Dr. Don Meichenbaum, PTSD expert, discusses an individuals journey from birth, to engaging in violence in this exclusive interview series with Dr. Lisa Firestone.

I’m a clinical psychologist and for thirty-five years, I had been involved at the University of Waterloo, which is near Toronto and we have developed what are called cognitive-behavioral procedures to work with children, adolescents, and adults. In fact, we developed a procedure called stress-inoculation training, which is the best evidence- based intervention in working with angry and aggressive individuals.

So after being at the University for 35 years, I retired and I have become a research director for the Melissa Institute For Violence Prevention and I invite your viewers to visit the website because we have a lot of information that they could access, both as educators and others, about how to alter the trajectory of violent behavior.

Many of the individuals I work with, I have a whole project now with returning veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan and they have a high incidence of not only dealing with the PTSD, but the anger and substance abuse. So we have worked with them and having them appreciate how you can also address substance abuse which also exacerbates it.

I think we have a pretty good feel, and if your viewers visit the Melissa Institute website, you will see how you make a violent individual. You see, Melissa was a young lady who went to Washington University in St. Louis, and she was in her last year and she was car jacked and murdered. Now when such a tragedy like that befalls an individual, one of the things they do is they transform their pain into something good that could come of it.  So they created this institute against violence and I am the research director. We run conferences, we train people, and we do consultations. Everything that the Melissa Institute does is available free and online. So if your viewers are interested in following this up, I really invite them to visit the www.MelissaInstitute.org. There’s a sister website for educators, these websites have gotten over 3 million hits, so people are using these procedures with some efficacy pretty much around the world.

Violence Prevention: A Gender Sensitive Approach

This is a critically important event. You watch the 6 o’clock news, CNN, Headline news, every one is another story of violence. We now need to address that — both on a preventative and treatment basis — and that’s what I and the Melissa Institute are committed to doing. And you need to do this in a gender-sensitive way because it turns out that treating girls is different than treating boys in terms of how aggression develops and therefore, you need gender-specific kinds of issues.

Dr. F: What do you see as the differences?

Once again, we had a whole conference at the Melissa Institute (about this) and so I’m going to only capture the bit of this, but girls are much more likely to have what is called relational aggression, silent bullying, gossiping, exclusion and so forth. Boys do this as well and there are different developmental courses. Girls are more likely to have a history of victimization, they’re more likely to have co-morbid features of depression, suicidality, so one of the things that is now been developed, both by Beth Peppler, in Toronto, programs in Oregon, is how to have gender-sensitive interventions that address these kinds of needs.

The other thing is that these girls who are violent and aggressive are more likely to have a history of victimization that needs to be addressed, as part of the therapy process. So over and above the skills training, the stress inoculation, you need to have trauma-focused interventions, which is the major treatment for PTSD in the area of cognitive-behavioral interventions. Remember I said that individuals who have PTSD are very prone, up to 7 times more likely to be violent. So addressing the co-occurrence of that is an absolutely critical issue.

Dr. F: And that’s true in males as well, I imagine.

That’s true of males and females.

Dr. F: Because men that we interviewed who have been violent, have incredible trauma histories.

DM: Yes, incredible and the question is how can we help them deal with that trauma history besides using aggressive responses? How do you get them to transform that anger, that pain, that grief, that guilt, that shame.

No One is Doomed to a Life of Violence

I think that there are individuals who fall along the dimension of angry and aggressive behavior, especially with co-occurant problems, who vary in their prognosis and the likelihood of them benefiting from treatment. But from my perspective, I don’t think the data says there’s anyone you should write off, OK. I do not think you are doomed. Now, the later you intervene, the less likelihood of success. The more likely that people are surrounded by peers where aggression is valued and honored in that culture, the degree to which aggression works, the lower the likelihood of them benefitting from treatment.
But there are numerable accounts of people who have been very angry and aggressive, who have found faith, spirituality, who have found a mate, who have found a mission, who have transformed their pain into something good that could come of it. So from my point of view, I think that there is hope for all. That doesn’t reduce the risk, I’m not an unrealistic person, but I would not give up on any individual and moreover have them think about how they can make a gift of their experience. So we have asked people who have been rather angry and aggressive, what advice would they have for other people so they don’t follow in their footsteps? So the name of the game is how to make a gift of your experience that could help others. There are clearly some serial killers, other people who I would not like to release and count on therapy to avoid that process. Them being put away is reassuring to me and to society. But before you ever got to that point, do you think we could have intervened?
Especially with those people with histories, you’re talking about 20% of kids coming into schools having that background. What are we now doing to address that?

