Deception and the Destruction of Your Relationship

love and deceptionWhen the topic of infidelity spills into our daily dose of media, we may say we saw it coming, or we may react with shock. Either way, we don’t exactly look away. Without even meaning to, we learn details, names, sources and suspicions. Most of us would admit that there is little point in speculating about the ins and outs, agreements and lies, secrets and circumstances of a stranger’s affair, but our fascination with the indiscretions of others should tell us something about ourselves and the world around us.

It’s hard to deny that, as a society, there’s a lot to be examined about the ethics of our own relationships. In the United States, 45 to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship, according to a 2002 study published in Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy. Still, other studies reveal that 90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong. Infidelity is inarguably prevalent, yet it is extensively frowned upon. Given this discrepancy, it is important for every couple to address how they are going to approach the subject of fidelity and to examine the level of honesty and openness in their relationship.

Earlier this week I got a call from a well-known women’s magazine and was asked to explain when it is okay for a woman to lie to her partner. I declined answering the question, for one simple reason: it’s not! Since when did lying become okay? Lying to someone, especially someone close to us, is one of the most basic violations of a person’s human rights. Whatever one’s stance is on open versus closed relationships, the most painful aspect of infidelity is often the fact that someone is hiding something so significant from their partner. Two adults can agree to whatever terms of a relationship they like, but the hidden violation of the agreement is what makes an act a betrayal and an affair unethical. Thus, the real villain behind infidelity isn’t necessarily the affair itself, but the many secrets and deceptions built around the affair.

In the book Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, I cited extensive research on the subject of infidelity and posed the following:

Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity. Deception and lies shatter the reality of others, eroding their belief in the veracity of their perceptions and subjective experience. The betrayal of trust brought about by a partner’s secret involvement with another person leads to a shocking and painful realization on the part of the deceived party that the person he or she has been involved with has a secret life and that there is an aspect of his or her partner that he or she had no knowledge of.

Damaging another person’s sense of reality is immoral. While keeping a relatively insignificant secret from someone you’re close to diminishes that person’s reality, going to great lengths to deceive someone can actually make them question their sanity. It’s true that feeling an attraction or falling in love may be experiences that are out of our control, but we do have control over whether we act on those emotions, and being honest about taking those actions is key to having a relationship based on real substance.

As kids, we are taught that it is wrong to lie; yet as we get older, the lines tend to become increasingly blurred. This is especially the case when we are faced with the challenging conditions that come with intimate relationships. Too often, when we get close to someone, our innermost defenses come into play, and we unintentionally alter ourselves to “make it work.” The baggage we carry from our past weighs heavily on us, and we have trouble breaking free from old destructive habits and harmful modes of relating that distort both ourselves and our partners. When this happens, jealousy, possessiveness insecurity and distrust can cause us to warp and misuse our relationships.

Once a relationship becomes about compromising ourselves or denying who we are, we are no longer living in the reality of what the relationship is but in a fantasy of what we think a relationship should be. An example of this might be a woman whose boyfriend gets so jealous that he forbids her to be alone with other men. Another example may be a man whose partner feels so insecure that she demands to be constantly reassured of his love and attraction to her. Though these couples may go along behaving as if everything is OK, they’ll more than likely begin to resent one another and lose interest in the relationship. This type of restrictive situation can become a hotbed for dishonesty. The woman may lie about time alone she spent with a male friend or co-worker, or the man may lie about an attraction he is starting to feel for another woman.

When we treat our partners with respect and honesty, we are true not only to them but to ourselves. We can make decisions about our lives and our actions without compromising our integrity or acting on a sense of guilt or obligation. When we restrict our partners, we can compromise their sense of vitality, and we inadvertently set the stage for deception. This is not to say that people shouldn’t expect their partners to be faithful, but rather that couples should try to maintain an open and honest dialogue about their feelings and their relationship.

If our partners trust us enough to admit that they find someone else attractive, we might just be able to trust them enough to believe them when they say they won’t act on this attraction. The more open we are with each other, the cleaner and more resilient our relationships become. Conversely, the more comfortable we become with keeping secrets, the more likely we become to tell bigger and bigger lies.

When an affair occurs, denial is an act of deception that works to preserve the fantasy that everything is okay. Admitting that something is not okay or that you are looking for something outside the relationship is information that your partner deserves to know. Emotions sprung from deception (like suspicion and anger) can tear a relationship apart, but more importantly they can truly hurt another person by shattering their sense of truth.

Psychologist and author Shirley Glass wrote in her book Not “Just Friends”:

Relationships are contingent on honesty and openness. They are built and maintained through our faith that we can believe what we are being told. However painful it is for a betrayed spouse to discover a trail of sexual encounters or emotional attachments, the lying and deception are the most appalling violations.

An ideal relationship is built on trust, openness, mutual respect and personal freedom. But real freedom comes with making a choice, not just about who we are with but how we will treat that person. Choosing to be honest with a partner every day is what keeps love real. And truly choosing that partner every day by one’s own free will is what makes love last. So while freedom to choose is a vital aspect of any healthy and honest union, deception is the third party that should never be welcome in a relationship.

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About the Author

Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. Dr. Lisa Firestone is the Director of Research and Education at The Glendon Association. An accomplished and much requested lecturer, Dr. Firestone speaks at national and international conferences in the areas of couple relations, parenting, and suicide and violence prevention. Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice (New Harbinger, 2002), Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003) and The Self Under Siege (Routledge, 2012). Follow Dr. Firestone on Twitter or Google.

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Absolutely brilliant, living through this at the moment, the key is to be yourself and allow your partner to be themselves, that is their true self not the one they fabricated for the relationship.


I Was myself and the jerk said he would (yeah right,) “Call me” which was 4 months ago. I e-mailed the dating service and told what happened to me and they never replied so I cancelled my subscription. Iswore off men they are ALL no good.


Sorry you feel that way! They are like a box of chocolates. Good luck you are gonna need it since 1 guy
Is the representative of all men

Been through this

Unfortunately the vast majority of them if not all are liars. Also, men are never happy with who they have, always wanting lusting after other women. Men are liars period.

Ian Richardson

I have to say woman can be just as bad, ask my masculinity. I have dead inside because of HER lies. I’m a good man with lots of love and now nowhere to put it.

Chump Fool

Really. I’ve been faithful to my wife of 4 years, the percentages are within 5-10% by sex of male female cheating. My wife has conspiared with the mother of my child to take him from me through a corrupt judge. She is not only cheating on me, but with multiple men and I believe has and is prostituting herself. She filed false charges and I’m facing a felony and up to 5 years in jail, and out on 35k bond, now, tell me how all men are bad and how wonderful women are.

jorge salinas

Lord have mercy, I feel for you man! Likewise, I had a rude awakening after 22 years of marriage. My X..wife had been in an affair for the last 5 plus years with her lover. How the hack do women hide such shit. Deceit destroys relationships, especially marriage/family ones. Unfortunately, I guess selfish Scum-Bags also roam the earth, don’t matter if they’re men or women. Life goes on, God bless.

Valarie Mundy

I must agree with Jorge Salinas, there are just Narcissistic scum [ male & female alike) running ramped here on earth. Unfortunately, God [Himself’] will deal with those soulless individuals.
Trust me, I’ve had my share of lying, deceitful, shellfish men that appear / approach me like a “knight in shinning armor” to console and treat me the way I deserve; just to be fooled once again. But, my recent divorce proved to me that God does take care of those sorts of people.

Been through this

Unfortunately the vast majority of them if not all are liars. Also, men are never happy with who they have, always wanting lusting after other women. Men are liars period.

Anything you do that you would not do if your partner were standing there is a betrayal. So that history you erase on your browser? That’s a betrayal.


This just happened to me my wife and b4 we got intament and started a relationship we were best friends for 5 years, I was loyal and honest with her and made she she was always happy however I could we truly were the perfect happ marriage I thought an not even 4 months into our marriage she was cheating on me with multiple partners and was selling photos am videos of herself for money,I came back from snowboarding out of town an caught her I decided to forgive her an felt our friendship an the bond we had was atlesdt worth not giving up but she continued To cheat I got a dui from drinking cuz I got very depressed an went to jail for a month I came out to find another guy living in my house spending the money I had saved driving my vehicle sleeping in my bed etc,and had got my wife strung out on herion an pretty sure was prostituting her for drugs well I still cared for some reason I’ve lost alot of friends to herion so I tried to get her into a rehab an get help an wouldn’t let her leave to get herion so she could detox,wel she called the cops saying I said I’d kill her if she left so agian I went to jail an she.continued to sell herself to get high I ended up getting her evicted I got out an she was still doing that my friends said so I asked if she wanted to get help she agreed so I drove to get her an almost got home went back to jail for suspeny while driving an violation of a no contact order amyway long story short she still sells herself for drugs to this day an it’s been the hardest thing to get through mentally


Wow, I hope you have found someone trustworthy and are happy. Sorry to hear about your case, human being are just messed up people period. We never appreciate what we have until it’s no longer ours.


Women are much better at the player game. That cold hearted lie they can do it without as much as one hair standing up on their body. This article is truly the best advice I have ever read in my life. The truth is the key to creating a strong love fellas and Ladies. Next time you see yourself having thoughts let your partner know you find this person attractive. Of course it’s going to suck to hear and it is also going to be tough to admit but think about it;Now you don’t have to tell another lie to clean up the first one you told. That’s how it always happens. One lie turns into a mud slide of lies. Today’s generation is so messed up they actually think it’s cool to be out here everything they can. Not all but a good majority anyways.Good luck people.


