Most of us approach the December holidays with the same excitement and high expectations we felt as children. These are fueled by the Christmas advertisements and decorations that appear earlier and earlier each year. Movies show charming families sharing cozy celebrations. Influencers supply beautiful images of perfect Christmas tables. Yet for many of us, our actual holiday doesn’t measure up to the pictures in our heads of what it’s supposed to be. In spite of our best efforts to create a happy holiday, something throws us off and we end up disappointed and, even worse, turned against ourselves and alienated from others.
Why is this? There is something in us that turns us against ourselves and others: our “critical inner voice.” Or, for the month of December, let’s think of it as an inner grinch that is trying to ruin our holiday season.
The critical inner voice can be conceived of as the dialogue of our defense system. It tends to attack us when we are feeling vulnerable. It is especially active during the holiday season for several reasons. We lose track of ourselves by getting caught up in trying to achieve perfection and comparing ourselves to others. We are thrown off by being alone or being in old familial situations. During these times, the critical inner voice actively reinforces a basic belief that we are not good enough. It makes us feel worthless and less than everyone else. It encourages us to be alone, then belittles us for being lonely.
So what can we do? The first step is to recognize the critical inner voice for what it is. We often mistakenly regard this on-going dialogue as just part of who we are. But it is valuable to identify it as an “enemy within.” By doing this, we can begin to separate our real selves from its destructive point of view. We can become aware that it is not a representation of who we really are and that it is in fact working to sabotage us.
This awareness will enable us to form an accurate and compassionate view of ourselves and to not heed this inner grinch’s hurtful advice. The second step is to clarify this positive self-concept, thereby supporting and strengthening it. And finally, the third step is to take actions that go against the dictates of our critical inner voice, further empowering us and supporting our interests.
During the holidays, it is helpful to be aware of the following situations and how the critical voice is impacting them.
When we expect perfection
Everywhere we look, our expectations are being raised regarding the holidays. Bloggers offer extensive gift lists for everyone in your family. Everyday there are new and more elaborate recipes for preparing Christmas dinners. Idealized holiday movies abound where family differences are resolved and tied up in a nice holiday bow by the end. The grinch has a lot to say during the time leading up to Christmas.
It is helpful to state these attacks in the third person rather than the first person. This helps identify them as coming from an alien attitude toward you and to separate them from your actual view of yourself.
- You have to get them an expensive gift.
- Make the perfect meal. Decorate the house to look picture perfect.
- Make sure your family looks good and the kids are getting along.
The buildup leading up to Christmas sets us up for a certain amount of letdown. We can feel this in relation to everything from gifts to meals to interactions with family members.
- This party is terrible. No one is having a good time.
- The decorations are silly. The meal is a failure.
- The kids are acting weird.
No matter how great it all turns out, holiday celebrations never seem to quite live up to what we were looking forward to.
- This party was a waste of your time and money. You never should have attempted it.
- The presents you gave are terrible…cheap…not as good as everyone else’s.
- Everyone thinks you have a dysfunctional family.
So what is your point of view? How would you formulate it? It is helpful to keep these statements in the first person, after all, they represent your actual view of yourself.
- Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. This isn’t about how things look; it’s about offering everyone a good time. It’s not about an image; it’s about me being authentic and enjoying being with my family and friends.
- The house doesn’t look perfect; the kids are wearing crazy outfits; some of the food is cold, I spilled on myself…but none of that matters. It’s real and reality is messy. But we’re all enjoying each other and that’s what matters.
- Some of the gifts were a hit and some were a miss. The house is now a mess. But I enjoyed being with everyone; I had a great time. A few people drank too much and got a little rowdy or testy, but overall everyone got on well.
What actions could you take?
Don’t apologize for anything…not for the cold food or the tipsy people or the messy house. None of that matters. Focus on the guests and engaging with them. Enjoy this opportunity to spend time with them and celebrate this holiday together.
When we end up alone and feeling lonely
For those of us who are alone, we tend to feel lonelier than usual this time of year. It is easy to imagine the rest of the world out there joyously celebrating the holiday season together. Unfortunately, the inner grinch is very vocal about this situation.
- Look at you! Everyone is celebrating with loved ones and family, and you are alone!
