You don’t need to be a psychologist to note the very harsh effects of a breakup on a person’s mental health. When a relationship ends, humiliation, rage, loneliness, anguish and grief all seem to simultaneously show up at the door, marching in arm-in-arm to parade noisily around our psyche. Evicting these emotions is a matter of healing, reconciling, finding peace within ourselves and somehow moving on. The road to recovery is rough, not just because we are struggling with the real loss of a person or a way of life we really loved, but because every painful rejection is fueled by two forces: the actuality of the loss itself and the army of negative, self-loathing thoughts reawakens within us.

Every hurt we experience echoes a barrage of rejections and painful events from our pasts. Throughout our lives, we are psychologically formed by our experience. We sweep along collecting the dust from the many lies, miscommunications, betrayals, criticisms and rejections we have experienced from the moment we were born: the frightening time a parent lost control, the angry look of a caretaker, the disapproval from someone we admired or abandonment of a loved one. All of these old and familiar experiences have shaped the way we see ourselves and the world around us.

As adults, we tend to use painful events from our present to confirm negative attitudes from our past. The horrible things we believe about ourselves on a deep, fundamental level resurface the minute a situation like a break-up can be used to prove and support them. How often do we hear people fresh out of a relationship say things like, “He never really loved me. I will never find someone. I’m destined to be alone. Who would choose me?” How can the dismissal of one person cause such a spiral of universal self-shame? Why can’t we shake that sinking feeling of humiliation and unworthiness the moment someone decides they don’t want to be with us romantically?

My father, psychologist and author Robert Firestone, recently commented, “It’s amazing how people will suck the marrow out of rejection.” While most of us like to think that all we want is true love, the reality is, many of us are addicted to rejection. Rejection validates the negative point of view of what my father calls a “critical inner voice.” This “voice” represents an internal enemy shaped out of negative events that took place early in life. While the commentary of this critical inner voice might not be pleasant, it is familiar, and unless we challenge it, we carry it stubbornly with us into adulthood.

This explains why, in a break-up, instead of just feeling the sadness of losing someone important to us, we are so often determined to turn the rejection against ourselves. Our critical inner voice, which may have been quieted while we were basking in the affections of someone we cared for, is now there to coldly say “I told you so.” Just as our positive sense of self is there to lift us through dark times, our inner critic is there to drag us through the mud. Which side of ourselves we choose to go with can mean the difference between living a rich and fulfilling life and holding ourselves back from true happiness every step of the way.

To get through a rejection or any painful occurrence in our life — the loss of a job, the inconsistency of a friend, the disappointment of a family member — we need to stand up to our critical inner voice. We can do this by first identifying when this voice is creeping into our thinking. When does a thought like, “I really miss him” become “I will never meet anyone like him. No one will ever love me?” To help us catch on to this cruel internal dialogue without blindly believing every word it utters, it’s helpful to think of our thoughts in the third person. Would we ever let someone talk to us the way we are shouting at ourselves? Moreover, would we ever tolerate someone speaking to a friend of ours the way our critical inner voice speaks to us?

We have to catch on the moment our anger turns against us. When your thoughts switch from, “I hate her for leaving me” to “Of course she left me. I’m nobody,” you can bet that your inner critic is now at work. The more we listen to it and indulge in its doctrines, the weaker and worse we feel. When you sense that voice seeping in, take a moment to write down your thoughts in the third person. Use “you” instead of “me” statements (i.e. “Of course she left you. You’re nobody.”) Think about what this voice sounds like to you. Is it familiar? Where could it be coming from? Then, respond to that voice with the compassion of a friend. You may write statements like, “I am not worthless. I’m a good person and a good choice. I deserve to be loved.”

The more we can identify when we are turning against ourselves rather than just feeling the pain of difficult events, the better off we will be in the long run. We can learn to cleanly separate our current feelings from the old pain and insults we carry with us. We can learn to treat rejection as a loss of a person we valued without losing a sense of our own value.

When we step out from the skewed viewpoint of our inner critic, we can map out and follow our own principles. In doing so, we build a strong and healthy sense of self that no one person can shatter. It becomes harder and harder to define ourselves through the eyes of someone else, particularly those who’ve hurt us along the way. The goal in abolishing our inner critic and establishing this sense of self is not to boost our egos or build a wall of protection that wards off outsiders or closes us off from love. It is simply to recognize and separate from past influences that have led us astray. This journey of differentiation helps us to uncover who we really are, to feel solid and worthy as ourselves, and to accept that we are lovable, and that we have been since the day we were born.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

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A Relationship Is A Creative Work

Dr. Carol Gilligan: It’s like, if you do any creative work, you have to be willing to fail because creative work means you’re walking off the edge of a cliff. You don’t know what you’re going to do. And we’re a society that has a very low tolerance of any kind of failure; this sort of notion of perfection. If you’re in a relationship, you’re going to have conflict, and you’re going to do things you regret, and this idea actually comes up in my novel, Kira, because somebody says this to Kira, says the idea of, “One false move and that’s it.” He does something really hurtful, annoying, dorky, I don’t know what, get rid of him, get another one. Or, she does something he doesn’t like, get a younger version of her, or something like that. And it’s, you can just tell, that that’s just going to cycle over and over and over again. It’s just totally unrealistic.

