How Negative Thoughts Are Ruining Your Life

negative thoughts ruining lifeLast year, a study of more than 30,000 people revealed that harping on negative life events (particularly through rumination and self-blame) can be the prime predictor of some of today’s most common mental health problems. Results from the eye-opening U.K. study, the largest of its kind, indicated that it isn’t just what happens to us that matters, but how we think about it that shapes our psychological well-being.

“Whilst we know that a person’s genetics and life circumstances contribute to mental health problems, the results from this study showed that traumatic life events are the main reason people suffer from anxiety and depression. However, the way a person thinks about, and deals with, stressful events is as much an indicator of the level of stress and anxiety they feel,” said lead researcher, Peter Kinderman, Head of the Institute of Psychology, Health and Society.

While self-reflection can be a key ingredient to a happy, mindful life, these new findings seem to drive home the point that rumination is just not good for us. Therefore, while I encourage people to pursue self-understanding as a means of overcoming personal struggles and becoming their truest selves, I strongly believe that this must be done with self-compassion. In order to face any challenge without dwelling in self-hatred or self-doubt, every one of us should adopt what my friend, psychiatrist and mindfulness expert Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a COAL attitude, in which they are Curious, Open, Accepting and Loving toward themselves.

Armed with this attitude, individuals are better able to battle one of the biggest obstacles they will encounter in life… their own inner critic. The “critical inner voice” is a concept I’m often introducing to new audiences. It’s the cornerstone of a theory and therapy technique developed by my father psychologist and author Dr. Robert Firestone. It is the basis of a book we co-authored titled Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice and the subject of many of my lectures, Webinars and my upcoming six-week eCourse “Overcome Your Inner Critic.” Why I have invested so much of my time and work into this subject is because what I have found in my 30 years of research and clinical practice is that, in almost all cases, we are our own worst enemy.

The critical inner voice is the language of this enemy. It is an internal dialogue that drives rumination, self-blame and self-loathing. It mocks us, shames us, scares us and lures us into self-limiting or self-destructive behavior. It tells us not to trust the people we love. It influences us to not try to reach a goal. It advises us and subdues us, keeping us seemingly safe inside a miserable, albeit familiar, shell.

Every one of us possesses this voice in one form or another. Perhaps yours is more focused on your career. “Don’t go after than promotion; just accept where you are. You’re not capable of success.” Maybe it lectures you on your love life. “Don’t bother dating. It’s useless. No one will ever love you. You’re doomed to be alone.” Hopefully, like most of us, there is a side to you that is positive, self-compassionate and confident, but you are also divided. And while one side is goal-directed and life-affirming, the other is self-critical, self-hating and, at its ultimate end, self-destructive.

As a result, the most important battle you may fight is the one going on inside you – the real you versus your critical inner voice. The good news is this is a fight that you can win. As Kinderman pointed out in his study, “Whilst we can’t change a person’s family history or their life experiences, it is possible to help a person to change the way they think and to teach them positive coping strategies that can mitigate and reduce stress levels.”

You can start this process by adopting a zero tolerance policy for your “voices” or self-destructive thoughts. Because these attitudes are deeply engrained since childhood, it can be hard to distinguish your critical inner voices from your real observations or sense of self. The “voice” can be tricky and impact your mood in ways that seem subtle. It can play on things that are real. For example, if you’re a shy person, it may remind you, “You’re too self-conscious; don’t go to that party. Just stay home and read. You’ll only feel awkward and out of place.” Very often, we listen to these thoughts without really being conscious that we’re having them.

Thus, the first step in fighting your inner critic is recognizing when it speaks up. When do you start to attack yourself? What triggers, little or big, set it off? Is it attending a social event? Speaking in a meeting? Asking someone out? Once you begin to note the scenarios that trigger the voices, you can identify patterns in your thoughts and become more aware of them. You can actually recognize when you are attacking yourself. Moreover, you’ll be better equipped to resist listening to these thoughts.

The next step may sound the simplest, but it can be the most challenging. As soon as you notice a voice start to echo in your mind, STOP IT! Stop that way of thinking without question. Have zero tolerance of anything that this internal enemy is telling you. One strategy in treating obsessive compulsive disorder involves telling yourself that your brain is lying to you. When you start to replay a thought, you can remind yourself, “It’s not me, it’s my OCD.” The same goes for your inner critic. “It’s not me, it’s my critical inner voice. These thoughts are not my conscience trying to keep me on track; they are an internal enemy trying to take me off course and steer me away from my interests and goals.”

An example many people can relate to is trying on clothes. Staring in the mirror, you begin to catalogue small flaws in your appearance. You have thoughts like “my arms are too scrawny” or “ugh, I hate my thighs.” Pretty soon, the thoughts escalate. “You’re so ugly. You don’t work out enough. You’ll never look attractive. You’re disgusting!” You have gone from being in a fine mood, getting dressed in the morning or shopping with a friend, to feeling depressed and demoralized. You show less confidence throughout the day as a result.

