fantasy bond

The Fantasy Bond in Couple Relationships

By the time they reach adulthood, most people have solidified their defenses and exist in a psychological equilibrium that they do not wish to disturb. Although they may be relatively congenial with more casual acquaintances, over time there is typically a noticeable deterioration in the quality of relating within their most intimate relationships. As a… Read more »

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Is My Self-Hatred Getting in the Way of Love?

The short answer is: yes! Hating yourself puts you directly at odds with someone who loves you. You each have diametrically opposed points of view about you: your’s being negative and your partner’s being positive. So what can you do to resolve this dilemma? And why does this dilemma exist in the first place? Let’s… Read more »

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The Fantasy Bond or Primary Defense

This is the first in a series of blogs describing my theoretical approach known as Separation Theory. It represents an integration of psychoanalytic and existential systems of thought and describes how early interpersonal pain and separation anxiety and, later, death anxiety, lead to the formation of powerful psychological defenses. The primary defense is the fantasy… Read more »

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How to Stop Fighting and Feel Close Again

Why is it that we fight the most with those we love the most? Is it just because we’re two people with two completely separate minds spending so much time together that we’re bound to not see eye to eye once in a while? Or, is it something more profound, something deeper? Unfortunately, it’s usually… Read more »

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Separation Theory

[Separation Theory] is integrative even beyond the blending of the psychoanalytic and existential views… It views people as being innately innocent rather than destructive or corrupt, and thereby it rejects Id Psychology in favor of an existential view of humankind. Its ties to existentialism and humanism are in its acceptance of the viability of the emerging “self,”… Read more »

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Love Addictions: Do You Have an Unhealthy Addiction to Love?

While the term “love addiction” may be controversial among mental health professionals, having an overwhelming or obsessive compulsion toward love or a loved one is not uncommon. Love addictions are formed as a defense against psychological pain. Love addicts have a fantasy of being rescued by their loved one and often believe that this one… Read more »

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Is Being Proud of Your Kids Really about You?

Parents often exclaim that they are so proud of their children. “She got into Harvard.” “He got the highest SAT scores.” “She is the most brilliant musician.” “He is the captain of the football team.” Parents particularly express pride in their kids when they demonstrate a talent or quality that the parent values. And while we all want parents… Read more »

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Passionate Love: What is the “spark” and how can we keep it alive?

Love is friendship set on fire. ~ Jeremy Taylor Many of us say we’d like to be in love, but have we ever stopped to think what kind of love we’re imagining? Over the years, scientists have made efforts to classify different types of love. Recently, researcher Dr. Barbara Acevedo discovered some good news about one type… Read more »

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How to “Make” Someone Fall in Love with You

Whenever I write an article about love or relationships, I inevitably receive one or two spammy comments recommending a mystical cure for how to “win back your husband” or “make the woman of your dreams fall in love with you.” The comment usually recounts a detailed testimonial and describes a modern-day genie who, by way… Read more »

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Falling Out of Love

When love starts to fade, before we even face the potential loss of the person we’re with or the relationship we’re in, many of us mourn the loss of something inside us. Falling out of love is like losing a part of ourselves that was once illuminated. It’s one of the most painful processes to… Read more »

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