Upon exploring my psychological issues rather late in life I discovered something entirely unforeseen: that while I had been unconsciously avoiding feeling “sad” my entire life this emotion was not only satisfying but a key to who I really am. I had until then said my goal in life was to be “happy”. After this discovery, however, I realized that I was far more interested in feeling the deep sadness which is an integral part of life.

I first encountered my sadness when I engaged, over a month-long period, in a 10-session course of feeling release therapy with a trained counselor. I first went back into my childhood and released tremendous anger at how I had been treated by my mother.

After working through these feelings in the first few sessions, however, I noticed something strange. I was not feeling angry anymore. I was instead walking about for days on end feeling deeply, deeply sad. Beneath the anger, I discovered, lay tremendous sadness.

What most interested me about this feeling was that it was a new experience of life. I had been sad before, of course, but usually in relation to specific events: my parents’ deaths, JFK getting shot, my divorce. This was different: a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour experience, not provoked by a particularly traumatic event.

I realized that I had until then been strongly defended against sadness. My “default” pattern was that whenever it arose in my daily life I would unconsciously try to avoid it. I would turn on the TV, turn to a work project, go to get something to eat. It was only when unavoidable sadness occurred, like my father’s death, that I would allow myself to feel it.

But now I was for the first time feeling my sadness on a daily basis. It was humbling to realize how much sadness I had within me that I had never before acknowledged.

Another thing struck me as well. I had until then sort of casually divided my feelings into “good” and “bad” ones, with feelings like “sadness”, “depression”, “lack of energy”, “unhappy” all lumped into the “bad” category. But I now noticed that when I felt “sad”, I also felt open, decontracted, and that it was a satisfying, “good” feeling. When depressed I felt “bad” – rigid, contracted, closed. I was amazed to discover that these two feelings were opposite to each other, not similar. I also found that when I was “sad” I moved more easily into such other “open” sets of feelings as “love”, “empathy” and “compassion”.

In the months to come when I felt depressed I neither tried to repress it nor to do something to make me “happy.” I instead worked on relaxing and decontracting my muscles, breathing into my depression, to move from feeling “depressed” to “sad”. When I did so not only did my depression lift, but I found myself open to loving, gentle or empathic states of being.

Prior to these experiences, I had thought that my goal in life was to be “happy”, and had often felt I was somehow missing something when I was not. As a result of investigating “sadness”, however, I discovered that this set of feelings was much more appropriate to who I really am. Why shouldn’t I be sad, given my difficult childhood, the pain I regularly feel about the suffering in the world, my anguish at facing oblivion for all eternity?

It was also interesting to realize a key reason why I had never appreciated my sadness before: the way our “can do” culture sees it as a weakness. It’s embedded in our very language: e.g., “he’s a sad case”. People who are sad are seen as losers.

I was surprised to find, after I began to feel comfortable with my sadness, how uncomfortable it made many others. I happened to have lunch with the head of a foundation (ironically, one dealing with psychological issues) during my “feeling release” course. As I explained my new discoveries about sadness she immediately became uncomfortable and began saying things like “don’t be sad, be happy!” I smilingly responded, “Please don’t take away my sadness, I’ve just discovered it!” She suddenly stood up from the table and disappeared without a word. (And lunch hadn’t even been served yet!)

I still often unconsciously push away sad feelings. But I do so far less often, and the ability to feel my deep sadness has immeasurably enriched and deepened my experience of life.

Fred Branfman is a writer and political activist who only began studying his psychology in his ‘50s. He’d advise anyone to do it in their 20s, but has also found it’s never too late to start. He has found the ideas presented in Psychalive.org have vastly improved his energy and sense of aliveness, capacity for feeling, friendships and relationship with his wife.

Dr. Pat Love, in this exclusive interview clip, discusses how strong emotions like sadness are used by our brain to signal.

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It wasn’t easy for Sara, a 28-year-old sales manager, to choose to leave her well-paying job at a telecommunications company to work for a friend’s business hot to recruit her. Yet with promises of equal pay, better hours and increased time off, Sara followed her heart and took the job, only to be let go almost immediately, after her friend’s company took a turn for the worse. With mass layoffs taking place, Sara understood that as a new employee, the reasons she made the chopping block had little to do with her skills or accomplishments. Still, she couldn’t seem to quiet that nagging voice that told her she had failed.

