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Why Do I Hate Myself?

I hate myselfFor most of us, the expression “you are your own worst enemy” holds a lot of truth. It’s a painful reality that much of what limits us in our lives is our own feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred.

But where do these feelings come from? How do they influence us? And how can we push past them to live a life free of the harsh attitudes of our inner critic?

“I hate myself.” – What is the Critical Inner Voice?

In their research, psychologists Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone found that the most common self-critical thought among a diverse population of subjects tested is “You are different from other people.” Most people see themselves as different, not in some positive or special way, but in a negative sense. Even people who seem well-adjusted and well-liked in their social circles have deep-seated feelings of being an outcast or a fraud.

This feeling about ourselves is common because every person is divided. As Dr. Robert Firestone has described, each of us has a “real self,” a part of us that is self-accepting, goal-directed and life-affirming as well as an “anti-self,” a side of us that is self-hating, self-denying, paranoid and suspicious. The anti-self is expressed in our “critical inner voice.” The critical inner voice is like an internal coach negatively commentating on our lives, influencing how we behave and how we feel about ourselves. It’s there to undermine our goals: “Who do you think you are? You’ll never be successful!” It’s there to undercut our accomplishments: “This won’t end well. Sooner or later you’re going to mess up.” It’s there to sabotage our relationships: “She doesn’t really love you. You shouldn’t trust her.” It’s even there to criticize those close to us: “Why does he even hang out with you? There must be something wrong with him.” Finally, this voice can seem self-soothing, coddling us yet encouraging us to act in ways that our self-destructive, then punishing us for messing up: “Go ahead, have that second piece of cake. You’ve had a rough week you deserve it.” Later, it will fire with comments like: “You’re such a fat loser. How could you mess up on your diet again?”

While it may seem unnatural to view ourselves through this outside lens, we all possess this critical inner voice. For many of us, this thought process is so engrained that we hardly notice when it arises. Instead of recognizing this voice as the destructive enemy that it is, we mistake it for our real point of view, and we believe what it tells us about ourselves.

“Why do I hate myself?” – Where Our Critical Inner Voice Comes From

inner critic ecourse CIV“I hate myself” is a sadly common critical inner voice that people of all ages struggle with. Where then, do thoughts like these come from? What Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone have found in their research is that these thoughts originate in negative early life experiences. The way we are viewed growing up and the attitudes directed toward us shape how we see ourselves. Harmful views directed at us by parents or other influential caretakers are internalized to make up our self-image. Just as our parent’s positive attitudes toward us may lead us to develop self-esteem and confidence, their more critical attitudes can promote just the opposite.

The point here is not to blame parents. However, it’s important to realize that no parent, or person for that matter, is perfect. Parents face a difficult struggle when they have children, as painful feelings arise from their own past. They may therefore react inappropriately or critically toward their children in moments of stress. Moreover, the critical feelings parents have toward themselves often come across to their children and are then internalized by the child. For example, if we had a parent who often acted like we were a nuisance, constantly quieting us or even just feeling tense in our presence, we may take on a feeling about ourselves that we are a bother. We may become overly shy or apologetic in our adult lives, quieting ourselves in our careers or taking a submissive position in our relationships.

“How does hating myself affect my daily life?” – The Effect of Your Critical Inner Voice

As adults, our critical inner voice impacts us in a variety of ways. We may adapt to it by treating it like a coach and listening to its destructive advice. When it repeatedly tells us we are worthless, we may choose friends and partners who treat us as if we are worthless. If it tells us we are stupid, we may lack confidence and make mistakes we wouldn’t make otherwise. If it tells us we aren’t attractive enough, we may resist putting ourselves out there and seeking a romantic relationship.