 
Donald Meichenbaum, Ph.D. is  a founder of Cognitive Behavioral Modification and has been voted one of the 10 most influential psychotherapists of the Century by North American clinicians in a survey reported in the American Psychologist.  Dr. Meichenbaum is Distinguished Professor Emeritus at the University of Waterloo, Ontario, Canada, and maintains a private practice as a clinical psychologist.

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In my experience, that role does not work when applied to children. I have learned that although I may be older, have more experience and have had more years of education, that does not grant me the privilege of being an intrinsically better person.  The children I teach are just as important as I am.  Their thoughts, feelings, fears and joys are just as worthwhile as mine.  In that respect, we are all in the same boat.

When I learned this and approached the kids from a basic human level, I found we could deal with each other with mutual understanding.  The role-play was gone.  I am now in the fortunate position of being able to help the kids I teach to get on in life, help them function in our society and hopefully learn how to behave in a way that allows them to respect themselves.

I have one child who has had a fascination with dinosaurs for the past four years.  I respect his knowledge, which honestly at this point is greater then mine.  I don’t know everything, am not an expert in everything and sometimes am learning with the kids I teach. This makes for a fun exchange between us, an acknowledgment of each other and our strengths and weaknesses. Being able to relate as a fellow human – and not in a role – is what makes teaching an enjoyable and satisfying endeavor to me.

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Whether your child grows up to lead a productive, satisfying life — or instead grows up to lead a life of crime — a new study shows that self-control is a determining factor.  An added benefit for those who have learned this form of personal power at an early age?  Fewer health problems and fewer financial problems, according to Terrie Moffitt, professor of psychology at Duke University and King’s College London.

NPR reported:

Self-control keeps us from eating a whole bag of chips or from running up the credit card. A new study says that self-control makes the difference between getting a good job or going to jail — and we learn it in preschool.

“Children who had the greatest self-control in primary school and preschool ages were most likely to have fewer health problems when they reached their 30s,” says Terrie Moffitt, a professor of psychology at Duke University and King’s College London.

Moffitt and a team of researchers studied a group of 1,000 people born in New Zealand in 1972 and 1973, tracking them from birth to age 32. The new study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, is the best evidence yet on the payoff for learning self-discipline early on.

For further information on this study, and for a little parenting advice as to how to help your child with his or her self-development in this area:

Read the full article published here

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“Example is not the main thing, it is the only thing.” Albert Schwitzer

The most powerful influence that parents can have on their children’s lives is the example they set by how they live their own lives. Children instinctively identify with and imitate their parents. This psychological process has a much greater impact on a child’s personality than any guidance, advice, rules or prescriptions for living that a parent can give.

This fact alone is enough to motivate us to become better people. To be positive role models for our children, we can identify and change the negative personality traits within ourselves that we do not want to pass on to them. And we can also develop qualities in ourselves that will have a powerful impact on the kind of people our children grow up to become.

We must strive to be mature and consistent in our attitudes and conduct. We need to resist regressing into bad moods or childish behaviors (such as being irresponsible, self-indulgent or victimized). They must set a good example by exhibiting honesty and integrity in our interactions with others, and by treating others with respect and equality. We demonstrate our respect for our offspring by developing positive qualities in ourselves so as to have a positive effect on their development.

Ultimately, the greatest impact that we have on our children comes from us valuing and living our own lives. Many of us operate with the mistaken belief that good parenting involves sacrificing yourself for your children. However, we do not offer our children our best by being self-sacrificing and giving up parts of ourselves. We can only offer them our best by attempting to fulfill ourselves and be the most that we can be.