Not at all how I feel about this before I even take all the time and BS about anything I think it’s the truth about everything and honestly and the carnal beings we are having one sexual desire for one person is not real and be happy to see you are going to have a love and compassion bonding that can’t be broken or touched by any body else. Only if you share everything with each other and our contact with other people is going to be making sure we are thinking and want to just work together and have fun with all the fantasies fulfilled and the love comes from there and only have no other way to make you feel about you doing it but only have one that you love all your not going to leave for anyone else but have fun in your life


I am a man that is overly honest overly faithful and tremendously dedicated I’ve been accused of cheating lying and everything else based on my zodiac sign alone or because I’m going through a depressive moment and I can’t function correctly and I need to walk away you know men get a bad rap good men are hard to find dedicated man it’s easy to bounce from woman to woman to woman or lust after this woman or that woman but when you have the one woman that you really truly love then none of it ever matters but there’s other issues there’s outside worldly issues there’s people always in the ear there’s somebody with an opinion it’s hard to get a true and absolute chance in life with a real relationship because there’s so many factors that come into play. Life struggles makes you forget about the relationship at times and then the life struggles become the relationship and then the relationship crumbles and then the most important woman in your life will walk away it has happened to me recently about 2 weeks ago couldn’t take it anymore she had to go get mental health help made me feel devastated made me feel like a monster all I’ve done is dedicate myself to this woman for years dedicated myself everything I put it all on the table it was never good enough I couldn’t break her out of her depression and now we’re drifting in the wind and I don’t know what to do so it’s probably not the best thing to post on here but I need some kind of feedback or help or at least put my story out there because this is painful this hurts and I’m never lied I’ve never cheated and I’ve never been dishonest to this woman ever I’ve been mean and angry and I haven’t been able to contain my stress at times so I’m working on myself to become the best man possible health strength and spirit that’s the best I can do I don’t know if my story helps but I appreciate you taking the time to read this and keep the faith I’m trying everyday is a battle debilitating anxiety from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I can barely move can’t think straight can barely eat still no contact from The One I Love the one I’ve sacrificed for and she’s still listening to other people obviously these people that are telling her that our relationship is no good , this and that when I did nothing but dedicated honorable and financially holding everything together been across the state three different times now I’m finally in college again I have an 8 month course she took off after 3 weeks brand new house beautiful place beautiful yard set up with plants bought her guinea pigs everything just nothing was enough to break the depression anyways I could go on and on I’m sorry thank you for your time


Best Let That Woman GO …At Least have a Break from.One Another …She’s Nuts !


Going through the same thing brother. Nothing but faithful and supportive, was by my wife’s side battling her abusive ex-husband, then after 8 years together she was diagnosed with bipolar. Now she lost a lot of weight and is having multiple affairs. Totally shit on our marriage. She never had a job. I make 6 figures. She thinks she can kick me out of the house for absolutely no good reason. She is so manipulative. We have 2 kids and one from her previous marriage who I consider my own. I am trying to make it work for the sake of the kids but it is destroying me. I hope us good guys can move on from this and find someone who actually loves us for who we are.


Sounds like she’s going through a serious spiritual battle. She has allowed her insecurities, all her worries and depression take over her. I would suggest you pray get her a St. Michael charm necklace and she recite his prayer morning and night. And praying the rosary is also a very powerful prayer also, extremely powerful (you can pray this for her but you have to pray with an open heart) I’ve done it several times for close friends and family and saw the grace of the Spirit upon them. Their attitudes changed, they were happier, they were not worried anymore, they were more prayerful, they actually started reading their bibles. It was amazing, the best thing I did for a friend in need. You can truly see when Jesus has illuminated their hearts.
But to the root of it all, I would honestly begin by taking her to a neurological doctor and have a scan done, OR she’s dabbling in, hate to say, hard drugs. There’s some type of underlying condition that is causing these horrible thoughts and bringing on her accusations and delusions. I’m not throwing out these thoughts to offend you in anyway, but you do want to know why she’s acting in this way. Did she have a past relationship that damaged her self-esteem to where she can no longer trust?


Same goes for women. The woman I was with 12+ years and would have died for treated me like sh! Why I stayed Great sex! I was abused, hit(never once did I hit her I Will not hit a woman) she was arrested in Vegas because Security seen on surveillance camera her hitting me in hallway in hotel, Security came running and stopped her. Cost me 5,000 to bail her out!! She lied constantly, cheated on me and more. I could go on but no need I’m just saying it goes both ways don’t always say it is the Mans fault Your wrong.

M. M. Bilodeau

I think you will find this attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once you believe something is true, you will only be able to find that in the world. The key is to challenge what you believe is true.


Not true I been married for 11 years and not once cheating on my wife, she cheated on me for 11:years lied and my stepdaughter caught her she was 6 when we got married,she will be 18 next month, I had no idea people have been telling me from the start, but had no proof had to take my wife word over theirs lost good friends and my stepdaughter and I confronted her she admitted then to everything, my world is falling apart, but just want you to know that women do it to , 11 years of a fake marriage now I’m to old to rebuild


i met a girl 9month ago in my place of work. we became friends and we decided to go into a relationship. while i was trying to know more about her especially her past relationship, she didnt open up to me. what she told me about her sexul life is that she was rape and i felt so pity for her. i tried as much as i can to comfort her. i told her all will be fine. so, we were having a nice time together and i fell in love with her. i also saw that she likes or perhaps love me too through her body language.

after some month, she travelled to see her parent and i called her just to check on her. i was sulprised after the called she sent me text that ”dom, i am sorry we cant go into a relationship because i have a fiance”. i was shocked when i read the text becuase she never told me this when i ask about her past relationship.

when she came back from her travelled, i asked her why didnt she tell me this, why is it now that i have fallen in love with you. she said they just stop communicating for months and she he saw her wen she travelled..i decided to ask her if she love the guy and she said yes. i also asked her how long she has been engaged and she said 2yrs. i just laugh at it because i knew the guy was trying to hold her with the engagement. i aslo went went further to ask her about her sexual life and she said she only had sex with the guy apart from the abuse of rape. i trusted her words but told her i will let her be since she said she loved the guy.

i just dont know what hapened but we became close more than ever. each time when i visit her appartment, i see different guys even married men coming to visit her as well. at first i overlooked everything but later when i told her if we must be together, then you need limit all this visitation and she said they are just friends.

to cut the long story short, she said so much lies to me which i digested. but what killed my trust for her was when she was flipping through her diary, i decided to checked the diary since she allowed me to flip through it.what i saw in her diary brough cold into me. can you guys beleive she has slept with almost ten different guys in the past when she claimed to have slept with just a guy including her sexual abuse ”rape”. i was very angry with her and i asked her why didnt you tell me this all this while..she said she never wanted me to think bad of her and beiside she slept with this guys before we met. i forgave her but i ws not just comfortable with her sex history because my mind told me she was lying.i was indeed trouble and i asked her to tell me the truth. i asked her to tell me how many guys she slept with behind my back while we were dating, and she said two guys at diffent times. i was emotionally down and i had to travelled because she has betrayed my trust, our love, my time, my attention and my effort in other to make things work.

after some weeks, she told me she was pregnant and was planning to abort the pregnancy. i got her attention because of the pregnancy and i told her not to abort it. i decided to call her frequently becuase of the preg.i am confused because i dont no if she is actually preg. or maybe she is just trying to get my attention. and if she is pregnant as she said, there is 80% assurance that i am responsible for the preg while 20% shows i may not be responsible due to her infidelity. when i ask her questions about the preg, she is not always direct instead she change the subject.i have tried several times to know but she is not sincere. i cant see her to confirm d preg bcos i travelled. i play different tricks just to no how serious she is but she is not just open with me.because i was very angry, i sent her text that ” if you cant be open wih me, then dont call my line again and moreover do whatever you want to do. i cant continue wasting my time around you”. pls someone should advise me.

James . M.A. counseling

Don’t you people ever read the scriptures . IT IS ALL THERE !!! Get out of step with the word God is trying to direct you with and you will fall every time. Don’t go near the harlots door. Disobedience will take you where you don’t want to go and keep you longer than you want to stay and you will leave with extra baggage .


James that is the real truth right there bro!! Keep God first and let the rest of your worries fall into place


Today literally I can 100% say out of everyday I’ve lived my life which is 31 years todays the worst fucking day of my life, finding out all at once the man I spent 15 years with the man I loved more than anything else in the world as well as our three children. Was a miracle the first time I met him I felt like a Cinderella story it was perfect he was so perfect I fell in love pretty much right away love at first sight. I am a very strickted person but he was my idol someone who’s the one I am suppose to live my life with. I believed we were forever he always said we are lovers and best friends forever ♾ and once we commit never turning back. Well he turned he’s back on me and I haven’t had much of a sexual life last few years as he’s cheating satisfying others whilst I’m on heat. I am getting bullied my life story’s been told to everyone my heart hurts to the extent I can’t do it anymore the one I trusted hurt me the most and why would he do this to me I have never felt like this ever in my life knowing my prince 🤴 been with other girls guts me and left me to move away and some other girl caught he’s attention. People say I am obsessive . No if anyone been in love for 15 years they would know it’s heartbreaking after being with someone such a long time had a family together it’s called LOVE! He never loved me he killed me!


