…ame dynamic, the answer dates back to our earliest relationships. As young children, we developed defenses to cope with painful or frustrating circumstances. Growing up, we became wedded to our defenses, believing them to be part of our personality. If we formed negative ideas about ourselves, for instance that we’re unlovable or unattractive, we now seek out people whose behavior will support these beliefs. We choose romantic partners who reinfor…
Learn More
…that you create the expectation that you are in charge. I think with young children I would urge people to get away from the “OK Syndrome,” turning what should be declarative sentences into questions with the addition of the word “OK.” As in, “Time for bed now, OK?” “Eat your beans now, OK?” It sort of sounds like you have no idea what you’re doing. And then it shouldn’t come as a surprise when they’re 14 and you say, “Be home at 10:00.” And they…
Learn More
…biggest predictor of how we’ll be as parents isn’t what we experienced as children, but how much we were able to make sense of and feel the full pain of those experiences. This statement can be applied to all of our closest interpersonal relationships. Our ideas about relationships are formed very early in our lives. Our attachments with important caretakers create our “internal working models” for how relationships work. Throughout our lives, wi…
Learn More
…icality, rejection or outright hostility on the part of parents predispose children to become adults that are hurtful to others. There is no way to become innocently defended unless a person lived in total isolation. Whether we are aware or not, the ways we distrust and distort other people does significant damage. It hurts those closest to us, in particular our children, and then extends outward. In conclusion, society represents a pooling of ind…
Learn More
…r-socialization. You can go to most any pre-school center still and if two children look upset and begin to cry, what you often see is, they’ll take the girl onto their lap and sort of embrace and soothe her and the boy they’ll stand up and say, “Alright, now tell me what’s going on!” Given whatever temperamental differences, we probably should do exactly the opposite. Take the boy on your lap, stand the little girl up and look her in the eye and…
Learn More
…mistreatment, mis-attunement, and abuse can lead to issues with eating. As children, we all experience varying degrees of emotional pain. The love, care, and nurturance we get from our caregivers lead us to form a positive sense of self and helps us to create our identity. Yet, no parent or person is perfect. Even the best parents are only attuned to their child’s needs about 30 percent of the time. This means that, as children, each of us was ine…
Learn More
…aybe you’ll act out the same condescending, critical attitudes toward your children. Finally, if growing up with a narcissistic parent made you feel inadequate, perhaps your defense was to sidestep confrontation, to retreat into your shell or to avoid standing out. These adaptations may have made you feel safe in your household, but chances are, these same traits could be hurting you or holding you back as an adult. These early influences on our l…
Learn More
…le these days is parental love. Now virtually everyone tries to love their children, nieces, nephews and so forth. But if you think about it, there’s not a single randomized clinical trial that says, “Parental love contributes to better outcome of children.” Well, there can’t be, for ethical reasons. It’s the same thing about the relationship. So it doesn’t trouble me nearly as much as it used to. We know the relationship works. And that’s the all…
Learn More
…ions. This circumstance highlights for me the significance of teaching our children beyond right and wrong. While there are clearly things that are right and wrong, good and bad, black and white, most things are not so clear. There is great importance to teaching our children the ideas of context, perspective and shades of grey. What is right in one circumstance or from one perspective may not be the best answer. We all know about social lies and…
Learn More
…s, or those personal goals of spending more time with your partner or your children. Yet, there are many reasons why a retreat will benefit you and those you love in the long run. Here are just a few of them: Nature helps The poet William Blake once wrote, “Great things are done when men and mountains meet. This is not done by jostling in the street.” Whether we consider ourselves tree huggers or urban dwellers, most of us inevitably surrender to…
Learn More