When we listen to our inner critic, we give it power over our lives. We may even start to project these critical thoughts onto others. We run the risk of starting to perceive the world through its negative filter. This is where paranoid and suspicious thoughts enter the picture, as we start to question or criticize people who see us differently from how our voice sees us. For example, we may struggle with positive acknowledgment or feedback, as it contradicts the ways we perceive ourselves. We may have trouble accepting love, as we fail to challenge our inner critic. While this voice is painful, it is also familiar. It’s been engrained in us since early childhood, and we therefore often struggle just to recognize it, much less challenge it.

“What can I do to stop hating myself?” How You Can Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice

To stop our cycle of self-hatred and live free from imagined limitations, we must learn to challenge our inner critic. Overcoming our critical inner voice is the first step in a process of differentiation described by Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone in their book The Self Under Siege. The book describes the four steps of differentiation, starting with breaking with the destructive thoughts and attitudes you’ve internalized toward yourself. Voice Therapy is a process that can be used to help people identify and challenge their critical inner voice. The process involves developing insight into the sources of these critical thoughts, then answering back to these attacks with a more compassionate and realistic point of view toward yourself.  The next step is to challenge the destructive behaviors that the critical inner voice encourages you to engage in.
The second step of differentiation involves challenging negative traits in yourself that are imitative of your parents or other important figures in your development.  If you had a bossy or demanding father, for example, you should try to challenge ways that you yourself are controlling in your life. The third step of differentiation involves giving up the patterns of defense you formed as adaptations to the pain you experienced in your childhood. We may have formed these defenses as a form of protection as children, but these thoughts and behaviors can hurt us in our adult lives. For example, if you felt intruded on as a kid, you may have grown up seeking isolation or keeping to yourself for fear that you will be intruded on by others. You may thus avoid close relationships or harbor fears of intimacy. When we hold on to destructive adaptations from our past, we tend to suffer from lower self-esteem. We may struggle to feel like our true selves when our actions are so heavily influenced by our history.

Thus, the final step of differentiation involves figuring out your own beliefs, values and ideals. How do you want to live your life? What are your aspirations for your future? When we separate from our inner critic, we are far better able to get to know our real selves and to lead our lives with integrity. We can take actions and steps that reflect our wants and desires, which gives our lives unique meaning. As we pursue this goal of becoming our true selves, we may experience an increase in anxiety or an influx of critical inner voices. However, if we persist in challenging this internal enemy, it will become weaker and we can free ourselves further from feelings of self-hatred and start to live a more fulfilling existence.

 

24 comments

  1. I feel like this is what I am going through now. A few years ago my brother died from substance abuse. There were a lot of things my brother never worked through which perpetuated his addiction and caused his death. I felt a weigh me removed from the shoulders when he died. But I realize I need to work on unresolved issues I had not (lets be real have not) let go of. When he died I lost 98lbs and I gained 24lbs back. I know I have sabotages myself but I could not figure out what it was. Also I noticed I have a hard time letting people get close to me. I figure why because they do not care about me and they are just going to let me down by leaving. I have to realize that I can not change over night and I have a the capability to change. I am not worthless or hopeless.

    • I’m sorry that you struggle with this, but I am glad to hear that you acknowledge that you are able to get better and that you aren’t worthless. I wish you luck in your journey of self acceptance/love.

  2. hey im nikki and googling ‘why i hate myself’ has changed my life. I’m fifteen and have major issues with self image. i have a lot of problems in my home life, and ive never felt much like a part of the family. everyone makes me feel insignificant, and a lot of people put me down. after my mum suggested weight loss surgery to me i broke inside. its been two months since ive had it done and i regret it so bad. ive lost weight, but wasnt really fat in the first place. i wish i could just love myself and not take in what they say. im constantly criticised. im told that im always sad, always acting hurt. well thats because im constantly being hurt. im starting to recognise my inner critic. she’s a real bitch :)… but in all seriousness i can’t blame anyone. thanks for kinda making me realise why i am the way i am. im not going to apoligize for everything anymore. I’m going to encourage myself and love myself. thanks.