I just got out of a long term relationship with a man that did the same thing to me. My heart goes out to you during the time of healing from this abuse that was done to you. Much love, luck, prosperity, peace and comfort to you.


I wish i know what to do.15 years ago i decided to believe her thinking that no person has the capacity to deceive another at such depth.i begged her to tell me if she did sleep with my friend and to consider that my life was at a fool i gave her the benefit of the doubt.i tortured myself for years with her bearing witness to my spiralling only that im mature and married to her with2 kids do i realise that she deceived me.after examining the past again for the millionth time i realise that i put too much trust in others and that people wl deceive even God if they cn get away with dilemma nw is how do i deal with this without hurting my kids

tortured mind

Hi ‘fool’
How are you coping with this situation, I’ve just discovered that my long term gf has been doing the same, for the last 11 years she repeatedly denied being involved with someone I hate, finally she has admitted that she did and it is tearing me apart, I have no children with her and could walk away but I haven’t yet. The details of what she did trouble me so much, it sounds crazy I know but I could accept kinda if it had been a drunken one night stand but it turns out she was totally sober and had sex with him twice in his car over a two month period meaning to me that she actually fancied him! She also lied to me by not telling me she had stopped taking the pill three years ago, I found found a year ago. It makes me feel like I’m a total mug, I’ve stood by her through a lot of illness and now I look back and all I see is a relationship founded on lies.


I just came to know abt the infiedility of my husband eith one of my best friend after 15 years of marriage! I am shattered! And going through such a terrible face! I am scared to face anyone

Michael Wallis

Not sure if you or anyone will see this. But in reply , I too can’t stand to face others and its been because of a twenty year marriage that’s now going on twenty four. That’s with known infidelity for almost four of them. Never a whole hearted dumping of truth . Only shifty inserts of sorrow followed by more deceipt. Validated by “I’m not Amy one” and “I don’t lie about everything” and what’s my part….I feel and sometimes believe I’m the biggest idiot to walk the planet. No more of me to destroy I feel lost and unresponsive always hypervigilante trying to make sure no lies are told to me from anyone mainly my wife.

Rosey Starshone

Well, what can I say? No man has ever been true to me. I have been married many times and I am a good wife and woman. I just found out my husband was on a dating site for years and he spent years lying to me. The one before that left me for another woman. Iook at myself and ask whats wrong with me that men want to cheat and lie to me. But, it’s not me or my fault. I believe the only true love comes from God, that’s it.

M. M. Bilodeau

Pain is inevitable in life. As much as parents wish to shield their children from the reality of Life, their job should more be to teach children how to deal with the inevitability of disappointment and pain. By staying in a relationship where there is infidelity, and inevitably other dysfunctions since infidelity never operates in a vacuum, all you are teaching your children is that 1. Infidelity is not a big deal because it won’t lead to repercussions like the end of a relationship, and 2. They don’t deserve better than the dysfunctional relationship that you’re in. Children learn by example. You should be in the world the person that you most want your children to become. Ask yourself, if what happened to you were to happen to one of your children when they are an adult, how would you want them to handle it? That will be your right course of action.


if you have children you should see a counselor, if you dont, then leave the relationship. The person who cheated has not respect for you or the relationship. Love is hard and you deserve better. maybe she will look back and hate that she cheated and lost you. I hope so.

Donna Smith

I have found out something that happened 26.5 yrs ago. If i had found out when it happened it would have been the end of my relationship. Now 27 yrs later and 3 kids. I am trying to process this. It was the worst betrayal and It would have been a game changer but now what?? I find myself thinking about everything that has happened in the last 27 yrs and all this time he was hiding this from me. It was worse then just cheating it was what he said about me and the situation at the time. Making himself out to be such a great guy and me out to be some messed up chick who needed help and that we were just friends at the time when I was going through losing his baby. None of that was mentioned and he played out like we werent even together. And screwing her at the time. I would have been done in a secound had I known. Now how do I deal with it. He doesnt know I know any of it.


He was dysfunctional and weak. I have a guy the same and having some improvements.
If he has been with you all this time he has probably changed much for the better
He needs to own up and apologise. It’s difficult but because of the time elapsed you will have to try and forgive his stupid mistake. You have too much behind you now.


Donna exactly what Angela said. My guess is he was young and very childish. At the end of the day you all chose each other and created a beautiful family I’m guessing. If you want bring it up to him but don’t try and drag him through the mud over it especially if he has been a good man/ husband this far. Or you could just keep it in the closet and drop it on him next time you need to put him in Good luck


Sex is sex. My husband of 27 years acts like a Spanish gigolo who can’t get enough sex. He’s cheating on me now, but the funny thing is, the chick is like a dog, she only stays outside, she doesn’t show her face because she always in my shadows. And my husband will never leave me because he won’t leave a real woman for a tramp. It doesn’t bother me. All I have to say is THE DOG STAYS OUTSIDE!!

tortured mind

Hi, recently had the revelation that my partner of 11 years had sex with a real player of a guy with a pregnant girlfriend someone I don’t like, this happened before we were together but she has repeatedly denied anything ever happened.
What I find particularly hard to understand is that she was totally sober and it happened more than once. If it had been a drunken one off thing then I would find it easier to accept but the fact that she obviously fancied him troubles me greatly, added to this is that she stopped taking the pill three years ago and didn’t tell me for two years. We have both been through a lot as she was very I’ll in the early years of our relationship but when I look back all I can see is a relationship based on lies and what a mug ive been, how can i be sure our shared experiences and lives werent lies as well? The girl I thought I fell in love with wouldnt do what she did. I really need a way through this, I’ve tried talking but it ends in an argument and she insists I should just stop thinking about it! I am angry as hell and I know I’m crazy to stay,
I could walk away as we have no children but I still love her, does this sound salvageable?

J. Drand

I think if she could admit why, be honest about how it made her feel, why she wouldn’t do something like that again, why it was wrong, and be honest about all the emotions associated with it, you should be able to move on in your relationship, but if she can’t face it, doesn’t accept why it poses a problem or threat to you rather, then more than likely, it will only get worse.


The same! I could have walked! I have a sutistic son and i still love him 🙁 its really troubling me and cudnt do my everyday chores! My husband has been deceiving me more than a year with me finding no clue about it !


She doesn’t owe you her past. Only her present and future. If she lies about current situations, like birth control- that’s the issue you need to worry about. She probably felt shame for sleeping with the guy so she lied about it. But if that happened before your relationship, it has nothing to do with you.


Tortured mind. Here is the facts bud..nobody owes you explanations for what they did before they met you. Now if she can’t come clean about things that happened with you or if she lies about things she will more than likely not change. One thing I’ve learned is if someone will lie to you about a little thing they will most definitely lie about anything. I’ve been there dude. Met a woman who was supposedly getting a divorce,got the divorce,loved me and all types of other good sounding shit. And even after I told her over and over again that I loved her and there is absolutely nothing you could do wrong in my eyes except lie to me;Guess what bud she still lied to me. Some people just don’t give a about you as long as they are getting what they want.

William Spells

Your articles got mu attention about the fear of trust when one has been wounded in a pass relationship. My wife past away a year ago rhis month I have met sone six weeks ago of whom I’m very fond of. She loves the Lord and in her an way I believe she cares for me. My problem is the thoughts of distrust.. I think it is unfair. Andb even though I fond of her i dont think she know about my issues it affects my ability to let go of the pass and give ger the love she deserves. Wgat can I do?.

Danni Smith

The love you feel is a tribute to the relationship you had with your beloved wife. Freud said that the one left behind, if there was a true love relationship, will go on a frantic search to replace the lost love object. Everything takes some time, but grief, although it will never leave you, as I also personally know, you will eventually adjust and the pain of your loss will not crowd out everything else. I think right now you are still much too grief stricken to think clearly. Try to find enjoyment with this woman, but don’t do anything permanent-I have seen many of these “replacing the lost love object” go awry. Some people need to be loved, some people need someone to love. The selfless love is that which you think only about giving-and although you may not have recognized this in yourself, that is where your mind and motivation is. This is beautiful and you will eventually be able to give this beauty to someone in its fullest glory. One guidepost, allow one year of recovery for every five years of marriage. Blessings.


When i’m in a relationship, i’m honest and open. When i find some other man attractive, firstly i will tell my bf. Secondly i’ll cut ties with that guy! For me it’s cheating when i’m fantasizing about another man. I won’t allow myself to do that kind of bullshit.
Why keeping someone around when your in a relationship and you find someone else attractive? Why keeping that person around you? Pffff. Nope, I will cut ties!


Exactly. I don’t feel sexual attraction toward ANY other man
When I am in love / in a relationship. I can’t.
I do not feel sexually attracted to or lust after
Any other man. It does not natter if the guy is perfect looking,
I do not feel an attraction. Because my heart is withnthr guy i love. That is why I have difficulty with a man whos in a relationship, claims to love his woman yet whacks off to other women while watching porn. That is cheating. At the time his mind and heart and sexual desires, sexual gratification is being handled by thoughts of being with another woman and thus us not ok. Its a betrayal & no different than if i were to invite a man into my bedroom, have him naked while he jacks off 3 inches away from me in my bedroom so i can masturbate and get off.
Hes not touvhing me, im not touching him so theres no cheating. So al you men who think its ok to warch porn behind your gfs back or at all, ITS NOT OK. If you think it is then she may as well invite hot men to her bedroom naked and as long as theres no cobtact shes not cheating. See? Men would have a problem with this its tge same thing whether a person is 3″ away in a room or 3″ away on a screen your thoughts are identical and its cheating.


