Following Obama’s recent announcement that all U.S. Troops will be brought home from Iraq by the end of the year, one can’t help but wonder about the emotional trauma that will follow many of these soldiers home.

Studies show that between 11 to 20 percent of veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars will be diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. People who suffer from PTSD, whether it be from wartime trauma, or natural disasters, are often thrown into an altered mental state that leaves them with overwhelming feelings of dread, lacking trust in the world around them and feeling an increased sense of isolation from their loved ones. PTSD can be a dark and difficult struggle, and many researchers blame PTSD for the rise in military suicide over the last five years. However, an optimistic, new approach to treating PTSD by building resilience and breaking the destructive thought patterns that keep traumatized individuals stuck may provide a beacon of hope for the thousands of soldiers who will return home this winter.

Donald Meichenbaum, Ph.D., who has written extensively about “Resilience Building” as a means to prevent and treat PTSD, defines resilience as the ability to “bounce back,” to “continue forward and maintain equilibrium in the face of chronic adversity.” Individuals possess varying degrees of resilience, which is why not everyone who experiences a traumatic event will develop PTSD. In fact, studies show that the maximum number of people to develop PTSD from a traumatic event does not rise over 30 percent regardless of the event’s severity. Individuals who experienced early childhood traumas or have less reliance are much more likely to develop PTSD.

When an individual develops PTSD, they tend to feel stuck and engage in behaviors that drag them deeper into depression rather than helping them actively fight against it. Traumatized individuals have a tendency to withdraw from the world in general and social activities in particular. However, this type of social isolation only increases the negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that accompany the condition. In fact, social support systems are a key component for anyone hoping to overcome Post-Traumatic Stress. When isolated the critical inner voice takes more control over the person’s life.

Individuals suffering from PTSD often engage in “Thinking Traps.” Meichenbaum describes how the “failure to believe anything positive could result from trauma experience” often lures individuals into an almost constant state of victimization. Engaging in “Why me” and “If only” thinking only furthers the emotional distance between traumatized people and others. Similarly, replaying events and brooding on one’s losses leaves many people with PTSD feeling stuck. These “Thinking Traps” are an example of what Dr. Robert Firestone would call the “critical inner voice.”

The critical inner voice is an inner-dialogue of thoughts that are destructive toward ourselves and others. These “voices” not only tell us things that damage our confidence and sense of self, they also feed us negative information about the world around us. All of us are plagued by this critical inner-voice, and when people suffer from PTSD they are not just suffering as a result of the traumatic event itself but they are also suffering from what they continually tell themselves about the event. For example, someone who experienced a sudden catastrophic event may experience thoughts like, “The world is just an unsafe place, you really can’t trust anyone,” which then keeps them from investing in the future. Even in dramatic cases where someone is left physically disfigured, the critical voices they have about their condition only serve to make them feel worse and keep them stuck in a negative mental spiral.

The old adage that “Time heals all wounds” is not accurate when it comes to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. On the contrary, suppressing trauma-related feelings can actually intensify the emotions, making them more overwhelming and scary. Whereas creating a coherent narrative about the event that originally caused the trauma can be a source of healing. By retelling one’s story with an emphasis on how they were able to get through the difficult situation, focusing on primary emotions without feeding the overwhelming feelings that followed, individuals can begin to demystify the source of their trauma and eventually make meaning out of the situation.

In doing therapy or talking with a loved who has experienced a trauma, it is helpful to re-conceptualize the problem in positive terms. Rather than focusing on the obvious negatives associated with the trauma it is important to emphasize that this person was able to get through the traumatic situation. This can be done by pointing out strengths in their lives and discussing specific times where they overcame adversity. By challenging the critical inner voice and reframing their experience in terms that give the traumatized person a sense of their personal power, they can begin to have confidence again in themselves and the world around them. In Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, a book I co-authored with Dr. Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett, could be a first step in identifying and overcoming the critical inner voices that keep people stuck in a negative state of mind.

In order to fully recover from PTSD it is important for individuals to seek help and develop a sense of resilience. Breaking the patterns of self-destructive thoughts and behaviors can help people get unstuck. Similarly, taking care of one’s physical well-being by remaining active and not engaging in substance abuse is an important aspect of recovery. Making action-oriented plans and accomplishing tasks can help people get their confidence back to slowly reinvest in their future.

Although, it is not always easy, there is a life after PTSD. Developing resilience can truly break the internal cycle that leaves so many individuals chronically stuck in a traumatized state. My hope is that the 40,000 men and women who will be returning home from Iraq in the next few months will be greeted with these tools to combat the emotional wounds of battle.

Learn more about treating PTSD in an our CE webinar with Dr. Donald Meichenbaum and Dr. Lisa Firestone, Treatment of Individuals with PTSD, Complex PTSD and Comorbid Disorders: A Life-Span Approach.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

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For a long time we’ve speculated the falling economy could mean a rise in the suicide rate, and now, new research has given us some indication. In April, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a release stating the overall suicide rate rises and falls in connection with the economy. This conclusion was drawn from a U.S. study looking at suicide rates from 1928-2007.

In August, another report released by the CDC showed that in 2008, 13.4 percent of people who committed suicide had experienced job and financial problems. This marks about a 2 percent increase in these figures from previous years, leading the CDC to recommend increasing counseling, job placement and financial services that can help reduce the mental distress that can heighten suicide risk. We live in a world where more people die by suicide than from all homicides and wars combined. And with today’s uncertain economic climate, there has never been a more crucial time to learn what we can do to prevent this crisis and help save a life.

A common misconception about suicide is the belief that a suicidal person wants to die, and that they cannot be helped. This is far from being the case. The suicidal state is almost always short-lived and treatable. When someone decides to end their life, they are acting out the will of an internal enemy or “anti-self.” A suicidal individual is divided between their true self that is on their side and wants to live and an anti-self which attempts to destroy them. By understanding this division, suicidal individuals can begin to challenge the distorted filter through which they view the world when in a suicidal state.