    • Nikki,
      What your mom did is ATROCIOUS! Its child abuse! I can not believe that any doctor would allow a parent to give weight loss surgery to their child!! Do not let your mom do what my mom did to me… Leave you feeling worthless and unloveable. It is commendable you are seeking help for this, and nipping this bad habit of self depreciating inner
      voice to become a lasting habit. Remember to love yourself and stick up for yourself… Just because these people are trying to make you feel bad about yourself ,because they are projecting their self hatred,
      Doesn’t mean it has to be a vicious cycle. Break that cycle and don’t let those hateful people rent space in your mind!

      • I am from India I have a dream since my childhood,,to persue MS and settle in foreign,,but when I was in 12th standard I felt love for one guy and we are still together(10yrs) He doesnt want to go to foreign so I didtn went for MS…recently our marrriage has been fixed but my dream is still not filfulled <,i am feeling most unlucky person in this world..I told my partner that I want to go to foreign lets go and settle there..he is saying if u wil not go there wll your life end why are u so stubborn on going there,,unless you act being so stubborn and acting as if there is no life unless u go there I wil not take you there..
        Its the only dream i ever had and he is not allowing me to fulfill my dreams which is making me more depressed,,its effecting out relationship also,,i am not happy right now.
        what shal i do,,how to let go of my dreams and live happily,,please helpf

        • Your bf is in fact horrible. He should at least give out as if you were to go it would be over. Follow your dreams but 10 years being in a relationship is hard to let go of and go after your dream that you’ve been trying to pursue. I just find more ways to convince you bf how seriously and desperately you want to go. Do anything to make whatever dream happen

      • good grief, two sides to every tale.

  3. Aloha im anuhea and i am such a confused person. There is points in my life where i am like why try and that has actually been my way of thinking for the past 6 years. I have never been able to see anything positive about myself, i was never able to get close to anyone… not even friends, i truly believed tht im stupid for living and i keep messing up on anything in life. For some reason i always look at the negative side of things.. in any situation. N i hate it because i see myself bringing down other people and it hurts me to see that im hurting other people, i never thought anyone would care bout what i had to say. N its funny bc that was probably the only time they heard what i had to say. But im done with all tht BS. Im done with filling my head with negative thoughts, im done thinking im not good enough for anything. Ill just keep on thinking positive as well as challenging my inner critic!

  4. I’m 30, a mom of two Beautiful children a wife to one awesome man. I do what I love for a living -my life is a dream come true. I’ve had issues in the past with my parents (more on that later) but I’ve learned to forgive them and we now have a great relationship…so why do I hate myself so damn much? it seems juvenile but I feel so desperate that I googled it and came across this article. Glad I did. But my chest is still heavy. Every thought, every decision, every interaction is an anxiety attack. It took me a long time to trust my husband not to make the same mistakes my father did, but even now I don’t believe he thinks I’m beautiful but I can’t pinpoint why being beautiful in his eyes weighs so heavily on me. When I eat I make bad decisions and this is the part the contributes to my self destructive tendencies. I tell myself healthy food is not delicious even though I KNOW this is what my body needs but inner critic is an asshole and more than often wins the debate. The thing is I’m a great debator. Iam great in business and I’m assertive when need be, I have a great professional life. But its my self image that struggles. When my two selves debate, the inner critic is a louder voice because now I figure it echoes the many opinions that were inflicted on me in the past. I’m the daughter of a ‘well known man in the community’ (let’s just say) so growing up we always had to portray perfection. So every negative opinion aired about my outfit or my weight or whatever was very much taken to heart. It was pressure on my parents too. The meanest thing my mom said to me was that the only thing beautiful on me at the time was my hair. It was wrong. But that mom is different now too and I’ve forgiven her for that but of course the words can’t be unsaid. What scares me is how I’m affecting my daughter. She sees me look at myself and sigh. I’m aware of my self destructive nature so I don’t vocalize any self criticism. But its there. After reading this I’m also paranoid how I might be affecting my kids, what they’ll take away from their childhood and how I’m royally screwing it up. Boo. I need to change.