Same thing here and that’s how it should be. Also 1000% agree with you on the porn. It’s destroying relationships and society. And any man who whacks off to porn and hides it from his S.O. is cheating. There’s no difference of 6″ in front of you in the room or 6″ in front of you on a screen. Same exact thing ( mindset, thoughts, desires)

Lost and betrayed

Hi, reading all of the different things people have or are going thru I felt I could put some of my heartache out there. I’ve been married for 2 years and we were together for 5 years before many times in our relationship throughout the years I have been tormented, bullied, abused, betrayed and still to this day I continue to go thru it we have a child together and I stay to keep the family together . The problem is that there is always another girl there always has been one he can confide in spend time with take that person out and have a good time with in which I have had to find out on my own every time. The moment I bring it up to get a better understanding the guilt the blame and the wrong doing is all placed on me. Forcing me to rethink all that I’ve done to save this but everytime is the same result. There is no communicating with him everything that I do and say is wrong and is my fault that he does the things he does to me to our family. And now I sit here trying to keep my thoughts clear praying that things will somehow change but I’m left feeling as if everything has always been my fault that I’m the one not good enough. I don’t know how to get past all this hurt it follows me like a dark cloud everywhere I go in everything I do am I crazy? Am I the one who needs help? I’m so lost in my life at this point

Aurora Borealis

Please…please…please, dear one….do NOT believe that YOU are the one who is crazy. Your post suggests that your partner has a behavioral disorder. I am not a professional, but I recently endured the same treatment and there is much to be learned by gathering as much information as you can about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). If your partner fits this profile, there is no cure for this disorder, there is only more deception. Why? Because a Narcissist is…well…narcissistic…and doesn’t think they even have this disorder, so they will never seek behavioral modification treatment. They are “above” others and can’t understand normalcy. The Narcissist craves thrills and has an abnormal tolerance to boredom. In other words, you are loving someone who puts on different “masks”, depending on who he is with. He is a ravenous individual who can NEVER be filled, because, at his core, he is void and empty. He will seek out constant NS (Narcissistic Supply), to fill this void. It could be ANYONE or ANYTHING. You are loving this man in what would be considered a “normal” way, expecting normal results, but he is not normal. It is a harrowing experience, to be involved with a Narcissist, and it can ruin your future chances to be able to determine who is normal and who is not, in your future. There is NO excuse for the type of abuse that you have written about here…NONE! This is NOT love, darling, this is abuse. And it can creep up on you, insidiously, slowly, so that you don’t even know that you are being pulled further and further into their web of deception. Are these people happy and content? Never…and they never will be. They will go through dozens of people, in their lifetimes, to try to fill the void in themselves that can never be filled. The results will always be the same for them…dead end relationships. But they have no empathy for others, so they will constantly seek a new source of Narcissistic Supply, again and again, so that THEY will never be hurt. Narcissists ONLY choose those “primary sources of supply” (yourself) who are extraordinary, attractive, intelligent…because YOU show others just how attractive THEY are. He will never leave you…never…because he’s too AFRAID to. Their worse fear is that they run out of Supply and you have already established yourself as a “constant” in his life, especially since you have a child together. Your child will suffer from this behavior also, as the years progress. You are normal, he is not. The only time that a Narcissist crumbles is when they become old, sick and undesirable, because their lies no longer match their “pretended” assets. Rest assured that he is not just seeing one women. He has a stable of them, because his fear won’t let him EVER run out of Supply. You are a DECOY, for his aberrant behavior….and he wouldn’t have chosen you, if you were not a ridiculously desirable one. Please learn about this disorder. There is a wealth of knowledge to learn on the internet and it WILL set you free, to determine whether or not you want to continue on with this relationship. For most, especially sensitive women, it is just not worth the torment, nor the effort. But “some” women can adjust their attitudes, within a relationship with a Narcissist, but it takes a lot of compromise with your own core beliefs. Is that worth it to you? I think not, but I am not you. You say that you have a child, which leads me to believe that you are still young enough to find true love with a normal man. YOU have the power, within this relationship. He does not. You just don’t know this yet. With fondest regards that the day will come, when you can return to a healthy way of living your life and protecting your child from this malignant behavior. Start your studying now.


I wish I could get out. I’ll never get out. For those who can, run don’t walk run!!! I foolishly believed I could protect my daughter better by being there. He was never home anyway. In the end she thought I was the needy one and drove him away. That he was at “work” all the time. She’s now lying just like he does. I failed. I failed all the way around. I have no family and his never wanted a thing to do with our child. Now that she’s an adult they say “oh it was your mom we just didn’t like”. Really? They never even came to the hospital to see her after she was born. Anyway, I never got out and I never will. All my inheretence is gone. I used it to give my family a quality of life, homes, schools for my daughter, new cars, vacations. Raising a child is expensive. She thinks it was due to her daddy working so hard. I lost and I failed. Now I will never have that family I dreamt of my whole life. At least as a child in an abusive home, I knew I’d get out one day. Now, there’s no getting out. He got me out of the business and all my money’s gone and my health. Please I beg you all. GET OUT.


Yikes this is awful to read. I was involved with a striking partner from overseas for 5 years – that was the obvious red flag, beautiful but unattached and no discernible history I could verify.
After years of confusion and emotional chaos I slowly but simply looked into what was happening to me by typing phrases into Google – like, a partner who never apologizes etc, and slowly I concluded she suffered from narcissistic disorder, I am not qualified but there are basic patterns of behavior: perma-walking on eggshells/being undermined in your self etc.
These patterns are all to break you down to make you stay – these are disordered people and they want to keep you and suck you dry- of life, vitality everything they don’t have they want to pull out of you. It’s almost like a horror story character – sucking at your life force with no conscience But that are built that way and there is no possible change, therapy will not change them, it’s a lifetime deal.
If you can RUN. But beware they do permanent damage to you. They break down parts of your self and strength and you get very lost. It sounds like this is where you currently are, the loss of self and shock of discovery about what really happened in your ‘relationship’ are traumatic, you are likely deep PTSD territory.
Sadly it may take the same amount of time to recover your identity as the relationship itself lasted – it’s a 1:1 time based recovery ratio I found.

Amy Cole

Very nicely, written. And the absolute truth. I was in an 8yr., off and on, relationship with a narcissist. I had never heard of the term. I had just been replaced, with new supply. I left that day., a blessed, confused, and torn woman. I turned to the internet., for help., and the entire process of a narcissists behavior/pattern, was revealed to me, and I was gifted the understanding and knowledge, of everything that I had been living. Thankful for being replaced., because that is what it actually took, for me to finally move on, for good. Blessing in disguise.


Wow. Your words sadden me and bring back painful memories. Let me be clear… No, absolutely it’s not you. It’s his game. It’s all premeditated in his sick mind. Manipulation at it’s cruelest. These people are sick and could care less who they hurt. He doesn’t love you. It will not get better, only worse. I wish I could grab you and shake this truth into you. Unfortunately, only you can do this. You already know. You already know. Good luck. I know the pain.


You have being abused the whole time. Is a very hard decision but is your mental and emotional well being or letting him have control and power over you. I had the exact same situation before but no kids. I broke it after 5 months of dating. I dont want my son (of my previous marriege) to grow thinking that’d the way the relationship should be. I was depressed for more than a year. But I look for help and I was able to see clearly after all. Do you feel nervous when around him? Walking on eggshells not knowing what to say or do that cause him to be upset? Is not your resposibility to make him happy. Everyone should analize themself and find happiness in things they like to do. It doesn’t depend on other people. Look for help if you feel trapped. There’s plenty, and be strong! For the love of your child! He/she (your baby) shouldn’t learn to treat others the way he treats you. God bless tou!

Rachel M

What another person does isn’t your fault or responsibility. If you get blamed for your partner’s infidelity then he is just manipulating you & thinks nothing of lying to you. He probably had family members who make excuses for him too. It’s unfortunately common. Unless he is willing to admit he’s at fault it will not change.


Hello….I would like to address NPD. I have recently discovered my husband has this, and I’ve kniwn for a long time he is a selfish arrogant man. It’s 24 years now that we are together, I’ve never been so sorry I married him and my life has been turned upside down by this monster. He is a liar, deceiver, and I no longer care for him. It’s a second marriage for both of us, and we were wildly in love for years. I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet and that he would never betray me or even look at another woman. Wrong……I caught him watching porn one afternoon in the dining room. Like I wasn’t even home. He was depressed over an ED diagnosis and getting older. Instead of working it out with me, he resorted to his pornography. I repeatedly asked him if he was doing that, and gave him many opportunities to speak the truth, but he lied continually even on my granddaughters life.. How low can a person go? I am 66 he is 70, and I don’t want to unravel my life at this age. We travel a lot and have a nice lifestyle so I stayed. If anyone out there is young, please leave immediately to save your life and sanity. The pain and destruction living with someone who has no empathy or real love and caring is so devestating, it will eventually destroy you and possibly kill you. I have had therapy, and I pray to God to help,and heal me. I often think if he were to die how magical my life could be. He is an empty shell of a man……a very bad man. Save yourself while you still can and free yourself for real honest and intimate closeness. You will never get this from a narcicist. Just intense pain and heartache until you are not what you once were…..I wish I had the guts to leave….I was once quite beautiful and still look great for my age. Most people thin I’m about 48-50. But this is not about looks, I simply have no energy to even think about another man in my life. After all, he could be a liar, narcicist, and interested in porn. Where are all the real men anyway? Do they even exist???


