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Deception and the Destruction of Your Relationship

love and deceptionWhen the topic of infidelity spills into our daily dose of media, we may say we saw it coming, or we may react with shock. Either way, we don’t exactly look away. Without even meaning to, we learn details, names, sources and suspicions. Most of us would admit that there is little point in speculating about the ins and outs, agreements and lies, secrets and circumstances of a stranger’s affair, but our fascination with the indiscretions of others should tell us something about ourselves and the world around us.

It’s hard to deny that, as a society, there’s a lot to be examined about the ethics of our own relationships. In the United States, 45 to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship, according to a 2002 study published in Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy. Still, other studies reveal that 90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong. Infidelity is inarguably prevalent, yet it is extensively frowned upon. Given this discrepancy, it is important for every couple to address how they are going to approach the subject of fidelity and to examine the level of honesty and openness in their relationship.

Earlier this week I got a call from a well-known women’s magazine and was asked to explain when it is okay for a woman to lie to her partner. I declined answering the question, for one simple reason: it’s not! Since when did lying become okay? Lying to someone, especially someone close to us, is one of the most basic violations of a person’s human rights. Whatever one’s stance is on open versus closed relationships, the most painful aspect of infidelity is often the fact that someone is hiding something so significant from their partner. Two adults can agree to whatever terms of a relationship they like, but the hidden violation of the agreement is what makes an act a betrayal and an affair unethical. Thus, the real villain behind infidelity isn’t necessarily the affair itself, but the many secrets and deceptions built around the affair.

In the book Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, I cited extensive research on the subject of infidelity and posed the following:

Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity. Deception and lies shatter the reality of others, eroding their belief in the veracity of their perceptions and subjective experience. The betrayal of trust brought about by a partner’s secret involvement with another person leads to a shocking and painful realization on the part of the deceived party that the person he or she has been involved with has a secret life and that there is an aspect of his or her partner that he or she had no knowledge of.

Damaging another person’s sense of reality is immoral. While keeping a relatively insignificant secret from someone you’re close to diminishes that person’s reality, going to great lengths to deceive someone can actually make them question their sanity. It’s true that feeling an attraction or falling in love may be experiences that are out of our control, but we do have control over whether we act on those emotions, and being honest about taking those actions is key to having a relationship based on real substance.

As kids, we are taught that it is wrong to lie; yet as we get older, the lines tend to become increasingly blurred. This is especially the case when we are faced with the challenging conditions that come with intimate relationships. Too often, when we get close to someone, our innermost defenses come into play, and we unintentionally alter ourselves to “make it work.” The baggage we carry from our past weighs heavily on us, and we have trouble breaking free from old destructive habits and harmful modes of relating that distort both ourselves and our partners. When this happens, jealousy, possessiveness insecurity and distrust can cause us to warp and misuse our relationships.

Once a relationship becomes about compromising ourselves or denying who we are, we are no longer living in the reality of what the relationship is but in a fantasy of what we think a relationship should be. An example of this might be a woman whose boyfriend gets so jealous that he forbids her to be alone with other men. Another example may be a man whose partner feels so insecure that she demands to be constantly reassured of his love and attraction to her. Though these couples may go along behaving as if everything is OK, they’ll more than likely begin to resent one another and lose interest in the relationship. This type of restrictive situation can become a hotbed for dishonesty. The woman may lie about time alone she spent with a male friend or co-worker, or the man may lie about an attraction he is starting to feel for another woman.

When we treat our partners with respect and honesty, we are true not only to them but to ourselves. We can make decisions about our lives and our actions without compromising our integrity or acting on a sense of guilt or obligation. When we restrict our partners, we can compromise their sense of vitality, and we inadvertently set the stage for deception. This is not to say that people shouldn’t expect their partners to be faithful, but rather that couples should try to maintain an open and honest dialogue about their feelings and their relationship.

If our partners trust us enough to admit that they find someone else attractive, we might just be able to trust them enough to believe them when they say they won’t act on this attraction. The more open we are with each other, the cleaner and more resilient our relationships become. Conversely, the more comfortable we become with keeping secrets, the more likely we become to tell bigger and bigger lies.

When an affair occurs, denial is an act of deception that works to preserve the fantasy that everything is okay. Admitting that something is not okay or that you are looking for something outside the relationship is information that your partner deserves to know. Emotions sprung from deception (like suspicion and anger) can tear a relationship apart, but more importantly they can truly hurt another person by shattering their sense of truth.

