Radical curiosity is a superpower. Over the years, many people in various fields have described the benefits of this approach. In 2017, Bill Nye (the Science Guy) presented it as a way of empowering people to stop climate change and foster a better future. He recommended nurturing curiosity throughout one’s entire life to identify and tackle problems effectively.
In 2022, designer and entrepreneur Seth Goldenberg argued that only by fostering and rediscovering curiosity “can we hope to remake our organizations, our politics, and our lives.” This year, in their book How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, psychologists Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis have identified radical curiosity as one of those five valuable mindsets.
Radical curiosity allows for kinder, more open, and more interesting exchanges between us and other people. For example, it can help span a divide with even the most reticent teen: “This school sucks!” … “How do you mean?” Those four words, repeated in varying forms throughout this kind of conversation, can give us a wide window into a teen’s emotional world.
Radical curiosity can also bring an ease to otherwise difficult conversations with our partners: “Your tone bothered me earlier when we were talking about our budget. I don’t like when we are at odds, so I want to understand what you were thinking when you said that.” It is a non-attacking approach to a thorny issue that allows a partner to explore the subject without being on the defensive.
Radical curiosity can encourage productive business conversations: “I disagree with your assessment.” … “Tell me more, how do you see the issue?” This enables the discussion to become broader and leads to greater possibilities.
It has occurred to me that, in addition to engaging this superpower to improve our interpersonal world, we can also use it to improve our relationship with ourselves. What if we approached ourselves with radical curiosity? What if we were truly open-minded about our choices, reactions, and desires? What if we could access a more objective, non-judgmental way of looking at ourselves? The challenge is to go about experiencing our lives without our habitual assumptions, expectations, and comparisons; and how to overcome the obstacles to maintaining this mindset. The following are essential to this endeavor:
Be aware of the Critical Inner Voice
Our self-attacking views stem from deep-seated critical attitudes we have internalized toward ourselves. In a sense, our self-concept is divided between this “anti-self” and our real self. Our real self is shaped out of nurturing experiences in which we identified with our early caretakers’ positive traits and their caring attitudes and behaviors, while the anti-self comes from the opposite – those painful experiences in which we witnessed or experienced critical, shaming, or resentful attitudes that we then internalized. These ingrained critical inner voices have helped mold our sense of identity, an identity that is false because it fails to reflect who we really are—that is, who we would be in the absence of these attacks.
We can identify our critical inner voice in certain ways of thinking. For example, it forms assumptions (“You’ve always been shy. You don’t present well in interviews”), raises expectations (“You should be making more money at this stage in your life”), and fuels comparisons (“Everyone else is in a relationship. They’ve settled down. What’s with you?”).
By recognizing this enemy within, we can adopt a more compassionate, realistic view of ourselves and separate from its skewed opinions and unkind attitudes toward us. Initially, this may lead to increased anxiety and self-attacks, but these will subside as we persist in staying open and curious toward ourselves.
Embrace self-compassion
Kristin Neff, a lead researcher in self-compassion, has identified Three Components of Self-Compassion: mindfulness, self-kindness and common humanity. Mindfulness allows us to “be” with our thoughts and feelings as they are. Self-kindness helps us to treat ourselves with care and understanding rather than harsh judgment. Common humanity teaches us that suffering and mistakes are part of being human, making us worthy of compassion.
Self-compassion allows us to have feeling for the events that shaped our sense of identity and to recognize our true selves separate from the harmful influences from our past. Practicing self-compassion leads to a friendlier and more fair-minded experience of ourselves.
Look for clues in your emotional reactions
Having radical curiosity about ourselves involves looking for clues and finding what they mean about us. The most significant clues are our emotional reactions. This is particularly true around our big feelings, What makes us especially angry, sad, or resentful? Rather than judging these as negative and trying to avoid them, we can be curious: “Why are these feelings so strong? What are my thoughts around this? Does part of this feel old and familiar?” Being curious in the moment about what is actually happening, about our physical and emotional reactions in a given situation, leads to a fuller knowledge of ourselves.
The same is true of positive feelings. When something excites us, it is a clue about what is meaningful to us. A valuable part of being curious about ourselves is finding out: What draws me in? What lights me up? And therefore, who am I?
Radical curiosity is a superpower. Embracing this approach interrupts habitual ways of seeing and defining ourselves, allowing for more kindness and clarity. We become more aware of the depth and breadth of our lives – our fears and our passions, our quirks and our strengths, what we value, and who we cherish. All the ways of being and feeling that make us unique in this world.