…ghts, antithetical toward self and cynical toward others, which Dr. Robert Firestone refers to as the “critical inner voice.” I was left wondering when the subjects in the study were daydreaming, were they in fact absorbed in thoughts and “voices” that represented their anti-self? The critical inner voice undermines the ability to interpret events realistically, triggers negative moods, and sabotages the pursuit of satisfaction and joy in life. Th…
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…timized or childish. In his blog, “Don’t Play the Victim Game,” Dr. Robert Firestone wrote “Maintaining a child victim role leads to chronic passivity.” It’s important not to be passive aggressive toward your loved ones. You shouldn’t punish them for not knowing instinctively what you want or for failing to read your mind. No one can expect any one person to meet all their needs. Rather, you should strive to feel like a whole person in yourself. O…
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…fman: In our culture the idea of being vulnerable is associated with being fearful, anxious, and weak. For example, politicians and business leaders tend to project an air of invulnerability. In contrast, one of your central ideas is that vulnerability is an adaptive and desirable state to live in. I’d never thought about it that way before. What exactly do you mean by the word “vulnerable”? Robert Firestone: It’s a complicated issue, but looking…
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…fman: In our culture the idea of being vulnerable is associated with being fearful, anxious, and weak. For example, politicians and business leaders tend to project an air of invulnerability. In contrast, one of your central ideas is that vulnerability is an adaptive and desirable state to live in. I’d never thought about it that way before. What exactly do you mean by the word “vulnerable”? Robert Firestone: It’s a complicated issue, but looking…
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…nt? In his upcoming and updated book, Challenging the Fantasy Bond, Robert Firestone discusses how we recreate the past in our current relationships. The concept of the fantasy bond, when applied to a couple relationship, demonstrates people’s compulsion to relive the past with new persons. The illusory connections they form invariably lead to a re-enactment of defensive styles of relating developed in childhood. In essence, people transform the d…
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…of “Voice Therapy,” developed by my father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, involves putting your critical thoughts in the second-person (as “you” statements.) My friend tried this exercise herself with journaling. First, she wrote down her most shameful feelings in relation to herself as a parent. Rather than writing, “I am a terrible mother,” she wrote, “You are a terrible mother.” She proceeded with, “Your son will grow up hating you….
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…s to forego their individually—losing the “me” to become a “we.” As Robert Firestone explains it, “Perhaps the most significant sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest, their unique points of view and opinions, their individuality, to become a unit, a whole. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identit…
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…t or disappoint us again. We can counter our negative expectations and our fears around intimacy by changing our focus from what our partner does wrong to what they do right. We can achieve this by making a point to notice what we are grateful for in our partner and by then expressing our gratitude toward them. It may feel like it’s hard to let things go, but you can ignore the “voices” that are pointing out “but he said this” and “but she did tha…
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…t all other screens and distractions. Simply being present cultivates deep intimacy, and your connection will deepen all the more when you’re able to meet up in real life. Don’t cut corners Treat your virtual date like a real date: dress up, ask thoughtful questions and engage in meaningful conversation, flirt with your eyes and words. Be creative Plan a fun activity you both enjoy. Of course, your fun activity will be in your own respective home,…
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…rt of the reason people fall into a more limited view of love is that they fear their partner will have less to give them when they love something or someone else as well. Again, I’m not talking about another romantic partner, but if for instance, a person shows passion for a special interest or in their friends, their job, their kids, or even a hobby that lights them up, these things shouldn’t be perceived as threatening or infringing upon their…
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