Psychologist and author Shirley Glass wrote in her book Not “Just Friends”:

Relationships are contingent on honesty and openness. They are built and maintained through our faith that we can believe what we are being told. However painful it is for a betrayed spouse to discover a trail of sexual encounters or emotional attachments, the lying and deception are the most appalling violations.

An ideal relationship is built on trust, openness, mutual respect and personal freedom. But real freedom comes with making a choice, not just about who we are with but how we will treat that person. Choosing to be honest with a partner every day is what keeps love real. And truly choosing that partner every day by one’s own free will is what makes love last. So while freedom to choose is a vital aspect of any healthy and honest union, deception is the third party that should never be welcome in a relationship.


  1. Absolutely brilliant, living through this at the moment, the key is to be yourself and allow your partner to be themselves, that is their true self not the one they fabricated for the relationship.

  2. I wish i know what to do.15 years ago i decided to believe her thinking that no person has the capacity to deceive another at such depth.i begged her to tell me if she did sleep with my friend and to consider that my life was at stake.like a fool i gave her the benefit of the doubt.i tortured myself for years with her bearing witness to my spiralling life.now only that im mature and married to her with2 kids do i realise that she deceived me.after examining the past again for the millionth time i realise that i put too much trust in others and that people wl deceive even God if they cn get away with it.my dilemma nw is how do i deal with this without hurting my kids

    • Hi ‘fool’
      How are you coping with this situation, I’ve just discovered that my long term gf has been doing the same, for the last 11 years she repeatedly denied being involved with someone I hate, finally she has admitted that she did and it is tearing me apart, I have no children with her and could walk away but I haven’t yet. The details of what she did trouble me so much, it sounds crazy I know but I could accept kinda if it had been a drunken one night stand but it turns out she was totally sober and had sex with him twice in his car over a two month period meaning to me that she actually fancied him! She also lied to me by not telling me she had stopped taking the pill three years ago, I found found a year ago. It makes me feel like I’m a total mug, I’ve stood by her through a lot of illness and now I look back and all I see is a relationship founded on lies.

  3. Hi, recently had the revelation that my partner of 11 years had sex with a real player of a guy with a pregnant girlfriend someone I don’t like, this happened before we were together but she has repeatedly denied anything ever happened.
    What I find particularly hard to understand is that she was totally sober and it happened more than once. If it had been a drunken one off thing then I would find it easier to accept but the fact that she obviously fancied him troubles me greatly, added to this is that she stopped taking the pill three years ago and didn’t tell me for two years. We have both been through a lot as she was very I’ll in the early years of our relationship but when I look back all I can see is a relationship based on lies and what a mug ive been, how can i be sure our shared experiences and lives werent lies as well? The girl I thought I fell in love with wouldnt do what she did. I really need a way through this, I’ve tried talking but it ends in an argument and she insists I should just stop thinking about it! I am angry as hell and I know I’m crazy to stay,
    I could walk away as we have no children but I still love her, does this sound salvageable?

    • I think if she could admit why, be honest about how it made her feel, why she wouldn’t do something like that again, why it was wrong, and be honest about all the emotions associated with it, you should be able to move on in your relationship, but if she can’t face it, doesn’t accept why it poses a problem or threat to you rather, then more than likely, it will only get worse.

  4. Your articles got mu attention about the fear of trust when one has been wounded in a pass relationship. My wife past away a year ago rhis month I have met sone six weeks ago of whom I’m very fond of. She loves the Lord and in her an way I believe she cares for me. My problem is the thoughts of distrust.. I think it is unfair. Andb even though I fond of her i dont think she know about my issues it affects my ability to let go of the pass and give ger the love she deserves. Wgat can I do?.

    • The love you feel is a tribute to the relationship you had with your beloved wife. Freud said that the one left behind, if there was a true love relationship, will go on a frantic search to replace the lost love object. Everything takes some time, but grief, although it will never leave you, as I also personally know, you will eventually adjust and the pain of your loss will not crowd out everything else. I think right now you are still much too grief stricken to think clearly. Try to find enjoyment with this woman, but don’t do anything permanent-I have seen many of these “replacing the lost love object” go awry. Some people need to be loved, some people need someone to love. The selfless love is that which you think only about giving-and although you may not have recognized this in yourself, that is where your mind and motivation is. This is beautiful and you will eventually be able to give this beauty to someone in its fullest glory. One guidepost, allow one year of recovery for every five years of marriage. Blessings.