  5. I must admit I’m completely screwed up… And I’m not sure how to fix it.

    Imagine for a moment how it would feel if every day, five to ten people (or more) that were your peers told you they don’t like you, or maybe they let you know that they don’t like you in some obvious way…

    Every day…

    For years… (and it’s during the most important years, your childhood)

    How would that influence your behavior and your thinking? How long would it take for you to accept their opinion is the valid way people actually “think” about you and that any positive opinions are not accurate?

    This can be how it is for the “unpopular kids” at school…

    And it is was what it was like for me…

    Never fitting in, always on the outside, even when I was included I “knew” it was only to set me up to be excluded again…

    A sample exercise of how to feel worthless that I can share: imagine how it would feel to have my memory of the “kickball” game organized by my teacher for our class to play.

    You know about the whole “picked last” thing?

    How about each team arguing against having to pick you at all? Not picked last, but instead not picked at all?

    What about watching those teams negotiate with each other about what they will do so neither side will have to let you play with their team…

    And when it happened, the teacher didn’t have ANYTHING to say to the class for doing this…

    In the end, I remember being “allowed” to to not have to play… (I wan’t allowed to leave the eye sight of the “teacher” but I didn’t “have to play”)

    And it’s not like I’m in a wheel chair or that I ever was… I don’t want to reveal too much about me but I’m a currently soldier in the US Army… And I have always been as physically capable, or more capable than my “peers” when I was in school… (i.e. I’ve done the whole “introspection thing” but I haven’t identified how any of my actions or behavior encouraged this – maybe my intrinsic worth?)

    But because of this experience, and many others that are similar, I “know” because of the behavior of the other students towards me that I must be a terrible person… After all, they wouldn’t have treated me that way if it wasn’t true and when they were doing it it was based on their honest feelings and opinions – we were all too young to have any kind of guile or motive behind our behaviors.

    So… I learned when I was young I must be worthless, and now that I’m older, even when people indicate somehow that I’m not, I can’t help but thinking the positive thoughts are not genuine because it’s a crafty manipulation rather than genuine feeling.

    And YES!!!

    I KNOW this is crazy!!!!

    But, It’s not something I know how to fix…

    I can understand intellectually what people tell me, as an example: where I work we are rewarded for our positive contributions with awards or incentives… so every time I am given an award or a performance bonus – I understand intellectually that this is a positive statement. But… Emotionally I do not believe they really mean this “compliment” and instead feel it’s only because they don’t want to make me feel bad and that they cynically want the best performance out of me that they do these things, not because they really think I’m really a “good person.”

    The problem is that in my mind I “know” I’m worthless, and every time I receive feedback supporting my belief of “worthlessness” it reaffirms what “I already know” and every time I receive positive feedback that doesn’t support my negative beliefs I think it’s not honest feedback because they don’t want to hurt my feelings…

    The worst part is I know this is screwed up thinking – but I don’t know how to escape it…

    I know I’m not alone in this BUT I really don’t know what to do about it…

    I’d say “help” but it’s not something I can really ask for help with, especially because of my job. In the end I hope posting this, even if it’s anonymous, I really hope it helps me work through my dysfunctional feelings and thinking… (and it wouldn’t hurt if someone were to see this and feel better about themselves because they know they’re not alone in feeling this way)

    • Those playground moments can haunt you for the rest of your life. I remember feeling left out when I was a young kid because I couldn’t run very fast or kick a ball very far, but then I hit puberty and “being left out” by my peers turned into outright abuse. I came from a loving family, but I felt completely alone facing the bullies in P.E. class every day. I dreaded that hour of the day; it was like something out of “The Lord of the Flies.” Now, in spite of my accomplishments as an adult, I still don’t feel good about myself and I think it’s because of all that ill treatment in middle school. Like you said, from a logical standpoint there is no reason to let things that happened 30+ years ago impact my life now, but those negative experiences are deeply ingrained. Best of luck to you in working through it.