Deborah – I am a woman (age 56) and I believe that my personality fits the description of NPD to a tee. It has taken me lots of failed relationships (very very painful) to realize…hey, it may just be me that is sick and not them. My most recent loss was that of my ex-husband (after 19 years of marriage)…because part of my MO is to incur debt without telling him. He finally found out one day, helped bail me out countless times, and each time it eroded his love/trust a little further. I kept saying to myself…it was HE who was causing me to go out and spend money that we didn’t have because he wasn’t giving me enough attention. Well, BS. We have been divorced for 2 years, and guess what…I am STILL doing it. So, my lies and deception were there all along…before him and now after him. However, I believe it may not be too late for me. I have owned up to this crap and am now desperately trying to seek help for myself. The point of this response is to show that this problem is NOT limited to just men. The other point is…we deserve love too…we are sick; like an addict of sorts. Finally, it is paramount to take ownership for the issue. Sounds like your husband has NOT yet done this…maybe at 70 he never will. Just so sad. I am NOT ABOUT to lose one more relationship because of my personality flaw. Taking the bull by the horns in Mid-MO. GOOD LUCK to you.


I’m not so sure – a full narcissist never believes they have a problem and never apologizes, as they never even consider they did anything wrong – ever. But there are other Type B Cluster personality disorders alongside NPD and they are often cross related. They relate to self destructive behavior and range of other problematic life habits. Take a look at Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti Social Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder. They are not cut and dried differences and person can have blend of elements and it takes a two trained professionals to actually diagnose. It is a lot of information to look at – Wikipedia good start under Type B Cluster Personality Disorders – but sounds like you are in the other B Type Clusters.

T. Richards

Omg, you just described 15 years of my life and today I’ve decided to make him leave. I developed anxiety and depression over the lies, lack of sympathy and deception. I’m so mentally and emotionally tired. I feel like I’m loosing it and regret the day I met this man. Sad part is he doesn’t acknowledge any of his action. He’s not aggressive just mentally and emotionally abusive and always call me weird, dumb, unstable & bipolar and he’s the greatest guy in the world and I will never find another man like him because I’m too bitter… all I can do is pray

Sarah Lund

I think I’ve learnt never to trust a man who easily does his own thing and never comes to see how I am. I can’t trust any older men, but whether they’re older or not isn’t what matters. It’s just that now that I’ve experienced what it’s like being around some, when they’re together, talking and laughing, I’ve been put off by the manly bravado, and the pride thing. I never got to meet his mother. And that’s one of the most important priorities in a proper relationship. That you’ll eventually meet his family. If a man never introduces you to his family and friends, start questioning why he hasn’t. The only horrid reason I can think why, is that he’s never planning on keeping you. As awful as it sounds. This is the kind if man that doesn’t deserve another lover ever again. He’s kidding himself the most, because the woman usually realizes this early in their relationship. We’re a team? Was he being sarcastic when he told me that? He’s a very nasty man.


Hey lies I catch him. He then acts like a wild animal acting our calling me names telling me I’m crazy. I was abused as a child and am in therapy with my fiance for his childhood as well as for our relationship. When we fight he calls me white trash. Says my mom should have swolled me or its because my daddy touched me. Or I should have been born barin
When he speaks of my childhood PTSD bpd and calls me crazy and not normal to top off calling me my abusers names and laughs. I have asked kindly quietly loudly anyway I can to get him to stop in the middle of a fight. His words do more Damage than getting beat up. He doesn’t do that all though I wish he would just slug Me than say the things he does
I have warned him talk to me with no respect call me me my dad’s name talk about my sexual able as a child and it going to set me back in my therapy so everything he calls me filthy names I will forwarn and then slap him as hard as I can
He grew up in a very educated house with very high expectations causing him to lie if he thought he was going to let anyone down. They fight to win. I grew up trying to resolve by talking about my feelings. We got in engaged a year ago after6 years we told everyone. I have. Met his big Persian family love them. He wouldnt tell his parents he said they wouldn’t take him seriously becauase we are not financially where we need to be
Sept 26 was the day. I was married before for ten years to beautiful kids that live with me and him full time. He is wonderful with them and has been for 7 years. I just wish he would love me and make me feel like I was worth something. He Keeps saying just be normal… You can never be happy

Mr. Chris

My name is Chris, my wife Nearly destroy our home, I loved her as a woman I chose to be with all the days my life but unfortunately she started keeping secret at the same time behaving as all is well. Right deep inside me, I knew she’s having an affair with a man named Mike, I’ve went as far as getting information from Mobil network just to peep into their text messages and calls. But do to my children’s sake, I decided to give her chance if she will be ready to repair the damage she has done to her marriage. I don’t want to hurt my children, they’re important part of my life. But all I need from my woman is just apology, I care if she goes into details, all that I need is just apology, I’m ready to forgive her because not enable to admit her mistakes will be given me another impression that she still want to commit more evil which will make me change my mind without looking at children this time. Please what action will I take to protect myself and children? Looking forward for favourable and quickest reply. Thanks.


Is it proper for your wife to be having a sexual conversation with her ex guy? And when you confront her with proofs, she says you are have no right to intrude her privacy. Plz i need advise on this issue. What do i do?


My marriage was on the rocks, then I had 2 years affair but realized the guy I was with was lying about his marriage he told me they were separated. He even gave me promise ring to be with him. But when my husband found out and contact his wife he denied everything and blame me that I was the one coming unto him. I planned to sue him not for money but for lies and emotional distress I can’t believe he ruin my marriage and lies about. I feel humiliated and stupid I fell in love with a liar.


Maybe your husband should’ve sued you and your playing loverboy for alienation of affection and emotional distress! If you were having an affair, you dont have the right to complain! Sorry, not sorry.


I would of thought my man would not cheat on me I was wrong was lie to all the time.i learnt alot not to trust a man who sleep around.and says he love u.he used me like a tool.learnt my lesson.never trust a cheater don’t change they don’t know what love is.wish I never married the second one.


Mr. Chris, I just saw your post, so maybe things have been resolved since you wrote it in February. If so and if your marriage has healed, congrats and God bless you both. IF NOT… and of this problem still exists, obviously you are hanging on in a miserable situate. Husbands and wives have no business texting friends or colleagues of the opposite sex. And sending sexual messages is horrible. You said you wanted to “save your marriage”… I get that. You love your wife. I’ve got some tough news for you: if she doesn’t stop this 100% immediately, you need to get out. See a counselor first for guidance, and get help I’m beginning the process of being on your own. Then, see a competent lawyer. Be prepared for pain, lots of pain. It’ll take years to emotionally heal for you and your kids, but staying in that environment is destructive and you’ve gotta be miserable. I understand. But this behavior from your wife is unacceptable!


these is painful. i been married for 21 years with my high school sweet hart. six years ago she had an affair with an x, so called friend. i found out after been very coming of her activities. she would go to restroom more often, she would start fights with me for no reasons, she started coming home later than usual, until one day i was at work and a friend called me and said he had seen my wife at a coffee shop. I grab my phone and looked at her text and call history and there it was text after text, call after call she just waited for me to leave to work to get on the phone with him, either by text or phone call. I looked to se if I had the same phone number in my contacts and so I did. It hit me so hard my mind started going like a million miles a second. I confronted her and asked who’s number that was and she said ait was a female co worker I looked at her and told her that why did I have the same number in my contacts and it was ….
she looked at me and said she didn’t know. I graved her phone dialed his number and he answered I started talking smack to him and he ended the call. But the thing the hurt me so much apart from that was her continues Lies…. she kept lying about how many times they sleep together and seen each other. After years of seen her cry begging me to forgive her she got on her knees multiple times, she tried to commit suicide twice so I wouldn’t leave her, she used to go to our room and stay there for hours in the dark, she didn’t want to eat, and these went on for moths… Now we have a 4 year old Daughter That I Love so much but, up to these point I still can’t tell her that I love her and my attitude has change completely. I used to be a nice sweetheart guy, now Im cold sweetheart tells the things strait up and I don’t care who I hurt. where before i was to kind and i would watch what I say or how I would say the things so I wouldn’t hurt anyone. Sometimes I hate how I changed but, Im to scare to put my guard down. these was a women I would give all my all to, even her fried’s would tell her that they would wish to have had a husband like me. She was my Queen and now she is simply the mother of my kids…
as of today we are still together but Im not even 50% of how I used to be with her. When I see that something is bothering her I asked her whats wrong she says nothing I say ok and walk away.
but I do wonder if I would ever be the same with her.

Angela T

I just found out my husband of 23 years, who has not had relations with me by his own accord for 12 years, more than half of my marriage, has been registered on gay and swinger websites.

