Fantasy Bond

Passionate Love: What is the “spark” and how can we keep it alive?

Love is friendship set on fire. ~ Jeremy Taylor Many of us say we’d like to be in love, but have we ever stopped to think what kind of love we’re imagining? Over the years, scientists have made efforts to classify different types of love. Recently, researcher Dr. Barbara Acevedo discovered some good news about one type… Read more »

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Be Mine: Dealing with Possessiveness in a Relationship

How to Create a More Equal and Trusting Relationship The subject of having a possessive or controlling relationship partner may feel worlds away from the sweet sentiment behind asking someone to be your Valentine. However, many couples find there can be a slippery slope from desiring a lover to wanting to own them. When it… Read more »

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You Don’t Really Know Yourself

Examining the persistence of our negative identity My life’s work has focused on understanding resistance in psychotherapy and more specifically, on people’s fundamental resistance to the formation of a better, more positive image of themselves.  For the most part, they are unaware that their lives are controlled and regulated by negative images and attitudes toward… Read more »

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Who’s the Boss in Your Relationship?

How common power dynamics destroy our closest relationships At a recent dinner party, I witnessed a group of friends teasingly ask one another who was in charge in their relationship. The question was meant to be playfully provocative, with most people laughing as everyone else at the table shouted, often in unison, who they perceived… Read more »

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7 Behaviors That Ruin a Relationship

How can you avoid the patterns that destroy a loving relationship? The question of why love fades or why people grow apart in their relationships is one of life’s great mysteries. What prevents us from maintaining the passion, attraction, admiration and closeness we once felt for our partner?  What I have found in my own… Read more »

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Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need

You may already be rolling your eyes at the vast oversimplification of this title… and if you were to go back to read the many articles I’ve written on relationships, you’d know that I don’t think the secret to romantic success can be boiled down to one simple piece of advice. However, if people ask… Read more »

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Stay in Love by Staying Out of Fantasy

There may now be hard science behind the notion that true love can last a lifetime. A neurological study from Stony Brook University revealed that couples who experience “romantic love” long-term can keep their brains firing in similar ways to couples who have just fallen in love. The research team, led by Bianca P. Acevedo and Arthur Aron,… Read more »

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Why Do So Many People Respond Negatively to Being Loved?

Love — kindness, affection, sensitive attunement, respect, companionship — is not only difficult to find, but is even more challenging for many people to accept and tolerate.  In my work with individuals and couples, I have observed countless examples of people reacting angrily when loving responses were directed toward them. One man felt a flash… Read more »

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The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship

Defenses formed in childhood hurt adult relationships. Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while… Read more »

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What Real Love Looks Like

Throughout our lives we compile a picture of what we think real love should look like. Often this process begins early, as little girls listening to fairy tales at bed time will envision their very own knight in shining armor.   As we grow older, we often imagine finding a soul-mate, that perfect person who we… Read more »

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