This is why you need to implement that zero tolerance policy at the very first sign that your inner critic is at the wheel. Don’t allow yourself to ponder what it is saying. There is nothing to mull over, no statement to consider, no point of view to entertain. This is just rumination in action. Be wary of thoughts that sound friendly or seductive. “It’s okay that you’re alone. You’re fine on your own; you don’t need anybody.” Be careful of voices that sound paranoid toward others or self-aggrandizing. “No one sees your potential. They don’t appreciate you. They are just jealous of you.” While these thought processes may sound sympathetic or even complimentary, they leave you feeling empty and often heading in the opposite direction of your goals. Plus, once you act on these thoughts, more critical self-attacks are there waiting to greet you. “There you are again – all alone. What a loser!”

When you find yourself overthinking, and you notice that your thoughts have turned negative, you are far better off stopping ruminating on them and instead, taking action that goes against them. Part of zero tolerance is not allowing these voices to influence your actions. If they are telling you to be alone, invite a friend to coffee. If they are berating your career success, apply for that senior position. Take actions that move you closer to your most authentic self. When you first change something about yourself, you can expect your voices to get louder. However, the longer you persevere in your actions, the quieter they will become. It’s hard to attack yourself for being lazy when you exercise regularly or to undermine your goals when you’re actively pursuing them.

A recent systematic review of studies found that mindfulness-based and cognitive behavioral interventions may be effective in the reduction of both rumination and worry. They conclude, “More broadly, it appears that treatments, in which the participants are encouraged to change their thinking style, or to disengage from emotional response to rumination and/or worry, could be helpful.” Furthermore,research from Dr. Kristin Neff has indicated that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on evaluations but on a basic sense of your worthiness as a human being. Dr. Neff defines self-compassion as a kind, connected and clear-sighted way of relating to ourselves even in instances of failure, perceived inadequacy and imperfection.

By initiating zero tolerance, we are evicting what Arianna Huffington has referred to as the “obnoxious roommate” in our heads. The way to do this is by becoming aware of and not listening to these thoughts, cultivating self-compassion and acting against the directives of your inner critic, not allowing this internal enemy to control your life.

About the Author

Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. Dr. Lisa Firestone is the Director of Research and Education at The Glendon Association. An accomplished and much requested lecturer, Dr. Firestone speaks at national and international conferences in the areas of couple relations, parenting, and suicide and violence prevention. Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice (New Harbinger, 2002), Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003) and The Self Under Siege (Routledge, 2012). Follow Dr. Firestone on Twitter or Google.

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Interesting article. However, it’s not new or original. All of the concepts examined here have been fully explored and discussed in the Buddhist canon. Personally I find this constant insistence on reducing everything to its component parts (Western scientific methodology) does not readily apply to the human as a whole, and tends to perpetuate the myth that specific treatment is just as good as holistic prevention. Our current medical practice has led many to believe that if we cannot easily fix it ourselves then a medic can do it for us. People in general are taking less and less personal responsibility for their own growth. We are breeding nations of indolent people who essentially are carrying their childhoods into adulthood

Life needs more engagement. After all, we are, without doubt, greater than the sum of our parts.



A few points:

1. We all carry our childhoods into adulthood. The difference lies in whether or not these experiences prepare us for life.

2. The existence – of struggling persons who happen to stumble upon websites like these – is not a phenomenon. Parenting is open to all and therefore we can reasonably expect – without guilt or shame – that there will be persons who enter adulthood with damaged or inadequate mindsets.

3. To best serve the needs of all, it is imperative to maintain perspective…which requires breaking things down a bit…to ensure we’re covering all bases. Imagine this to be the simultaneous effort of multiple social agencies (many of which are preventative) -Child Protective Services, Birthing clinics, Counselors, Pastors, Psychologists, Social Advocates, Educational tools – and the list goes on.

4. #3 is as general as it gets because to actually implement any of the above services and benefits they provide, requires reaching the individual. Broad, generalized statements about society’s failings and shortcomings do nothing to help those who are truly troubled. Broad, generalized statements are nonfunctional.

5. The moment we begin to realize that we cannot control the entirety of every child’s experience in the presence of their caregiver – is the moment we decide it’s worth throwing out some safety nets. If we can catch even a few, then we have succeeded.

6. Breaking things down helps us see where we went wrong and what we can do, both in terms of prevention and treatment.

7. When someone seeks the guidance of a healthcare professional, that IS the definition of choosing to help themselves. Truly troubled persons vary in life experience, IQ, support systems, and opportunities.

8. Reaching out when you need help is nothing short of noble. It can likewise be considered that all those who do not reach out when they’re troubled are those who have acquired the skills (as a child) to cope with life.

So – perhaps – you are forgetting a very large portion of society…those who do not seek assistance because they have the proper tools to help themselves. Now let us help those who don’t.

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