It’s A Huge Risk To Love Someone

Dr. Carol Gilligan: Well, you see, the thing about relationship is, it’s like the tide, it’s always moving. It’s alive and the minute you try to freeze the relationship where you get scared… I mean, it’s true, in life somebody could always die, somebody could leave. It’s like, things happen. So it’s a huge risk to love somebody and it’s very dangerous in that sense. On the other hand, if you try to control love, or a relationship, you destroy it, you kill it.

To Genuinely Love Someone You Must Know Them

Dr. Carol Gillgan: First of all, you know, if you really love somebody, that means you know them, because otherwise you don’t love them, you love something else. So if you love somebody, you know them and if you know them, and I think this is what part of love is, you want them to, you know, flourish. And so that’s, if marriage does that, it’s amazing to feel that you live with that kind of knowing of each other, and being known, and that desire to see one another be most fully, really, themselves. And then that doesn’t threaten the relationship. It’s sort of ridiculous to think about that.

We Challenge Each Other

Dr. Carol Gilligan: Even when we could sort of fool ourselves, we can’t do it with each other, so we challenge each other in a way to live out of that part of ourselves. That’s very obviously very appealing to each of us, very, you know, challenging, and so our relationship keeps challenging us in that way and it’s alive, it’s exciting. If it were dead, then why would you stay married? So I think that’s really the core of it, and I think it’s funny because I think it’s easier in this society – which is why I wrote The Birth of Pleasure — it’s easier to talk about pain, it’s easier to talk about sadness, it’s easier to talk about loss, it’s easier to talk about tragedy than it is to talk about love, about pleasure, about just having fun with each other and liking to be with each other and sort of being intrigued by each other and that kind of thing. You know, for example, I dedicated my novel to Jim and I said in the acknowledgments that I don’t think I would have written a novel, but because Jim believed that I could write a novel, long before I thought so … and you know in Jim’s book, Violence, he also said in his acknowledgment that he felt I challenged him to write that book in his own voice. That incredible opening of that book, just the sheer writing of the opening of that—I know Jim as somebody who could do that. If you really want to know why are we together after all these years, that’s probably the answer to that.

Dr. James Gilligan and Dr. Carol Gilligan – A Marriage Can Be Many Marriages

Dr. Carol Gilligan: You go through time. That’s the other thing if you’re in a long marriage as we have been, you know, you could say we’ve been in many marriages because it hasn’t been one thing over time, I mean, and it has to be that way.
Dr. James Gilligan: Yes, we’ve had seven or eight or nine different marriages. (They both laugh.)
 
Dr. James Gilligan, M.D., is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine, Adjunct Professor in the School of Law, and Collegiate Professor in the School of Arts and Science at New York University. He is a former president of the International Association for Forensic Psychotherapy. He is the author of Violence: Reflections on a National Epidemic, Preventing Violence: Prospects for Tomorrow, and the forthcoming Why Some Politicians Are More Dangerous Than Others. As a faculty member of the Harvard Medical School for many years, he headed the Institute of Law and Psychiatry, and directed mental health services for the Massachusetts prisons and prison mental hospital. He served as an expert witness in the litigation that was the subject of the Supreme Court decision in Plata V. Brown.

Dr. Carol Gilligan is an American feminist, ethicist, and psychologist best known for her work with and against Lawrence Kohlberg on ethical community and ethical relationships, and certain subject-object problems in ethics. She is currently a Professor at New York University and a Visiting Professor at the University of Cambridge. She is best known for her 1982 work, In a Different Voice.

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The reasons we fall in love may be a mystery, but the reasons we stay in love are far less elusive. That is why this New Year’s, I propose making a few resolutions about what we look for in a romantic relationship. There may be no such thing as the perfect partner, but an ideal partner can be found in someone who has developed themselves in certain ways that go beyond the surface. While we each seek out a specific set of qualities that is uniquely meaningful to us alone, there are certain psychological characteristics both you and your partner can aim for that make the flame not only stronger, more passionate and more fulfilling, but also far less likely to die out the moment the clock strikes midnight.