  5. When i’m in a relationship, i’m honest and open. When i find some other man attractive, firstly i will tell my bf. Secondly i’ll cut ties with that guy! For me it’s cheating when i’m fantasizing about another man. I won’t allow myself to do that kind of bullshit.
    Why keeping someone around when your in a relationship and you find someone else attractive? Why keeping that person around you? Pffff. Nope, I will cut ties!

  6. Lost and betrayed

    Hi, reading all of the different things people have or are going thru I felt I could put some of my heartache out there. I’ve been married for 2 years and we were together for 5 years before many times in our relationship throughout the years I have been tormented, bullied, abused, betrayed and still to this day I continue to go thru it we have a child together and I stay to keep the family together . The problem is that there is always another girl there always has been one he can confide in spend time with take that person out and have a good time with in which I have had to find out on my own every time. The moment I bring it up to get a better understanding the guilt the blame and the wrong doing is all placed on me. Forcing me to rethink all that I’ve done to save this but everytime is the same result. There is no communicating with him everything that I do and say is wrong and is my fault that he does the things he does to me to our family. And now I sit here trying to keep my thoughts clear praying that things will somehow change but I’m left feeling as if everything has always been my fault that I’m the one not good enough. I don’t know how to get past all this hurt it follows me like a dark cloud everywhere I go in everything I do am I crazy? Am I the one who needs help? I’m so lost in my life at this point

    • Aurora Borealis

      Please…please…please, dear one….do NOT believe that YOU are the one who is crazy. Your post suggests that your partner has a behavioral disorder. I am not a professional, but I recently endured the same treatment and there is much to be learned by gathering as much information as you can about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). If your partner fits this profile, there is no cure for this disorder, there is only more deception. Why? Because a Narcissist is…well…narcissistic…and doesn’t think they even have this disorder, so they will never seek behavioral modification treatment. They are “above” others and can’t understand normalcy. The Narcissist craves thrills and has an abnormal tolerance to boredom. In other words, you are loving someone who puts on different “masks”, depending on who he is with. He is a ravenous individual who can NEVER be filled, because, at his core, he is void and empty. He will seek out constant NS (Narcissistic Supply), to fill this void. It could be ANYONE or ANYTHING. You are loving this man in what would be considered a “normal” way, expecting normal results, but he is not normal. It is a harrowing experience, to be involved with a Narcissist, and it can ruin your future chances to be able to determine who is normal and who is not, in your future. There is NO excuse for the type of abuse that you have written about here…NONE! This is NOT love, darling, this is abuse. And it can creep up on you, insidiously, slowly, so that you don’t even know that you are being pulled further and further into their web of deception. Are these people happy and content? Never…and they never will be. They will go through dozens of people, in their lifetimes, to try to fill the void in themselves that can never be filled. The results will always be the same for them…dead end relationships. But they have no empathy for others, so they will constantly seek a new source of Narcissistic Supply, again and again, so that THEY will never be hurt. Narcissists ONLY choose those “primary sources of supply” (yourself) who are extraordinary, attractive, intelligent…because YOU show others just how attractive THEY are. He will never leave you…never…because he’s too AFRAID to. Their worse fear is that they run out of Supply and you have already established yourself as a “constant” in his life, especially since you have a child together. Your child will suffer from this behavior also, as the years progress. You are normal, he is not. The only time that a Narcissist crumbles is when they become old, sick and undesirable, because their lies no longer match their “pretended” assets. Rest assured that he is not just seeing one women. He has a stable of them, because his fear won’t let him EVER run out of Supply. You are a DECOY, for his aberrant behavior….and he wouldn’t have chosen you, if you were not a ridiculously desirable one. Please learn about this disorder. There is a wealth of knowledge to learn on the internet and it WILL set you free, to determine whether or not you want to continue on with this relationship. For most, especially sensitive women, it is just not worth the torment, nor the effort. But “some” women can adjust their attitudes, within a relationship with a Narcissist, but it takes a lot of compromise with your own core beliefs. Is that worth it to you? I think not, but I am not you. You say that you have a child, which leads me to believe that you are still young enough to find true love with a normal man. YOU have the power, within this relationship. He does not. You just don’t know this yet. With fondest regards that the day will come, when you can return to a healthy way of living your life and protecting your child from this malignant behavior. Start your studying now.