Emerging from a suicidal state involves reconnecting with and strengthening one’s real self and rediscovering the natural desire to survive. For many people who have attempted suicide, this reconnection took place the minute they make a serious attempt to end their lives. Tragically for many, this realization that they do not want to die has come just a few seconds too late. This is why it is necessary for us to intervene as soon as possible when we feel concerned that someone is falling into hard times and may be suicidal.

With so many individuals suffering losses of jobs, homes or retirement security, the potential for the anti-self to gain strength is increased. The most common mental health outcome of these difficult conditions is depression, which increases suicide risk. A recent study of 26 European Union countries showed that for every 1 percent rise in unemployment, there was a .79 percent increase in suicides among individuals younger than 65 years old. This same report showed that a 3 percent or greater rise in unemployment was associated with a 4.45 percent rise in suicide.

In the U.S., a study by economist Christopher J. Ruhm similarly showed that for every 1 percent increase in a state’s unemployment rate, the number of suicides increases by 1.3 percent. Other research tracking suicide rates from 1960 to 1995 has demonstrated that each $1.00 cut in state per capita public welfare expenditures was associated with an increase of .004 per 100,000 population in state suicide rates.

Though data as current and comprehensive as that offered by the EU study has yet to be reported in the U.S., the CDC has suggested that “Job loss can trigger a cascade of negative events, such as more financial problems and relationship problems, which can increase risk for suicide.” These stressors and losses can trigger feelings of shame, humiliation or despair, which may lead to suicide attempts in vulnerable individuals or those with limited support and resources. However, the situation is far from hopeless. Like depression, suicidality is almost always both preventable and treatable. Yet, in order to prevent it, we must be willing to intervene. Something as small as a smile from a stranger or a friend showing that they care has been known to save someone from suicide. However, when we avoid the subject of suicide we fail to learn to recognize the warning signs and learn the helper tasks that can save a life.

By educating ourselves in the dos and don’ts of suicide prevention, we equip ourselves with the tools to help someone we may encounter who is in need, be it a co-worker, friend, relative, neighbor or acquaintance. The most important “don’t” is never ignore someone you’re worried may be suicidal. Never assume they are just joking or seeking attention or aren’t serious about making a suicide attempt. By heightening our understanding of how we can prevent suicide and sharing this knowledge with those around us, we are taking the first steps to show we truly care.

Warning Signs for Suicide

1. Extreme self-hatred — “You don’t deserve to live.”
2. Personalized hopelessness — “Nothing matters anymore. You should just kill yourself.”
3. Pushing away friends and family — “What’s wrong with you? Look at all this trouble you’re causing the people who love you.”
4. Isolation — “Just be by yourself. You are better off alone.”
5. Thoughts of not belonging — “You don’t fit in anywhere.”
6. Thoughts of being a burden to others — “You’re just dragging everyone down. You are such a burden; they would be better off without you.”

The following are common behaviors that indicate suicide risk:

1. Past attempts
2. Disrupted sleep patterns
3. Increased anxiety and agitation
4. Outbursts of rage or low frustration tolerance
5. Risk-taking behavior
6. Increased alcohol or drug use
7. Sudden mood change for the better
8. Any talk or indication of suicidal ideation or intent, planning or actual actions taken to procure a means

Learn more here

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a free hotline available 24 hours a day to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

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Lifestyle changes begin with setting Intention. If you don’t have an intention, it easy to lose commitment to action. Intention is not a goal but an overarching frame for the “why” of doing something. For example, someone might have a goal of losing weight, but an overarching intention of feeling well, with more vitality for life and relationship, to live a fuller life.

Next is making a “do-able” commitment for at least a period of 21 days or more. It helps to name this as your 21 Day Challenge. If you know you have a challenge with a time limit, you can hang in day by day knowing that you are running an experiment to see what outcomes you might have at the end of the 21 days. Having said that, if you fall off your commitment, you do not need to ditch the entire remaining days; all you need to do is just “begin again,” right here and right now. Be sure to specifically name your commitment to action that you will do each day.

Write the intention and the commitment down. Not just once, but every day. It really is the way to stay focused on what you are wanting in your life. It doesn’t take long to jot down. For example: my intention is to feel more positive, my commitment is to go to sleep by 10pm each night and prior to sleep, name with specificity and sincerity what I am grateful for.

Lifestyle changes come about/ are made over time, with a steady turn of habits. This is crucial to remember because the trends, fads, diets, and gusto and excitement of the latest new idea fade quickly and are not user friendly. We have spent many years if not decades “cultivating” habits, behaviors, ways of thinking, that require a steady action to recalibrate. We need to “cultivate” new habits; like a new language or learning how to play a musical instrument–we don’t just do it, we cultivate it.  Using the analogy of cultivating a garden, we plant the seed in soil we have prepared to receive it, our job then is to water, provide light, fertilizer, and keep the weeds from overtaking. We don’t then pull at the seedling and force it to grow; we create an environment that is conducive for it to thrive.

Intention, commitment, cultivation

And then you must practice:

On a daily basis choose what you are ready to implement and practice, practice, practice. It is not supposed to feel good right away. In fact, as you make healthier changes in your life, often you might initially feel worse. Some of this is related to becoming more aware and less sedated by negative behaviors, some has to do with physical toxicity, some to do with the aches and pains of newness, etc. This is why commitment is crucial and to stay focused on the “why” of what you are doing to stay the course.