Many of these qualities won’t be apparent to us when we first meet someone, but as we get to know the people we date, these are invaluable traits to both look for in them and to strive for in ourselves. These ideal attributes include:

1. Maturity

This statement is not meant to echo the ever-advised mantra that maturity is important. Being “grown up” isn’t merely a matter of not acting like a kid anymore. It’s not about a boyfriend who remembers to take out the trash or a girlfriend who never runs late. These qualities are nice, but to truly grow up means making an active effort to recognize and resolve negative influences from our past. An ideal partner is thus willing to reflect on his or her history and is interested in understanding how old events inform current behaviors.

When people mature emotionally, they are less likely to re-enact or project past experiences onto their current relationships. They develop a strong sense of independence and autonomy, having differentiated from destructive influences from early in life. As they evolve within themselves, they are less likely to look for someone to compensate for shortcomings and weaknesses or to complete their incompleteness. Instead, they’re looking for someone to share life with as equals and to appreciate independently of themselves. Having broken ties to old identities and patterns, this person is much more available to a romantic partner and the new family that they create together. Naturally, becoming emotionally mature ourselves helps with this process and dramatically improves our chances of achieving a solid and rewarding relationship.

2. Openness 

The ideal partner is open, undefended and willing to be vulnerable. No human being is perfect, so finding someone who is approachable and receptive to feedback can be a huge asset to a lasting union. When someone is free-thinking and open-minded, it enables them to be forthright in expressing feelings, thoughts, dreams and desires, which allows you to truly know them. Their openness is also an indication of their interest in personal development and often contributes to the development of the relationship. Like perfect people, perfect unions do not exist, so finding someone with whom you can talk about an area that you feel is lacking in your relationship and who is open to evolving is more than half the battle. Conversely, being willing to accept feedback from our partners and looking for that kernel of truth in what they say allows us to develop ourselves in a similar manner.

3. Honesty & Integrity

The ideal partner realizes the importance of honesty in a close relationship. Honesty builds trust between people. Dishonesty confuses the other person, betraying their vulnerability and shattering their sense of reality. Nothing has a more destructive impact on a close relationship between two people than dishonesty and deception. Even in painful situations such as infidelity, the blatant deception involved is often equally, if not more, hurtful than the unfaithful act itself. The ideal partner strives to live a life of integrity so that there are no discrepancies between words and actions. This goes for all levels of communication, both verbal and nonverbal. Being open and honest in our most intimate relationships means really knowing ourselves and our intentions. While this can prove difficult, it is an effort worth striving for.

4.Respect & Independence 

Ideal partners value each others’ interests separate from their own. They feel congenial toward and supportive of each other’s overall goals in life. They are sensitive to the other’s wants, desires and feelings, and place them on an equal basis with their own. Ideal partners treat each other with respect and sensitivity. They do not try to control each other with threatening or manipulative behavior. They are respectful of their partner’s distinct personal boundaries, while at the same time remaining close physically and emotionally. Valuing and respecting our partners’ sovereign minds and not trying to change them allows us to really know them as a separate people.

5. Empathy

The ideal partner perceives their mate on both an intellectual, observational level and an emotional, intuitive level. This person is able to both understand and empathize with his or her partner. When two people in a couple understand each other, they become aware of the commonalities that exist between them and also recognize and appreciate the differences. When both partners are empathic, that is, capable of communicating with feeling and with respect for the other person’s wants, attitudes and values, each partner feels understood and validated. Developing our ability to be empathic helps us understand and attune to our partner.

6. Affection

The ideal partner is easily affectionate and responsive on many levels: physically, emotionally and verbally. He or she is personal, acknowledging and outwardly demonstrative of feelings of warmth and tenderness. This person should enjoy closeness in being sexual and feel uninhibited in giving and accepting affection and pleasure. Being open to both giving and receiving affection adds a poignant feeling to our lives.

7. Sense of Humor

The ideal partner has a sense of humor. A sense of humor can be a lifesaver in a relationship. The ability to laugh at one’s self and at life’s foibles allows a person to maintain a proper perspective when dealing with sensitive issues that arise within the relationship. Couples who are playful and teasing often defuse potentially volatile situations with their humor. A good sense of humor definitely eases the tense moments in a relationship. Being able to laugh at ourselves makes life much easier. Plus, it is one of life’s greatest joys to be able to laugh with someone close to us.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

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The latest Twilight movie “Breaking Dawn” is already breaking records. Young fans clamored and camped out on dirty sidewalks for hours (even days) to make it to Friday’s midnight premiere. Walking past one such line, I noticed a father dropping off a shrieking group of dressed up 15-year-old girls from a stretched hummer, rented just for the occasion. For many, the anticipation of attending a Twilight premiere is likened to that of preparing for a high school prom. But teens aren’t the only ones captivated. Audiences of all ages are hooked, guiltily or not, to the fanatical, addictive, and utterly over-the-top love between the film’s lead characters. So what is it about this solemn, interspecies affair that so appeals to the masses?