Only by genuinely valuing ourselves, accepting our feelings and priorities, and actively participating in our lives, do we teach our children to live lives of meaning. We know that if our own lives are insulated, desperate or self-protective, we will not inspire our children to seek adventure or challenges. We know that if we lead lives that are characteristically dull and conforming, we will fail to provide vital or lively examples for our children to emulate.

By continuing to develop ourselves as people, we are encouraging our children to be open and to take reasonable risks in expanding their world. As parents, we are demonstrating our respect for our offspring by developing positive qualities in ourselves so as to have a positive effect on their development.

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One of parenting’s most challenging opportunities

Often in circumstances where it is necessary for a parent to discipline a child, the parent’s own anger or frustration comes through in lieu of healthy guidance and direction. At these times, we hear words we never thought we’d say coming out of our mouths: “Because I say so!” “If you don’t do it, you are going to be in big trouble!” “Get out of my sight!” “You’re driving me crazy!” Here we are, trying to get our kids to control their actions, and we are feeling out of control ourselves. We need to shift our focus from our over-reactions to our children and to what’s going on that might be causing them to act out. How does a parent shift from being effected negatively by their children to having a positive effect on them?

How to calm down:

Experts recommend that when adults have problems handling their anger toward children, they give themselves a period of time to cool off. Parents can take a “Time Out,” too. By stepping back from the interaction with the child and slowly counting backwards from 20 to zero, the parent can calm down. They can then distract the kid with some other activity, or if he is still upset, they can temporarily leave him in someone else’s hands. Later on, parents can think about why they were so angry and examine the emotions their children triggered in them. By gaining insight into their over-reactions, they can better understand themselves as people and develop as parents.

There is never a circumstance extreme enough to warrant physical discipline of a child. Parents can effectively teach a kid right from wrong without resorting to hitting, spanking, beating or violently shaking the child. Adults who are assertive and powerful in their own lives can effectively stop their children’s annoying behaviors with words.

Discipline and punishment should never be reflective of parents’ mood swings. Parents must be sensitive to the fact that when adults get angry, kids perceive them as big and frightening. When an adult’s anger toward a child gets out of control, the child experiences the intensity of the anger as being life-threatening. At these times of extreme stress, with no other options available for coping with the parental threat, kids react by disconnecting from themselves. This type of disassociation causes the most serious damage to the psyche of a person.

How to discipline a child:

Discipline should not be regarded as a psychological penal system whose purpose is to punish a child for being bad. Discipline should not serve as a form of punishment at all but should operate as a form of teaching. The root word of discipline is “disciple: to follow a leader or role model.” The purpose of discipline is to help teach a child to be the kind of person who likes him/herself, as well as the kind of person that other people, including the parents, like, respect, and enjoy being with. When disciplining children, the focus of the adults should always be on teaching their children. There are several important lessons to teach children when disciplining them.

While disciplining a child, it is very important to make the child aware that the parent is angry at the child’s behavior, not at the child. The parent must make a clear distinction between the child and the child’s behavior. The child must realize that when the parent dislikes a child’s behavior, it does not mean that the parent dislikes the child. By making this important distinction, the parent is conveying that the child is not essentially a bad person. Rather it is his/her behavior, which the child can be change, that is unacceptable.

If children are acting out toward other kids, try to help them put themselves in the other child’s position and see how they made them feel. Help your kids  relate to the feelings they would feel if they were in the other child’s position. This will help the child develop emotional intelligence. Just telling kids to say sorry will not teach them to feel remorseful, but thinking about how they would feel does.

When the child responds to the discipline and stops the negative behavior, the sensitive parent responds appropriately to the change in the child’s mood and behavior. The parent’s angry feelings are naturally altered and the parent feels positively toward the child. At this point, it is valuable for the adult to commend the child for responding to the discipline. The child will feel supported and cared for by the parent.

