, when continuing a relationship after such a trauma, you can either forgive them or don’t forgive them. There is literally no in-between. You can either forgive her and never mention it again, like it never even happened or you dont forgive her and break it off. The ‘in between’ state you’re in is unhealthy and its torturing the both of you. If you’re dead set on trying to make it work, then try relationship counselling. But ill be honest, you cant keep checking her phone, you’ll suffocate her and it wont do anything to ease your mind.
Hi, i want to share some of my problem,im 23 yrs old, a college student and in my case, i never been in relationship before, and i feel anxious that in the future i will not find my mrs right, please tell me how to deal with it, because everytime i see my friends with their gf/bf i feel lonely, i start to pitty myself and i feel sad
I’m 29 year old male and I’ve been completely incabable of forming romantic relationships. I’ve been on only a handful of dates (if they can even be called that) and suffice it to say they went nowhere. As I grow closer ti my 30’s I fear I will never experience romantic love. It’s soo bad that I hardly feel attraction at all anymore.
My husband works in the Natural Gas industry. We live in PA, and he transferred to New Mexico but flies home every two weeks. I was livid when he decided to transfer, we had just bought our home last year. We don’t have any children together, but I have a son that lives with us and he has a son from a previous relationship who lives with his mother. I have always experienced a little anxiety with this man when he goes out of town for work. And, now that he’s working in Texas and New Mexico and staying in man camps the anxiety is just crippling. I want to call or text all the time but I resist because I know it just looks crazy. I guess I just miss him, but I’m worried I will eventually have to move down to Texas or New Mexico. Cause this part time spouse thing is just not working. Sometimes I fantasize about his job getting cut and then he would be home all of the time. Sorry for the novel of a post…as you can tell I am having an anxiety induced crazy episode.
Hello, I was wondering if anyone on here has any advice. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now, and my girlfriend have had a few troubles. Most of the time we’re okay and we can resolve things, but I have the feeling that I have a deeply rooted fear of intimacy and I can’t tell if I’m struggling with Jealously, or if I should feel uncomfortable about the things I do.
Basically my girlfriend does romantic and sexual ‘roleplays’ with other people online. It’s basically where you get a character and describe to one another, like writing a book, what you are doing. She assures me it’s fantasy and I’m not frightened that she will fall in love with someone else. But at the same time I can’t stand the idea and have become very anxious about it, including a panic attack at one point. I came clean fairly early in the relationship and tried to explain this to her, that it didn’t feel ‘monogomous’, that I felt uncomfortable and that I wanted her to stop. She agreed, but it turns out that recently she had broke the promise, and she said that she, at the time, had been desperate to just stop me from being upset so agreed even though she was unsure. She admitted she knew it would upset me – starting the roleplays (romantic and sexual ones) again, and she said she should have told me about it, but she had done it anyway.
So now we’re at the point of resolving and working out what to do. I’m not sure if how I feel is healthy and normal, or if the way I feel is rooted in jealously and a fear of loosing her. Realistically, I’m not going to lose her, but I get so upset knowing she can get pleasure from other people and be comfortable indirectly having sexual relationships with other people, even if it is through a ‘character’ and not her. Then again, I feel like it is outside my boundaries of comfort – interacting with another person sexually just feels so wrong. I can’t decide for myself what I feel.
I acknolwedge it’s a hobby she loves, and I don’t want to alienate her and I honestly want to let her do the roleplays, but I get so anxious about it and feel so betrayed that I don’t know if I could manage. For now she’s not doing it until we work things out. I have a paranoid habit of checking on her friends accounts to see what she is up to, and sometimes get upset when I see she is liking things that are sexual.
I also have a phobia of sex (and often a very strong phobia, to the extent that I have spent a great deal crying over sexual feelings I’ve had). Maybe I’m afraid of her enjoying sex because I’m scared that she wants to do that with me? She has absolutely no problem with never having sex with me or anyone else, but while I never have thought it explicitly, maybe I’m afraid of her doing the roleplays because I, deep down, am afraid that it’s compensating for what I can’t give her?
I honestly don’t mind her expressing herself how she likes – she could write porn or watch porn of any given type, but when she’s interacting with another person, even fictionally.. I don’t know. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I am, but for so long I’ve felt uncomfortable with it, my ideal relationship is one in which we only do anything romantic or sexual – whether online or offline – with one another. It feels too ‘open’ a relationship for my liking.
I feel terrible about the idea that maybe I’m just being jealous. I know she is willing to work through this with me so I don’t plan to leave her, and I don’t think I would leave her if she continued the roleplays – I think I’d just have a hard time emotionally. I’m just frightened. I am so terrorfied of sex and terrorfied of her being aroused or feeling loved by what someone else sends her.
Someone please help. I know this is something I’ll have to sort through with my partner but It would help to talk to someone as she is not available right now.
Are you sure you have an actual phobia of sex or are you maybe close to being more asexual? I have struggled with toys same dilemma and finally have given up the idea of every wanting or being totally comfortable with it.
Hi my past relationships haven’t been very good, they have left me with trust issues and feeling insecure. I have met someone and been with him a few months but I feel that my issues are going to ruin things and push him away. He’s very understanding and patient and has not given me any reason to feel so insecure with him. I feel that if I don’t get any advice or help I’m going to loose him and that’s the last thing I want I’ve never met anyone who’s so good to me. I don’t know if you can help I know it’s something I need to work on. I so afraid os messing something up that’s so good.
does relationship anxiety ever go away???
I’m in a new dating relationship of sorts we are just gettin to know each other but I have high anxiety and he tends to delay responses he is guarded and very shy and I needed a answer because he thought I was full of drama as it was in actuality no… I was in physical pain and I expressed my feelings and tried to help him understand me and what I needed and he thought I was lecturing him. He became more distant even after I apologized today I needed to see him face to face to discuss something I heard at work and he said to tell him by text and he’s done with drama I told him and then asked what he meant by done I waited over five minuets and asked again differently and said ild appreciate it if he would just answer he didn’t respond I said I had a right to kno if it’s me causing this I wanted to fix this he said to calm down geez. I said if I could just see he outside of work tonight he gave me a sense of calm no drama…work was drama tonight and my adult son and me get into fights I didn’t want to go home he said no landlord dog wakes everyone up. I said does that mean I will never go to your house a minute later said good night. And now my head hurts my stomach is in nots and I’m sweating it’s enough myvtruck keeps firing and I can’t afford repairs and my adult son starts crapbat home all the time.. I did tell him I have anxiety issues and I’m not perfect and I apologized. He doesn’t kno that I can’t afford meds and in between being able to even get insurance I am care to expensive as I am in border line and employer insurance is even more. I don’t kno what to do anxiety is ruining my life. I actually have physical painful attacks blood pressure up and done fainting and stomach problems all at once come at me out of blue causing sever pain.
I told my friend I loved her and it was reciprocated…. and ever since I have this overwhelming anxiety. We haven’t even started out and it’s literally crippling me. I literally cannot think straight. I cannot stop my thoughts from running away with me. I never expected to feel like this and I think it might be easier being single!!
Martin, please don’t give up! Slow down & realize she reciprocated!! That’s wonderful! I’m reading this because my “boyfriend” of one year, that I loved & saw also 20 years ago, has NOT reciprocated… for a year! Ugh, my anxiety is high & I use prayer constantly to ease my mind a little, but it stays high. Why do I go on you ask? Because I have been in love with this man for 20 years, he may not reciprocate the way I want him to, but we still spend 2 days a week together, every week. We still have a unique closeness, unlike I’ve ever had before, it’s limiting & some days overwhelming to me & even debilitating… but I love him, so I choose patience & love in the hopes one day he will be brave enough or lose whatever this fear of his is of not speaking about his feelings. As I read, sometimes I wonder if he senses all of my fears & I do tend to cling onto him a little longer than he likes, for my fear of it being suddenly taken away from me. I pray so hard, that is not the case. But I really have no control. My point dear Martin is, you took the leap, she reciprocated, hold on & give it your all. Don’t be afraid of the possibilities.