To put it simply, vampires and werewolves aren’t the only element of fantasy we are taken with. It is the instant and eternal attraction between Edward and Bella, two somber teens, one human and one vampire, pulled together inexplicably against all forces of danger and all rules of logic. Edward’s desire for Bella is so ravenous in nature that he literally craves her blood above that of any other, while after a fleeting encounter, Bella is so taken with Edward that she can’t imagine her existence without him.

Is this the model of love we should teach our kids to strive for? Maybe not, but its appeal is closer to home than we may think. Fantasy and fairy tales tell us stories of the perfect love, the flawless soul mate, and the uncontrollable wave of desire that never seems to ride out. While the thought of happily ever after with someone you love forever isn’t a bad goal to strive for, the trouble comes when we start putting all our security and identity into that person. Making ourselves vulnerable to love is one thing, but losing ourselves in fantasy is another.

Falling in love can mean opening yourself up to new experiences, feeling free, spontaneous, generous, and differentiated from your past. Falling into fantasy can mean forming a connection that isn’t based on real substance,. The instant and addictive attractions like that depicted so intensely in Twilight are not always based on the qualities and reality about a person or the connections that would lead to a real and lasting relationship. Instead, they may be based on a draw toward fantasy, a false sense of being completed, or an innate desire to merge one’s identity with another (returning to the safety of the womb). They can also be based on emotional hunger toward a partner, or the illusion of getting safety and immortality through “love” and walking off into the sunset together forever.

So why are we drawn to fantasy over reality when it comes to intimacy? Real relationships show us that human beings are well, human. They carry battle wounds and emotional baggage that heavily weigh on their closest relationships. Even when we do find someone with whom we share a deep and meaningful connection, we tend to struggle through real issues. Serious relationships challenge us. The closer we get to someone, the more we can expect to face our own defenses, an inner resistance we have to getting too close or caring too much. Feeling love from someone else can be the best feeling in the world, but it can also challenge us on a deeper level, going against negative beliefs about ourselves we hold at our core and forcing us to face the pain of feeling deeply for someone else.

What we often do to protect ourselves against the challenges that arise with real love is form what my father psychologist Robert Firestone termed a “Fantasy Bond.” The fantasy bond is a connection built out of fears from danger and even from death that we often experience at an unconscious level. This bond substitutes real feelings of love, respect, and spontaneity with an illusion of connection, a focus on form over substance, and a false sense of security and completion by another person.

When we form a fantasy bond, we become less and less like two independent individuals who feel genuine attraction to each other. Instead, we start to fuse our identity with the person we care for, relying on them to give us value and make us feel safe. Take Twilight’s Bella, for example. This teenage heroine doesn’t believe life holds any meaning without vampire Edward. He is her protector from danger, her companion against isolation, and her ticket to literal immortality.

The main characters in the film will go to any end for each other. When separated, Bella even repeatedly cheats death in hopes that Edward will appear to save her. Most of us hold parts of us that want to be saved in a relationship, rescued from past hurts, protected from feeling alone, and even saved from death symbolically, or at least dying alone. The trouble is that projecting these qualities onto our partner distorts them in a way that often leads to destructive outcomes.

Moreover, in order to live in fantasy, we have to suspend reality and give up the positive aspects of our relationship that we value but that cause us real pain. Unlike the immortal Edward Cullen, our partners can neither save nor protect us from inevitabilities like our past, our humanity, or our mortality. Because of this, we tend to turn the relationship itself into a source of security, while simultaneously creating emotional (or even physical) distance between ourselves and our partners. We do this because, being close to someone stirs us up on a deep level that most of us don’t expect. It challenges us to face our old patterns of defense, insecurities, and fears involving love and loss. When we experience deep loving feelings it makes us value our life and that of our loved one. These sweet poignant emotions raise our anxiety about death. We begin to value a life we will surely lose. Often following experiences that engender these feelings, we unconsciously create distance between ourselves and our partner.

Living a life in which we are truly loved and loving toward another person is not as easy as it is assumed to be. To maintain a fulfilling relationship means having to put up a fight. This fight won’t involve facing evil mythical creatures like bloodthirsty vampires, yet it will involve facing our own internal demons that limit us when it comes to forming a real loving relationship.

