Is My Self-Hatred Getting in the Way of Love?

The short answer is: yes! Hating yourself puts you directly at odds with someone who loves you. You each have diametrically opposed points of view about you: your’s being negative and your partner’s being positive. So what can you do to resolve this dilemma? And why does this dilemma exist in the first place?

Let’s answer the second question first by looking into self-hatred and where our negative self-image comes from, and most importantly, why we hold on to it. We develop our identity during our childhood from the different ways that we were viewed, behaviors we imitated, and ways we were treated in our early family environment. Because no childhood can be ideal, in addition to any positive experiences in our upbringing, there were also negative ones. We may have been defined or labeled in ways that were harmful, for example, as “the wild one,” “the lazy one,” or “the shy one.” We may have taken on negative traits of our parents, for example, incorporating our father’s social awkwardness or our mother’s insecurity. Or, we may have been neglected or treated unkindly, for example, by being ignored or punished harshly. All of these can cause a child to develop a negative self-image.

But why do we hold on to it? Simply put: because we’re familiar with it. It’s how we’ve always known ourselves; it’s who we’ve always been. And most significantly, it’s who we’ve always been in our family.  In a way, it’s our connection to our family. It’s as though if we change our old identity, we’re afraid we’ll lose our place in the family. All of this is unconscious, but we get anxious when we start to change our negative identity. And we are very conscious of that anxiety.

A romantic relationship is often threatening to a negative self-image. Some people avoid the threat by choosing a partner who is critical of them; therefore their views are harmonious.  Other people protect their old identity by pushing love away. But, if we are brave and hang in there with someone who loves us, we can come to see ourselves through their eyes. It won’t be easy; we will be very anxious. There will be times when we will want to dismiss our partner or push them away. But if we give them the benefit of our doubt, if we trust that they see something in us that we don’t, we can learn from them. We can change negative ways of seeing ourselves that have been with us for a long time and come to regard ourselves with the same love and respect that our partner does.

In my upcoming book, Daring to Love, I go into more detail about how our negative identity gets in the way of our having love in our life. I explain an internal process, the critical inner voice, that supports the negative identity and how to challenge it and strengthen a positive, more realistic view of yourself.

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Roy Bishop

Ive been dealing with depression since I was a very young boy.Alot of emotional abuse.It desroyed my life as far as how I perceive myself and the world.I was married for 28yrs and raised 3 great children.I felt close to my wife but never was in love.I lost her to cancer after 28 yrs of marriage its been four yrs now and I feel like the grieving process is done..I am on disability after 2 suicide attempts.I live alone no friends and am still fighting Depression .I recently met a woman.Things went well for the first 3 months and then started seeing red flags.Shes got a high powered job travels friends social life ect.I told her about my history with depression and she sez she doesnt care she wants to support me and is there for me.Were totally different.Im picking out flaws on her while im really the one with flaws.She sez she wants to spend the rest of her life with me only being together for 6 months.Im confused and am pushing her away.I just started therapy which I have been in before.Talked alot about my childhood but never really got any where.Dont know what to do.Shes the only one that truly cares about me.This artical was very intriguing.

Matthew Manion

Hello sir my name is Matthew and the story with your marriage of 28 years is very impressive. With three children that is marvelous. Way to go sir. My hats off to you, but after hearing the part where you lost your wife is heartbreaking. I to have had my heartbroken because I was diagnosed with Anti-Depression and been on many forms of medication to even out this problem. My problem was just like yours “I was afraid to love” even after all the relationships I’ve had weren’t the right choices because I haven’t found my place in the world & to do that you have to make yourself happier. I guess I’ve punished myself by going through therapy to & going to church was while hanging out with friends working a dead end job that isn’t promising just doesn’t cut it for me.
With that being said sir I have some great friendships & even today I’ve kept most of them because I have chosen to stay as close To God as Possible. He’ll certainly fix any situation we have sir. I to am disabled but work full time with debts to payback.
So my question about love is:
1. Sources you have used
2. Therapy you have taken
3. What kind of motivational successes have you gone through


I was small as kid and very concerned about my ability to future. I , 9yo, began to play up to get my fathers attention, he called me names… “anti social” was the one that messed me up.. didnt know what it was but was now 55 and never had a relationship, only had sex when i pay, prostitute, it only can happen this way. Ive had a number of number of attractive, good intelligent ladies like me but i juyst turn my back on them. No one knows.


THANK YOU for this insightful piece. I can now see that I do hate myself, and self sabotage all the time. There are some wonderful people in my life, trying to help me, and it seems that I just push and ‘test’ them. I must find a way to stop this as I really would like to be loved for myself one day and feel secure enough to give love freely.

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