Wishes for the newly wed: A psychologist’s guide to lasting love.
Last month I went to my nephew’s wedding. At dinner there was a card at each place setting for the guests to fill out. At the top was the heading: Advice and Wishes for the New Mr. & Mrs. With this simple prompt, I was flooded with thoughts and emotions. I reflected on what I have learned over the years from my own marriage. I was emotional thinking of the life that my nephew and his bride are beginning together. And I couldn’t help but think of all that I have learned about relationships during the years that I have been a practicing psychologist.
Marriage and intimate relationships can be challenging because they require finding a balance between having a close relationship with another person, feeling attachment and connection, and still maintaining one’s individuality. When people first fall in love, they tend to feel attracted to one another and supportive of their partner’s separate interests. They also appreciate the ways their partner supports them in theirs. Both members of the couple thrive in such a relationship.
However, over time, partners can begin to take each other for granted. In a sense, they develop a fantasy of being an extension of each other, two halves of a whole. This can throw off the balance of their relationship, and they can forget that they are a whole person on their own. Their awareness of their partner as an individual can also decline. They may lose a spark within themselves as well as the spark between each other. This largely unconscious process, which my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, termed a “fantasy bond,” is an illusion of merger with another person that can come to replace genuine love and relating.
It is important for couples to guard against this process and learn to maintain their individuality while being emotionally close and connected to their partner. To this end, it is essential for each partner to not give up activities or friendships they enjoy, and to encourage their partner in doing the same. They need to be mindful of not bending themselves out of shape to be what they think their partner wants. They can respect and support one another’s separateness. Couples can then maintain emotional closeness while still being fully themselves.
My wishes for my nephew and his bride that evening were many, but the strongest was that they each would preserve their sense of individuality and keep enjoying the sense of fun, respect and love they obviously have for one another. Here, in bold, are the five prompts from the card at the wedding dinner, followed by the responses and thoughts they inspired in me.
ALWAYS… maintain a kind attitude toward your partner. We are all human, with strengths and weaknesses. It’s important to see each other realistically, with tenderness. Your partner has a whole world of things going on inside them that you may not fully understand. When you see your partner through a caring lens, you can come from a place of kindness – even in difficult situations. Taking this approach toward your partner supports you to take an equally kind attitude toward yourself. It is easier to then have patience and compassion toward yourself and your loved one when things get complicated or challenging.
DON’T… get caught up in expectations of what a relationship should be like. It’s hard not to fall prey to the images that bombard us about what the perfect partner, love, family, home, career, life, etc. looks like. Things won’t be perfect. There will be times when you feel frustrated or overwhelmed. You and your partner won’t be on the same page about everything. There may be occasions when you feel like you’re failing as a couple. There may be instances when you feel distant from or critical toward each other. But when you resist comparing yourself to external images of what a relationship should look like, you can look inward and notice the actual qualities that you and your partner bring to your union.
SOMETIMES… you’re going to be angry, and that’s okay. Anger is a natural, human emotion, but is often uncomfortable to feel. When you learn to be accepting and curious about your angry reactions rather than suppressing them or judging them, you can avoid the pitfalls of second-guessing yourself or of needing to justify the feeling. Then you can let the big emotion of it pass and decide how to deal with the situation that is bothering you. Understanding and moving through your anger can take time, patience and introspection. See It’s Ok to be Angry. 6 Tips to Dealing with Anger for more insights.
DON’T FORGET… the reason you fell in love with your partner. The most endearing things about your partner are whatever make them uniquely them; their point of view, their quirks, their nature. Even though you are compatible and have much in common, your partner is a distinct person formed by the particular temperament they were born with and by their personal life experience. Their story is different than yours, their experience is separate from your own. You can support your partner’s unique traits and qualities by remaining aware of and encouraging the things that light them up and make them feel the most themselves.
MOST IMPORTANTLY… Congratulations! Because together you are embarking on a lifelong journey of discovery and love that will be challenging, but more than anything, infinitely rewarding!
WITH LOVE, Lisa Firestone