The love depicted in Twilight is a figment of fantasy, a co-dependent, hungry union in which two people expect to be mutually rescued and bound for eternity. In real life, the most we can and should hope for is finding someone to be kind to who is kind to us, someone who we feel respect, attraction, and admiration, someone who encourages us to challenge our own defenses and limitations, and who helps us to become our best selves. Then, we can work together to enjoy whatever amount of eternity we are lucky enough to share.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

 

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Sex is one of the strongest motivating forces in life. It has the potential for creating intense pleasure and fulfillment or for causing considerable pain and suffering. The effect of a natural expression of sexuality on one’s sense of well-being and overall enjoyment of life cannot be over-emphasized. The way people feel about themselves as men and women, their feelings about their bodies, and their attitudes toward sex contribute more to a sense of self and feeling of happiness than any other area of experience.

A “healthy” orientation toward sexuality is reflected in a person’s appearance and attractiveness, in the ability to be tender and generous to others, in a sensitivity to children, and in one’s level of overall vitality. The combination of loving, sexual contact and genuine friendship in a stable, long-term relationship is conducive to good mental health and is a highly regarded ideal for most people.

On the other hand, disturbances in one’s sexual life can have serious negative consequences: the unavailability of sexual pleasure and fulfillment causes irritability and tension; jealousy often leads to passive brooding and low-grade anger; and sexual withholding activates regressive or childlike feelings of inadequacy in oneself and rage and desperation in one’s partner. An individual’s basic attitudes, thoughts, and feelings about sex largely determine the extent to which he or she relies on inward, self-protective mechanisms or seeks satisfaction in a real relationship. Relegating sexuality to a completely separate and discrete sector of life also contributes to a basic distortion of human sexuality. This compartmentalization takes sex out of the realm of being a ubiquitous part of a person’s human nature.

Most intimate couple relationships start out with the individuals spontaneously expressing their sexual feelings but often degenerate into a Fantasy Bond typified by sexual withholding and other maladaptive responses. People who are involved in long-term intimate relationships are, for the most part, deeply affected by the declining quality in their sexual relating. However, unless they are troubled by a specific sexual problem, they may be unaware of the extent of the damage they sustain in the privacy of their bedrooms.

Most people view their mutual patterns of withholding and their diminished sexual attraction to each other as part of the normal course of events and mistakenly place the blame on the familiarity, routine, and daily contact inherent to a committed relationship. In truth, once people have been damaged in their basic feeling about themselves in their early lives, they find it difficult to offer or to accept love and close companionship. They hold on to their negative self-image because to change would lead to anxiety.

In time, destructive changes tend to occur not only in the area of people’s sexuality, but also in individuals’ fundamental feelings about themselves as men and women. The problem often can be traced to disturbances in the original mother-infant dyad or family constellation, and their reenactment of these dynamics in the present. Beyond a certain point in the early phases of a new relationship, most people gradually stop responding to each other according to present-day reality. Instead, regressive, childlike feelings and reactions gradually replace adult responses. One’s original feelings toward one’s parents are transferred onto the loved one. This process can be likened to the phenomenon of transference which occurs in psychoanalysis.

There are other factors that affect sexual relating in long-term relationships. When men and women experience child sexual abuse, their sexual lives as adults may be problem-free until they enter into a deep relationship, at which point they begin to have trouble. In Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (2006), we described several individuals who were abused sexually as children and who became increasingly intolerant of closeness, affection, and passion as their relationship became more meaningful. They began to hold back their responses either sexually or emotionally, trying to stay away from the special combination of love, sexuality, and tenderness that can be the most satisfying. It seemed that they were unconsciously holding back a full sexual response to avoid reawakening painful feelings or memories from their past.

In withholding their sexual responses, individuals are denying their need for another person or for anything outside the self-parenting system. To varying degrees, they fantasize that they can entirely meet their own needs, that they can “feed” themselves, in effect. To help understand where one stands in relation to this defensive process, it is valuable to examine one’s sexual life and sexual fantasies because they symbolically express the individual’s attitudes toward the giving and taking of love in relation to other persons. This analysis also reveals the manner and the extent to which people have retreated to an inward style of self-feeding in order to gratify themselves, as compared with the ability to have a deep feeling, emotional exchange with another person.

This maladaptive process negatively affects marital relationships by limiting sexual responses and/or by distorting one’s views of sex based on the past. These inappropriate responses vary in intensity and become compulsive to the extent that the individual experienced deprivation, rejection, or sexual abuse, or has other issues of unresolved trauma or loss. By understanding and working through the defensive, regressive ways of relating sexually described here, many people have been able to regain the friendship, affection and lively sexuality that characterized the early phases of their relationship.

Click Here to Read More From Dr. Robert Firestone

Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, author, theorist and artist. He is the Consulting Theorist for the non-profit,The Glendon Association. He is author of many books including Voice Therapy, The Fantasy Bond, Compassionate Child-Rearing, Fear of Intimacy and Beyond Death Anxiety among others. He has published more than 30 professional articles and chapters for edited volumes, and produced 35 video documentaries. His art can be viewed on www.theartofrwfirestone.com.