If you are a prayerful man, I could use the extra prayers for Mary & Drew. I need to stop these irrational fears of mine, no matter how rational they feel at the time. Good luck, Martin.
Ive never been in a relationship before im 17 and a boy asked me out it makes me so uncomfortable to think about that because i dont know how to do a relationship and it scares me bc hes had many before and idk what to do
hey guys, have enjoyed reading these stories & am happy to realise i am not alone! I recently accepted that I have quite a bad case of anxiety, when in a committed relationship. I had dated people but not really been in a serious relationship for a good few years & this is where the cracks have started to show. I’ll start by saying the best thing is to acknowledge that there may be a problem & making whatever necessary steps need to be taken. It all started over…and don’t laugh…when I went over to my new boyfriend’s after we went for dinner, and found that he had washed his bedding. Now looking back I can see this is a ridiculous thing to get anxious about but I immediately assumed he was cheating (didn’t say this) but since I have just lost all trust & been ‘acting out’ by shouting & not replying/calling him names. I’m quite astounded as to why I’ve even reacted in this way & now it seems he has had enough as this has been happening for months. I hate feeling ‘damaged’ or ‘in need of therapy’. I can only assume it is from my dad having cheated on my Mum for about 10years from when I was a teen, before she found out (i knew but wasn’t able to disclose). And when it did blow up I had to help my Mum through her suicidal thoughts. I am so so fearful that this could be me & almost sabotage the relationship whenever I get a whiff of what could potentially be that. Any helpful ideas!!!!?
Hi, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years and we have been fighting for a two months prior to me being diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder. I was crying for three days straight and my mind kept telling me that I don’t love when I do and I don’t want to loose him. I am a very sensitive person and take things to the heart easily and we have had some huge issues. The year has been very stressful for me, I have started a new job, not really happy there and my boss I honestly hate. I have no excitement but I can feel happiness. My mind is never quite, it’s like its trying to hurt me on purpose. I have been given medication for my anxiety disorder but this is really worrying me, I don’t want to loose him but my mind keeps feeding me negative thoughts like I don’t love him. I also get stressed easily and over obsess about everything and overthink almost everything.. My desire to have sex has reduced as well… Please give some advice to get some piece of mind I don’t want to loose him and I want my feelings to come back to me like they were in August 2016. I can’t turn off my mind…:-(
Hey there Lauren, I am currently going through the same situation as you! For me this anxiety comes and goes. I know I love him and I don’t want to lose him but sometimes I feel like I don’t love him. I question whether I think about him enough or if I love him as much as he loves me. I’ve had this for about 4 years now but it’s not constant. For some time I feel like I’m in love with him and others I just feel like I’m not! I am overthinking everything and it’s giving me so much anxiety!
I would suggest for you to look at yourself and reflect on what is truly bothering you about the relationship. Maybe he’s not satisfying some of your emotional or physical needs?
I suggest to try to talk to him about the issue, it will ease your anxiety.
I’m 16 and had this same issue with my last relationship. The relationship had a lot of issues, but I certainly didn’t help. After about the 6 month mark my mind continued to convince me I didn’t, and the underlying complications in the relationship eventually caused us to split. We were together for another year and 6 months before I finally decided to make the break.
I am now dating my best friend – have been for about a month. He is the perfect guy for me, but recently these feelings have returned. Im petrified that Im going to make myself as miserable as I did when I was with my first boyfriend and destroy the relationship. Knowing that other people are going through what I am is comforting, but hearing that it isn’t going away is less so. Is there any advice you can give?
I’m also currently going through this too! It sucks when you realise you’re not 100% infatuated like you were once previously, or you find yourself thinking about him less. This anxiety has caused my relationship to go downhill but I am slowly getting better and we are building it up again. A few tips, look within yourself. Really see if anything has changed within the relationship, for example, have you passed the ‘honeymoon stage’? Have you reached the ultimate comfort-ability with your partner? Are you/ is he becoming more independent than you once/ he once was? I’ve found that becoming more comfortable and less reliant on my partner has caused me to question all kinds of silly things! I used to make my partner my whole world instead of part of my world and realised it was extremely unhealthy and wearing us both down, but trying to get to that mature and healthy relationship we both want has caused this anxiety. A bit ironic! Just remember to persevere. You fell in love with this person for a reason, don’t lose sight of that! Good luck.
Uhm, I’m basically new to this whole relationship thing and it’s probably odd considering that I’m 18. Most people I know have already been in numerous relationships and have lost their virginity but I’m still the odd one out.
But recently I’ve met this guy and we’ve talked and such. He’s even told me to my face that he likes me back (while literally sitting in his lap, mind you) but I still can’t help but think that he’s lying or just trying to just get into my pants because everyone wants to bang the virgin. I’ve become distant and quiet when he’s around, I barely even look at him because of it and I’m sure he’s noticed it. I’m afraid he thinks I don’t like him anymore.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety for a while now and lately I’ve been having little bouts of depression here and there, too. I don’t want to seem like I’m whining I just don’t know what to do.. I can’t help but overthink everything. He could do something small like give me a look or sigh and my mind will already be in gear coming up with thoughts like “he thinks I’m boring” or “he doesn’t want me anymore”.
Any advice is appreciated, I just need a little help with this…
I was in a very loving relationship that was great until one day she broke up with me for no apparent reason (she wanted to see if she could do it). Ever since then relationships make me nervous (lose my appetite) and now it is very hard for me to trust people I am in relationships with. It is also difficult for me to find someone after that incident.
Someone once told me something that made sense in many, many ways. The day that sex became more easy to find, love(the right partner) became harder to find. The true test will be to withhold that side of the relationship. This will either break or make you as a team/couple. If it breaks, you know it was not the right one. If someone is willing to wait for sex, and first focus on building the relationship, and get to know each other, it is meant to be. But even that could have its challenges. Do not hump like bunnies from the start, give yourselves time to grow.
Nothing good comes easy. From hard work and conforming to each other will write your chapter together. Most important, be able to compromise. Without this, a relationship is not worth building on. Both parties must be able to put in effort. Effort should also not be something that should be constant. A healthy relationship should have its up and downs, not only its downs…
My name is Elizabeth and I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for four months. All was well, until I got into an argument with my mom and didn’t know he was there. He seemed almost upset but I couldn’t tell. He started deleting photos of me on his phone and changed his screensaver. I asked if he wanted to break up with me and his reply was no, he said that he wanted to put the good photos on his laptop to save storage, but I’m not sure that I believe that. I have very bad anxiety over this relationship because I like him and he’s been my crush forever. my family is coming up Sunday and he would like to see them but I’m not sure if I want to because I’m not sure that he will look at me the way he did before. What should I do?
I’ve been in a 10-11 year relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been engaged for one year but ever since he proposed a year ago, I’ve been high high anxiety that’s affecting my feelings for him. He’s a great guy- generous, caring, affectionate and loves me a lot. The two main issues I have with him is his high volume of debt and his refusal to change his lifestyle. He justifies his expense that he can eventually make that money back and questioned what is his incentive to work so hard when he can’t buy himself nice things. He doesn’t believe in deferred gratification. Having financial security is very big deal to me because I’ve been very responsible in handling money at a very young age, since I was brought up that way. I do notice it may be cultural upbringing differences which I cannot change. He’s been told of my anxiety and recently I told him how my anxiety hasn’t improved and also affecting my feelings for him. We broke up or at least spending time apart for me to figure out what I’m feeling. I don’t know what to do because I’m a very pragmatic romantic. I would like to start a family within 2 years but I know he may not be financially ready until 5-6 years later. If I wait for him to get back on his feet, there might be a chance that I’ll be in high risk pregnancy when we decide to start a family. Also, his way of handling money makes me uneasy which makes me worry about how we should merge our finances and also his personal debt in our life. Do I leave him because of our uncertain future together and also because of his spending style/debt? He’s an excellent boyfriend because he treats me very well but this anxiety is not allowing me to move forward with him. All advices would be appreciated.