- No one loves you; no one cares about you. You are such a loser.
- What is it about you that you don’t have friends and you ended up here by yourself?
So what is your point of view? How would you formulate it?
I am lonely right now. I would like to be celebrating Christmas with friends and family, but that’s not happening this year. I can have compassion for myself and how I feel right now. Just because I am alone doesn’t mean that I am unlovable. Plus I can do things to remedy this situation: I can do things that I enjoy and find meaningful. I can focus on my friendships this coming year and plan better for next Christmas.
What actions could you take?
You can enjoy your own company by using this time to pursue an interest, do something you like or even try something new. Being in nature has been proven to help a person’s mood and elevate their spirits. You can walk in the park or go for a hike. If you’re far from the people you care about, reach out to them. Text, email or FaceTime to check in with them and wish them a happy holiday. You can seek out situations where you’re sharing an experience with others, even strangers. You can volunteer; being part of a team working on a project with other people creates a sense of camaraderie.
When we spend time with our family
Going home can stir up emotions we’ve forgotten about, ignored or are even unaware of. These are often triggered in the old settings where a lot of complex memories took place. Some memories may be joyful, but others are painful. Being around people we grew up with can make us feel like kids again, on the inside re-experiencing old feelings or just not feeling like ourselves. Because our inner critic started forming early in our lives based on ways we felt and were seen in our family, we can expect it to get a louder when we are in environments from our past.
- They are still smarter than you. You always were the stupid one.
- Mom/Dad aren’t even listening to your story. You are still being overlooked by them.
- Come on, think of something impressive to say!! Don’t sit there silently.
So what is your point of view? How would you formulate it?
I know I’m being triggered. Every time they say something, I get that old feeling that I’m the stupid boring youngest kid. I used to feel like this all the time growing up, but I’m not that kid anymore. I want to have some compassion for myself and be patient. I know who I am now. I’m not sure they even see me like this; it’s just the past coming back to haunt me.
What actions could you take?
During the holidays, it may be challenging to maintain your adult self while spending time with certain members of your family. Therefore, it’s important to make time to be with your family-of-choice. This can be a group of friends, your kids, your partner–anyone who makes you feel good and more in touch with yourself. These are the people who make you feel the most like you, who make you laugh, who think or feel in ways that resonate with you.
When we become reflective
We measure time differently in December. It’s the end of a year and the beginning of a new one and tends to be a time of reflection. It is steeped in tradition and memories that span our lives, juxtaposing the past and the present. We often use it to reflect not only on what we’ve gained and who we’ve become, but on what we’ve lost and what didn’t happen. We may feel a natural sadness that comes with both our losses and our gains.
However, there is a fine line between self-reflection and self-criticism. It’s one thing to look back on our year with curiosity and an interest in any changes we’d make in the future. It’s another thing when the critical inner voice starts judging us like a cold critic, scrutinizing us and beating us up over our shortcomings. Pretty soon, instead of being in a state of poignant reflection, we find ourselves down a rabbit hole of self-criticism with our critical inner voice.
- Everyone is in a relationship. Why are you still alone? It’s so humiliating!
- Look how successful he is. You’ll never have a successful career.
- She is so together. You’re such a mess.
So what is your point of view? How would you formulate it?
There is much for me to reflect on this year, both good and bad. There’s no point in focusing only on the negative. This has been a good year too, and now is the time to appreciate that. There is much for me to be grateful for, and I don’t want to overlook that.
What actions could you take?
You can make a list of what you have achieved this year. And what you are currently working on and making progress with. You can also start a Gratitude Journal by using a notebook or app to list sources of joy, preferably daily. This practice has been proven to help cultivate appreciation and a positive view of life.
The excitement and enthusiasm we experience during the holidays are part of the magic of this time of year. In the midst of these positive feelings, it is helpful to be mindful of our inner grinch and how it can try to ruin Christmas for us. When the critical inner voice tries to distract us from our life, we can interfere with it taking over. We can recognize when it is luring us into an unhealthy point of view toward ourselves. We can then formulate a more accurate and compassionate way of seeing ourselves. Once we come back to what is important to us, we can take actions that reconnect us to our experiences and the people around us. We can be present and able to enjoy this meaningful time of year.