Ninety miles away, on another spot on the economic spectrum, Laura, an executive, managing a large division of an international hotel brand, was laid off after eight affluent years with the firm. While the layoff was, once again, due to downsizing and came with an extremely generous severance package, Laura just couldn’t shake the cruel thoughts that she was worthless, dispensable and lacked value.

On the very opposite end of the spectrum, Amy, the president of her own company, who had taken a small firm and built it into a successful international business, was faced with a large decline in profit. Was she angry about the economic situation? Was she considering who she may have to lay off? No, she was attacking herself: “All of this is your fault! You should be able to save the business. And now you are firing people? You are going to ruin these people’s lives!”

In spite of each of these women’s unique circumstances, what caused them the most grief was not their individual economic statuses, but the fact that they had turned against themselves. Even as Sara found herself unemployed with no idea how long it would take her to find a new job, her biggest struggles came from this internal enemy telling her how stupid she was to have given up her old job. Even Laura, who knew she’d be able to live more than comfortably on her severance for a long time to come, was miserable with self-hating thoughts.

It is sadly typical for a negative event, even one that is beyond our control, to awaken our self-critical thoughts. Every one of us harbors an internal enemy ready to pounce: evaluate our every move and judge our every act. This cruel life coach often develops in us at a young age, when we are emotionally vulnerable and impressionable to any negative attitudes directed toward us. As we grow, we internalize this critical point of view and begin to experience it as a first-person form of self-evaluation. Just as Amy thought of herself as a bad boss, Laura as a useless employee and Sara as a fool for being left without a job, we all possess some form of these oddly self-deprecating attitudes. When we experience these attacks, rather than feeling empowered or compelled to take action, we often feel demoralized, dejected and  not confident to make the next move.

“The truth is that all of us are divided within ourselves and have a basic conflict in relation to our goals and aspirations in life,” said Dr. Lisa Firestone, psychologist and co-author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice. “On the one hand, we have feelings of warm self-regard, and traits and behaviors that we like or feel comfortable with in ourselves. We have natural tendencies to grow and develop and to pursue our personal and vocational goals, …to be close in our relationships and to search for meaning in life. These tendencies represent who you really are, the real you, because they are made up of a friendly, compassionate view of yourself.

“Then, on the other hand, we have an unfriendly, critical view of ourselves. This negative side, and its destructive thoughts and attitudes, is referred to as the critical inner voice, because it is the part of you that is turned against your real self. It encourages and strongly influences self-defeating and self-destructive behavior. The balance between these two points of view is easily tipped. Under stressful conditions, our negative way of thinking can become intense and take precedence over our more realistic or positive ways of thinking.”

As the current economic situation impacts people’s lives directly, the difficult circumstances tip the balance between their real self and their critical view of themselves. The negative conditions fuel deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, shame, failure and a basic sense of being bad. The critical view becomes dominant, and people find themselves under attack from their critical inner voice.

“To deal with these critical thoughts, we must first begin to see them as an alien point of view, as oppose to accurate perceptions of who we really are, “ said Firestone, “People should begin to look into where and why they’ve taken on such mean attitudes toward themselves and actively respond to these attacks with a more realistic way of seeing themselves.”

Responding to these “voices” means rejecting them, as you would a real outside enemy and not avoiding taking the chances that they tell you you’ll fail at. As millions of people experience the painful impact of this economic crisis, they must remember their danger is not just in the practical effects it can have on their lives, but the psychological effects it can have on their minds. For more on identifying and dealing with your critical inner voice, click here.

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When he was 3-years-old, Kevin watched his dad drive away. For the few months following his parents’ split, Kevin and his brother had moved in with their father. The three of them lived together contentedly until the day Kevin’s mom showed up out of the blue and announced that she was taking the kids back. Pulled away in his mother’s arms, Kevin remembers he and his brother screaming in unison, “We want to stay, we want to stay!” But his dad gave in and drove away, disappearing from his childhood, but never from his consciousness.