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Anyone who has indulged in romantic comedies like When Harry Met Sally, As Good as it Gets, Moonstruck or pretty much anything starring Sandra Bullock knows the theme of opposites attracting and enemies becoming lovers. This theme has been around since the beginning of time; We see it in Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew and Jane Austen’s Emma. Yet as much as many a film, novel or play would like us to believe it, we aren’t all that likely to fall in love with someone we initially cannot stand. But a new article begs the question, can we learn to fall in love with someone with whom we don’t initially feel that special “spark.”

Sure, attraction is necessary to starting any relationship, but how much do we depend on that initial attraction as a sign of lasting love? As a recent article by Dr. Robert Epstein puts it, “I don’t believe you can fall in love with absolutely anyone, but there are many people around us with whom we could very deliberately create lasting love.”

It may not seem that romantic: meeting someone, liking that person enough to give him or her a chance, then seeing whether strong feelings can develop toward that person. But Dr. Epstein’s article recommends we look at love a different way. In his interview with www.psychologies.co.uk, Dr. Epstein advises that we not be so passive in waiting for love to find us, to strike us with Cupid’s piercing arrow and overwhelm us with mental and physical attraction. Instead, he encourages people to be more open to love, more open to the flaws in our partners and less dependent on the notion that we have only one true  soulmate. Dr. Epstein goes on to warn us that the more we idealize a partner in the early stages of a relationship, the more disappointed we will be to eventually discover this person isn’t as perfect as we’d imagined.

So how can we make the best choice for ourselves? How can we learn to fall  in love and stay in love?

In the early stage of selecting a partner, it’s important to consider the ideal qualities we should look for in that partner that would lead to an ideal relationship. These qualities include maturity, non-defensiveness, honesty, empathy and a sense of humor (among others). When two people find these qualities in each other and make the choice to be together, they often possess strong feelings for each other that are very real to them: mutual respect, attraction and appreciation. By establishing that our partners possess these qualities, we can  feel confident that we have made a high-level choice for ourselves and can feel more comfortable sharing life closely with that person.

Once a relationship becomes more serious, it’s important to be wary of the ways we can become overly critical toward our partners. As much as we all say we want love, there are many defenses we possess that protect us from allowing ourselves to fully experience love and allow it to remain in our lives. Old hurts, memories and systems we once used to protect ourselves can unconsciously resurface when we get close to someone.

These defenses can take the shape of an internal enemy. This enemy is always there to put us down and threaten to sabotage our happiness. Think of all the times a voice inside your head told you not to ask out someone you like, not to be vulnerable to your partner, not to trust someone you love or not to believe that you are cared about. This same “critical inner voice” that turns on us can turn on our partners. Try to be wary of this voice and separate your real feelings from those you may be projecting from old defenses.

The more we act on our defenses, the more likely we are to replace the real love we once felt for our partners with a more routinized and dulled manner of relating. We may take the actions associated with being in love  like going out or moving in together, but as we do these things, we may not feel the same initial excitement we had toward our partners.

When we act on our defenses or listen to our critical inner voices, we are far less likely to remain vulnerable to those we love. We may protect ourselves with thoughts like: She never even thinks of me anymore, He’s not attracted to you, She’s going to leave you, so don’t get too close. Indulging in these thoughts can leave us distanced from our partners and our loving, attracted feelings. At the same time, we may not want to lose the security of being in a relationship, so we form what Dr. Robert Firestone refers to as a “fantasy bond.” The fantasy bond is an illusion of connection that allows us to maintain the form of a relationship, while losing our loving feelings toward our partners.

There are many ways to keep a relationship healthy and avoid the trappings of a fantasy bond. For one, we can have integrity in maintaining the ideal qualities in ourselves that support a healthy relationship. We can also be aware of the “critical inner voices” telling us to pull away from our loving feelings. Lastly, we can look for signs we are engaging in a fantasy bond and actively seek to interrupt these patterns.

Click here to read Dr. Epstein’s article “Can You Learn to Love Anyone?”