    • FemaleFootballHater

      Every little bit of your story is near identical to mine. As a grown-up I know cannot bring myself to understand how gym teachers can continue this vicious “pick and choose” game, seeing how it continuously creates a living hell for the student left behind.. The passive teacher, representing a responsible adult, thus confirms and justifies that “YOU are different, dehumanized, and not worthy of recognition by your peers”. (I believe recruit retired football coaches without a trace of empathy, but that’s just my hypothesis.)

      For me the abuse was not restricted to gym class; I was avoided by my classmates in all situations. In the breaks I would try to stay inside, maybe even hide to avoid having to hang around in the court yard, where everyone could see that I was alone.

      The teachers noticed this, and were concerned. In collaboration with my parents they tried to get me some therapy, so that I would become more like the others (more likable? I still don’t know..). That never happened, but I think it led to a feeling of shame that I never quite let go off. I was the problem, and I couldn’t fix it. Nothing was done to improve the others’ behaviour until the abuse got aggressive (I got spit on and gum thrown in my hair) and I broke down, crying, in the middle of a class.

      The sanctions then enforced were too little, too late, as this was the last year of junior high school, and the assets needed to rebuild confidence and trust in me weren’t available. Luckily, after graduation, I never saw the worst of the bullies ever again. I was later informed that some of them became heroin addicts, which now just fills me with a deep sadness of a system that let down the most troubled of the children. I started high school and meeting a bunch of new kids, unaware of my past, helped me a great deal.

      For some time I thought I had put the abusive years behind me, but as of lately I have become more aware of the insecurities that were created during that time. I face problems today in social and romantic contexts, because I still question myself and my own worthiness, feeling that I don’t deserve the inclusion and love of others. My experiences have left me with a deep feeling of shame for my own existence, and I find myself nearly paranoid in some settings, wishing I was invisible.

      I’m very happy I found this article. Hearing others stories that are similar to mine is reassuring, as we need to build a collective understanding of the fact that we are not guilty of our own self-loathing. That nasty critical voice in the back of our heads aren’t us, but the collective voice of all the unfairness we have been subject to in our lives. It has just been so ingrained in our thinking that we believe it is the “voice of reality”. Properly learning that it is NOT a realistic voice will probably take a lot of time and effort, but this article sparks a hope in me that it can be done. I hope it does so for you and for others with a similar history.

  6. I am lost
    There are lots of things that I love but I have no reason to reach them cause I hate myself
    The worst part is that it’s logical ( of course it’s not whene you love your self) I really have my reasons to hate myself and they are reall they aren’t imaginary
    Any way cause i hate myself I decided to do exactly whatever someone told me to do and punish myself by doing that responsibility with all I have even if it gets me to the hospital or kills me! And I like it, but the truth is that it’s so hard and I am not able to do them in a right way so that made me to think that if I care about myself it might effect my activities in a good way still I can’t stop eating or sleeping so I have to let myself have these things in order to do my responsibilities in the best way. I am scared cause loving myself might be one of them
    I believe there is a reason for my being
    So I want to do what I must for that person that I love cause he worth it ,and even my critical inner voice agrees with that
    Even if it’s loving myself
    But still the tears in my eyes are killing me everywhere I go they are with me and I can’t help it so people start to advise me about my behavior and they keep telling me that I can that I should try to be happy find my goal… Or that you should think of your parents and understand your situation you can’t just waist there hard work
    I am confused these ideas just make me wonder why should I be happy, who said I care about my happiness? I don’t even deserve it! And the second just makes me wish I wasn’t born at all or I wish I would die right now
    I don’t want to be bad and I don’t want to hurt anybody in fact I want to give everything I have for the others but again why should I do as I want?? These ideas come to me when that person doesn’t tell me what to do or when I disobey what he tells me to do
    There’s is fight in me that I am not so bad but my inner voice is the winner
    I am but