After the child’s negative behavior has been controlled, it is valuable for the parent and child to discuss what happened. It is important for the child to understand why he/she was being disciplined otherwise he/she will learn nothing from the interaction. Both parent and child can have a calm, reasonable conversation about what the child did and why the parent was angry at the behavior. The parent should be friendly and caring in the conversation. He/she should explain what he/she objected to in the child’s behavior. The parent should not harbor any vindictive feelings toward the child. The parent shouldn’t labor the point. Once it is clear that the child understands why he/she was disciplined, the conversation should move on.

Finally, after the child has been disciplined, the adult should reassure the child that he/she is not bad. A child should never go away from a disciplinary interaction feeling that he/she is a bad person. Parents should be affectionate with the child. They should tell the child that he/she is a good kid. Parents should explain to children that it is never appropriate to hate one’s self for wrong-doing: Why hate yourself? It isn’t you that is being criticized. It is your behavior and that can be changed!! Therefore, the appropriate reaction to discipline or criticism is obvious and simple: change your behavior in the future.

How to help a child change their negative behavior:

For many parents, the disciplinary process ends when the negative behavior ends. However, these parents are stopping short and missing out on a valuable part of the disciplinary interaction between adult and child. At this point, parents have the opportunity to teach their child the most. Therefore, this can be the most beneficial and constructive time for child.

Once the child realizes that he/she can change the behavior being criticized, the parents can help the child plan how to go about changing it. Now that the episode is over, the parent and child can discuss the incident with compassion and objectivity. They can review what happened leading up to the child’s misbehavior as well as the misbehavior itself. Together they can lay out a plan for a different course of action when similar situations occur in the future.

At this point, it is important for the parent to explain to the child that there is a difference between feelings and actions. There are no restrictions on what a person feels. People have the right to whatever feelings they have. There are no bad feelings, no unacceptable feelings, no hurtful feelings. However, people are responsible for their actions. People do not have the right to act freely when their actions hurt themselves or other people.

Therefore, when a parent and child are planning a different course of action for the child’s behavior, it is best for them to address the child’s feelings and actions separately. First, they must freely explore the child’s feelings and emotions. Then they must focus on controlling the child’s actions.

Exploring feelings:

The parent and child can begin by reviewing the incidents and emotions that led up to the negative behavior. Parents should encourage children to be as specific as possible about their feelings. When a child speaks of feeling bad or angry or sad, ask what did that feel like? Did you feel frustrated, humiliated, provoked, misunderstood, paranoid, or jealous? Why do you think you felt that way? Have you had those feelings before? Often? Do they typically precede your negative behavior?

Parents can ask children to describe the feelings they were having while they were misbehaving. Again, parents should encourage children to be specific. Suggest that children say everything that comes to mind. Remind them that all feelings are acceptable. The parent can ask the child what he/she thinks of the feelings and reactions he/she had. In hindsight, do they seem like reasonable reactions to a reasonable situation? Do they seem like over-reactions? Do they remind you of other reactions you have had? Do they seem like reactions that really had to do with another situation? With another relationship? With another time in your life?

Planning Actions:

As the parent and child review the feelings and reactions that activated the child’s misbehavior, they can pinpoint the emotional triggers to be on the look-out for. In the future, by spotting these emotional triggers early, the child can choose not to act on the feelings, thereby heading off the negative behavior before it erupts.

When children examine how they felt when they were misbehaving, they develop an objective point-of-view about themselves and their anger that they can refer back to if they find themselves behaving badly again. They can be reminded by the parent, “Remember, this is what you talked about not wanting to do again. Remember what you said about yourself in this type of situation when we talked?” Or they can remind themselves, “Oh, no. How did I get in this situation again? What was it I wanted to remember when this happened again?” These questions encourage children to step back and think, and not to just lose themselves in their emotional reactions and negative behavior.

The parent who shows a child how to change a negative behavior has moved beyond merely serving as a disciplinarian for the child. This parent has formed an alliance with the child and they are now on the same side, working together to change a behavior and improve the quality of the child’s life. In teaching the child how to control negative behavior, the parent is teaching the child one of life’s most valuable skills: self-control.

Related Articles:
What to Do About Tantrums and Emotional Meltdowns
What You Need to Know About Disciplining Your Child
Tantrums

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