…” become “I will never meet anyone like him. No one will ever love me?” To help us catch on to this cruel internal dialogue without blindly believing every word it utters, it’s helpful to think of our thoughts in the third person. Would we ever let someone talk to us the way we are shouting at ourselves? Moreover, would we ever tolerate someone speaking to a friend of ours the way our critical inner voice speaks to us? We have to catch on the mome…
Learn More…ed a psychology conference in New York City and stumbled across Dr. Robert Firestone’s book, The Fantasy Bond. In spite of the fact I had stacks of assigned reading, this was the book I couldn’t put down. It enlightened me in ways none of my professors could, answering theoretical questions roaming around in my freshly primed mind. Most importantly, it made sense, not just theoretically, but personally. And this really is the crux of the matter, t…
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…egain genuine loving feelings and regard for one another. Lastly, children whose parents have, for the most part, resolved their issues of trauma and loss from the past have a better chance. In Compassionate Child-Rearing, I described many parents who came to understand and feel for what had happened to them as children. As a result, they were able to develop more compassion for their past and for their present-day limitations. Regaining feeling f…
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…fenses to find themselves. These experiences with clients are part of what helped my father develop his concept of differentiation, in which individuals separate from their assigned identity and challenge the defenses they formed to support this identity. They are then better able to investigate their own unique sense of self. Good therapists aim to see their clients without the overlays on their personality generated by the past, and they take st…
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…and projections on to others and the world at large. At the same time, it helps them alter destructive habits, such as substance abuse and self-harming behaviors. Challenging or moving away from the fantasy bond precipitates considerable anxiety. In this regard, therapeutic methodology threatens clients’ core resistance and a positive outcome depends, to a great extent, on how well they manage to overcome their resistance. In order to develop, a…
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…death concerns but at the expense of feeling childish and powerless. Microsuicide: Microsuicide refers to a myriad of defenses that interfere with the attainment of emotional maturity by accommodating to death anxiety through attacking or limiting oneself. In trying to exert control over their fate, people narrow their experience and gratification thereby giving up important aspects of living, including meaningful relationships, mature sexuality…
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…eboard Video on Differentiation However, as Bach and Deutsch noted, people whose communications are duplicitous “are not usually aware that they are sending two conflicting messages.” Their communications, like their withholding behaviors, are largely unconscious, and these people fail to recognize that their actions don’t match their words. In summary, falling in love not only brings excitement and fulfillment; it also creates anxiety and fears o…
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…m Compassionate Child-Rearing: An In-Depth Approach to Parenting by Robert Firestone, Ph.D. It is vital for parents to respond as real people to their children, rather than role-playing or acting patronizing, strategic, or phony in their interactions with them. It is impossible for parents to “learn how to talk to their children” in a manner that is contrary to their underlying attitudes or way of being. Indeed, any technique, attitude, or approac…
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…In order to have that happy ending, we have to dismantle the defenses that helped us cope during our upbringing, so that we can respond appropriately to this new and loving situation. We have to go against the tendency to be suspicious and distrustful of someone who treats us nicely. We have to resist being critical of someone who loves us. We have to stop ourselves from brushing off their compliments and dismissing their loving words. It is helpf…
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…wn human being. To raise their children in a healthy environment, where they are seen and heard as independent individuals, parents must come to understand the ways in which they hurt their children and the events from their own past that helped motivate their behavior, even on an unconscious level. This book helps parents to thoroughly comprehend their unique experiences and identify the impact they are having on their children, while learning to…
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