Hi there. Just curious to know how you resolved this or have since moved forward. Dealing with similar anxiety currently about what future with my bf will look like if we he/we are not on the same page financially. I hope someone can reassure me that it’s possible to build a life together although we have different views on money. Otherwise everything else is good and he treats me so well.
So the whole anxiety problem is rooted in our own inner voice according to this article?
Well what if our partner is using dating apps and getting messages from other guys but won’t show what’s going on? Anxieties are not always created by a “weak” or “problematic” inner-self/voice…
From what I can read in this article, the best advice it gives to the reader is to “look into your self” to solve the anxiety problem – but what about your partners role in this? Also respecting your anxiety and insecurities by being more transparent with own feelings and activities? Anxieties are not always a result of bad experiences mixed with current feelings – In my opinion it’s too easy to put the blame on one individual having anxiety by addressing his/her previous experiences and bad inner-voices of current problems in relationships. Sometimes anxieties are built on “the unknown”. This “unknown” can also be “the unknown” of your significant others current and future “reality”, a subjective reality of thoughts and feelings that should be transparent for you to work with and melt together with towards a common ground of reality. If this fails to happen in a relationship, sharing realities/horizon, there will be no real intimacy and compassion.
Am 19years old and am afraid of being in a relationship.The responsibility that are in a relationship are hard for me to cater for.I dont know what to do because sometimes i feel like i need someone to be with to share my experiences in life. But just as i mentiomed earlier bout the responsibilities i think thats what is holding me back…….Advice
I have been married 3 times and getting married again in 248 days but I’m beginning to be very paranoid and anxious. Found out my partne cheated on my last year but she doesn’t know that I know.. we say we love each other loads of times but it doesn’t seem enough. Looking for some advice
I honestly from the bottom of my heart hope you don’t marry this woman. She cheated on you and didn’t even tell you about it, and it’s been a year? I’d confront her before you make a big mistake for the 4th time
Am in a relationship for about eight years now. We had so many problems that at a point in time I lost my feelings for him. But somehow we settle our differences and I was introduce to the family of the guy. Somewhere along the line I met guy who’s always ready to listen to me. He’s actually a friend that anyone would like to have. We’ve been friends for two years and I have began to have a very strong feelings for him and he also confessed to me that he’s in love with me. The kind of feeling am having is something I’ve not felt for the past five years. I don’t want to hurt his feelings even though am feeling that am in love with him. Please I a help, what do I do?
Wow…. a great detailed article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I have been in a relationship for six months now. I’m a senior in highschool and I get these insecurities because I’ve been cheated on before. I question whether she’s seeing other guys, being honest, and etc. I always get worried if she’s being hit on by other guys while she’s out and bout or she’s at another guy’s house and etc. I’ve been surfing the internet looking for solutions. Can anyone help me?
I have also had to deal with these same insecurities. What I found to help me was a change of outlook. I was sick of being anxious and worried when my partner went out partying with his friends (who are all totally trustworthy) or whenever he wasn’t in my presence. What I did was give my 100% trust to him (this is obviously harder than it sounds). I now trust him to do whatever he wants, there are no restrictions or boundaries, although I trust that his decisions and actions are one’s that are also in my best interests. I trust that what he does is the right thing to do. Now, if you don’t think you could give this trust to your partner 100%, maybe you should re-evaluate whether your partner is completely trustworthy or perhaps seek professional help from a counsellor. If you’re not completely comfortable with doing so, a site that helped me tackle my insecurities was > http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47 .
Hope this helps!
Hey okay well I’ve been with this girl for almost 3 years and well we’ve been through a lot together everytime we break up she ends up doing something worse and it bothers me because not even in 3 days of a break up she’ll start already talking to other guys and it’s bothers me so I’ll end up calling her back and trying to talk to her because I get scared that she might end up doing something worse me and her are the jealous types and well anyways she’s been doing the same thing to me almost 5 times in the past 3 years we’ve been together and so well this time we’ve been trying to make it better and change and respect one another but everytime something comes up I get scared and think wrong like what if she’s talking to another guy or what if another guy catches her attention and I just start having all these things run through my head and I tell her things and I don’t like this but it just hurts me from whatever she has already done to me in the past and I wish I can forget it but it’s hard and idk what to do? I really love this girl and she tells me that she loves me too and doesn’t want to lose me but it’s just hard thinking about the past almost everyday and night and I just need some advice..
im sorry to hear that…
but i feel it’s hard to make it work if you dont fully trust your partner right?
recently i’ve been very anxious that my bf will leave me.
we’ve only been dating for almost 3 months and im starting to get scared that he will also do the same thing that my ex did to me.
my ex and i never had any argument, we were happy, then his work started to stress him out a lot. he then broke up with me because he said his feelings were not enough.
i was so confused, we were happy then he gave up…
so now, this new guy is starting to get busy with work, and he cancelled one of our dates, i let it go because it was the 1st and he wasnt feeling well.
now, he forgot our plans, this is making me feel on edge, and im feeling the same thing i felt with my ex bf when he broke up with me…
I’ve never been in a relationship. I’m 41. I’m wondering if I’m anxious about them or if I just don’t want it. Even friendships stress me.
Friendship stresses are a normal part of human functionality. It seems like the more I try to emotionally commit myself to something that lasts, the less soul drainage I experience from outsiders looking in. Having done exposure therapy through Covid-19 helped in many ways to alleviate social anxiety and therefore less stressed with the thought of friendships becoming more intimate and trusting. Love and respect for Mr. Joshua Yuhan and his brilliant philosophical roles in family reasoning.
I’ve been in my realtionship for 2.5 years now and have never been happier with someone. Even though i’m happy the thought of me not being enough for him gives me crippling anxiety. We broke up for a short period in our first year of dating and it was devasting. When we first got back together things were great, but as the months have passed, I find myself getting more and more worried that he’s going to find someone else. When my anxiety spikes and I tell him about it, it ends up causing an arguement because he thinks I don’t trust him or that I am overly jealous of other women. I’ve never been the jealous type and trust has never been an issue for me either but I don’t know how to convience him of that when my anxiety is how it is. We both want to take the next step in our relationship but my anxiety has caused a big obstacle for us. I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Please someone help me.
I have been married for 6 years now and I’m terrified of my wife she is from Central America. She never says she is sorry and it seems she is able to be herself. When if I tell her I got McDonald’s for lunch I am terrified. All she has to do is give me a look and my mind goes berserk. She has dad issues and is acting like she accusing meet of something, and keeping track of meet with gps.I know she is a good woman and mother but I shouldn’t be in this condition. I should be able to be me. How do I change this?
I get really bad anxiety when my girlfriend goes out with her friends. I don’t trust her friends tbh they’re a bad influence. But like I just start wonder what is she doing? Is she safe? Is she flirting with anyone? Crazy questions like that. I trust her. I don’t trust her friends. I just don’t know how to stop being so anxious when she goes out
so about 2 days ago me and my girlfriend now made it official. We had been talking for about 3 years off and on and i can honestly say this is my first real relationship where we go out and kiss and hug and since we got together my anxiety got really bad. My chest started feeling heavy and i would loose sleep and stopped eating. All these thoughts filled in my head kind of like the ones listed in this article and i do not want to loose my girl friend because i care about her a lot and i refuse to let this anxiety take over my relationship. Today i decided to look up why i am feeling the way i do and i had no idea romantic anxiety was a thing for a minute i thought i was going crazy but seeing your alls story’s has helped me a bit and i will not ruin my relationship because of this.
Has anyone taken any medication to help?