I found out all this on my own and have filed for divorce. He does not want the divorce and states he has never been unfaithful to me but he has admitted to going to men’s residences and masturbating in front of them. He also placed naked pictures of himself on both of these websites with explicit profiles.
When I would ask if he missed being intimate with me he stated we were getting older and he looked to other interests but he also dropped hints that it was my fault he wasn’t intimate with me because of my hysterectomy and he was afraid of hurting me. He keeps saying the past is behind us and I am holding up from future happiness because I won’t forget the past. Am I wrong to not trust him and feel so betrayed? He makes me hunk I am crazy.

Andrea clarke

I met a guy 8 years ago he seemed grounded and nice made me laugh etc, at the time of meeting him he had a 7 year old daughter in which I grew to love I’m sure she was the reason I stayed for 8 years. As time went on we began to have issues base on another guy who he claimed is his friend and he hung out with because he felt bad for him. It went from one night on weekends to almost nightly till him not coming home at all his behavior turned verbally abusive. The friend turned out to be really the guy he was have sexual intercourse with behind my back and then was also having sex with me! I feel so betrayed and stupid to know I trusted him and the entire time I was a decoy to present to the world that he was straight but he never was. Sex was awful fast and quick obviously when he was just doing it just because. I hate him so much how can a person be so selfish to be able to lie and deceived someone that truly loved him.


My story is complex. I have been married for 30 years. After 10 years of marriage I noticed my wife show no interest in me sexually or otherwise. I make no excuses for my actions at this point, but a woman I worked with show great interest in me and we had some drinks. it felt wonderful talking to someone that genuinely wanted to hear my story. We began a sexual affair and the guilt set in immediately. My wife knew something was going on and cornered me. I saw no reason to lie, so I admitted everything and took all responsibility and did not blame her. It was all me, no one twisted my arm. the ridicule, the demands for complete truth and humiliation was leveled at me daily. I accepted it because I knew I deserved it. Throughout our marriage, my wife mentioned a man that had an infatuation about her since her early teens (hes 10 years older). his name was constantly coming up. Through the years I asked her about him and she denied everything, she swore she did have lunch with an “old friend” but that was it. But she also stated that after knowing of my affair she wished she had slept with him. I knew there was more to this. I asked and asked over the course of 20 years all based on a gut feeling. Finally one day she admitted to several lunches, but that was all. I prodded further and she admitted they made out. I prodded further and she admitted to having dinner at his house while i and his wife were out of town and the had sexually contact in his bead. It was at this point that I knew her affair had happened 2.5 years before mine. She also admitted to having sexual contact in a public park among park visitors. i was floored by the hypocritical nature of here tormenting me and yet she would not admit hers. She explained that she had only made out and allowed him to fondle her and she gave him oral for several months. At the time this man was married just 3 months earlier and my wife had given birth to our child 3 months earlier. throughout it all, I get trickle truth. It would seem she feels I deserve punishment, but what she did was not as bad as my infidelity. I was heartbroken, but wanted to talk it out. Her stories changed and I found out she had the affair 2 years earlier and then continued the affair with him after we separated. The mans wife confronted my wife and this scared my wife away, but only after denying any such truth. I feel how I feel. I know I was wrong, but when she confronted me she wanted all the facts times, places, etc. for her to justify lying to me all these years was “i didnt tell you because I didnt want to hurt you” thats just a slap in the face given her demand for the truth about my affair. I feel as though she thinks shes better than me. I know that had she came to me at the time of my affair and admitted hers as well, that we could have hashed it out. But know I feel that if this woman is capable of lying to me for twenty years with a straight face, then what else has she lied about. I came clean, I admitted my sin and owned it. I took the punishment because I felt I had it coming and I was truly sorry. I couldnt lie to my wife about my horrible selfish behavior. But know I feel the only reason she forgave me was she was basically calling us even. But is it even if she calls me a liar not to be trusted, yet she thinks she did nothing nearly as bad as me. we swore a fresh start after my affair was discovered. I have held to that promise ever since. But now I feel cheated and I dont trust her at all. I know I cant recover the emotions I had before for her, yet I do love her. But the torment and pain of her betrayal inst what haunts me, its the fact that she has the ability to lie straight to my face ridicule my crime and remain silent for years about her own. Those words : I lied so I wouldnt hurt you” seem so insulting a a cheap excuse and cop-out. Today its been 2 years since I caught her in her lies and the pain and betrayal is just as painful as before. I know I was wrong, truly I do. Its that reason that I was completely honest with her about my discretion’s. But why is she better, why does she have the right to chastise me and lie the whole time. I cant help these feelings, the twenty years of making me feel like a horrible husband for cheating, all the while covering up her affairs with this man that admitted he had wanted to have sex with her since she was 14 years old. What kind of woman could not find a man like that utterly disgusting. I just cant find it in my heart to believe a word she says or trust her at all. i dont want a divorce, but the emotions are unbearable. I often wonder if a divorce and starting a new monogamy with someone compatible that also appreciates the devastation of infidelity is the proper steps to move past this nightmare. I know I did wrong, but I came clean 20 years ago and have lead a loyal and dedicated life to her and my kids. To know this about her challenges my very love for her. I dont know how I feel at times. She admitted the man was a pedophile, yet she wanted to remain close throughout our marriage up until I caught her in her lies. What does that say about her? who is she? I dont want to get stabbed gain. I know I will never find myself in another affair, the thought disgust me and cause severe pain of the knowledge of the damage I had done. Why does she not see that to to this day. She still says it was a mistake and just that. I explained a one night stand when your drunk “might” be considered a mistake, but planning sex meeting locations, crawling into another woman’s bed with no regard for that woman’s emotions. In her eyes, Im a disgusting adulterer and my affair partner was just a home-wrecking whore. But she doesnt view herself as that way. she says shes not like that anymore. i asked her when did she change? she said shes always felt that way. but if she was remorseful, sorry, and disgusted by her actions, how could she possibly continue to deceive me for 20 + years. I feel like the affair has lasted that long based solely on the fact that her and her lover were covering each others lies. That just doesnt sound like remorse or a desire to be honest or seek true forgiveness. Again, I know Im no angel, I know my sins, and I accept my punishment everyday with the hate I have for myself for being so selfish. She doesnt show that same remorse. For twenty years she covered it up with nerves of steel. She has the ability to deceive me and that scares me to death. Its been two years since D-Day and I still struggle daily with the anguish and pain. I feel as though my life was shattered and can never be recovered. Can anyone relate to my situation. Please dont judge me, I had that done to me by everyone including myself. Please, I just feel alone in this and dont know what to do. I just want a sole mate I can talk to . My wife refuses to discuss my pain, she simply says “you did it to”. Whish I did, I just didnt sit in judgement and cover up my own sins and act self as though shes better than me. She even told me that her own parents threatened this man with the police because his behavior and romantic letters were inappropriate for a 25 year old to be sending to a 14 year old. Yet my wife did and always did seem infatuated with him. I cannot trust her, but dont want to add another mistake to my long list of poor decisions. any guidance would be welcomed. thank you so very much for taking the time to read my post.


I feel exactly the same way as you. I totally understand. I also don’t know how I feel sometimes, I sometimes want to leave him because the deception has caused my love for him to become numb… His deception changed everything for me…I love him but it’s just not the and fit be anymore… Even when we have love… I feel nothing…I get so sad because I don’t want to leave him but I don’t know how to fix this.

Lady H

Please don’t get involved too soon.
My husband died and I met a man, he lied about everything,
1. You need more time to miss your wife.
2. People are out their waiting like animals to deceive you on every level, wait until you are stronger.
3. I’m trying to unwind my mess now,

Broken hearted

I’ve been in a long distance relationship worth this guy for nine months now, his birthday was let week, so I thought I’d post a happy birthday comment on his Facebook page, he got upset, blocked me from the page and wouldn’t speak to me for two days, when we did finally speak he told me some crap about how people were questioning him as to who I was, asking if I was his woman and all, then he told me he responded by saying I was not his woman, but only because he doesn’t want phone in his business, one seem different parts that he leaves o.k. Pages of other females and there was NOTHING in my post compared to the things I’ve seen him post, but he ended up blocking me from social media and he blocked my calls so I can’t contact him, then in a text message he told me he didn’t want to be with me, because we weren’t compatible. I already had a feeling that he was with someone else because he’d changed so much, but after he sent that text I knew I was right, the only thing I want to know from him is WHY he thought telling me this would be such a hard thing to do, I would’ve respected him a whole lot more had he just come clean. 24 hours before he sent that text too me he was telling me that he loves me and we were going to talk about things and make changes, and the next day the change was him telling me I don’t want to be with you anymore. Who does that

Monica Kay Brister

I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been together for 21 yrs but the last 8 have been the toughest. First off from day obe my husband was very vocal about he couldn’t stand a liar or cheatwr. For next 10 years thats what comforted me in tough times. As long as I could trust him and he never cheated on me I could handle anything else. Well 8 yrs ago in the final months of pregnancy with our 3rd child I discovered an email to a woman in Australia. I still dont know how long it was going on but it was a She had sent pics in lingerie

Monica Kay Brister

I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been together for 21 yrs but the last 8 have been the toughest. First off from day obe my husband was very vocal about he couldn’t stand a liar or cheatwr. For next 10 years thats what comforted me in tough times. As long as I could trust him and he never cheated on me I could handle anything else. Well 8 yrs ago in the final months of pregnancy with our 3rd child I discovered an email to a woman in Australia. I still dont know how long it was going on but it had been few months for sure. She had sent pics in lingerie and in 3 emails he said he loved her. My heart sunk I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I thought everything was great actually better than had been few months prior. I immediately confronted him and confronted her in email. Of course no reply from her and he just said it was stupid mistake but I still can’t forget seeing those words I LOVE YOU. The trust was gone…. Ive tried forgetting but every couple years I catch him in lies. Just when I start to regain trust something happens. Recently about 6 months ago I found subscription to a cheating site where his profile actually said married but looking for extra sex. II lost it again , confronted him and said I was done. He said hed prove to me i was it. That he never acted on anything and never would but i can’t believe him or get pass it. Last week I looked at Google location and he was cauught being somewhere 2 days in a row when supposed to be working. I confronted again and he just got made I checked google. Should I give up on him treating me right. I tell him how worthless i feel and lonely i am but get nothing. He doesn’t try to fight for us…. should I????