    • Jina @ PsychAlive.org

      I am sorry to hear of your pain. It is good you have reached out and good for you to know help is available and things do change. Your feelings are not permanent. If you are interested in learning more about overcoming your inner critic, you may like to read this article on Steps to Overcome Your Critical Inner Voice.
      PsychAlive is not a counseling site, but we can offer resources where you can get assistance 24 hours per day. If you are in the United States, you can call the National Helpline at 800-273 TALK (8255) or visit the Helpline website to online chat. If you live in another country, you can email jo@samaritans.org and visit Samaritans website for help. Do not do anything to hurt yourself and remain safe.

  7. Snares of delusion

    Wow, every sentence of that article strikes a chord with me. It is one sad song.
    Thankyou, it has reinforced and put into words what I was realising about myself. I would like to read the book ‘The Self Under Seige’.

  8. Everyone,

    This is an article of hope! It was a real pleasure to read, and even everyone else’s comments. I have for such a long time endured the bullying that my inner critic has put me through, but this doesn’t have to be a “sad story.” On the contrary, look at it as the most intimate and personal challenge you will ever encounter! This article, and a book that I am reading now, “Psychocyberntics” by Maxwell Maltz, have been helpful; but the only thing that will change the bad habits are yourselves. Go to these sources, and the above-recommended book as inspirations and guides when a real bad time strikes. We all have the up and downs that come with our self-hate; mine is deeply intertwined with depression. But I can see that there are rays of hope shining through the dark abyss that I thought I was in. One day, I’ll come to realize I was only trapped underneath the covers of a tear-stained bed.

    Hope and faith will see you through!
    April

  9. This artical is very well written and I’m sure sheds some light on a lot of people. But for a person such as myself who has low intelligence, terrible trouble having a conversation with people, and horrid self-asteem issues, its only logical that i have this ‘inner critic’. I hate myself because I am who I am and I so badly wish I could leave this body for a new one, a new brain, a new personality. About every work night I go on my phone in my free time and look for forums and articals online for the answer so I could feel an ounce of love for myself, so that the next time a customer comes up and strikes a conversation I don’t act like I’m taking the SATs. My brain shuffles through a laundry list of ‘what to say’, ‘how to say it’, ‘when to say it’ ‘oh my god apologise right now!’. So far its taken my 20 minutes to type this. This doesn’t feel normal. I feel like a normal person would have what they would’ve wanted to say out 18minutes ago.
    A lot of these negative feelings are, like the artical said, stirred from past experiences. In this case, I’ve had family issues, but the biggest impact is from 4th grade an every school year to follow after that. Partly, I brought it on myself because I was highly immature. I would blurt out anything with no filter. Thinking back to those days, I would’ve beat myself up if I were another student. I was called out on my hygiene, for liking pokemon and anime, and everything inbetween. I had friends, and very greatful I did… I realize I am ranting incoherently at this point so I will conclude that my inner critic is not some malevolent voice in me ripping the potential to be a beautiful social butterfly. It is just who I am. No positive thinking exorcises or yoga will change that.

  10. I literally hate everything about myself. I’m nearly nineteen, and i still have the same amount of acne i had when i was 12. Its not severe or anything, its just frustrating because everyone around me has clear skin, and i’ve had to deal with faulty skin for so long. On top of that, im hideous. Im thin, but i hate my body because theres nothing good about it. i’m usually an A student, but i’ve been getting B’s latley, which makes me feel absolutley mediocre. Im not content with my work life, school is taking a toll on me, an all my friends are away at school so i feel alone. I have a close-knit family, but i would never tell anyone how i feel because i feel like they’ll judge me, and think im stupid, infact, i feel stupid for feeling this way, which inturn adds to my self-hatred. In all honestly i dont think theres anything positive about myself, i dont see why anyone would be attracted to me, or be interested in getting to know me. when i’m complimented, i politley thank them, but i’m confused as to why theyre complimenting me. i think theyre either just saying it to be polite, or because they feel bad for me, i never think compliments are sincere. i’m not particularly good at anything, and i dont contribute anything good to anything so, basically im no good. this article helped me realize i need to change my cognitions, and work on self-fulfillment although i dont know how easy that will be. if you take the time out to read this, i appreciate you :-)