Some options for living your best healthy lifestyle include:

• * Begin and end each day with contemplative practice: Mindful breath, mediation, prayer, focusing and connecting to whatever you sense as the essence of you, you can call it spirit if comfortable. Bookend your days with this stillness. This can really help you stay connected to what is essential to your wholeness. (health and healing really means a return to wholeness)
• * Movement everyday (notice I use the word movement vs. exercise). Movement can be of body, of bowels, of breath, of feelings, of expression……”illness comes from stagnation and healing from movement”
• * Aerobic movement for at least 30 minutes daily. Move and stretch throughout the day for better heart health and serotonin levels
• * Practice gratitude: become acutely aware of the simple pleasures and abundance of your life
• * Smile (sounds easy, but try it when you least feel like it, it has positive change in the nervous system and reinforms negativity bias)
• * Practice Loving Kindness (try to wish yourself good things instead of the negative self-talk, then extend to others)
• * Eat colorful natural foods and begin with good breakfast, essential for brain health and good metabolism (if you are skipping breakfast to lose weight it will have the opposite effect). Eat throughout the day with conscious awareness, 3 meals, 2 snacks, stop eating 2 hours prior to sleep to aide in better sleep.
• * Take breathing breaks throughout the day: begin with an exhale when feeling stress, it allows you to release and makes room for nice deep natural inhale. You can try the famous 4,7,8 breath I learned for Dr Andrew Weil, but has been a practice for over 2000 years. Tip of tongue placed behind two front teeth as fleshy bump, blow out and you will feel the wosh around your tongue, breathe in to count of 4, hold count of 7, exhale count of 8 for 4 rounds—serves to reduce urges and relieve anxiety and balance the nervous system.
• * Take time outside with nature. Nature is resilient and in rhythm. We lose ourselves with late nights, non-nutritious foods, lack of movement, excessive anxiety, etc. When we spend time in nature we can attune to its rhythms because they are our own.
• * Everyday be sure you are making contact with someone in a positive way. We are social creatures and thrive with good contact. Often food cravings and binges are really related to the need for love. When we give and receive kindness and contact we thrive, our oxytocin and serotonin levels go up bringing feelings of well- being and desire for attachment.
• * Find what is FUN. Simple moments of fun like doing a puzzle, kicking a ball around, dancing to your favorite tune. It does not have to be a big activity but is essential for overall health and balance to play each day.
• * Focus on your work, whatever is before you, whether it is a major business meeting, or a pile of laundry, give it your full attention and focus. Be present to the task, and then you can clearly define when you are working and when you are playing. (Multi-tasking truly does not work, our brains do not function at optimal level and nothing gets done well, focusing on one task is good for the health of your brain). Finding the balance of work and play is essential daily practice.
• * Be sure to sleep at least 7-9 hours per night and that you sleep before midnight for your biorhythm health. It is fun to experiment with earlier bedtime and waking with the light, letting your body find its way back to what is natural. (lost sleep can lead to weight gain do to less leptin in the brain that indicates fullness)
• * More on sleep, limit computer technology and stop 2 hours prior to sleep. The electromagnetic field and light diminishes your melatonin levels (neurotransmitter inducing sleep state) and throws your nervous system into an active state.

In summary:

Eat well, Sleep well, Move well, Breathe well, Be still, Play, Smile, Focus love and gratitude, Connect to others

So here you have a few ideas to start with. Make it simple, choose three things you can commit to daily for the next 21 days and see what you cultivate. There is no reason to give up because you always have the next new moment to begin again.

Diane Renz, a licensed psychotherapist, founder of Your Gateway to Healing, writer, workshop facilitator, utilizes both her academic background and personal experiences to explore how pain can become our possibility. She currently studies with Dr. Dan Siegel integrating the latest scientific understandings on neuroscience and Mindfulness within her work. For more information feel free to visit www.yourgatewaytohealing.com.

Copyright 2011 Diane Renz, L.P.C., Your Gateway to Healing, Inc.

To read more from this author, visit her bio page.

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By: Suzanne Stafford

It’s happened to everyone: that internal switch that gets flicked on without a moment’s notice and just like that… all you can see is red. For different people, anger manifests itself in many different forms, at different times and because of different triggers. There is no set equation for anger, no exact variables, and no precise outcome. Anger fuels wars, divorce, and sometimes even great novels, yet still a number of things about it are left unanswered and unknown. However, modern science has made a great deal of headway in understanding one of the most, if not the most, intense feelings within the human emotional spectrum.

In a 1994 experiment by Boedenhausen, Sheppard, and Kramer, participants were either asked to write about a past experience that made them really happy or one that made them really sad. They were then asked to read an essay about raising the driving age from 16 to 18, and some were told that the essay was written by policy experts at Princeton University while others were told it was by a group of community college students. Although it was exactly the same essay, the reactions of the participants whose negative experiences were “sad” were not  influenced by who wrote the essay. However, those whose negative experiences were “angry” were persuaded much more by the essay supposedly written by the policy experts. Why? According to the researchers, anger essentially tells our brain there is a need for quick action, short-circuiting our neural pathways, prompting a quick and dirty processing of information, instead of comprehensive, systematic processing. This partially explains the rash decisions brought about by a surge of anger but still leaves unanswered many other questions.

Is anger a temporary feeling or a perpetual state of mind or mental disorder? Certainly there are individuals who are angry more often than others, but when does anger start to define an individual? According to the DSM-IV-TR, the go-to manual for diagnoses of mental disorders, there is no specific disorder simply characterized by anger. A few do come close however, including Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Conduct, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Intermittent Explosive Disorder is an impulse control disorder characterized by repeated “failure to resist aggressive impulses that result in serious assaultive acts or destruction of property.” This disorder may account for the episodes of violent rage that we see in the media that oftentimes result in homicide and suicide. However, no specific diagnosis of mental disorder can be attributed to individuals whose anger, although recurrent and intense, does not result in assaultive or destructive tendencies. Perhaps this is because it is hard to differentiate from normal feelings of anger, and unwarranted and disorderly anger. Then again, what are “normal” feelings of anger?