I just ran the perfect guy away. He went from texting me everyday, inviting me on trips, and being affectionate to nothing at all. He travels a lot for work and I was proud of myself for holding back my anxiety but it was bad. I felt like he was too good for me and going to leave me. If he didn’t call for a day I had a full on anxiety attack. (I don’t have anxiety in any other area of my life). Then I noticed he was pulling away. We had overlapping trips and didn’t see each other for two weeks. We talked one day and sent pictures, him hiking and me going out. I didn’t hear anything, I had one too many drinks and texted “guess your busy. Goodnight” then “?” And a couple hours later “got the hint. Goodnight”. This ruined it. He told me he had a lot of stress from work and didn’t want it need anymore and he just wants to be friends. I am devastated. Its been two weeks and I went from hearing from him everyday to nothing. I can’t stop crying because I regret ruining it. He’s the first man I’ve been excited about in years. I think something is wrong with me.
A.W.: There isn’t anything wrong with you and you did not run the perfect guy away. If he were, he would have responded to you when you reached out to him as well as talk with you about what’s going on with him versus him giving you the silent treatment and then ghosting on you. Take a pause from blaming yourself and look at both sides, his and yours. His behavior shows a lack of emotional maturity & intelligence which is required for a healthy relationship. Seems he has anxiety too and a fear of intimacy since he started “pulling away”, giving excuses rather than address things head on with you. Re-read the article especially the part where a person will distance or become aloof. He has his own issues he needs to work out. I’ll bet you aren’t the first or last woman he’s dated that he behaves this way with.
It is hard to be on the receiving end of that type of behavior and your feelings are valid. Learn more about your needs and know that you deserve to get them met by someone who is available and capable of doing so. I’ve been in situations like you where I got swept away from all the daily texting or shared activities but that doesn’t make for an actual relationship. Emotional investment is needed from both parties which takes consistent time and effort.
I suggest reading up on what makes for a healthy and happy mutual loving relationship. Learn what the qualities you & your partner need to individually possess so that you are turning towards each other and collaboratively building a relationship together. You can do it – you are lovable the way you are. Most importantly, believe that you are good enough, period. Get to know yourself better and only accept someone who can respect and care for you the way you need and want. Then you will know and be in a secure relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months now. It has been great, however, I’m not gonna lie we have had ups and downs and arguments about comfortability and communication. This is my first relationship, I’ve gone on dates before but it wasn’t special. With him though, its different, there’s just something about him that makes me feel like I’m always on my first date with him. I like the feeling, because as the day passes by I know that Im falling him more each day. I’m still getting the hang of it, i don’t know how it feels like to have someone care for you, nor be a “girlfriend”. For some reason though, for him I am not comfortable because I cannot communicate the way “he thinks a girl should” . He keeps telling me that, I’m not being myself when I am around him, and that I am not comfortable enough in the relationship. He expects that the girl should talk all the time and always be clingy and needy. I told him that I am clingy but I try to hold myself back because I keep on thinking that he might get tired of me and that he’ll lose interest and possibly leave. And when I get clingy because I’m trying to please him, according to him “that’s not being clingy at all”, so I guess I’m not. Although, he tells me that he isn’t comparing me to his past relationship, I know he is, because he is subconsciously comparing me to them especially when he tells me that “it’s based on experience”. I’m very skeptic, and always think of the negative. He always tells me that, I am the only asian he has dated for his preference is white, he says that I should feel special, but I don’t feel that way. I constantly keep on thinking that I was just an option and not an exception. That one day, he’ll meet a girl based on his preference and realize that he wasted his time with me and leave. I also don’t feel like he trusts me at all, and this why I feel like instead of me acting natural, I have to work for it, just to get a good respond from him. I love him, and I want to work it out. It takes time to be comfortable with someone, and since its been 2 months he thinks that by now I should be, but we barely see each other and I feel like that’s also one factor. Yet, I cannot complain, since I am still a student and have my priorities. I don’t know. I hope someone can give me tips about the situation.
I would like to say that this article is very helpful in understanding why I may have anxiety when it comes to my relationship. Being that I was cheated on in my past it is very hard to see the future as bright. I do want to work on it so it does not affect my current relationship. I Know that I can trust my partner but for some reason there is always this thought in the back of my head that something is going to ruin it. I have to start finding ways to help put my mind at ease so I can finally relax and enjoy the ride. Any suggestions going forward on how I can better myself and become a more trusting person.
My boyfriend is always being so depressed. He seems to get mad over me sometimes when I talk to any guy or just message any boy for even college stuffs. He always asks me, like everyday, “tell me, you won’t leave me, right?” Its his everyday task. Earlier I used to tell “No, I won’t” But now i feel like why he is asking everyday, doesn’t he has trust on me, and so sometimes I react and get sad about it. He says he has trust but he is has the fear of losing me. This is because he had a relationship but it didn’t worked. So he has a fear that, won’t that same thing happen again. I understand his fears but I want a solution for it. I can’t see him going in this way. One more thing, due to some family nonacceptance we can’t meet each other for 33 years at least. And even after that we are not sure when are we gonna meet.
Can you help me how this can be solved? Please!
I have been worried my boyfriend will leave me. I opened up to him about my feelings and he tells me that he would never do such a thing. But, deep down I know what’s coming. I’m assuming that he will leave me. I started becoming clingy and I been so protective over him. I think part of the problem is I feel like I need a guy to make me happy. What should I do?
Hi Andrea I’m going through the same thing in my relationship and I really don’t know what to do ?
I can’t feel myslf anymore in the relationship. I love him and he loves me too but can’t trust me and he feels intimidated by my level of academics
It’s a distance relationship. Sometimes I feel like he’s trying like he’s trying to forget me when we are not together. And hhe is jealous and overprotective and sometimes I sense fear
When I’m with him I’m scared I’m scared that I’ll loose him I’m so scared that I won’t matter as much to him and I have this fear in my eyes that he could walk away in any moment Sometimes I start to doubt his love for me so many stuff go in my head I try to brush it of we just go back together and I feel like he already lost feelings Also it scares me that I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling towards me and everything that he says could me a massive lie I don’t know what to do
Hi. My name is Erin and I have been with the man of my dreams for six years. We did everything backwards. Had the baby (now 5), went to trade school, got good jobs, bought our first home and then got married just a few months ago. We have had many ups and downs but have conquered them gloriously… My problem, I have anxiety. It isn’t crippling however it tends to beat me down in ways that recently I have been having a hard time coming back from . My husband works a very hard shift (rotate) which means we have very little time together.. i find myself wondering if he will find someone else, if I don’t do enough, make enough money. Why does he want me? I know it is silly because why would be trying to have another baby if he was only going to leave me. I know he works as much as he does to support us, give us cushion in life, so why can’t my mind seem to grasp that? Any advice? Am I overreacting or sitting in my own head too much?
Wow, what a good article. I’m the an hour one In my relationship. My issue is, my partner has male friends which is fine, but there are 2 guys at work who she see’ s every day and messages them as well via messenger or what’s app etc. They have smutty talk, disscusing how much sex one of them is getting etc. There’s a certain work tip she wears that I say is far to low as her boobs are out and it sends the wrong message. She says no it’s not and continues to wear it. Am I being stupid or is what she is doing acceptable? I’m so commuted and would never that. I wonder how she would feel if I spoke and messaged women like that, which I wouldn’t ever do.
Thanks for sharing such a nice article. A person with relationship anxiety doesn’t necessarily have an untrustworthy partner. I see relationship anxiety flare up when comparing relationships on social media. The compare-and-contrast game promotes worry that your relationship is not as successful as others, and causes anxious thoughts to develop as you ruminate about why your relationship isn’t as ‘successful’ as others.” Which is, of course, all projection.
