…and internalized. Challenging our voices can shake up our entire sense of identity. It can make us feel unsafe, as it often means exposing painful aspects of our past that we may want to bury. For example, the man who felt he needed to take charge at work with his employees was resistant to looking at the ways he was criticized and commanded over by his own father, who often made him feel small and incompetent. The woman who felt too shy to pursu…
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…I have been depressed. Therefore, depression feels deeply entwined with my identity. Most of that time I felt ashamed of being depressed and, therefore, ashamed of who I was. This is the tragic nature of the stigma surrounding mental illness. Because of the stigma, I thought I was alone, and, that I should keep my symptoms to myself for the benefit of others. I can only speak to my feelings and experiences of depression, but it feels important to…
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…ts and stop incorporating their parent’s deficits into the fabric of their identity. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment in Adults Having grown up experiencing an avoidant attachment pattern, it is more likely for a person to go on to form a dismissive attachment pattern in their relationships with their partner and/or their child. In a romantic relationship, a person with a dismissive avoidant attachment pattern may come off more aloof or, as the name…
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…drawn to about the other person now? Did you lose a sense of your separate identity in this relationship? Did you give up important aspects of your self in an attempt to please your partner? When reflecting on these questions, remember to continue to practice self-compassion. The point of looking at ourselves isn’t to take all the blame or let our inner critic run rampant, but to create a deeper understanding of ourselves and the patterns we bring…
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…y” kid, or a “flaky teenager.” These labels can shape our child’s sense of identity even more than their actions shape the labels. It’s important to avoid definitions and labels that are merely reflections of ourselves or who we want our child to be for ourselves. Often, our perception of our kids is tainted by our own projections. We may even find ourselves inadvertently complaining about them or putting them down in ways of which we are hardly a…
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…sy bond, couples tend to overstep each other’s boundaries and form a fused identity. They start to see themselves as a WE, instead of a YOU and ME. “WE like to go there.” “WE don’t want to go that party.” “WE like that kind of food.” Many of us unintentionally lose track of where we leave off and our partner begins. Without even noticing it, we may be intrusive or controlling toward our partner, acting in a manner that is disrespectful or demeanin…
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…HAT TO DO: The goal in a relationship is to be close and still maintain an identity as a separate person. When people are in an individuated state, they are happier and more optimistic. They have a stronger sense of themselves so they are capable of more intimacy, love and passion in their relationship. Here are some ways to stay yourself in a relationship: Maintain your interests. When two people fall in love, they experience themselves and each…
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…althier, more fulfilling sexuality Sexuality is an important part of one’s identity, yet people often feel turned on themselves in relation to sex. While a person’s sexuality is unique to the individual, there are many ways that people struggle with their sexuality that are highly common but rarely talked about. Whatever a person’s specific sexual desires and preferences may be, there are a lot of complicated feelings about sex that often have to…
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…ur children do represent a symbolic victory over death by perpetuating our identity into the future. This notion is often referred to as gene survival. By transmitting our beliefs, attitudes, vocational skills, and wisdom to our offspring, we establish a sense of connection to the future. Parents, again unconsciously, need to ensure that their children will perpetuate their (the parents’) specific way of life. They feel compelled to shape the chil…
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…o be able to tolerate intimacy, to have a strong sense of one’s own sexual identity and a strong sense of pleasure in one’s sexuality. But all of these goals depend on how much a person is willing to struggle, because within the defensive apparatus, many of these things are limited or blunted or destroyed. The uniqueness of a person can be, you know, actually destroyed. I would like them to go as far as they are willing to go. But how far are they…
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