…e, Ph.D. Peter A. Levine, Ph.D. is the originator and developer of Somatic Experiencing® and the Director of The Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute. He holds doctorate degrees in Medical Biophysics and in Psychology. During his thirty five-year study of stress and trauma, Dr. Levine has contributed to a variety of scientific and popular publications. Dr. Levine was a stress consultant for NASA during the development of the Space Shuttle, and ha…
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…ach other — actions that would rekindle the spark we initially felt in our relationships. Disconnection The trouble with much of the flirting we do via email, text, or live chat is that it can be highly impersonal. Many of the examples we’ve seen of “sexting,” from everyone from close friends to high-profile politicians, seem to cross the line from real relating to total fantasy. The trouble is that people often prefer the intoxicating illusion of…
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…appear to save her. Most of us hold parts of us that want to be saved in a relationship, rescued from past hurts, protected from feeling alone, and even saved from death symbolically, or at least dying alone. The trouble is that projecting these qualities onto our partner distorts them in a way that often leads to destructive outcomes. Moreover, in order to live in fantasy, we have to suspend reality and give up the positive aspects of our relatio…
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…let people know you for who you are. 2) Avoid the “tit for tat” mentality. Couples often get into trouble when they start quantifying what they do for each other. If you find yourself thinking or saying “I will only do this if you do that,” you may be forming an unhealthy habit. Pretty soon, you might find yourself thinking, “Why should I clean the bedroom? He never lifts a finger!” or “Why should I be the one to go toward her and be affectionate?…
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…ly eating to create the perfect body or the perfect health. The quality of relationship to Self, to our emotions, to our body, determines our health. This relationship determines the connections made between our mind, brain, nervous system, and all the other interactive loops of our experience between emotion, thought, behavior, and sensation, to create wholeness and health, or stagnation and illness. The nutrients that make up our health begin wi…
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…eir early interaction and challenged insecurities that later plagued their relationship. Dan Siegel writes of ideal relationships in his book “Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation” that “[a]ttuned couples link together in a mental lovemaking, a joining of minds, in which two people create that beautiful resonant sense of becoming a ‘we.’ The intimacy that blossoms can be amazing, but the journey to get there and remain there can b…
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…paranoia and psychosis. (4) The Formation of a Fantasy Bond in a Romantic Relationship In general, relationships can be conceptualized in terms of the differential effects they have on a person’s sense of self. In constructive relationships, each person’s self-esteem and personal identity is affirmed and nurtured, as contrasted with destructive relationships in which their feeling for themselves and their individuality is damaged. Intimate or rom…
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…rewire their brain to cultivate more security within themselves and their relationships. In couples’ therapy, both partners can go through the process of Voice Therapy, which will help them identify and challenge the critical inner voices that promote expectations of rejection and that fuel their feelings of anger. In their sessions, partners can “give away,” that is, expose their self-criticisms as well as their hostile, cynical attitudes toward…
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…her, and she never wanted food from her mother again. As she grew up, her relationship with food was further complicated by her mother’s own struggle with weight and consistent focus on her young daughter’s figure. As a result, the woman grew up suffering from binge eating, over-feeding herself with a desperation that indicated a disconnectedness from her body. She had trouble distinguishing her real feelings of hunger from a desire to fill herse…
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…til they enter into a deep relationship, at which point they begin to have trouble. In Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (2006), we described several individuals who were abused sexually as children and who became increasingly intolerant of closeness, affection, and passion as their relationship became more meaningful. They began to hold back their responses either sexually or emotionally, trying to stay away from the special combination of l…
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