Deception and humiliation are truly the worst parts in infidelity. The affair continued full blown after I confronted and I was told that I was not good enough as per his friends. Whatever the lame reason- Why some people don’t have the common decency to end things before starting another relationship and be courageous enough to communicate it!? And this girl was so proud that he left me for the ‘better’ her and sugarcoating everything as if nothing wrong happened. And he dared to keep things friendly. How such people live and behave without a pinch of shame or remorse!? Had to face life in the same space with my ex and his new gf he cheated me on with, for about a year.


How do you let go of your boyfriend leaving you for someone else, and then coming back realizing he made a mistake…he said he never had sex with her while together together but left emotionally …its been a little over a year now and I havent let it go. I feel like there is this unsettling fear that it will happen again and it hurts like hell, and causes fights


My husband of almost 32 years just found out that he has a 23 year old son with the woman he had an affair with 20+ years ago. We were able to put the affair behind us over 23 years ago and move on. I forgave him and eventually was able to trust him again. I would trust him now, except he keeps wanting to exclude me when it comes to making plans to meet this son. He actually made plans to go spend a weekend where he lives. My daughter is the one who convinced him that this was wrong so he canceled that trip and we are planning a day trip. It’s only 3 1/2 hours away. He planned the trip but did not tell his son that I would be coming with him. What does this mean? Why is he being so secretive?

Kate M

I guess you can say that I’m bout the craziest women in TX! I have been married to my husband, a senior Captain at a major airlines. We have 4 wonderful children, that have never given us any problems. All our friends think we have the perfect marriage and family life. But, if they only knew the truth. I actually should be an actress, I’m so good about making people think I’m so happy, including the kids. When I’m really depressed and ashamed of how my husband has treated off and on for 26 years. Recently , this past February I finally confronted him about his texting other women and actually meeting them out for drinks. He confessed that he had a one night stand with another lady pilot. Plus he had been meeting a friend of ours at hotel bars for drinks. He begged for forgiveness. I’m so embarrassed and I can’t tell anyone, especially the children, they think their dad is wonderful! Friends and family love him too! I read some of his text to one of them and he said horrible things about me, made up terrible lies, I guess just to get her to feel sorry for him, for attention. Even told her One of our boys was his friends son! Unbelievable!!! He has done some stupid shit over the years, like getting on affair websites and sending flowers to our baby sitter on her 18 BD( it was our 5 th wedding anniversary!) ass hole! But I forgave him. But this deal now is bout more then I can take! I have a little cash saved up in my on account, but I only work part time as an esthetican . If I leave my way of living will definitely be a thing of the past! I’m 54 years old , we have one son that just graduated from college,, another done in 2 bd year college, our daughter starts college in 2 weeks and our youngest son is going in the 11th grade. How can I make my heart not hurt so much, and stop being depressed. My husband tells me all the time he loves me, but he has always told me that and I felt his love, even when he was lying and cheating, he never acted like he didn’t care for me! All I think bout are his lying text messages talking ugly things bout me to other women, then he says it was just made up stories to get attention and he did not mean a word of it at all! I need advice on what I should do, stay or go? I know in my heart he will do this again, he can’t help himself, he’s a handsome man and gets too much attention on trips!

Currently supplying a narcissist

I have no clue what you look like but I think I’m In Love….
I. Ina relationship with a narcissist and we have two children together and she has a daughter I love so much and I won’t leave her behind to save myself so I sit here dying little by little feeling lost helpless and alone.
Everyone has been convinced that it’s me by this person and she was ahead of me because I wanted to believe she loved me.
I’d already been thru a 2 yr divorce after coming home to find an empty home and the last thing my wife said to me as I was headed home and called to tell her sa was I love you too.
I spent 3 years terrified to ever put myself through that again then I met the smooth talking narcissist and I’d never met one b4 and for a person to have a child with them coming into a relationship I obviously never once worried that it wasn’t real because I can’t imagine building a false reality for my own child and definitely couldn’t imaging a mother doing so to her own daughter. But the day I heard her tell Sasha that I was the reason her daddy want in the picture I was floored. First of all this man isn’t in the picture b4 I existed and I’m pretty sure he sacrificed that aspect of his life to save his own and even b4 that God awful truth I’d never prevent any man from stepping up if he truly wanted to because it’s never too late to do the right thing and how could I contradict my own belief and not simultaneously. Naturally at my every opportunity I’ve made sure she knows that’s not ever gonna be true and in fact would welcome him with a open hand or a closed hand all based on his intentions with my daughter now and I’ll step back.
But my point is WOW FN WOW RIGHT?
But that’s just it they will eat their own young if necessary and look for the signs. Granted they might not be as vivid as that was but that was like 3 yrs in. So I still gave her every benefit till she decided to show me every card in her hand that day. But since then I’ve noticed something they love to do especially when they are convinced they got you wrapped up in the bag. The thing they can’t control is the ego the ego is the motor keeping them going and at the same time it’s their biggest flaw if you can pick one out of so many but it is to me but I’m not a Dr just living this reality as I’m typing this. Here goes and take note… They love to show you their hand. Flaunting it in your face and thinking you’re clueless gets them off the most because that to them as sick as it is makes them feel like they’re better than you in every way so if you do want out watch for this but act completely oblivious. It gives me some satisfaction to let the fool play a fool that is them but in the moment just try it you’ll thank me later once you have faked it long enough your day will come that day because that day you can use what you have to manipulate your way out and leave them lost to what just happened. That’s how I believe a narcissist can be beat and hell even cured lol
The reality that they were beat at their own game will rape what confidence they may had or never had but stole from everyone but either way they won’t have anything left and on that day think of me because I can’t do this given my situation. But if you can get out that’s my best advice on the best way. Don’t confront them just do what they do. Remember who you really are and maintain that which should get easier as you enjoy watch the puppet dance like he’s a real boy. Oops no it’s just Pinocchio lol but seriously never let them know you are onto them or plan on leaving or a hint of anything like that please. Why well ill close with that. I’m 6′”2 215 lbs an ex army mp recreational boxer green belt kempo soccer silver medalist all state tight end in football in Virginia commonwealth games Silver medalist Yada Yada yada. (sounding narcissist myself huh lol) etc and my demon sent from hell to steal my soul is 5’3″ 140 and she scares the hell out of me. Seriously because as stated accurately by others there’s a line normal people usually draw in the sand and wouldn’t cross unless they absolutely had no choice. This tiny physho has tried to physically come at me twice now, threatens to call the cops on me, our landlord to have me homeless, her dad, and to take my children to a place ill never find her or them to simply be dad still. I’m very aware she’s just trying to feed my fears and as always control the narrative thru manipulation. But I’m also aware that a person that insanely desperate to lose what they’ve built will eventually become violent or malicious so much so they’ll put themselves in the way of too because the have no rational unless it protects them. Much love to anyone here male or female going through this….

Carlton Hanson

I am submitting this on behalf of a good friend of mine. His name is Carlton. He got involved in an affair and left his wife Charlotte for another woman.This news has been hard on the few people that know of the affair and him leaving. Carlton and Charlotte were so well suited for each other. Charlotte adored Carlton and I thought Carlton loved Charlotte as well. Several of us have spoken about this. Carlton has moved in with his girlfriend. We feel Carlton got wrapped up in the affair and did not truly want to leave Charlotte. Carlton’s best friend is the sister to the woman he left Charlotte for. Can these two wonderful people, Carlton and Charlotte be helped? This breaks my heart. Carlton will face such embarrassment for what he has done. Can their marriage be saved? Please help them. I have included Carlton’s email for him to receive help. Thank you. I love this couple. I feel Carlton turned on Charlotte and he needs to realize that he and Charlotte need help. He needs to return to Charlotte, beg for her forgiveness and promise to never cheat on her again. He loves only Charlotte. This affair and possible divorce will embarrass Carlton completely. He will lose all credibility. Help me friends.


Thankfully, I was able to overcome the authors absolutely insane comment in order to get through this otherwise intelligent article.