The experiences we have as children are far from our control. From extreme circumstances involving abuse or abandonment to small acts of mistreatment and little ways of being overlooked, childhood leaves us in a constant state of submissiveness. No matter how loving and caring our parents are, we are subject to their every shortcoming. Even the most well-meaning parent is not always able to anticipate or meet all of the needs of their children. We all developed our own ways of coping during these periods of emotional insensitivity and deprivation. For Kevin it was shutting off from going after for what he wanted.

“There was no question–I had to go [with my mother]. I think at that point I just said, ‘Forget it. I don’t want anything from anybody, because anything I do gets taken,’” Kevin remembered, nearly 30 years later. “I feel like even to the current day, any time I get close, I feel afraid that somebody’s going to take it or something is going to happen.”

Kevin’s defenses evolved from being stuck in a situation where he wasn’t getting what he needed from anyone at a time when he was incapable of getting it for himself. To a 3-year-old with an absent father and neglectful mother, these defenses seemed like the rational reaction to an irrational world. As independent adults with our first chance at overcoming past hurts, these tendencies can become our enemy.

“When children are faced with pain and anxiety in their developmental years, they develop defenses to cut off that pain. But the tragedy is that in cutting off the pain, you also cut deeply into their lives, so that defenses that were basically survival-oriented psychologically… also serve as terrible limitations to the self,” said Dr. Robert Firestone author of Psychological Defenses in Everyday Life.

As children, the ways in which we comforted ourselves often served as substitutes for something we were either not getting or wished to avoid. Whatever we did, whether we calmed ourselves with self-soothing habits or disappeared into a world of fantasy, we felt relieved by our behaviors. The pain was lessened, and we were better able to go on with their lives.

As adults, whenever we feel afraid or as if we were going to encounter any pain or unhappiness, we may find ourselves turning to the same defenses that served us so well as children. The irony of this realization lay in that the very defenses that saved us emotionally so long ago are now robbing us of our lives today. What originally served as a reasonable adaptation to an unbearable situation has become our imprisoning agent.

When Kevin realized the rejection he experienced from both his parents as a child caused him to adopt the attitude that he can take care of himself and shouldn’t let anyone too close, he was able to act against these deeply inset instincts. Working as a child counselor, getting married and being present as a father to his three young sons are all gifts he attributes to overcoming these core defenses.

Defenses, however, are not always easy to identify. Rarely are they entirely conscious or black and white. By the time we’ve reached adulthood, they often seem like a fundamental part of who we are. Even as they hurt us, they can still feel safe for their familiarity and original intent to comfort us.

For some, these defenses are more clear than for others. Kelly, a financial advisor in her 40s, felt miserable for much of her childhood. In years of keeping quiet, never causing trouble and crying herself to sleep, Kelly’s parents remained oblivious to her turmoil.

“I feel like they were never there when I needed them. When I was scared, I felt like I couldn’t be scared, because I had no one to turn to. I think that’s really the thing that was missing is just being loved somehow, being held–just that,” said Kelly. Years later, Kelly realized that many of the events that have played out in her life have been the direct result of promises she made to herself in that lonely state as a kid.

“It really was painful when I was thinking back, because I remember these vows, these promises that I made to myself when I was 10-years old, and I remember them very clearly. One, I was never going to have children, and I was never going to be married. I remember how I felt when I made those, and I remember the reasons, but I really feel like I live by them. That’s what’s painful. I really feel like I live by them today.”

It’s helpful to examine how our original defensive adaptations impact our lives today. What methods did we use to cut off from pain and frustration? What were the behaviors or habits that soothed us? Or the promises we made to ourselves? How do these manifest themselves in our lives today?

For instance, many people who soothed themselves with habits like thumb-sucking or holding a favorite blanket now find themselves struggling with addictions to food, drugs or alcohol. Many who calmed themselves with rocking or other repetitive behaviors find themselves restricted by lives of routines and compulsivity. Many who originally withdrew into fantasy, now find themselves lost in daydreaming about success instead of pursuing real goals. And those who vowed to never need anything from anybody now find themselves leading isolated, self-denying, lonely lives.