Any “normal” behavior is difficult to define; does “normal” mean the healthiest mode of behavior or behavior that is simply representative of the majority? According to positive psychologists, happiness and pleasantries always trump anger and confrontation in terms of healthy and beneficial behavior. However, anger plays an essential role in the human emotional spectrum. Anger allows individuals to advocate for themselves and others and avoid compromising their needs and goals in order to achieve what they want. It is the fuel behind many individuals’ striving for success, and has played a role in many great achievements in history. As stated by Bede Jerret, “The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.” On the other hand, however, anger has a quintessential role in many horrific events and catastrophes. This push and pull of the benefits and consequences of anger makes it hard to determine an appropriate amount or level of anger but a few simple rules may help you assess your anger levels:

Anger may be appropriate, but rage is not. While it’s difficult to put into words what the difference is between anger and rage, anyone who has seen or experienced rage (and everyone has) knows the difference. Whereas anger can be constructed into coherent arguments to reach or achieve goals, rage is destructive to the self and often to others, and without clear goals or solutions. While it’s almost impossible, and probably even harmful, to suppress rage, expressing it rarely ever achieves the solutions necessary to ease this intense emotion or dissolve the problems. Additionally, expressions of rage, such as tantrums or destruction of property, can be extremely embarrassing for both the expresser and the target of the fury. So next time you feel a surge of rage come about, concentrate all your effort into walking away so you can cool down and come back to the problem when you can express anger without blowing your lid.

Knowing how and when to express your anger is a skill worth developing. Pick your battles carefully. Some things simply aren’t worth getting upset over, and even then, how you fight your battles makes a huge difference. For example, even if you think no one is listening to you, raising your voice will only worsen the situation because people will focus on the fact that you are yelling, not what you’re yelling about. Nevertheless, bottling up anger has been shown in research to cause plaque build-up in arterial walls that can lead to congestive heart failure. So if you really feel the need to say something, be sure to express yourself in a way that you will be heard by the other person.

If it bothers you the next day, say something. Laurence J. Peter once said, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” As mentioned earlier, anger short circuits the neural pathways used in thinking, so everything automatically gets simplified in your mind, becomes either black or white; and as everyone knows, the world is hardly ever black or white. The best thing to do, however difficult it may be, is to wait it out, let your anger fall by the wayside of rationality. If you’re still upset after your anger subsides, then think of a logical way to advocate for a solution to the problem. Not only will you be more confident of your right to fight, but those you are fighting against are much more likely to listen to you if you’re not hot-headed and able to argue coherently.

Anger has been the catalyst for many great and greatly destructive events throughout the course of history. While suppressing anger can lead to resentment and embitterment, expressing it can be socially isolating, embarrassing, and perhaps even socially and physically destructive. However, anger essentially forces the mind to rely on short cuts to make rash decisions, so realizing this and resisting the urge to act on it is the first step in monitoring and effectively focusing your anger into constructive means for reaching a solution or achieving a goal.

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I scanned the sea of black-robed 20-somethings for my sister’s familiar face. As I glanced over each aisle, I noted the beaming expressions of the satisfied graduate students about to receive their Masters degrees in Journalism. When I finally caught a glimpse of my sister, I was glad to see that in spite of the 100 degree heat and jumbled instructions on the ceremony, she possessed the same calm and contented look as those around her.

I couldn’t help but think just how different this look was from the one she was sporting only weeks ago, when she was stressing over her workload and uttering all-too-familiar phrases of her student life such as:I’m not going to get everything done. I’m doing a horrible job. They hate my thesis. My grades are going to be terrible. I’m never going to get a job. Yet, in that moment, poised to receive her diploma, she felt her self-attacks subside, as her attitude shifted from “I can’t do it” to “I did it.”

I didn’t have long to ponder this transition, before the dean welcomed the honorary speaker, Arianna Huffington, to the stage. Within minutes, I watched Arianna’s dynamic and honest manner of speaking literally lift the flock of students a little higher in their folding chairs. But what struck me most in her speech was when she introduced her ambitious audience to the idea that each one of us has an obnoxious roommate living in our heads. This “roommate” is there to hold us back and tell us we are not good enough to succeed. Arianna explained how with every step forward, we should be wary of our obnoxious roommate, as it tends to become even more obnoxious, putting us down and warning us of potential failure.

Listening to her speech, I was impressed by the parallels between Arianna’s inspiring message and my father’s, Robert Firestone, and my own 30 years of research into the concept of the “critical inner voice.” Like the “obnoxious roommate” described by Arianna, the inner voice represents an internalized critic that we all possess to varying degrees. Although this isn’t an actual voice we hear, the critical inner voice describes destructive thoughts we all experience toward ourselves, as if a critic is living in our heads commenting on our actions. It was this inner critic that had been telling my sister – a straight-A student – that this time, her grades wouldn’t be good enough. And it was this same critic who told her she wouldn’t get into graduate school in the first place, much less graduate two years later.

Each one of us can recognize those nagging thoughts that occupy our heads causing us to feel fear, humiliation, shame, guilt or dejection. During the recent economic downturn, I was surprised by how quickly clients and friends of mine who’d lost their jobs turned on themselves and began telling themselves things like: You’re worthless. No one wants you. You’ll never get another job. Most of us observe a similar embarrassed and self-hating reaction in people going through break-ups, divorces, first dates, job interviews, college applications and countless other life-shifting events. Although these thoughts or “voices” become more apparent in significant moments, they not only come when we are making a change or moving toward a goal, they are there everyday, second-guessing us, nagging us, extracting energy and inserting doubt. All too often, they are directing our lives much more than we realize.