If a boy love a girl and that girl leave him and he love another girl and he leave her and he love another girl from her character is his love is true or not
I can’t even get to week 2 of dating because of my anxiety. I want one, but I can’t overcome my fears of being treated poorly. Then comes the self sabotage. I’m 34 and I just about gave up until read your article and remembered we can change or at least try to be better. Are then any books you suggest about getting over fear that your new relationship will be like your last? I’m going on 11 years here of this
Hi, so I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for about half a year now and recently my anxiety has gotten worse. There’s been lots of drama in my life recently that I got through and has left me hurting. I don’t have friends except him. Anyways I’ve been having anxiety whenever he goes to friends. He lets me know that it is a girls house before and stuff but it still hurts and I get a lot of anxiety from it. Idk why I do though and lately I’ve been really nervous ig that he’ll leave me and find better because of my anxiety and depression. He constantly is there for me and reminds me that he only loves me but I still have a lot of anxiety, what can help me?
I’m in a very new relationship, we have only dated about 5 months. I am 20 and so is he, we are both working and college students.
About a year ago I came out of an emotionally abbusive relationship that caused me to become very depressed and filled with anxiety ever since. I feared men for a while and still do a bit to this day.
In my new relationship I tend to get extremes relationship anxiety. Like ,”Am I here because I’m lonely?” “Do I really love him?” “Am I dating him just because I don’t want to lose a friend?” “Am I even ready for a relationship?” Etc.
We are very close, we talk about our feelings and issues, we do have some minor arguments but over silly small things and they get resolved rather fast. He is very kind and very different than my ex who didn’t like my family or friends and tried to get me to stop talking to them really. Unlike this new guy who loves spending time with my family and siblings plus enjoys seeing me happy with my own friends and tells me that it’s good for me to have my own personal time. He is really amazing and I’m happy with him however these doubts pile up and I get mental breakdowns from them. It can be really exhausting and frustrating for the both of us. What can I do to help myself get better? I really don’t want to lose him and the thought of not having him in my life hurts me a lot. Please help 🙁
Hi I’m in the same situation maybe you should try talking to him it could help him understand how your feeling and he could try to help you to
Hi there, I have been going through the exact same situation down to every word for the last 2 years. I came out of 2 abusive relationships, my last extremely verbal and emotionally abusive. My first year with my boyfriend i had no anxiety, but suddenly as our first year anniversary approached the negative “what if i dont love him” “what if I lost feelings for him?” thoughts started to appear. I told him about it from the very beginning and i love him so veery much and never want to lose him but I still get these feelings. I experienced a completely mental break down to the point were i was talking to myself to get rid of the thoughts. I started taking prozac 2 years ago and it’s helped but only to a certian extend. The thoughts make me feel so bad at times that I have been thinking about suicide for 3 months now, not going through with it but it’s on my mind. It has gotten better over the years and I have months where it goes away and I’m strong enough to handle the thought. Right now I feel like im relapsing into a dark place. I now take Welbutrin and prozac to help with my depression and anxiety over the thoughts. My mind conviences me that these are in fact real and that I don’t love him…the amount of guilt and shame I have on my chest everyday is so terribly awful I cry a lot. You’re not alone here, I think after reading through this post that its something that a lot of us are suffering with this and that we still do love these people but this mental illness is so harmful to us and self sabotaging our lives. I hope you feel better soon.
I’m not that old I’m a teen and I have a really hard time being in a relationship. When I’m with this person I feel amazing he makes me feel happy, but then when I leave him I ask my self questions. When I leave him I feel super bad almost sad about being with him and I just want to cry. But If I’m not with him I feel bad about not having him in my life. I’ve broken up with him a couple of times but we always get back together. When I’m not with him I’m super mad at myself ask my self if I would be better of without him. I need help please I can’t deal with this anymore what should I do?
hi my name is John im a 24 year old male. I’ve had 4 longterm relationships in my life and I get these terrible feelings that im doing something wrong or that something is terribly wrong with me just because of the simple thought that I saw an attractive girl even though I didn’t say anything to her at all. I tend to beat myself up for no reason at all and it makes me distant from my partner and pervious partners to the point that leave the relationship all together. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I have these self destructive worries that overwhelm me to the point that I fee like ive done something as bad as cheating just because I noticed a girl was attractive or said hi to another girl, even in a completely friendly way in passing. these issues come up almost every day it seems. if its not one thing its another and when I tell my partner or previous partners these things it makes them upset and causes issues down the road for us. I really don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation cause im with someone I really care about who is very healthy for me and its almost like too hard to accept so my mind constantly finds things to worry about. someone please help me.
So I’m in a relationship right now…I had a crush on this guy and we are finally dating…The only problem is, whenever I date guys I have panic attacks…I don’t know what to do…I don’t even look him in the face or want to even be near him anymore…Everytime I think about him I start to cry or freak out…I don’t know what to do…Please help…I don’t know whats going on…I don’t think this is a healthy thing…
I fell in love with a girl….. Though she’s usually shy but sometimes not to me and am a very shy guy too… So slowly we drifted apart due to lack of communication and as time passed by, she came back to give me her new phone number(meaning she wanted to talk) but I called her and I was so confused that I got short of words that she became absolutely turned off and she said that if I don’t have anything to say that I should hangout up…… And I desperately wanted to apologize, I just want her to understand and so we could have a nice relationship together
I had all those thoughts… turned out it was true… he didn’t love me, he was talking to other women and going on dates and had sex.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS LADIES! If you have these thoughts they are warning you.
I have been with my boyfriend now for 8 months and we are happy. He has really bad anxiety and depression and he tells me it’s not something I’ve done and it’s really hard for me to believe because some times he just needs time to himself. Also, his ex girlfriend cheated on him now every time I drink, I feel like shit because I feel like I will do the same thing. I don’t want to, I know I don’t, I want to be with him, but I keep thinking I am going to screw everything up and some times it makes me want to distance by self and sometimes I just want to cry. I don’t want to ruin this but I don’t know what to do. Can someone please help
Is it possible to have a relationship without lies and secrets? I’m 35 and I feel like my standards are too high maybe or I’m asking too much
I had issues with people close to me leaving me or not wanting to deal with me (my parents, close family, and people) so I naturally get clingy especially because my boyfriend has been busy. How do I stop this behavior? I need to learn to stay calm. I tell him how much I miss him and he doesn’t react the same way. I’m just nervous about him actually not wanting me especially because he’s been busy working. What should I do to keep our relationship healthy but also get a bit more attention from Him without get obsessed over him? Please help ?
I’m phyl , I haven’t really been in relationships that end very well and anxiety I think is one problem . My current boyfriend and I are in a distance relationship and I have been able to visit him twice within 4 months of our relationship . We don’t really argue , we sort things out as soon as possible . Just recently we had a problem and we sorted it out but he gave me a shocked news , he’s cheated on me with his friend that I forgave him even though he apologized like he wasn’t very sorry about it . Since then , I don’t even recognize my man anymore , he’s been very distant from me . I call him and he is always busy on phone . We have spoken about the relationship and he is breaking up neither is he saying anything . It looks like I disturb with my calls . He tells me he is not comfortable about the distance relationship because most of his ex girlfriends were far from him and they all left him for someone else . I really love him and want to save my relationship please help me .
My Name is stuart.
I have been in a relationship for 29 years and now my relationship is in tatters because I totally took my partner for granted and treated her as if she was my servant expecting food clothing and love on request with no thanks or gratitude. Iam a honest hard worker who is also kind and fair to others but not shown any to my partner. i have never been unfaithful in all these years. Please can anyone help me find my way I feel so lost and destroyed at what I have done to Jane.