It is important to understand that our defenses are not us. We should never stubbornly assume that they are part of our identity. By declaring “Well, that’s just the way I am!” “I’m just not an affectionate person,” “I’m just a loner,” or “I just have an addictive personality,” we are giving up on finding out who we really are stripped of our defenses. Only by identifying these reactions as an old adaptation and rejecting their current influence can we lead full existences in which we are truly acting as ourselves.

Defenses are nothing to be proud of. Being guarded or self-sufficient is not the same as being strong, just the same as being self-denying or victimized is not the same as being vulnerable. While we should all be proud that we “survived” our childhoods, we should never pride the means by which we survived: our defenses. By the same token, we should not be ashamed of our defenses. We all have them, and we came be them honestly. However, by recognizing and rejecting them, it is in our power to move on and to no longer be limited by them.

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It’s tough when a friend or family member is going through a depression. No matter how much you love the people in your life who are struggling, appreciate their company or value their friendship, it can feel impossible to get through to them at times when they are depressed. While you may feel like yelling at them to snap out of it and stop indulging in negative thoughts and feelings, you may also sense their resistance to doing things that could make them feel better. This is because the symptoms of depression can turn people against themselves, making it all the more difficult for them to complete the actions that would help eliminate their symptoms. The important message to get across to people at these times is that depression is not only treatable but temporary. There are ways to get over their depression, and you are there for them to help them through it. Learn more about “caring for a depressed person” by visiting Health.com. There you can get detailed information on what you can do to help someone who is depressed. Click here to continue

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It seems everyone, from financial experts to real estate agents, has offered practical advice on how to survive the recent economic downturn. But what about psychological advice? Even as the economy takes a turn for the better, there are few answers on how to cope with the fear and frustration that many of us are still living with everyday. For those of us, the most vital advice is also the simplest: do not isolate yourself.

Not one of us hasn’t felt the weight of the recent economic crisis – not only the practical but the emotional impact. While, in low moments, we may feel alone in this, alone is the last thing we should be. When someone is suffering from emotional depression, therapists will tell them not to isolate themselves, and the same advice holds true when faced with a financial depression. The key in keeping yourself out of the darker corners of your mind is to seek out the friendship and companionship of others.

A natural response when negative emotions are aroused is to become inward. Most of us have learned that when we feel bad, we are supposed to be strong and not bother anyone else with our problems. But this solution never works. Being all alone inside your head is not a good place to be. Pretty soon your negative feelings start working on you. Your fear can turn into torturous, compulsive thinking. Your frustration can turn into feelings of being victimized and powerless. You can begin viewing yourself as a failure, which then triggers shame, guilt and depression. The longer you isolate yourself, the deeper and deeper you will spiral into a negative, self-destructive way of thinking.

However, if you resist the tendency to isolate yourself and reach out to other people, you will find that you are not alone. Others feel like you do; others are going through what you are. And you will find that you aren’t as hard on them as you are on yourself. Your compassionate attitude toward them will influence you to have a friendlier view of yourself. And their benevolent attitude toward you will counteract your negative self-attacks. So for your mental health, and for the mental health of your friends, counteract the impulse to go inward and reach out to others.

Research has proven that being social can help target depression and improve people’s mental health. When you avoid an isolated, self-critical way of thinking, you are far more able to think logically and behave pro-actively. Friends remind you that your worth is not determined by how much you make or defined by what you do. They offer a crucial perspective that counteracts your own critical point of view.

Even if you’re not comfortable turning to your friends for sound psychological advice, the simple distraction of being in another’s presence can take you out of your head. Something as simple as taking a walk in the park, chatting with a stranger or connecting online with an old friend can help free your mind of negative thoughts. When a college classmate of mine was laid off after only a few months at a job she adored, she found solace talking on Facebook with friends who’d undergone a similar fate.

In a recent issue of Newsweek magazine, a reader wrote about a group of people who have met for dinner every Friday night for several years. She spoke of the hardships the various participants have endured over this past year and of how the friendship and concern that have developed among these “dinner guests” is supporting each of them through these hard times. She wrote, “What will save us? I don’t know, but the one thing that helps, from week to week, is dinner with friends…We try to believe that, somehow, we’ll survive this present crisis. But for now, dinner together feels like our last best hope.”

