6 Reasons you should NEVER Compare your Relationships

6 Reasons you should NEVER Compare your Relationships“I wish my husband was like my ex. He was so much more affectionate!”

“If my wife were like _____ I would never feel bored in bed.”

If these sentiments sound familiar, your relationship may be on the fast track to disaster!

There is an old saying that goes “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This phrase has been around for decades, and for good reason. The moment you start comparing your partner to another relationship is the moment you choose to be unhappy.

Your spouse is not your ex and they’re not your friend’s husband or wife. They are unique, with their own set of experiences and beliefs.

Stop comparing your spouse to someone else and start looking at their positive qualities and loving them for who they are.

Here are 6 reasons why the urge to compare will be your downfall.

  1. It isn’t fair

Think of your two favorite foods. Maybe you like pizza and you also love roasted broccoli.

Broccoli and pizza are two very different food groups, yet you love them both.

The same can be said for your current partner. They may not have the same qualities as your last partner did, but that doesn’t mean you should love them any less. They’re both great in different ways!

Comparing your partner to someone else isn’t fair.

You shouldn’t get serious with someone if your only intention is to change them.

  1. It will make you feel bitter

Here’s a solid piece of relationship advice for couples: if all you can think about is how your ex did X, Y, and Z for you and you wish your new spouse was like that, you have a serious problem!

You and your ex aren’t together for a reason. As the old saying goes, “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.”

Wishing for your spouse to be like an ex (or like a partner from someone else’s relationship) will make you feel bitter toward the love your partner shows. In the end, you’ll only be left feeling unhappy.

You’ll start to resent your spouse for who they aren’t instead of loving them for who they are, which is seriously dangerous territory to be in.

  1. It sets unrealistic expectations

Under the right circumstances, it can be easy to get caught up in the past and start comparing your spouse to someone you loved before, but be warned that doing so may signal the end of your happy relationship.

The moment your start comparing your relationship to your friend’s marriage or an ex is the same moment you choose to be unhappy. Why? Because it sets unrealistic expectations from your partner.

We all wish we could take the best parts from every relationship we’ve ever been in and mould them into the perfect partner, but that’s Frankenstein science! These unrealistic expectations will only end up making you both miserable, so it’s best to avoid them altogether.

  1. It makes your spouse feel worthless

Can you imagine the marriage therapy you would need if your spouse came to you and said, “I wish you were more like my ex.? They were more adventurous in the bedroom” or “My friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend seems so much more loving than you do. Can’t you be more like them?”

Odds are you would feel worthless and unappreciated by your spouse, and that’s exactly how your partner will feel when you start comparing them to others.

Even if your spouse started to take qualities of someone else, it wouldn’t be a replica of your past experience because no two relationships are the same. You can’t expect the love from your new partner to feel like someone else’s, because each relationship is its own unique experience.

  1. You’re missing out on the good

The more you choose to look at the downfalls of your spouse, the more miserable you will be in your relationship.

Instead of focusing on what you wish you would change in your relationship, look at your partner’s appealing qualities. They may not be as affectionate as your former partner, but what do they do that drives you wild?

Make a list of how they show affection and write down what they do that makes you smile or the qualities they have that you find admirable.

Making a physical checklist will help remind you of all of the wonderful reasons you fell in love with your partner in the first place.

  1. It isn’t showing respect for your new love

A great relationship is all about respect. It means you show honor or esteem to your partner. You are courteous of their boundaries and feel esteem for their positive qualities.

When you compare your spouse to someone else, you aren’t showing respect for what an awesome person they are. Comparisons can be a little bit selfish because you’re only thinking of what your partner can do for you, instead of considering the great aspects of your relationship like what good friends you are or how well you communicate.

 

What to do if you can’t stop comparing your spouse

If you are stuck in a loop of spousal comparisons, a marriage therapist can help. Your counselor can help you get to the root of what is making you feel the need to hold your partner to somebody else’s standard.

A marriage therapist can also give solid relationship advice for couples on building intimacy and strengthening their communication and conflict resolution skills.

If you are having issues with your spouse, a marriage therapist can help give solid relationship advice for couples. Marriage therapy can help even the most frustrated couples learn to love again. A counselor can teach you and your spouse how to communicate, build trust, and find joy in your relationship again.

About the Author

Rachael Pace Rachael is a noted writer currently associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of her motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying about today's evolving forms of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on all types of romantic connections. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together.

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