Related Articles:
Understanding Fear of Intimacy
How do I Know if I Have a Fantasy Bond?
Seven Real Vows to make Your Marriage Last
The Inner Voice that Undermines Your Relationship
How to Make Love Last by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
Seven Qualities of an Ideal Partner

Watch psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss “The Qualities of an Ideal Relationship”:

Watch psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss “Why We Keep Making the Same Bad Choices”:

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

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Anyone who’s done their share of dating has probably been on one side or the other of the It’s not you, it’s me routine. These five common words, which strive for compassion, in reality just leave our exes confused and puzzling over what went wrong. No one buys this explanation. And why should they? After all, most perpetrators of the I.N.Y.I.M. will tell people that their partner was completely to blame just as soon as that partner is out of earshot

For many years, I have been writing, giving presentations and counseling individuals and couples on intimate relationships and fears of intimacy, explaining how one’s defenses and critical inner voices negatively affect romance. I am always struck by how many people come up to me after my presentations to thank me and tell me that the fears of intimacy and defensive traits I have been outlining perfectly describe their partner. These people are essentially saying, “Yes, I know defenses are hurting my intimate relationship, but it’s not my defenses, it’s theirs.”

In my professional experience, it is all too easy for people to identify issues in their partners and increasingly difficult for them to pinpoint problems in themselves. Relationships are not easy and it is natural to feel worried as the initial sparks taper. As you begin to notice changes in the quality of relating, it is easy to focus the blame on negative traits in the other person. The focus needs to shift away from how to “fix” the other person and towards a broader view of how to repair the relationship. The only way to change another person in relation to you is by changing yourself. You have 100 percent of the power necessary to change your relationship, but you can only do so by taking a closer look at yourself, making your own personal development a priority and taking specific actions to change your part in the relationship dynamics you do not like.

There can be great value, practically and therapeutically, to taking an It’s not you, it’s me approach to your relationship. Rather than using this as an excuse when ending your involvement with someone, why not use it as an exercise to improve your relationship with that person. By following these steps you can develop a deeper relationship with your partner, one where mutual understanding, trust and equality replace cynicism and frustration.

Dynamics and patterns become firmly in place early on in relationships. While some dynamics are clearly more destructive than others, all routine patterns of relating can create unpleasant feelings in couples. By recognizing destructive dynamics that exist between you and your partner, you can change these dynamic by simply not playing the other half, after all, it actually does takes two to tango.  For example, the wife and husband whose pattern is acting like the child and parent, can change the dynamic if either one is willing to drop their role and relate as an equal to the other. The wife can not fall apart when the husband sounds parental, and the husband can not reprimand her when she acts helpless. Breaking patterns can be as simple as asking yourself who usually makes the decisions about where to go to dinner or what movie to see, then reversing the roles of active and passive decision maker. Little changes like this can help add feelings of equality to your relationship.

Set Goals

One effective way to start developing your relationship is by setting goals for how you want your relationship to be. People have five-year plans for their careers and their family, but they rarely make plans for their intimate relationships. Ask yourself what you really want out of your relationship and write down your goals. Check to see if your behavior matches the list. It is important to think about the personal changes you would need to make to reach your goals and to begin making those changes immediately.

Unilaterally Disarm

In the interest of advancing interpersonal relationships, I always suggest that people unilaterally disarm. If countries were to do this, it just might save the world. At the very least, it could save your relationship. Unilaterally disarming requires you to not be reactive and lash out even when you are provoked. This doesn’t mean you will stop having opinions and suddenly agree with everything your partner says, but you will choose to approach problems with a cooler head. If you find yourself getting into a heated disagreement, it helps to think about the bigger picture and say, “I really want to be close to you and that’s more important than having this argument.” If your partner says or does something that hurts your feelings, say how you feel without implying blame. When we blame our partners, as in “When you were insensitive to me, you made me feel bad,” their natural reaction will usually be defensive. However, if you say your feelings without implying blame, you give the other person a chance to feel empathy and to really listen to what you have to say. (On a personal note, my husband is much better at unilateral disarmament than I am and I cannot tell you how effective it is and how much I appreciate him for it.)

Look Deeper

The reason we all find relationships so painful and difficult at times is because they are perfect vehicles for living out negative feelings we’ve carried with us since childhood. As much as we may love our partners, we are conditioned to project our negative self-image and unresolved pain onto them. Our defenses, which we developed to deal with childhood pain and trauma, are not just a factor in how our relationships play out, but also influence our choices of whom to be in a relationship with. The fact that we tend to choose partners who are especially good at triggering and recreating our childhood defenses is a sad truth. Because of this, it is very important to be aware of strong emotional reactions that get triggered in our current relationships and trace them back to their source. By identifying the seeds our current feelings sprout from, we are able to demystify the things that trouble us most in our relationships and approach our partners from a rational, adult perspective.  For example, a friend of mine would react strongly whenever his girlfriend interrupted him. It was a source of tension between them for years as he felt like she wasn’t really listening to him. Thinking back, he realized that his reaction came from deep feelings of not being listened to as a child (his mother was too focused on herself to pay him proper attention). Realizing this, the dramatic feeling he once felt being interrupted dissipated and he stopped thinking his girlfriend was being disrespectful of him.