Newsweek, Nov 24, 2008 Just before Thanksgiving, Alicia S Rapp, Melbourne Fla. “My Turn, Dinner for Eight “(myturn.Newsweek.com)

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Millions of self-critical thoughts circle our minds everyday, leaving us miserable, discouraged and held back from going after what we want. Identifying these thoughts as mean-spirited, external points of view can free us from that destructive critical inner voice.

You don’t have to look far to find your critical inner voice. It’s there when you go to a job interview: “Why are you wasting your time? The other applicants are more qualified for this job.” It’s there when you express a point of view, “You idiot, why did you say that? Now everyone will think you are stupid.” It’s there when you make a mistake, “Can’t you do anything right? You are embarrassing yourself!”

The critical inner voice reveals itself in those little everyday thoughts that flit through our consciousness. They zing us and are gone before we are even fully aware of them. These thoughts are part of a menacing internal dialogue, a harsh and judgmental way that we talk to ourselves. Though sometimes hard to pinpoint, the inner voice is often experienced as a running commentary that attacks and criticizes our actions and interactions in everyday life. Unfortunately, this destructive thought process influences us to make decisions that are against our best interests and to take actions that negatively impact our lives. In order to challenge this internal enemy, you must be able to identify your critical inner voice. Once you have become aware of its negative guidance, you can make a conscious effort to not act on its destructive advice.

So how do you uncover this internal enemy, which is hidden among your more objective and realistic views and reactions? The trick is to separate it from the thoughts and feelings that represent your own point of view. One of the reasons that it is difficult to distinguish the attacks of the voice is because they are experienced in the first person; the same as all of your other thoughts. However, you can access this alien point of view by putting it in the second person. To do this, take your self-attacks from the first person (“I” statements) and put them into the second person (“you” statements).

The exercise below will enable you state the critical inner voice in the second person and thus reveal the hostile nature of this internal enemy. It will help you make a distinction between the negative point of view of yourself and a more realistic view. It will also make you aware of other negative thoughts that you may not have been conscious of before. With this simple exercise you will be able to access the feelings that often underlie these self-attacks, allowing you to have a more compassionate view of yourself.

Exercise Part 1: Identifying your critical inner voice:

Take a piece of paper and divide the page in half by drawing a line down the middle from top to bottom. On the left side of the page, record any negative thoughts that you have had toward yourself recently (ie: I am so lazy lately). Now on the right side of the page, translate these same statements into the second person (ie: You are so lazy lately)
Read over the negative statements on the right; it is helpful to read them out loud. Do you get the feeling that someone else is talking to you? Do you detect an unfriendly tone? One that is snide, sarcastic or hostile? Do these negative statements trigger more attacks? If so, write them down, but be sure to write them in the second person on the right side of the page. How do you feel hearing these attacks?

Exercise Part 2: Separating from your critical inner voice:

Take another piece of paper and place it along the right side of the first one. On this new page, next to each voice attack, try to express a realistic and impartial view of yourself, your qualities, and your reactions. What would a compassionate friend or an objective observer say or see about you in relation to the voice attack? Make sure to state this point of view in the first person (“I” statements). This is not meant to be an exercise where you buoy yourself up with self-affirming proclamations, but rather where you view yourself with an objective but kind attitude. You are seeing yourself through your own eyes, as you really are, not distorted by the filter of your critical inner voice.
It is advisable to take time regularly to investigate your critical inner voice attacks. Follow up with this exercise, by writing down your specific self-hating thoughts, always in the second person, and responding to them with a rational, more compassionate and realistic point of view, written in the first person.

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When you’re depressed, it often feels like nothing in the world can make you feel better. Depression is a  devious disorder, because the symptoms it creates can discourage you from completing the very actions or seeking the help that would get rid of the affliction once and for all. Lack of energy, low self-esteem and dwindling excitement are some of the symptoms that make it hard to get out of a depressed state. For anyone experiencing this stuckness, it’s important to remember that depression is a very common and highly treatable disorder. By treating it like any other physical disease and taking the actions that will destroy the parasites infecting your mental state, you can conquer your depression. Here are eight steps to doing just that.