I honestly believe your partner should make you feel secure x their actions (if weird) create those prone to relationship anxiety go into over drive x when my guy suddenly stopped texting contact for 48 hours am I supposed to accept that? Er no I dont think so then the explanations dont fit ? But yes i am still in the relationship at his insistence that his illness caused his uncertainty in our relationship NOT my thoughts that someone else is in the picture! My paranoia? Or trust your gut instincts?? All the self help books says trust your gut instincts!! Yikes ! At the end of the day its how they treat you and make you feel x if you say look we dobt spend enough time together to make this relationship gel and they say ok heard you will do something about that ! Er … then nothing changes .. then the writings on the wall surely x hanging onto a destructive relationship is not good for anyone involved. So tell them whats upsetting you then did they respond ? Did things change ? Are you now happier? The saying “this life is NOT a rehearsal” is pertinent here. Someone who loves you WOULD do anything they can to make you feel as secure as possible. They should understand your anxiety and reassure you. You in turn must accept that you have trouble believing partners possibly because of horrendous betrayal in the past. Again talk and tell them what happened. After such a trauma (sometimes similar in every way to PTSD) trusting someone again is HUGE !! Tiny steps xx love and luck to all xx
This was amazing, everything written was so nice to read because it was accurate. I just wish the how to get over it was as helpful! Found the end bit pretty useless, halfway to solving my problems!
Hi, don’t know if anyone is still using this thread anymore but I’ve found a lot of what has been on it to be very helpful to me. I cannot stop overthinking every aspect of my relationship with my boyfriend. To the point where my anxieties that one day my feelings could change towards him or that I could stop liking him suddenly are making me think I should just dump him now. However, the thought of us breaking up is devestating to me and I constantly want to see him/ be around him/ be hugged by him etc. So I don’t think I am going off him at all, it is more anxieties in my brain creating this idea. I am also having lots of other anxieties in my life at the moment with my mother being ill, leaving a toxic friendship and a living situation that I am unhappy with but cannot currently leave. Does anyone have any insight into my anxieties?, it’s been going on for nearly two months now and I’m going crazy
I have the same anxieties and I too just always want to be around him and hug him and never let go; its the clingy relationship anxiety the article discusses. I sometimes whine like a puppy when I hug him, like I’m a pet who’s owner just got home. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this and I hope you learn how to overcome it. If you find any additional advice, please do share!
I just started seeing a guy who asked me to be his girlfriend about 2 months into seeing each other. The only thing that changed was he didnt want to see other people. If I don’t hear from him, I get very nervous and clingy. If I upset him, I become very apologetic and just try to get him to be happy again. I feel like I’m compromising so much because I don’t want to be alone in life. I have a genuine fear of growing old and dying alone. I’m 35, divorced, and scared. He has been wonderful in spending what free time he has with me and texting me all the time, but I keep wanting more. I want him to be more affectionate and more available, but he’s just not affectionate and he has work and school and friends and family to occupy most of his time. I’ve just moved to this state and dont have too many friends here yet, but he’s from here and his whole life is here. My friends tell me I need to calm down and not expect so much from him this early on, but I genuinely don’t know how to do that. I think about him constantly, I always think about love and men and sex constantly, its so distracting, but I don’t know how to stop it and calm my thoughts. I don’t know if this guy is the right guy for me, but how can I fix myself so this doesnt happen again in the future? Or if he and I keep dating, how do I fix myself so I don’t fall back into this self-destructive path?
I’ve been with a guy for 4 months now. He is Nigerian and I’m British. He was honest from the day we first got together that it’s very complicated and that his family wouldn’t except him being with me as I’m not Nigerian and he didn’t know if he could live happily without his families acceptance.
We basically moved in together within a month or two but now I am planning to go home again after the lockdown as we have been arguing a bit and I’m feeling very anxious and he generally likes his own company and says he needs space.
He’s got an ex girlfriend back in Nigeria from about two years ago that he is still in contact with and they have regular phone calls and she calls him baby in messages. I have said how that makes me uncomfortable that she’s calling him that still so he said he would speak to her about it. He says that they will never get back together as she is in Nigeria and he is in Britain. Every time I have asked him something about her he has answered honestly and I know he’s a very genuine man and wouldn’t lie to me.
I still constantly worry that he is talking to her (which I don’t want to tell him to stop as he says they’ve known each other for 15 years) and what’s actually going on between them. I try to tell myself that he is an honest guy and he wouldn’t ever cheat or do anything to hurt me but then the irrational side of me is still panicking.
Recently we have been arguing because I’m asking questions because I’m insecure about it and sometimes I start arguments with him because I’m insecure about the fact he doesn’t know if he can be with me long term. I don’t want to feel this anxiety anymore because I know he’s a good guy and doesn’t want to hurt and I know I’ll push him away if I carry on this way.
When I’m single I’m very independent but as soon as I get a little bit into a relationship I start to feel anxious about losing them or them not wanting to be with me anymore.
29 April 2020
I am in a 2years & few months relationship I love love her so much that she means everything to me & and I always feel so insecure ……. But I can’t stay without her around me I want to learn to stay without her, while I still love her unconditionally.
I liked this article and this was really useful. Thank you so much. Actually I am in a long distance relationship so I always have a fear of losing him. But I don’t express my feelings to him coz I feel he would get hurt when say those things. I was feeling so depressed and not able to even concentrate in my daily routine. I am doing my higher studies so he feels that he is disturbing me so he gives some space to do my work. But if am not able to communicate with him I feel so worried and depressed. Now I feel some what relieved by reading ur article. Thank you 🙂
I still feel the fear and unable to concentrate in my studies. Do u have any solution to solve my problem? Plz..i just want to shine in my studies but his thoughts are haunting my mind 🙁But I love him so much. But 1st I must be good in my studies but his thoughts are haunting me.. He also wants me to study and supports me a lot.
I been with this guy for a week, it may seem fast but it been so hard. I really loved this guy he everything I wanted. We both have so much in common I am just scared he going leave me for someone better. We are doing long distance, he from California and I am from texas. I don’t know if he is cheating on me, I won’t know since I am not there with him. I think about him a lot. I need help to get rid of this anxiety i been sick literally like crap. Everything hurts physically and mentally
I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half now, and things have been great. He has been the person who picked me up when I was sad, the person who was always by my side, the person who I knew would be there for me through everything. I recently just found out his parents do not like me. I have never done anything for them to have this will towards me, but I am just now hearing about this. He loves me very much,and I know that bt once I heard about his parents, I have doughty so much. “will he stay with me” “there going to turn him from me” “they think I’m not good enough”. These thoughts have haunted my mind. He says that he still loves me and that nothing is changing but everyday the conversations get shorter and the “love energy” seems to fail. I love him very much. my mind could just be getting the best of me. It most likely is. I have no said this to anyone and this si the first time this has been said. He supports me through everything, he is my right hand. my thoughts are raging, hopefully this will pass..
I’m sorry this is so poorly butchered and typed out, I accidentally pressed post before rereading.
Hi I have had a thing with one guy now 1week we too have much in common but I got very bad anxiety and I feel ill and it aches everywhere, I think I need to stop this thing with him he was everything I wanted, I told him about my anxiety and fears but he just got angry and told me things that annoyed him in me, so my anxiety got even worse he still wants to be with me I think and cares for me but sometimes I even get anxiety when he messages to me, I fell like going crazy and im afraid that this feeling is not gonna go away even if I stop this thing, I just wanna know where this come from what is the cause and why he triggers my anxiety or this.
Riya I think you should tell him about your anxiety and fear if he , if he reacts badly .. I thin everyone deserves someone who understands or tryes to understand them, then you get your answer from him, Im kind of same kind of situation but I told him little allready
How do you differentiate between ROCD and Relationship Anxiety?