So where do these voices come from? When we are young, we are deeply affected by the labels put on us and the attitudes we experienced directed toward us. For example, as a shy fifth grader, I was consistently humiliated by a sadistic teacher, who forced me to stand up in front of the class to give reports, then publicly scrutinized my every move. Without knowing it, I internalized this teacher’s point of view, and allowed it to stay with me as an adult. Whenever I had to get up in front of a crowd to speak, I would feel intense fear and attack myself, thinking that I would stumble over my words, forget what I was saying or that people would get bored, and I would once again humiliate myself. It wasn’t until I remembered and made sense of my fifth grade experience that I understood where this mean attitude came from. Had I never made this connection between my fear of public speaking and this early life experience, I may never have been able to separate from this alien point of view. I may never have become a psychologist or had the opportunity to travel the world presenting in my field.

Each of us can relate to childhood experiences in which we felt hurt, embarrassed or afraid. What we may not recognize, however, is how these stressful or traumatic experiences have actually shaped the way we currently feel about ourselves. The voices we internalize can come from parents, caretakers, teachers, bullies – anyone who had an impact on us early in life. Unfortunately, the times we are affected most in our development occur in moments of stress, when a person we trust “loses it” with us. For example, a parent who is usually calm and compassionate can still hurt his or her child by suddenly becoming frustrated and lashing out.

The little things parents say or even a look on their face can feel dramatic to a small child. What affects us as adults isn’t necessarily what happened to us but what we tell ourselves about what happened to us. For example, an interaction in which a parent becomes frustrated with a child for taking too long and making him or her late can seem like no big deal to the parent once they’re on the road. But the child may have been frightened or jarred by the rapid mood change and alteration in their parent’s expression or uncharacteristic roughness. Ultimately, the child may identify with the parent, on whom he or she depends for survival. The child may even take on the parent’s point of view in that moment of stress, seeing him or herself as slow or burdensome. Whether we grow up to embody the image our parents had of us or to rebel against it, we are still being distorted by a point of view other than our own, a view being directed toward us rather than us seeing ourselves as who we really are.

The voices we experience as adults have deep roots in our pasts. They are not simply the flippant comments of an obnoxious roommate, but painful connections to experiences that shaped who we are and how we perceive ourselves. These voices can seem cruel, telling us we are too stupid, fat, lazy or unattractive to go for what we want, or they can seem soothing, telling us not to bother with the job interview, to reward ourselves with another piece of cake or that we are happy being alone. Like an overindulgent parent or the roommate who has a bad influence, these coddling voices are an enemy in disguise, luring us to take self-destructive actions, then punishing us for our mistakes. Whether cruel or seemingly kind, all of these thoughts are the commentary of an inner enemy.

The good news is that the more we recognize this enemy, the more effectively we can fight it. As we understand where these voices came from, we are better able to separate from them and take on a more compassionate and realistic point of view toward ourselves. Freeing ourselves from self-shaming attitudesfacilitates our ability to change qualities in ourselves that we don’t like and appreciate qualities we do. The more we recognize and separate from this critic, the more likely we are to live free of imagined limitations and evict this “obnoxious roommate” once and for all.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

This Blogger’s Books from

Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships

by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa A. Firestone, Joyce Catlett

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations
by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa Firestone, Joyce Catlett, Pat Love

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With everything in the world from our language to our LinkedIn networks growing bigger, more complex and moving faster, it’s easy to feel like we are no longer in control. Our career path, our relationships and our futures are all victims of circumstance. Whether we are bowing to the will of a boss, a paycheck, a parent or a profile on Match.com, it’s important to remember that when it comes to directing our lives, we are still very much at the wheel.

How we perceive ourselves and the world around us largely shapes how we are seen by the world. Truly knowing ourselves can mean the difference between creating the life we want and yielding to the life we lead. And while it’s empowering to acknowledge that we are the strongest source for real change in our lives, it is admittedly scary to realize how much of our lives is in our own hands.

A friend and colleague of mine Dr. Dan Siegel, who also happens to be Executive Director of The Mindsight Institute and a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, defines people’s ability to understand what is going on in their own mind and the minds of others as “mindsight.” Mindsight is a method of self-understanding through which people can gain insight and empathy by exploring the workings of their own mind. Practicing mindsight entails an openness, observation and objectivity that can help us to be aware of our mental processes without being swept away by them. In this sense, it allows us to reshape and redirect our future and become the author of our own story.

Most people don’t consciously recognize how much the lessons of our past shape our current actions and reactions. Mindsight helps us make sense of who we are and how we see the world by allowing us to reflect on our own story and gain insight into how that story informs our perceptions and emotions. By creating what Dan Siegel refers to as a “cohesive narrative” of our life, we can understand how our past is subconsciously influencing our present and make conscious decisions about how we want to lead our lives.

The situations we adapted to as kids can leave us with old ways of thinking and behaving that hurt us as adults. That stubborn streak we formed as a child may have resulted from feeling constantly controlled by a strict upbringing, but it can become problematic in the context of our careers. An interaction with our child that sends us flying off the deep end may have more to do with our own experience as a child and less to do with how we really feel toward our own children. When emotions feel especially intense, misplaced or out of character, this can be a warning sign that the heightened reaction has more to do with our past than our present. Mindsight can help us separate these old emotions from current circumstances.

When we don’t apply mindsight, we run the risk of getting in our heads and acting on destructive thoughts. The stream of brutal, self-loathing , and second-guessing thoughts we all live with are what psychologist and author Dr. Robert Firestone refers to as the Critical Inner Voice. The Critical Inner Voice is created from experiences we had as children that caused us to turn against ourselves and develop negative self-perceptions. When left unchallenged, this inner critic can dictate our lives. A perfect illustration of this takes place in the classic film “Annie Hall.” When a young couple (Annie and Alvie) first meet, an awkward dialogue takes place between them, while subtitles explain the actual thoughts going through their minds.