Recognize and Conquer Your Critical Self Attacks

 Depression is often accompanied by a critical, self-destructive mentality that interferes with and distracts us from our daily lives. When depressed, people tend to accept this negative identity as a true representation of who they are. Many people fail to recognize that this sadistic point of view is actually the voice of a well-hidden enemy within, what psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone refers to as the critical inner voice. Internalized early in live, this inner voice functions like an over-disciplinary parent holding us back and keeping us in our place. Think of these thoughts as being like the parasites that keep you in bed when you’re sick with the flu. Don’t listen to these attacks when they tell you not to pursue your goals or to forego an activity you enjoy. This gives the voice even more power over you. Instead, when you notice these thoughts and attitudes starting to intensify and take precedence over your more realistic, positive ways of thinking, it is essential to identify them as an alien point of view. Ask yourself if you would you think such cruel thoughts about a friend or family member? By having compassion for yourself and responding to this inner voice as an irrational enemy, you can begin to see who you really are more clearly and positively.

Think About What You Could Be Angry At

While some experience depression as a continual state of sadness or increased emotion, some depression can come in the form of a state of numbness – a lack of feeling that weakens all excitement and smothers your potential to feel joy. Cutting off to these emotions could be a defense against something you aren’t comfortable feeling. Many people who suffer from depression are actually masking a feeling of anger. Anger can be a hard thing to accept, as from a very young age we are told to behave, not to throw tantrums or get in fights. While acting abusive is never acceptable, feeling anger is a natural part of our everyday lives. By acknowledging and accepting or discussing your angry feelings, you are much less likely to turn these feelings against yourself or allow them to lead you into a depressed state.

Be Active

 When you’re depressed your energy levels can drop drastically, but the last thing you want to do when feeling down is to keep yourself from getting up. It’s a physiological fact that activity fights depression. Get your heart rate up 20 minutes a day, five days a week, and it has been scientifically proven that you will feel better emotionally. Exercising increases the neuro-plasticity of your brain and releases natural chemicals called endorphins, which help to elevate your mood. Even just getting out of the house for a walk, a game of catch with your kids or a trip to the gym is a medically proven method of improving the way you feel mentally.

Don’t Isolate Yourself

When depressed, you may hear thoughts telling you to be alone, keep quiet and not to bother people with your problems. Again, these thoughts should be treated like parasites that try to keep your body from getting healthy. Do not listen to them. When you feel bad, even if you feel embarrassed, confiding in a friend or voicing your struggles can help free you from some of your isolated feelings of unhappiness. Talking about your problems or worries is not a self-centered or self-pitying endeavor. Friends and family, especially those who worry about you, will appreciate knowing what’s going on. Even the simple act of putting yourself in a social atmosphere can lift your spirit. Go someplace where there are people who may have similar interests as you, or even to a public place like a museum, park or a mall where you could enjoy being amongst people. Never allow yourself to indulge in the thought that you are different from or less than anyone else. Everyone struggles at times, and your depression does not define who you are or single you out from others.

Do Things You Once Liked to Do … even if you don’t feel like it

Depression is one of the hardest emotional states to endure, because the symptoms themselves can destroy one’s will and energy to resurface in a happy state. Giving in to this lethargic state can give your depression even more power, whereas staying active in your life, pursuing anything and everything you may find of interest will re-ignite your spark and keep you on your own side. Though harder said then done, the times you feel most like laying on the couch are those you should force yourself to take a walk, cook a meal or call a friend. If you’ve ever been depressed before, do whatever it was that helped you feel better: bake brownies, take a bath, listen to music. Act against the critical inner voice that tells you this won’t help. Remember its only purpose is to keep you from feeling better.

Watch a Funny Show

It may seem silly or all too simple, but anything that makes you laugh or smile can actually help convince your brain to be happy again. you look at depression as your critical inner voice having tricked you into feeling bad, then you can have your own tricks ready to fight depression. Play your favorite sitcom, watch a funny movie or read a comical writer. Don’t think of this exercise as merely a distraction, but as an effective tool in reminding your brain that you can feel good again.

Don’t Punish Yourself for Feeling Bad

Feeling embarrassed or self-hating over your depression will only increase your symptoms and discourage you from seeking help. Your critical thoughts toward yourself will try to keep you down any way they can, including by attacking you for feeling down. It’s important to take your feelings seriously. Remember, depression is a very common and highly treatable disease. It’s just a matter of recognizing you’re feeling bad and finding the treatment that works for you.