  11. You could say that I am a smart person at my school but I’m always left out of things.

    A bunch of people ask me for answers but that’s all they do. Their not friends, just peers and I really hate it. I also sit with 2 people at lunch (everyday) but they talk to only eachother 3/4 of the time.

    I try to be someone who I’m obviously not. My friend has a deviant art and on there she Talks like “Nuu, it’s okei. But Thanksies mah bestie~! And No problemo for da faves~!!! X3″ I try to be like her but it doesn’t work. She’s just too…happy….

    You could say that I’m antisocial but I’m really just a strait up kuudere:
    Kuudere: They are really cold and emotionless, but they slowly open up to their love interest/a person they trust. Kuudere is different from tsundere because tsundere are not emotionless and express their feelings in a more loud,anger-like way. But kuuderes are just quiet and emotionless.

    So yeah…in the start of the school year I was all, “YAY~! Your name is Sammy the cat and yours is baseball head and-” but I made some decisions that I really regret.

    I’m scared of my parents and I made some mistakes the year before. So, I was forces to lie….and one of the lies could have gotten them arrested….I was inside a 7th period and I wanted to quit. I told my parents about it but they kept on bugging me and such…once they agreed, I talked to the teacher and he said that i needed a parent signature. My mind was blank when my mom asked me if I canceled the class yet and so I answered yes when I needed her signature. I didn’t know what to do so I was absent from that period for half of the year. I had an F- and too many absences to count.

    My teacher said that we were going on a field trip and that we were going to do some fundraisers to raise money. We had those 60 chocolate chocolate boxes and I only sold 30 when the deadline was due. It would be a waste to throw it away so I kept the box from the room and I gathered up some money and used that instead. But…I didn’t pay it until 2 months later when ALL of the money for the trip was due.

    A lot of things like these kept on happening this year and I broke. Every time I even thought about my seventh period or my moms face when she saw the chocolates, I broke down right there.

    I know that I’m a liar. But, I don’t know oh to stop. My lies start out small but I never find a way/gather up the courage to put it at ease. And I still hate myself for it.

    I don’t know what to do. I find my self starting to me meaner and meaner when I’m recalling all of those incidents and the dreams that if been having…

    I once was with my class and I went by a pole to be alone and a group of girls told me to sit with them. I didn’t feel worthy, I was less than a water flee.

    I don’t know if this means I’m emo or what. I think that humans are a disgusting species. They lie, hate, and bully so easily, without another thought. But I have mixed feelings on this subject. Just like the article said, we each have two sides, fighting for control over out body. I feel that I’m not worthy to be inside Thai works. To be with all of these beautiful, pure creatures.

    I don’t know myself at all. I start tearing up when I try to put the pieces together. But I’m positive about one thing, I hate being alone. And I think that no creature deserves to be. But……I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m not usually this type of person but I read all of the comments and I find it so terrible…

    • Dear friend ( PUSHIN !!!!!),

      I don’t know who you are but can really empathize with you as am in the same shoes. I’m unable to find the words to let you know how similar we are. I hate hate hate to lie but i lie. The situations and circumstances turn up in a way that i had to lie and this makes me feel so bad.
      I’ve no idea why i don’t behave like my real self sometimes. People around me consider me attractive , intelligent , smart , fashionista. They take my advices and really talk highly about me but none of them take me as a friend. I’ve no friends. I’m alone. I’m unable to put the words across to express my feelings. I hate myself. Usually i read comments and never posted but your above comment made me reply. JUst like you, even i don’t know why i’m writing all this.