In their first conversation in Annie’s apartment, Annie tells Alvie she “dabbles” in photography. At the same moment her thoughts appear on the screen as ” I dabble? Listen to me — what a jerk!” When Alvie compliments her work, she tells him she wants to take a “serious photography course,” at which point the subtitles reveal, “He probably thinks I’m a yo-yo.”

While Annie is wrapped up in criticizing herself for being unintelligent, Alvie is fumbling to impress her by speaking about photography as an art form. As he stumbles over his words, he has thoughts like, “I don’t know what I’m saying — she senses I’m shallow,” and, “Christ, I sound like FM radio.” Even as both Alvie and Annie forge a conversation in an attempt to get together, their own internal dialogues are simultaneously ripping them apart. This is a common scenario in the early stages of a relationship, and it plays out through all phases of forming a connection to another person.

When couples are attuned to this inner dialogue or Critical Inner Voice, they are better able to separate from it. A healthy relationship is formed when each partner can reflect on their own sense of self and form a connection without falling under the influence of an inner critic. For example, rather than tripping over their words or sounding like people they aren’t, Alvie and Annie could have been themselves in their early interaction and challenged insecurities that later plagued their relationship.

Dan Siegel writes of ideal relationships in his book “Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation” that “[a]ttuned couples link together in a mental lovemaking, a joining of minds, in which two people create that beautiful resonant sense of becoming a ‘we.’ The intimacy that blossoms can be amazing, but the journey to get there and remain there can be rough. To become linked as a ‘we,’ a couple needs also to become differentiated as two ‘me’s.’” To illustrate this point, he describes the process of losing one’s identity in a couple relationship as forming a smoothie, whereas when each person brings their individuality to their union, their relationship is like a fruit salad. Unfortunately, in creating an illusion of connection (or “Fantasy Bond“), a couple destroys their true feelings of compatibility and love. Only when a person is self-possessed can they live more harmoniously with their partner.

The same principles hold true for any relationship, be it with our spouse, our children, a family member or a co-worker. As Siegel points out in his book, “The brain is a social organ, and our relationships with one another are not a luxury but an essential nutrient for our survival.” The purpose of mindsight is to attain self-understanding that can help us put a halt to the harmful behaviors that impair our relationships. When we have insight into ourselves, we also form compassion and empathy for another person. We can uncover why we are the way we are, and become who we’ve always wanted to be.

As Robert Firestone wrote, “Perhaps the single most important life affirming human quality is the ability to feel love — to feel compassion and empathy for and express kindness, generosity and tenderness toward other people. Learning to love others requires first valuing oneself.” This is the foundation upon which all human relationships are built.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships

by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa A. Firestone, Joyce Catlett

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations
by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa Firestone, Joyce Catlett, Pat Love

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It’s an interesting irony, I think, that in our modern day and age of convenience and streamlining, we are under more stress than ever before. If asked, I think most of us could agree that our ancestors endured true hardship, including immigrating to a new land, travelling under uncomfortable and even dangerous conditions, surviving diseases that sometimes had no cure and simply putting food on the table every day. And yet no one spoke of “stress” or being overwhelmed. Being “stressed-out” is a relatively new term, incorporated into our cultural vernacular only in the last half-century or so.

So what is the difference between then and now? Why are our heart disease rates increasing and our sense of overall wellbeing declining? I think the answer lies within. It is we who perceive our circumstances to be unjustly difficult. We have become so accustomed to certain areas of our lives being convenient that when real challenges come our way, and the demands on our time pile up, we feel unprepared to adequately handle them. Coupled with rising expectations to achieve more and more (because we have so many nifty gadgets and conveniences that allow us to), the stress escalates. Our physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing suffers and we wonder what the purpose of all of it is.

Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt is much beloved for the wisdom and humor she imparted in her writing. In her book, You Learn By Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life, she devotes a chapter to “The Uses of Time”, and the keys to finding contentment in an exceedingly busy world.

“We have all the time there is. The problem is: How shall we make the best use of it? There are three ways in which I have been able to solve that problem: first, by achieving an inner calm so that I can work undisturbed by what goes on around me; second, by concentrating on the thing in hand; third, by arranging a routine pattern for my days that allots certain activities to certain hours, planning in advance for everything that must be done, but at the same time remaining flexible enough to allow for the unexpected. There is a fourth point which, perhaps, plays a considerable part in the use of my time. I try to maintain a general pattern of good health so that I have the best use of my energy whenever I need it…

First of my own personal requirements is inner calm. This, I think, is an essential. One of the secrets of using your time well is to gain a certain ability to maintain peace within yourself so that much can go on around you and you can stay calm inside…

I have learned that the ability to attain this inner calm, regardless of outside turmoil, is a kind of strength. It saves an immense amount of wear and tear on the nervous system. In the oasis of peace you are better able to cope with the noisy and conflicting demands of young children [or co-workers or deadlines] without irritation or impatience.”

Cultivating this spirit of calm takes discipline and focus, but the payoffs far exceed a nose-to-the-grindstone mentality of merely surviving the task at hand. It is through this perspective that joy can creep back into your daily activities.

Of course, it will never be perfect. As Mrs. Roosevelt admits after recounting instances in which her plans to manage her time with others most efficiently simply failed: “Even with planning, no one ever has much defense against the time wasters.”

About the Author
Meredith Watkins, M.A. is a CA licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with years of experience working with women, teenagers, couples and families. She has worked in many settings, including an outpatient psychiatric clinic and a residential eating disorder treatment center. She is currently in private practice in Carlsbad, CA, specializing in individual therapy, Christian therapy, parenting, relationship, and women’s issues. Ultimately, her desire is to equip her clients with the tools they need to manage their own feelings and issues more effectively, creating space for joy and fulfilment in their relationships and lives. Learn more at www.meredithwatkins.net.