See a Therapist

Talking is a powerful way of combating your depression. If you feel bad, don’t let anyone tell you it’s no big deal or that you’ll just get over it. There is nothing shameful about recognizing you have a problem you alone cannot seem to resolve and to seek the help of a therapist. Asking for help is a brave act and speaking to a therapist is a healthy, productive endeavor from which every individual would benefit. Learning about the source of your pain can truly help alleviate its impact on your life, and help is very much available. Low-cost or sliding scale therapy, which bases its fee on your specific financial abilities, is available.

Do you think you may suffer from depression? Take this quiz to help you find out. http://www.depression-screening.org

Suicide Prevention Resources:

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS IN CRISIS OR IN NEED OF IMMEDIATE HELP, CALL 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
This is a free hotline available 24 hours a day to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis. 

* Download the Brochure:
“Save a Life”

* Helpful Websites:
http://www.glendon.org/index.php?pageid=118
www.suicidology.org

* Read
“Something to Lose”
Dr. Lisa Firestone’s blog, The Warning Signs of Suicide
Dr. Lisa Firestone’s blog, Suicide: How Can You Help Someone at Risk

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“What’s keeping me from feeling?”

How could something as natural as feeling our emotions be so difficult? There is a very logical explanation for why we have trouble accessing our feelings and instead find ourselves cut off and detached. Many of us are defended against feeling and to understand why, we have to go back to when we first developed our defenses.

When we were children, we were too small and vulnerable to effectively cope with our environment. We were truly powerless and dependent on others to take care of us and meet our needs. Unfortunately, no matter how loving and caring the adults in a child’s life are, they are not able to anticipate or meet all of the needs of the child. Even the most well-meaning parent cannot help but fall short in this way. These times of inadvertent emotional insensitivity and deprivation are intensely painful and frustrating for the infant and toddler. Infants have no way of knowing that their discomfort is temporary because they don’t yet have a concept of time; they experience their pain as overwhelming and endless.

At these times, the only way for us to cope was to somehow cut off from these horrible feelings. We found ways of comforting ourselves as a substitute for what we were not getting. Whatever we did–whether we calmed ourselves with thumb sucking or other self-soothing habits, or disappeared into a world of fantasy–we were immediately relieved. The pain was lessened, and we were better able to go on with our lives. This adaptation saved us. What was the alternative? The pain was too intense for us as tiny infants, and we did what we had to do. To survive we coped intelligently: we developed defenses. This original adaptation laid the groundwork for the individual styles of defending ourselves that we each developed as we grew older.

So we grew up. And along the way–whenever we were afraid we were going to encounter any pain or unhappiness–we turned to the same defenses that served us so well as young children. But now we are adults–not children. We are no longer dependent on others to survive. Even though we are no longer powerless victims in the world we live in, we are still living as though we are. We are clinging desperately to our childhood defenses, believing we still need to be protected from a world that can overwhelm us. We are unaware that those types of threats do not exist anymore, not in the world of the adult.

It is helpful to examine how your original defensive adaptations are affecting your life today. Can you remember how you cut yourself off from pain and frustration when you were little? What were the behaviors or habits that soothed you as a child? Did you suck your thumb? Did you rub a favorite blanket? Did you distract yourself by picking a fight with another child? Did you keep yourself company by talking to an imaginary friend? Did you disappear into a world of fantasy and make-believe? Did you withdraw and refuse to take anything from anyone else?

Now think about yourself today. Typically those of us who soothed ourselves—with thumb-sucking, rubbing a favorite blanket, twirling our hair –now find ourselves struggling with addictions to food, drugs or alcohol. Those of us who calmed ourselves with rocking or other repetitive behaviors now find ourselves restricted by lives of routines and compulsivity. Those of us who originally withdrew into fantasy, now find ourselves lost in daydreaming about success instead of pursuing real goals. And those of us who vowed to never need anything from anybody now find ourselves leading isolated, self-denying, lonely lives.

It is ironic that the very defenses that saved us emotionally so long ago are now robbing us of our lives today. What originally served as a reasonable adaptation to an unbearable situation has become our imprisoning agent. So here we stand–shrouded in the armor of our childhood defenses–not realizing that it is safe to shed the armor. Unaware that we are indeed free to move about unencumbered.