  7. Hello….I would like to address NPD. I have recently discovered my husband has this, and I’ve kniwn for a long time he is a selfish arrogant man. It’s 24 years now that we are together, I’ve never been so sorry I married him and my life has been turned upside down by this monster. He is a liar, deceiver, and I no longer care for him. It’s a second marriage for both of us, and we were wildly in love for years. I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet and that he would never betray me or even look at another woman. Wrong……I caught him watching porn one afternoon in the dining room. Like I wasn’t even home. He was depressed over an ED diagnosis and getting older. Instead of working it out with me, he resorted to his pornography. I repeatedly asked him if he was doing that, and gave him many opportunities to speak the truth, but he lied continually even on my granddaughters life.. How low can a person go? I am 66 he is 70, and I don’t want to unravel my life at this age. We travel a lot and have a nice lifestyle so I stayed. If anyone out there is young, please leave immediately to save your life and sanity. The pain and destruction living with someone who has no empathy or real love and caring is so devestating, it will eventually destroy you and possibly kill you. I have had therapy, and I pray to God to help,and heal me. I often think if he were to die how magical my life could be. He is an empty shell of a man……a very bad man. Save yourself while you still can and free yourself for real honest and intimate closeness. You will never get this from a narcicist. Just intense pain and heartache until you are not what you once were…..I wish I had the guts to leave….I was once quite beautiful and still look great for my age. Most people thin I’m about 48-50. But this is not about looks, I simply have no energy to even think about another man in my life. After all, he could be a liar, narcicist, and interested in porn. Where are all the real men anyway? Do they even exist???

    • Deborah – I am a woman (age 56) and I believe that my personality fits the description of NPD to a tee. It has taken me lots of failed relationships (very very painful) to realize…hey, it may just be me that is sick and not them. My most recent loss was that of my ex-husband (after 19 years of marriage)…because part of my MO is to incur debt without telling him. He finally found out one day, helped bail me out countless times, and each time it eroded his love/trust a little further. I kept saying to myself…it was HE who was causing me to go out and spend money that we didn’t have because he wasn’t giving me enough attention. Well, BS. We have been divorced for 2 years, and guess what…I am STILL doing it. So, my lies and deception were there all along…before him and now after him. However, I believe it may not be too late for me. I have owned up to this crap and am now desperately trying to seek help for myself. The point of this response is to show that this problem is NOT limited to just men. The other point is…we deserve love too…we are sick; like an addict of sorts. Finally, it is paramount to take ownership for the issue. Sounds like your husband has NOT yet done this…maybe at 70 he never will. Just so sad. I am NOT ABOUT to lose one more relationship because of my personality flaw. Taking the bull by the horns in Mid-MO. GOOD LUCK to you.

  8. I think I’ve learnt never to trust a man who easily does his own thing and never comes to see how I am. I can’t trust any older men, but whether they’re older or not isn’t what matters. It’s just that now that I’ve experienced what it’s like being around some, when they’re together, talking and laughing, I’ve been put off by the manly bravado, and the pride thing. I never got to meet his mother. And that’s one of the most important priorities in a proper relationship. That you’ll eventually meet his family. If a man never introduces you to his family and friends, start questioning why he hasn’t. The only horrid reason I can think why, is that he’s never planning on keeping you. As awful as it sounds. This is the kind if man that doesn’t deserve another lover ever again. He’s kidding himself the most, because the woman usually realizes this early in their relationship. We’re a team? Was he being sarcastic when he told me that? He’s a very nasty man.

  9. Hey lies I catch him. He then acts like a wild animal acting our calling me names telling me I’m crazy. I was abused as a child and am in therapy with my fiance for his childhood as well as for our relationship. When we fight he calls me white trash. Says my mom should have swolled me or its because my daddy touched me. Or I should have been born barin
    When he speaks of my childhood PTSD bpd and calls me crazy and not normal to top off calling me my abusers names and laughs. I have asked kindly quietly loudly anyway I can to get him to stop in the middle of a fight. His words do more Damage than getting beat up. He doesn’t do that all though I wish he would just slug Me than say the things he does
    I have warned him talk to me with no respect call me me my dad’s name talk about my sexual able as a child and it going to set me back in my therapy so everything he calls me filthy names I will forwarn and then slap him as hard as I can
    He grew up in a very educated house with very high expectations causing him to lie if he thought he was going to let anyone down. They fight to win. I grew up trying to resolve by talking about my feelings. We got in engaged a year ago after6 years we told everyone. I have. Met his big Persian family love them. He wouldnt tell his parents he said they wouldn’t take him seriously becauase we are not financially where we need to be
    Sept 26 was the day. I was married before for ten years to beautiful kids that live with me and him full time. He is wonderful with them and has been for 7 years. I just wish he would love me and make me feel like I was worth something. He Keeps saying just be normal… You can never be happy

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