Other Posts by This Author:
Taking the Competition Out of the Holidays
Peace on Earth Begins with Peace of Heart
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But for those times when we can legitimately say, “I am depressed,” the weight of our emotional state feels as if it might swallow us whole. We can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and aren’t particularly interested in trying to move in that direction anyway. Some see depression as a punishment for some prior action, or an affliction from which to be cured as quickly as possible. And while medication has its place in alleviating some emotional pain, it often acts as a Band-Aid to quickly cover the pain, without really looking at the nature of the wound. This is when depression returns again and again, or simply stays with us, always just beneath the surface, threatening to leak out and expose the darkness that swirls within.

And yet there is a unique gift that only depression can offer. The catch is, we must spend time with it, get to know it, understand why it has chosen to show up at this time, and why it insists on sticking around. This is completely contrary to our instincts, when all we want is relief and escape from the abyss.

Philip Martin writes about depression’s gifts in his book, The Zen Path Through Depression, encouraging a somewhat paradoxical approach to this emotional state:

“Depression is in many ways like suffering from a broken heart. Indeed, when you slow down and begin to pay closer attention to the depression, the physical symptoms themselves may often center in the chest. Anxiety is the fast-beating heart. Hopelessness is the tired heart. Sadness and grief are the pained heart…

For many of us in these times, mind and thought are considered to be useful and valued, while heart and emotions are seen as obstacles. We don’t really know how to grieve and feel pain, but we definitely know how to think…

In the experience of depression, this mind we have depended on so much fails us. It is difficult to make simple decisions, to remember small matters. We feel slow and stupid. Depression in fact magnifies many aspects of our personality and our thought process. Our mind becomes preoccupied with judgments and comparisons…

Meditation helps with this, as it can foster real detachment from these thoughts and moods. We can then begin to disentangle ourselves from our pain. We can begin to move away from what Zen teachers call small mind. We begin to be less impressed with our thoughts.

As the grip of this small mind is lessened, the feelings and emotions of the heart are increased. For a person who has ignored the heart, its calling is persistent and unfamiliar. There are sadness and grief over the past, over all the fleeting moments behind us. We feel all the mistakes we have made, all the hurts we have caused. Depression can be a door into an exploration of our grief. This may be the first time we have faced our grief and honored it, rather than running from it…

Our hope is to practice compassion and kindness toward all. We must practice in this way toward ourselves and our own uncomfortable emotions as well…

In the strong and sometimes overwhelming sadness of depression lies the opportunity to face these difficult feelings with tenderness and compassion, rather than turning away from them.

Another new opportunity can be the experience of empathy. In the depths of depression, a woman I know found she could not watch television, because she wept at almost everything… Opening ourselves into the greater world, we may be feeling for the first time the grief of that world. In that feeling, we can find a compassion within ourselves that is as natural as breathing, a compassion that is always there….

The experience of grief and sadness in depression can be our hearts calling us to listen to suffering and impermanence in our lives…

The open heart sees that there is nothing to protect itself against, that safety is an illusion. In this seeing lies true fearlessness. For as we may find when faced with a physical danger, sometimes the safest place to be is as close as possible to what we fear.”

About the Author
Meredith Watkins, M.A. is a CA licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with years of experience working with women, teenagers, couples and families. She has worked in many settings, including an outpatient psychiatric clinic and a residential eating disorder treatment center. She is currently in private practice in Carlsbad, CA, specializing in individual therapy, Christian therapy, parenting, relationship, and women’s issues. Ultimately, her desire is to equip her clients with the tools they need to manage their own feelings and issues more effectively, creating space for joy and fulfilment in their relationships and lives. Learn more at www.meredithwatkins.net.

Other Posts by This Author:
Peace on Earth Begins with Peace of Heart
Making Peace with Our Bodies
More

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As any of you still shopping for that perfect present for that certain someone knows, this time of year is designed for thinking about others. Thoughts of getting away or doing something for yourself seem, at best, foreign and, at worst, selfish.

Odd as it may seem, taking real, quality time to “escape” from your everyday routine and reflect on your own life is actually one of the best things you can do for the people who matter in your life. Adding a retreat to your agenda is a healthy act of rejuvenation and revitalization and what better time to kick start your year then at the start of a new year?

Going away on a retreat can help you gain much-needed perspective on your life. Though, the distressed critic in your head may shout at you that you are just trying to get away from your responsibilities, problems, and commitments, a productive retreat will truly do just the opposite.

This January, I am going to Esalen in breathtakingly beautiful Big Sur, California, and though I am teaching a weekend workshop on how to “Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice,” I am also looking forward to connecting with my own sense of who I am, what matters to me, and identifying those daily internal dialogues that get in my way.

So why is a retreat so different from taking time at home to take on those dusty to-do lists, those pesky New Year’s resolutions, or those personal goals of spending more time with your partner or your children? The answer is lots of reasons, and here are just a few of them:

Nature helps
The poet William Blake once wrote, “Great things are done when men and mountains meet. This is not done by jostling in the street.” Whether we consider ourselves tree huggers or city slickers, most of us inevitably surrender to scenes of absolute, natural beauty. Connecting to nature through a retreat like Esalen is primitive in the best possible way, dipping us down to earth, while making us feel like we’re in heaven. Even the most loquacious of individuals have gone quiet over an astounding view, and even the most social of butterflies have sat alone to watch a butterfly. Setting our overwhelming goals aside and getting out in beauty has a powerful way of quieting us and attuning us to ourselves, setting the stage for an inner evolution or motivation to change.

