Defenses

Why Do So Many People Respond Negatively to Being Loved?

Love — kindness, affection, sensitive attunement, respect, companionship — is not only difficult to find, but is even more challenging for many people to accept and tolerate.  In my work with individuals and couples, I have observed countless examples of people reacting angrily when loving responses were directed toward them. One man felt a flash… Read more »

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Why Am I Still Single? 8 Reasons People Often Stay Single

Clearly, some people are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life. Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven’t found… Read more »

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Stop Procrastinating

Most of us are aware of that voice in our heads that screams to us, “stop procrastinating!” And most of us know that the pressure and stress that this voice puts on us just makes us more intimidated and less likely to get anything done. Procrastination is a self-fueled cycle, and it is becoming an… Read more »

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Why Are People Afraid to Grow Up?

In a previous blog, “Living Life as an Authentic Adult,” I briefly described the reasons why so many people operate as children emotionally and refuse to grow up.  I discussed how, to varying degrees, individuals are restricted in their ability to function in an adult mode because of  “unresolved childhood trauma and the defenses they… Read more »

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Living Life as an Authentic Adult

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~ e.e. cummings Most people are unaware that they are conducting their lives more from a child’s frame of reference than in an adult mode. Although men and women mature physically and become more capable in their practical lives, rarely do they achieve… Read more »

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How to Stop Being a Victim

Challenging negative voices is the way to overcome a victimized orientation. Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears. ~ Marcus Aurelius, Meditations One of the principle ways that people mismanage their anger is by playing the role of victim. In a previous blog, “Don’t Play the Victim Game,” I described the characteristics… Read more »

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Withholding: A Personal Story

To Withhold Verb: 1.  Refuse to give (something that is due to or desired by another)            2.  Suppress or hold back (an emotion or reaction)   Are you sometimes aware of holding yourself back from being fully engaged in the experience of the moment?  Do you find yourself avoiding activities that bring you pleasure… Read more »

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Becoming Your Real Self: Shedding the Baggage of Your Past

“To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.” – Robert Louis Stevenson What gives a person’s life meaning is unique to every individual. At one point or another, most of us find ourselves asking if we are truly living a life that is… Read more »

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How Childhood Defenses Hurt Us As Adults

As adults, we are often asked to reflect on the positive influences, role models, and experiences from our past that shaped who we are today. Just as often, in everything from college essays to job interviews, we are asked to retrace an obstacle we overcame, a challenge we faced head on, or a disadvantage we… Read more »

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It Is Immoral To Stop People From Loving You

Some of the most destructive behaviors, commonplace in relationships, are those that people act out in an attempt to ward off loving responses from their partner. In The Ethics of Interpersonal Relationships, I wrote about the dynamics underlying this phenomenon, explaining why we often punish the very person who appreciates and acknowledges us for our positive… Read more »

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