Free to feel. Free to be ourselves. Free to experience our lives.

Related Articles
What Are Defenses?

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Depression can be a very serious, debilitating disorder. About seven out of a hundred people suffer depression at some point in their lives, making it an important health concern that commands treatment. Dealing with depression can feel especially difficult, because the symptoms it generates (i.e. tiredness, lethargy and lack of enthusiasm) can deter those suffering from seeking the very treatment that would put an end to their symptoms.

Though at times depression may feel like a demoralizing cycle, what some people may not be aware of is that depression is not only extremely treatable but temporary. For most people, depression only lasts for a limited amount of time. Treatment options are vast, and there are many ways to actively fight depression.

The more one understands the physical and psychological factors driving their depression, the better able they are to overcome it. One important step in this process is to recognize the critical inner voices (harsh self-critical thoughts) that seep into our consciousness, both causing and exacerbating depression. When people feel depressed, it makes them especially susceptible to self-attacks. They may hear thoughts like: You’re so lazy. You’re bothering everyone. Stop moping around. You’re such a burden. This line of thinking reflects distorted perceptions that are not based on reality.  Rather, they represent the work of the critical inner voice, an internalized enemy that develops in us based on early life experiences.  Fighting back against these voices, refusing to believe or indulge in them, is a giant step toward conquering your depression.

Symptoms of depression can further be challenged when one takes physical as well as emotional action. Physical activity can actually increase the brain’s neuroplasticity, which sets the stage for emotional change. In other words, exercise can actually change your brain, lighten your mood and facilitate behaviors that keep depression at bay. Just 20 minutes a day, five days a week of cardio is scientifically shown to make a big difference.

Other activities that can be vital to combating depression involve making a social connection. Even just visiting a public place and being among people we don’t know can lift our spirits significantly or keep us from dangerous dips in mood. Joining clubs, taking classes or volunteering can be great opportunities for social interaction proven to make people feel better.

While hobbies or activities we once enjoyed may cease to seem appealing when depression seeps in, continuing to partake in these actions can be extremely important. Even if you don’t feel like taking a walk, playing a sport, painting a picture or watching a funny TV show, these can all be examples of activities that can uplift you, especially if they are things you once enjoyed.

No matter what your symptoms, those suffering from depression should never allow themselves to indulge in thoughts of being a burden. If you had the flu, would you feel guilty for your symptoms? Like anyone, suffering from a common cold, people feeling depressed should use their energy to focus on getting better. If one indulges in a feeling of worthlessness, the depression often only gets worse, a pattern that leads to even more self-shaming thoughts.  This pattern can be especially dangerous, as it prevents people from one of the most important things they can do to fight depression, talking. Talking, whether to a friend, a counselor or a therapist can be essential to getting through hard times. Therapy and counseling can help people understand core issues and beat their battles with depression.

For some people, anti-depressant drugs can be helpful, just as meditation and other mental exercises can also be of aid. The message here is simply and sincerely that there is hope for those suffering from depression. Anyone battling depression must recognize that there is no shame in seeking treatment or taking time to overcome their symptoms. They must also understand that the cruel thoughts telling them that they wont get better are merely symptoms of one of depression’s distorted psychological sources, the critical inner voice, which, like depression, can be targeted, treated and obliterated one step at a time.

Depression Resources:
National Institute of Mental Health – Depression
Depression.com
WebMD – Depression
Helpguide.org – Depression
Depression-Screening.org
American Psychological Association – Depression
Mayo Clinic – Depression

Suicide Prevention Resources:

If someone you know is at risk for suicide, call your local suicide hotline or 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Download the Brochure:
“Save a Life”

Helpful Websites:
http://www.glendon.org/index.php?pageid=118
www.suicidology.org

Read
“Something to Lose”
Dr. Lisa Firestone’s blog, The Warning Signs of Suicide
Dr. Lisa Firestone’s blog, Suicide: How Can You Help Someone at Risk

Related Articles:
Eight Ways to Actively Fight Depression
How to Identify Your Critical Inner Voice
Isolation and Loneliness
The Joy of Sadness

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