Hi I’ve been in a 5 month new relationship with a girl that was going amazing but has recently taken a bad turn over the last month as she started talking about her mental health and that she wanted time and space. I fully supported her but this is where I went wrong and after not giving her enough space and saying the wrong things the relationship has been put on pause due to my recently anxiety and being super clingy. I was never like this at start of the relationship but when she started wanting space and pulling away I got overwhelmed and I’m turning into someone I’m not which scares me. I just have started giving her the space needs but my anxiety is still there and I’m scare that I’m gonna do the wrong thing Again. Some help and advice would be amazing and would really help
im a young male who gets panicked and anxious about my girlfriend getting hurt or into a sexual situation when she goes out to parties. what should i do. we’ve been together for 2 years and i know she wont do anything but its the people shes with that im worried about
Hi I just met a guy for 4 months and recently we became bf and gf. He is caring and loving towards me and treats me well. I know I like him also but I get too excited about our new relationship to a point I couldn’t sleep well like only 4 to 5 hrs a day. Taking naps during the day. I feel that my health is important and because of the sleeping issues, I’m planning not to see or contact him until the end of the week Friday, just so I can calm myself down to catch up on some sleep, but I don’t want our relationship to drawback because we are doing quite well. What to do? How to have a good sleep even with a sweet relationship that excites me?
Hey all. I am in a 3yr long relationship. We’ve been friends for 5yrs now. The thing is we’re in long distance relationship since 2 and a half years. We barely get to talk as he is mostly busy bcz of his schedule. Honestly speaking I haven’t been that busy in this whole time. And I know somehow that makes sense of me being anxious. But as this corona is on we aren’t able to meet or talk on call. So the last time when I heard his voice over phone call, I got really anxious as he didn’t know that I was on call too (con. call). And same thing happened recently, when I saw him near my house. He came to visit his friend and I saw him as his friend is my neighbor. I got anxiousss like reallly really. I don’t know how to cope up with this one
This article is so helpful. I can 100% recognise the inner thoughts I am having. I will be more aware of this and Become the confident/independent woman again instead of keep being scared of loosing my partner and ending up wrecking it.
I’ve been with a guy for a year now, he was an old boyfriend 15 years ago and we were just young and having too much fun back then. I saw him again after all this time as I was about get a divorce. He was still living home with his gf of about 15 years. Needless to say from the day we saw eachother again, we were romantic and fell in love all over again. As the year has gone by and the ex found out and my soon to be ex husband it caused a lot of stress and anxiety in the relationship. He at one point in the beginning was thinking of going back bc he has a daughter w her. But he was building a new home and so continued to do so and have me in his life. I am now a secret to the ex and daughter and noone knows about me, he told them he wasn’t seeing me anymore. So I have to hide from everyone when we are together, he hasn’t been around my 2 kids and I am always suspicious he talking to other women. I found out he had taken a women to a hotel a few months back and have seen some comments and heard he was in dating sites, but that he has since deleted them. I love him, but the constant stress and anxiety or hiding and not coming together and worry when he is working is completely ruining everything. Someone please help. I feel like I need to get out of this relationship. I just feel so alone now, getting divorced and now this. I wanted this to work more than anything.
I feel like that’s just deep rooted misandry honestly
I was in an almost one year relationship with my boyfriend when I broke up with him. I thought I wanted to be single but we ended up getting back together, breaking up a few more times. After our last breakup we spent time apart and he started talking to another girl. We’ve recently reconnected and I’m very anxious and nervous for him to leave me. I did not handle getting broken up with well and I don’t want to go down that spiral again. He insists that us being together is what he wants and always reassures me when I doubt it. How can I just accept what he is saying and not feel so anxious all the time? I regret my decisions and I’m so scared to get hurt.
I have known a guy about 6 months now but we have only met up 4 times because of my decision. Every day he tells me he loves me, every day he is reassuring my anxieties but I watch and observe. Yes some is my malicious thinking but this guy has a past of relationships, its no wonder when you see him. My first meeting he had about 5 phone calls all of which he didn’t answer, when I questioned it he said why would I when I am with you that it was his daughter phoning. On our 4th date I slept with him he said he’d text me later but didn’t it was 5 o’clock the following day and I eventually replied 2 hous later as I was so annoyed. He didn’t respond until I said right you got it once by that time it was 11pm. I haven’t gone back to him but he is constantly pursuing me (I promised to not block him again) telling me he wants me in his life forever I am the last one. I even asked him to stop the drama because he was telling me he has no life without me in it. I’ve even asked him did he work in whats app because he was constantly on it but I’ve stopped looking. I’ve told him he’s flaky because I simply could not rely on getting him on the phone but why why does he keep persisting I would love it to be true. I am riddled with anxiety in general with any guy and I am the worst for self doubt I also feel that to be with him I’d have to be with him all the time just because lack of trust and that does not suit me when I am such an independent person part of me does not want to jeopardise my independence but to be with him in a healthy way (have both) Is this just too obvious that my anxiety is real or am I over thinking because I know I am an over thinker. Is it worth all the stress to be with him.
ive read some of the storys down here and I am nowhere near as deep into a realationship with my boyfriend but I do hv the same level of anxiety when anything abnormal arises, he always jokes around saying we need to have a chat and then calls me cute or something but I get to the point of tears when that happens sometimes, we broke up because he felt the need to figure some stuff out in his personal life and then we got back together though ive tried explaining to him my anxiety with us and he tells me he understands but then he goes and says that hes unsure about us again and needs some time to figure things out, needless to say I am so tired and confused and I feel like my head hurts all the time, ranting like this feels good:)
There’s this boy i like. He told me he likes me as well but the thing is I’m terrified of losing him by entering a relationship. The anxiety only got worse. Before I met him I convinced myself I would never find someone who understands me and wouldn’t try to change me and hes the first one who’s done that. I even told him last night I couldn’t believe he was real. I don’t know what to do. Its been too long that I’ve been scared like this. We talk every day maybe I need space from him to get my feelings together.
I had met one of my friends girlfriend about 10 years ago and from day one I fell for her I watched her get hurt cheated on pushed around and cry for many years.. I had told her how I felt about her and finally she had enough now we are dating and things are progressing very quickly we have found that we are in love and things couldn’t be better but when it came down to making love I was so nervous I just can’t stop thinking about if I’m going to mess this up so things work then don’t work if you get what I’m saying.. I have talk to her about this but feel so bad! Everything goes good till the moment we make love and then I start thinking again I’m not sure how to handle this and never have had this problem before and maybe you could use a little advice
I am lost. Being a single parent I didn’t date until my son went off to college. I am now 8n my early 50s and have been dated a few times in the past 3 years. 6 months ago I met the man of my dreams. He was perfect, a true gentleman. 30 days later he changed but I had already fell in love with him. Needless to say he hurt me emotionally. I had never been hurt that bad. He keeps have digital relationships with other women. 6 months later it is on again, off again. We recently got back together after not talking for 2 months. I know he’s still doing it but I am completely in love with him. Our minds also seem to be connected like I’ve never felt before. I can be thinking about how he is going to hurt me again and he’ll text me within seconds “ok, care to share?” Before we got back together I was on a dare and the man kissed me….all I could feel was ex and actually thought it was him. A week later he told me he felt my presence and how it felt like I had my arms wrapped around him. I want to back off but I have never been in love like this. Please, any suggestions!!
Hi so I have read this and honestly I know your right cause I’m currently going through this with my partner , I think that you have said it correctly/perfectly it was understanding
Thank you .
I was in a relationship we’re the woman left me becouse she was scarried of getting hurt.i want nothing more then to never hurt her. How do I get her to stop running from her feeling and just stop and talk to me .
I would do just about anything to save what I’ve found. I don’t know how to save what we have . I know is that o have to becouse she is all I want in a partner
Ive been with my partner 10 months now. My relatio ship before awful, 18yrs of mental abuse id had enough & finally left. Ended up back with my childhood sweetheart, 20yrs ago we drifted apart after me falling pregnant at 14, havin her at 15, 11 months later we had a stillborn son & just drifted apart. I never stoped loving him & when he messaged me it just all felt right too start again. Our relationship is amazing, he goes above & beyond for me, dosnt keep his hands off me, kisses me constantly, tells me im amazing & sexy stuff ive never had before. But still in my head im terrified hes gonna leave again. Its constant thoughts that hes gonna find someone better, he tells me theres no one better than me. But my head just wont stop. We have holidays booked, wedding plannin but nope my heads convinced its all gonna end & im not gonna get all this love & attention ever again. I just dont know what too do anymore. I feel my heads going to ruin it all.
