In February, we are compelled to turn our attention to love. Romantic cards and flowers and gifts are marketed everywhere. Love stories stream on TV. It seems like everyone is making special plans for Valentine’s Day. But what if there is a discrepancy between our relationship and what we are being sold as “normal” out there in the world? What if we are a bit disillusioned about love? What if we have come to realize that our “perfect partner” can’t fulfil our list of expectations (i.e. being attractive, intelligent, sensitive, responsible, funny, and sharing our interests)? What if they aren’t a completely compatible companion for life, attuned to us 24/7?
We are taught to expect this from childhood – from fairy tales to teen novels to modern-day Romcoms. It doesn’t matter if the actual examples in our lives have fallen short of this – our parents’ or our peer’s relationships, or even our own — we tend to look at these as anomalies, with an eye to a future in which our perfect partner will materialize. Who doesn’t want that kind of love story? But there is a reason romantic fiction always begins when the couple first meets and ends when they fall in love. In reality, this is just the first chapter of a relationship, before partners get down to the business of establishing a life together.
Typically, people imagine their new relationship partner to be perfect and then, after coming to know them better, become aware of habits or characteristics that bother them. They realize there are interests they do not share. Their image of the perfect partner becomes tarnished. People may try to preserve this image by idealizing their partner, overlooking qualities they don’t like and even exaggerating some qualities they do. For example, they may act like their partner is funnier or more interesting to them than they actually are. This requires selling out on oneself, because to make more of their partner, a person must make less of themselves. This strategy is particularly harmful because it diminishes the chance of genuine relating – the partner being built up doesn’t feel seen and the other loses a sense of their personal self-worth.
Or, when flaws in the “perfect” partner begin to become apparent, people might become disillusioned and angry. They can feel victimized, like they are not getting what they’re entitled to. This often leads to becoming critical of the partner, focusing on and even exaggerating any of their faults and shortcomings. This kind of judgmental attitude is supported by a person’s critical inner voice. The voice is a self-protective defense that can discourage intimacy by espousing a negative point of view about the person themselves, their partner, and their relationship. It attacks the person (You don’t know how to be in a relationship!) and/or their partner (They are so stupid/insensitive/weak etc.) and/or their relationship (This relationship is doomed to fail! Where’s the love/ passion/ compatibility?) All too quickly, a person can be turned against their partner, themselves, and the whole relationship.
The problem is that in both the original expectation and the reaction when it’s shattered, people are overlooking a fundamental reality. Each one of us is a unique human being with our own interests, some that we will share with our partner and some that we won’t. And because we are human, we are imperfect. We have strengths and weaknesses. There is no perfect person, thus there can be no perfect partner.
In thinking about this, a term coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott comes to mind: the “good-enough mother.” This not-perfect parent provides a safe environment and an emotional connection, and meets some, but not all, of their child’s needs. Because the parent is less than perfect, the child adapts and develops skills to deal with disappointment and frustration. The child is offered a genuine relationship with a genuine person rather than trying to relate to someone who is projecting an image of perfection.
Similarly, the psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D. has written about the “good enough relationship.” In this type of relationship, people are not looking to have all of their needs met by their partner. They don’t assume their relationship will be free of conflict. They don’t expect to resolve all their disagreements. Gottman quotes Dr. Dan Wile, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.” In the “good enough relationship,” people don’t look to their partner and relationship to solve all of their problems or to heal their childhood wounds. They are not looking for their missing piece.
Gottman has identified reasonable expectations for partners that have to do with how they treat each other. These include treating one another with kindness, love, affection and respect as well as being intolerant of emotional or physical abuse. In his research, he has observed that partners who model this type of behavior toward one another are able to develop a closer and more intimate relationship. They trust one another and are fully committed to each other. They manage conflict constructively to arrive at mutual understandings and compromises that work. And they are able to repair effectively when they hurt one another.
With realistic expectations, the not-perfect, good-enough relationship gives each member of the couple a chance to be real. Each has the opportunity to maintain their sense of self, while appreciating and supporting their partner’s unique interests and qualities. In my book, Daring to Love, I emphasize the importance of preserving each partner’s individuality in a relationship.
Two fundamental factors contributing to the success of a relationship are: each partner’s continued development as an individual, and their appreciation and support for their partner’s individuality. To this end, we learn to value our independence and strive to maintain our integrity by remaining adult, open, undefended, and honest in our interactions. We also learn to respect the fact that our partner is a sovereign individual, separate from us and our relationship. A relationship thrives when two individuals with a strong sense of self bring their distinctive and varied qualities to their partnership.
To keep a relationship real, it’s best to avoid getting caught up in the fantasy and expectation of the perfect relationship. This can be challenging this month when faced with all the marketing and idealization of love. But we can appreciate that we’re in a loving relationship in which we and our partner are two unique human beings creating a genuine connection in a real and imperfect world.
This post was originally published as Genuine Relating in an Imperfect World on August 4, 2021, and has been updated to include new insights.