Unplug to reconnect
At Esalen you learn to live for a brief moment away from your phone. If this caused your heart to skip a beat, as it ever so slightly does to mine when I first imagine it, then, chances are, you could use some time away from your phone.

When you unplug from technology, you are forced to be fully present and living socially, face to face – without Facebook. You are forced to get outside of the distractions that typically crowd your mind and enjoy the empty space that allows you to think. This is the perfect state to get to know yourself better, to think about what truly lights you up and to reconnect with those aspects of yourself.

Think locally, act locally
A recent study posed that, throughout history, those who lived in a group of 100 people experienced the most cultural success and social peace. Though there are benefits of being connected to the world in almost every way imaginable, with this worldwide connection comes many inputs that cause us stress and sidetrack us from achievable change.

Getting away from the News, the traffic, and the things that render us small and powerless to the forces of the outside world helps us shed heavy self-protective layers and relate to our present surroundings. At Esalen, you eat phenomenal food that’s grown in the garden, you sit in a spa that overlooks the ocean, and you live in the moment, simply because there is nowhere else to live.

Say goodbye to your inner critic
On a retreat such as those offered at Esalen, you are a part of an experience, and not just a passive student in a class. You have the chance to make new friends and actively take on a new perspective toward yourself.

In this unfamiliar setting, you are no longer defined by such things as how you dress or what you do for a living. Away from these categorizations, you can identify the negative thoughts that are influencing your behavior in your daily life. How much time do you typically spend tearing apart your appearance, stressing over your performance at work, or overanalyzing the ins and outs of your relationship? It is much easier to recognize and combat those feelings when you are out of your routine life.

When you identify this inner critic and make a conscious effort to separate from it, you can actually get closer to your partner, be a better parent to your kids, and achieve more at work. Once distanced from this self-critical point of view, you are reduced to who you really are, and inevitably you will feel more fulfilled and confident.

Get away from your world and closer to your goals
Going on a retreat naturally removes you from thoughts of what you should be doing and allows you to just be. When you get away from the constant flood of “shoulds,” you begin to experience your true wants and desires, which allows you to pursue what really matters to you.

The uniqueness of the experience and the perspective it allows you to gain on yourself can actually be measured in the results the experience yields. Research shows that professors who go on sabbatical bring more money, build stronger relationships, and bring more prestige to their university.

Sometimes in the business of our lives we forget that taking a break and slowing down can actually make us more effective. Businesses that send their employees on a retreat see happier, more productive staffs. Couples who go away (together or separately) learn valuable and lasting tools in keeping their relationship strong. Parents who take time for themselves are more available and attuned to their children. The excuses to not get away, like you need to spend time with family or get practical affairs in order, will often do you less good in the long run than taking the time for yourself to become who you strive to be and returning home to actually be it.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships

by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa A. Firestone, Joyce Catlett

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations
by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa Firestone, Joyce Catlett, Pat Love

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Sadly, this analogy was more on target than anyone would have imagined when said Holiday-Crazed customers trampled a Wal-Mart employee to death in Long Island, NY, a couple of years ago. And every year since, something similar happens on the aptly-named Black Friday. Honestly, people, it’s Wal-Mart. The same cheap junk will be there tomorrow. Clearly we have been blinded by the competition, the frenzy, the consuming desire to find that Most Perfect of Gifts that will solidify our standing as the Family’s Best Relative. Of course, this is a fruitless quest that can easily be undone by one really great shiny ribbon that will become the constant companion of your three-year-old niece for the next month.

The spirit of the holidays has been trampled as our consumerism feeds on the belief that “what I give determines my worth as a person”. Professional insight: This isn’t true. God bless the recession, though. With fewer pennies jingling around in our piggy banks, we have to be creative in our gift-giving, and even come back to why we celebrate to begin with. We would do well to learn the lesson most Italians have long embraced: Il bel far niente, the beauty of doing nothing.

Elizabeth Gilbert describes this joie de vivre mentality in her memoir, Eat, Pray, Love (side note: why are all the great terms of happiness and contentment expressed in another language? Hmmm…). She immersed herself in Rome, Italy, for four months and discovered it to be worlds apart from her native New York city, literally and figuratively.

“The beauty of doing nothing is the goal of all your work, the final accomplishment for which you are most highly congratulated. The more exquisitely and delightfully you can do nothing, the higher your life’s achievement. You don’t necessarily need to be rich in order to experience this, either. There’s another wonderful Italian expression: l’arte d’arrangiarsi – the art of making something out of nothing. The art of turning a few simple ingredients into a feast, or a few gathered friends into a festival. Anyone with a talent for happiness can do this, not only the rich…
Which is probably why, when I told my Italian friends that I’d come to their country in order to experience four months of pure pleasure, they didn’t have any hang-ups about it. Complimenti! Vai avanti! Congratulations, they would say. Go ahead. Knock yourself out. Be our guest. Nobody once said, ‘How completely irresponsible of you,’ or ‘What a self-indulgent luxury.’ ”

I say we declare this holiday season as Year of Il bel far niente. Finding time to do nothing and do it well. Placing value on peace of mind and body, rather than condemning someone who might desperately want, more than anything this year, to just be. That may be the greatest gift of all.

About the Author
Meredith Watkins, M.A. is a CA licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with years of experience working with women, teenagers, couples and families. She has worked in many settings, including an outpatient psychiatric clinic and a residential eating disorder treatment center. She is currently in private practice in Carlsbad, CA, specializing in individual therapy, Christian therapy, parenting, relationship, and women’s issues. Ultimately, her desire is to equip her clients with the tools they need to manage their own feelings and issues more effectively, creating space for joy and fulfilment in their relationships and lives. Learn more at www.meredithwatkins.net.

Other Posts by This Author:
How to Succeed in Life without Really Trying
Peace on Earth Begins with Peace of Heart
More

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