      Good luck dear,
      Hugss

    • You sweet girl; You are about 12 or 13 I believe from your tone. Now is the hardest time to be a young teen with the way the world is. I felt the same way when I was your age; I hated myself and didn’t know who I really was.

      As far as the lies you told once you come clean to your parents you will feel a lot better. It’s hard to do; but do it and you will feel a weight off of your shoulders. Everyone makes mistakes; that is what those were. Because you lied doesn’t make you a “liar.” Just try and do different.

      If you want to have a friend BE a friend. You only really need one or two people as friends that you can be yourself, be comfortable around. Find someone you enjoy being around and just be their friend. and know that everything will get better. It really will. I’m 37, married, mother of two girls and I can still remember feeling the way you do now.

    • Hey,

      I have been this way for a long time now. I don’t talk to anyone. No joke. But really, I have a lot to say. I sit in the hallways during lunch when everyone else is talking to their friends. I hear people say pretty mean things about me too. They evidently think that since I don’t talk, I can’t hear… :) Well, I’ve tried a lot of things. But I still think I’m a piece of trash. I lie too. I lie and tell people that I’m okay. I tell people that I have lots of friends. I tell people that I love being alone. And really, I hate it. I hate it so much. It feels like I just want to go up to someone, anyone, and talk. But I can’t cause I know they are just going to use me again. I truthfully hate the person that I have become. One of the things that I hate about school is when they pick groups. I’m always the one who ends up alone. And it’s just torture standing there watching people call out their partners. Because it’s telling that I’m too worthless to be picked. And just like you, I have no idea why I’m writing this
      What good could it do? But still, it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one out there. Thanks :). And if you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to send me an email.
      -Iris

    • Hey, Pushin
      Im with you, even if im adult, i still scare of my parents. I think it is because i known that they’ve got high expectation in me and i cant reach their expectation. Anyway i choose to keep quiet instead of lie…

      The first time i got F from bad behaviour, i didnot try to fix it, i didnot know how to fix it, i scared to reach out to parents, i ran away from teacher when she tried to let me fix it, i felt ashame of myself and scare of how the teacher will look at me or think of me…and time passed until last summer of graduating year. I almost not graduated because of this subject. I cannot remember how it happened but lastly my father and i went to meet teacher together. I’ve got busted!! and my father slapped me so hard in front of the teacher, The situation of that summer went worst and i totally broken thinking that i made my parents disappointed and this incident scarred me for half of my life.
      I never ever picked this topic to talk to anyone because i am ashame to myself…but u know what… one day i just found out that my parents FORGOT all the detail about the incident, ONLY ME remember it. They could remember only that they need to go to meet teacher and i almost not graduated but they cannot remember what i did wrong or even care anymroe about what i did and it just doesnot matter anymore. I, ALONE carried broken feelings for more than 15 years!!
      Well, time passed, my parents forgive and forgot and i think your parents will be the same, they are too busy working. Those bad grades or bad behaviors are not matter anymore. the only matter now is that i could stand on my own or not.
      So, i suggest you to do like this when u face some trouble. Please thinking of urself in future, maybe next week, next month, next year,next 10 year… how this trouble will affect ur life in those time, if u lie to ur parents make u hurt now, how it will affect u in next 10 years and how it will affect them. Is there anyway to fix it. Did u try to says sorry to her yet? It’s worth it.
      Anyway, i have 6 close friends when i was in secondary school, 3 closed friends in high school and only 2 when i was in university, i found myself happy with them even if no one have daviant’s id like me. We had difference hobby but same way of thinking, i suppose. I totally envy young Thai nowaday that people have more openmind about manga, animation and games. Easier to find friends with same interest. If you are not happy with this group, try to join another one until you find one.
      Lastly, I love Kuudere and i consider that i am one, too. but only that i dont think i could be as cute as anime character O.O
      So, try to love yourself and forgive yourself before you will lose 15 years like me. I just try to practise to not hate myself now, too.
      Good Luck!!

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