It is somehow “jealousy” if a man doesn’t want his wife/girlfriend to be alone with another man?? Really? Well, because whomever replies to this will conjure up even more stupidity to rebut my comment, which is why I debated pointing this out in the first place, but that only proves the point that not only do people think critically to fundamentally disagree with the author as well, because why would my wife need to be all alone with another man in the first place?? Moreover, despite using different examples of male and female all throughout, I find it unlikely that any woman would agree with the author on this same point should the genders be inversely stated: no woman would be perfectly fine with their man being all alone with a female as again, there surely are examples but this is stated in the general sense and therefore responded to using the same logic…

Charlene Ellsworth

I have been in a relationship with a man for 14 years and he always said he dont lie or cheat, but yes he does lie and cheat, I have tried over and over to save our relationship but he doesnt even apologize to me at all he always makes it out like it was all my fault and /or Im crazy one. Now I seen him with another man and I asked him if he as gay, he got irate with me flew off the handle and made me out to be crazy, I know what I saw my eyes are not lying. he chooses the man over me he said I could get out but the man dont have to go anywhere. He takes him everywhere, I dont get to go anywhere but wants to deny he is in a gay relationship with him. What do I need to do? leave stay I am tired of conpeteing with a man. help:?

Therese Harris

Leave his ass at once! They never change, ever. You know what you´ve got with him, is it ok with you? Does it make you happy? No and no. Just get your ducks lined up and get away before you lose more years being miserable with someone who doesn´t respect you. Choose peace and happiness and self worth! Good luck to you


I had a friend who was married now separated. He had two affairs before me. Him and his wife had no sex or intemency for 6 years. She is trying to sue me for destroying her marriage. Can she do that?


This week I found out that my husband of 20 years has been cheating with multiple partners throughout our relationship. It’s true that it shifts your sense of reality. He was not the person I thought he was, I was living in a fantasy that everything was okay. I think it will take a lot of work for me to ever trust myself again, let alone a new partner. I guess that’s what people mean when they say that they are broken.

Erica Rivera

Exactly what I needed to read this morning. The same concepts I have been trying to explain to my S.O. since the first moment I recognized he was lying about important stuff like being in another relationship while we were together, etc. I plan on recording myself reading this entire article and sending it to him. He and I have been having difficulties for the last several months and I feel like this exact topic is the reason for the destruction of our current situationship. I feel like this…at the rate we’re going what with the disrespectful comments to each other, lack of trust, constant bickering, etc. it couldn’t hurt.

Paul Solon

Hi, it is a good article thank you.
Snd the message is simple: don’t lie and cheat and don’t accept lying and cheating.

Yet people do both.

Good relationships that I know of are few


I found out my wife cheated on me less than two weeks ago. Without details it was the lying I keep telling her which has destroyed me. The lying when I was figuring it out, the gaslighting, and full on deception (she made a recording with her lover, at my request, of “breaking off the flirting”) this was the day before I put the other pieces together. It was all lies they already had sex 10 days prior.

The lies are killing me. If she would have had sex come home cried and told me she screwed up I’d have been hurt, but knew she still loved me. The cover up is the problem.

I feel destroyed.

I should add we were together happily for 30 years, we really had what I felt was a special love. God this hurts so much.


I can’t believe they’ve come across so many similar stories. We have sort of a weird long history starting at the age of 15. We dated for two years and I broke up with him he thought for another guy that I did end up dating but not at the time we broke up. I found out he got drunk and slept with my best friend ew but anyways 2 years later and with a one-year-old son you met back up and got married at 21. After the abuse I suffered with my son’s father and just the adult crap we should have never went through his kids we talked about almost everything I’m sure people have secrets they don’t tell people but we literally went through a list of things that were non-negotiables negotiables Etc I felt really good about the marriage for being 21 and knowing to do all that it felt amazing and we went a whole 5 years with no issues until I had an emotionally traumatic thing happened to me I wasn’t great. I just had had my daughter 3 weeks earlier I was a mess I don’t think he knew what to do. He just wasn’t emotionally available to me in the way I thought we had built our relationship as. About a year after I found out he made a mistake with one of my non-negotiables at least I had said at the time but I was understanding of Being Human and tried to overcometh it hurt me very badly and I was still going through things at that time he became a little more distant and our communication suffered he did the same thing numerous times which crushed me and ended up treating me in a manner he never treated me before. He was remorseful extremely emotional about the mistake or should I say mistakes and he became cold irritable told me to crawl with the f up that was crushing to deal with before and now this was mind-blowing to me I felt like I wasn’t living there real world but an alternate universe still we love each other so much we kept trying to work it out over and over again making excuses for him him not wanting to lose his family or the one person that accepted him for who he was and vice versa. It came to a point where he was just so cruel and doing things I would never think he would I would have bet my life you would have never done that that I ended up leaving him. I want to go stay with her friends and they had an upstairs neighbor that ended up assaulting me physically and sexually. Intern I was accused of leaving him to cheat this man has drugged my food until I was in a drooling mess and would take pictures of me and send them to my husband. It was just a mess until one day friend found out where the location was and sent for help. Thank God because that same day I had become a little bit more aware of my surroundings and tried to fight back and got beat for trying to leave they got there just in time. I had gone to the hospital contacted my husband and he told hospital to keep me I couldn’t believe it. Again making excuses for him I said to myself well if I had seen these things and didn’t know anything else I might think the same thing. After a few weeks at a friend’s couch in a court date agreed have me come back home. Now even though we are in a lot better place I’m wishing I never did. I was verbally emotionally and mentally abused for 2 years trying to prove to him but he could trust me trying to prove to him that I wasn’t lying that I’m willing to go through all of this just to prove it to him. Things eventually got a little better but he’s still doing the same things he did before. Said I broke his heart and what he went through thinking I was out screwing another man was most devastating thing he’d ever been through which for anybody it would be if it was true. I think it was the fact that I just left him at all to begin with and that was my fault I should have never just up and left without saying anything. But at this point I had a house all had enough so I left again. This time he knew where I was and I took my child. I want to go stay with a girlfriend two weeks went by and their landlord said that they couldn’t have anybody staying there so I went and stayed with their cousin who was a male so you know where this is going. Again he thought he left him for somebody else this time he had confirmation from many people that it was nothing like that I was just fed up with being treated like a piece of s***. He begged me to come back home and my troubles would go to Grandma’s and we would have a four-day weekend of just spilling our guts over everything. Unfortunately it was mainly me spilling my guts but with the agreement of the same for me. If you have seen what we had for the first six seven years of our marriage you would understand. I know people think I’m stupid maybe people think he’s stupid it’s just what you do for your partner and your family that you care so much. We also for this would be the last time we were going to put ourselves through this so we better get it all out and do it right. Yeah well I was blind I suppose. After two days of emotionally Wrecking conversation I had to have a break I said we’ll do you next weekend. That never came I have asked him questions over the last two years and he deflects gives me answers and says you have to leave the past alone where it is you have to get over the past if you can’t deal with the past then I don’t know what to tell you I don’t even know anyting so how can I get over. He says I’ve told you I haven’t done anyting I asked him a few questions about things that are bothered me gave me answers but I never got power questions and follow-up to those questions like he did to me for 2 days. I was not unhappy because he was treating me well again he really felt bad admitted he should have never treated me like that was a scumbag for it and it would never happen again. This lasted for about 4 months and he wasn’t very badly per se but we have a lot of stress with losing jobs and stuff so you have to put that into play here we are two years later not like we were but he’s starting to tell me to shut the f up again get over it just completely dismissing my feelings it’s gotten to the point where we have roommates and we tried to get them out and they’re damaging our child now we have CPS involved and I had an emotional meltdown this morning I just cried it is melted I told me stop ninety percent of what’s going on is my fault because I have anxiety issues and other issues and if I would just get better we would be great so I just texted him that I’m done there will be none. No other trying because if I continue to make that promise but to myself and I continue doing it he’ll just keep doing it and I’m damaging my child in the end. This is the worst time for this to happen we’re back on our mortgage we’re trying to save up to pay off or forbearance our taxes are here our child needs mental health needs I need mental health needs and although he didn’t think so he does too. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for 14 years so I have no work history I can’t get SSI or SSD because of it. Basically I’m saying all this because you can save yourself now. There’s plenty I could have should have and would have done with the right support. And things I could have should have and would not have done if my communication skills were a little better. I love my husband dearly and after 18 years this hurts worse than I think I’ve experienced yet please people don’t waste time do everything you can don’t wait so long to get out if it doesn’t save yourself cuz you can’t have somebody else if you don’t have yourself


I am so so glad to read this I’ve been telling that to my husband for years and he never believes me I am not sexually attracted to any other man they can be good-looking but I’m not attracted


Infidelity, cheating is what my wife accused me of and wants divorce. she filled for divorce after 22 years of marriage.

she is angry I once had a relationship with her sister when I was in Vegas. I hadn´t even met my wife then, she found out and told me because she can´t bear the pain that I didn´t tell her all this years of our marriage. I do not think it´s important because It happened 4 years before I met my wife at the airport and we started being friends and we dated for about a month or two and we got married. It was when we were getting married I found out they were sisters. She was the elder sister to my wife. We have 4 grown up teenagers together, I do not understand why all these matters. Her sister is also married to someone else and they are happy, I do not know why my wife can´t let go even after so much apology.

But to my greatest surprise, I came across a psychic I found that helped my marriage, whom so many people where talking good reviews about on Yelp. He helped me out to cast a love reuniting forgiving spell that made my wife come to me just last week to reconcile back to me and cancel the on going divorce. we have immediately renew our marriage vows and promise to love each other more than ever till death do us part.


Infidelity, cheating is what my wife accused me What would I have done if not for this love solution temple priestess sango?? I have never been this happen with my wife in years ever since she found out.

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