Fantasy Bond

You Don’t Really Know Yourself

Examining the persistence of our negative identity My life’s work has focused on understanding resistance in psychotherapy and more specifically, on people’s fundamental resistance to the formation of a better, more positive image of themselves.  For the most part, they are unaware that their lives are controlled and regulated by negative images and attitudes toward… Read more »

Read More

Who’s the Boss in Your Relationship?

How common power dynamics destroy our closest relationships At a recent dinner party, I witnessed a group of friends teasingly ask one another who was in charge in their relationship. The question was meant to be playfully provocative, with most people laughing as everyone else at the table shouted, often in unison, who they perceived… Read more »

Read More

7 Behaviors That Ruin a Relationship

How can you avoid the patterns that destroy a loving relationship? The question of why love fades or why people grow apart in their relationships is one of life’s great mysteries. What prevents us from maintaining the passion, attraction, admiration and closeness we once felt for our partner?  What I have found in my own… Read more »

Read More

Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need

You may already be rolling your eyes at the vast oversimplification of this title… and if you were to go back to read the many articles I’ve written on relationships, you’d know that I don’t think the secret to romantic success can be boiled down to one simple piece of advice. However, if people ask… Read more »

Read More

Stay in Love by Staying Out of Fantasy

There may now be hard science behind the notion that true love can last a lifetime. A neurological study from Stony Brook University revealed that couples who experience “romantic love” long-term can keep their brains firing in similar ways to couples who have just fallen in love. The research team, led by Bianca P. Acevedo and Arthur Aron,… Read more »

Read More

Why Do So Many People Respond Negatively to Being Loved?

Love — kindness, affection, sensitive attunement, respect, companionship — is not only difficult to find, but is even more challenging for many people to accept and tolerate.  In my work with individuals and couples, I have observed countless examples of people reacting angrily when loving responses were directed toward them. One man felt a flash… Read more »

Read More

The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship

Defenses formed in childhood hurt adult relationships. Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while… Read more »

Read More

What Real Love Looks Like

Throughout our lives we compile a picture of what we think real love should look like. Often this process begins early, as little girls listening to fairy tales at bed time will envision their very own knight in shining armor.   As we grow older, we often imagine finding a soul-mate, that perfect person who we… Read more »

Read More

Why Domestic Violence Occurs and How to Stop It

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and with domestic violence on the rise, it is an important time to face this difficult issue. This year, the nationwide Mary Kay Truth About Abuse Survey showed that “8 out of 10 domestic violence shelters nationwide reported an increase in women seeking help.” The economy has had an… Read more »

Read More

Dr. Sheldon Solomon on the Fantasy Bond: Exclusive Interview

The following transcript contains part of an exclusive interview with Dr. Lisa Firestone and Dr. Sheldon Solomon. Dr. Sheldon Solomon talks about the Fantasy Bond. SS: You know, Horney’s view was that all of us of necessity experience what she called basic anxiety, you know, the attachment people call it primal terror.  Call it what… Read more »

Read More