I need some help everyone, what can I do?
I was seeing a lady that I love so very much for about 3 years (but found it hard at times to show her this, I have some trust issues from the past).
I was deeply happy and content and did believe she loved me very much also.
Late last year I had some mental health issues that I did not manage well at the time (I struggled to do anything or even get out of bed some days and this made me angry and I snapped at her at times).
There was never anything physical and I would never hurt her in that way but it caused a rift between us and she moved out, we tried to stay friends but it was a bit difficult with how I was.
I finally got the help I needed from counselling and my head is in a far better place now and certainly beyond the mental illness / stress I had at the time.
I did the stupid thing that lots of people do and bombarded her with emails and texts asking for forgiveness and to give me a chance now ok and to see me again, which I know was the wrong thing to do and she blocked me on text and that.
I know deep down she is still very much in love with me and certainly doesn’t want to be on her own, she just doesn’t want to be hurt again.
I kept emailing her and she just said leave me alone and I never want to see or hear from you ever again and that resulted in two police visits now asking me to stop contacting her.
What do I do?
I’m very much in love with her and I know deep down she still loves me. I don’t want miss this one chance in a lifetime to be with someone I love so very much and I know we could have a fantastic life together.
But I’m told if the police come back again for a 3rd time, I will get charged this time.
What can I do?
Hi, I’m hoping someone would give me some advice. I was in a brand new relationship, that just started on January 2nd, 2022. purely friendship, but there were definitely feelings on both sides. Two mature females 55 and above. I was single before this person approached me, used to be a co-worker, I had since retired, and that’s when I heard from her. She told me she felt a spark before I left work, after I winked at her, which was totally innocent, didn’t even realized i did that. Anyway to make this a bit shorter, we got together a within the Month and half about 6 times to go shopping together and lunch, dinner etc. I would drive her home after each outing and she would give me a hug and kiss on cheek. She would call me every day on her breaks and at night we spoke for hours, i’m talking for hours at a time, sometimes 4-5 just talking about random things and laughing so hard we’d be crying. Then all of a sudden she had turned on me, said she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, said these hurtful things to me, that I was a liar, can’t trust me, control freak, etc. She was having issues at work about it being messy and complained to main boss, the main boss was coming to do a surprise visit, when my friend got to work the supervisor said to her oh by the way Big boss is coming today. My friend new I had been at the store the day prior to return my shirts and talk to my ex co-workers, she thinks I gave them a heads up about the visit. and said I betrayed her. I did no such thing, I would never had done that. So now I’ve lost this person that I really became to care for, and her me, so she said. But speaks ugly of me via texts message now. BTW: our conversations were usually about her, she would send me pictures of herself and wanting me to comment on them about how pretty she was. I feel that she may have had some narcissistic behaviors, but not sure how to handle this hurt i’m feeling now. Just to have someone end something so abruptly like this, leaves me wondering what the heck?? Please any input would be appreciated. Thank you, Ruthann
I’ve been with my partner on and off for 6 years and got married June of 2021. We been having communication issues and she feels I don’t give her enough “mind stimulation” deep conversations. When she talks to me about certain topics about us I would shut down and not speak. I feel like I’m stuck in my head so much and can’t give her information and just give her “I don’t know” response. I really don’t know what to do my anxiety is so bad and getting depressed because I feel like I’m losing my wife.
I have read this great article and every comment. It like all the comments are from Anxious attachment style people or sometimes called love addicts.
People please do not abandon yourself when you get in a relationship, you are important too!
You have to give room and space for the relationship to grow, you cannot smoother the relationship.
Also when you are so overly attached it is hard to think clearly. Work on yourself first, remember, healthy people find other healthy people, dysfunctional people find other dysfunctional people.
Hi, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend and honestly after my pregnancy my body changed and I don’t work anymore I lost my independence and reading all of this I can relate to it, I’m not happy with myself. I’ve lost myself along the way and it’s affecting my relationship, sometimes I think about taking a break but I don’t know if it will help us or end us. I love him so much but I don’t love myself anymore I genuinely hate myself and if it wasn’t for my son I think I would’ve ended myself a long time ago. I know this isn’t me I know I’m better than this but I’m just stuck in this deep hole trying to climb out but every time I try to climb out something just yanks me back down. It feels like I’m in deep water trying to swim to the light but keep sinking in.
Hey I was hoping to just write whatever I’m feeling right now and hopefully receive some advice on it.
Okay so a little back story. I have been dumped multiple times by guys whom I feel have ruined my own perception of myself. They have left me questioning myself and doubting each of my choices. After going through that mess, I told myself that if the next partner that I have were to break up with me, I would probably stop trying to find love (I do love pretty hardcore). After a few months of staying single, my current boyfriend showed up in my life. I was very cautious, hoping to not blow it once again.
It has been a year and a few months now and the terrible feelings are back again. As my exes have cheated on me in the past, I do not feel fine whenever my boyfriend goes out at night and doesn’t respond to my text messages. It’s probably also because he understands that I am someone who thinks alot so why doesn’t he respond? He will only respond the next day and I am starting to lose the trust that I have for him. I don’t know if this is my fault or equally his because why would I have uneasy feelings if he would just tell me where he is? I know that it sounds very childish but I feel that it is due to all the relationships that I have had. How do I trust him more? Should I be worried? I don’t know what to do anymore.
reading this article has helped me so much. I thought i was going crazy. to figure out what was wrong with me i googled “why am i so in love with love but get nauseous and dont like the person anymore when i get in a relationship with them.” this was the first thing that popped up. it spoke about thing that i didnt even realize i do/did and let me know im not alone in this. i thought i was messed up. now that i know the actual words for it, im going to be researching more about this. i want to change before getting into another relationship.
Hi my name is Bob, and I have been in a relationship for less than 5months. we mostly argue but somethings most of the arguments is just for us to sit down and take but my partner finds it difficult to give us the opportunity to do so. One day she told me she doesn’t trust me anymore for no reason my process to hide out made me say things i didn’t have to say which she was hurt. what i really needed was for us to sit down and talk like two adult but she never gave me the chance and all she did was to break up with me without telling me my wrongs and also allow us to settle this. i love her so much and i don’t even know what to do. i have tried everything possible to try settle this issue and she is just telling me lets be friends. please whats should i do?
I’ve just got in a relationship on the 28th
I said yes because i couldn’t live without him
I know somehow i love him i feel like hugging him, kissing him, telling him cutesy stuff and everything that happens in my day
Still i sometimes feel like i have no feelings for him and I’m just forcing myself to be with him
I’ve never been in a relationship and now i feel like i should be alone because i would not feel this for the right person. Apparently I’m also scared this wont last long.. my uncle’s an astrologer and he told me something about my love life and since then I’m just thinking he’s not the right one, maybe i dont have feelings
I’ve also spent nights crying what if he’ll abandon me 🙁
I really want to feel loved and love him but i just cant i’m unable to altho i do feel it and see it but the anxiety takes over and i feel like distancing myself from him :/
My partner and I have been having huge problems in the bedroom, it’s like he is scared of me, and that is putting me off soo much!! I need a man in control a man to swear me off my feet, not a man that makes me feel like he is a boy, he doesn’t feed my mind!! I am a very mental type person and need the extravagant wild and a mind that makes me think, I have always needed a very good and intriguing conversation to get me into bed, I’m finding it so hard! I love him and care about him but he is no longer turning me on, what wild you call this? I don’t know what to do about it anymore, I always feel like he’s mother instead of a Girlfiend. I’ve known him for 10 years, we got involved maybe not at the right time, I don’t know what to do anymore I honestly don’t feel like having sex with him anymore it’s become so boring it’s just not interesting to me anymore. I love him but I need to feel like a women.