Break the Bond

As individuals move deeper into relationships, it is common for them to begin to see their partners as extensions of themselves. They become bound together as a couple and a fantasy bond, an illusion of connection, forms between them. As this happens, the quality of their relating deteriorates. One problem with seeing our partners as extensions of ourselves is that it becomes much easier to (be hypercritical of them in the same way we are hypercritical of ourselves. If they do something that we think is embarrassing, for instance, we feel ashamed. Seeing your partner as a reflection on you not only builds up resentment and pressure, it also kills your ability to see them realistically. Another problem is that in forming bonds we often lose sight of the other person as a separate individual and begin overstepping their boundaries. It is very important to recognize your partner as a separate person with their own thoughts and feelings. By respecting your partner’s sovereignty as someone with their own thoughts and feelings, who is different from you, you can actually strengthen your relationship. By breaking those bonds and approaching our loved ones with fresh eyes and open minds, we get to know them again as their true selves and can create a more meaningful relationship as two caring individuals.

Conclusion

If you think back on all your previous romantic involvements, the common denominator in every single one of them was you. As George Castanza once said in Seinfield when a girlfriend tried to break up with him using the It’s not you, it’s me excuse, “Nobody tells me it’s them not me, if it’s anybody it’s me.” Although, in reality it is never just you or me, we could all take a lesson from George. By taking these steps to develop ourselves, we can change our relationships. With the season of resolutions fast upon us, I can’t think of a more worthy enterprise.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships

by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa A. Firestone, Joyce Catlett

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations
by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa Firestone, Joyce Catlett, Pat Love

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Some of the most destructive behaviors, commonplace in relationships, are those that people act out in an attempt to ward off loving responses from their partner. In The Ethics of Interpersonal Relationships, I wrote about the dynamics underlying this phenomenon, explaining why we often punish the very person who appreciates and acknowledges us for our positive qualities. The fact that our lover sees us in a way that does not correspond to the negative identity we formed early in life disturbs our psychological equilibrium. Unfortunately, many of us defend our inaccurate negative perceptions of ourselves and resist being viewed in a more positive light. On an unconscious level, we sense that if we were to accept love, the whole world, as we have known it, would be altered and we would no longer know who we are.

It is actually painful on an emotional level to see ourselves as better than we have always believed ourselves to be. In fact, challenging our negative identity arouses anxiety. However, most people react almost immediately and do something to put distance between them and their partner before the anxiety ever reaches conscious awareness. They tend to feel angry at the other person for “luring” them into a less defended position. Often they provoke their partner and induce him or her to criticize or depreciate them thereby confirming their negative identity.

The reasons we avoid love or retreat from a loving relationship can be traced to childhood. During the formative years, people internalize both positive and negative attitudes that their parents had toward them. They easily assimilate parents’ positive attitudes into their self-system; however, parents’ negative attitudes become a nonintegrated, alien part of the personality, the anti-self system. By the time people reach adulthood, most have formed defenses to protect the harsh point of view that now makes up a significant part of their self-image.

People’s intolerance of love and intimacy is not only based on the fear of being vulnerable and open to another person, but also on existential fears. Being close to another in a loving relationship makes us aware that life is precious, and that it will come to an end. When we embrace love, we embrace life; and in embracing life, we face death’s inevitability. When people experience the unique combination of love and sex in a committed, meaningful relationship, they feel that they have more to lose, and are poignantly aware of the fragility of the physical body and the preciousness of life. For this reason, many try to avoid such experiences. It appears that on an unconscious level, they fear being loved and valued because it does make them more vulnerable and aware of their mortality.

It is logical that when faced with pain and frustration in our developmental years, we formed psychological defenses to alleviate our discomfort and anxiety. Later, existential issues of aloneness and an awareness of our eventual demise added to our fears and contributed to a defensive denial of feeling. Paradoxically, the same defenses that helped us to survive the emotional pain of our childhood are not only maladaptive in adulthood and limit our potential for living a full life, but they also lead to the unintentional acting out of harmful behaviors toward others, especially the people closest to us: our mates and our children.

One way that people alter a partner’s feelings is to hold back the personal qualities and behaviors that their partner was originally attracted to or especially loved and admired. The person being withheld from is left feeling emotionally hungry, confused, frustrated, and desperate, which leads to an exaggerated focus on the person who has created the distance through withholding. Ultimately, patterns of withholding practiced by one partner can effectively change the other person’s positive feelings of love to hostility, anger or even worse, to indifference.

We don’t usually think in terms of human rights issues when considering what is at play in interpersonal relationships. However, family researchers have observed that people tend to commit the most egregious human rights violations in their closest, most intimate associations. We are guiltyof such violations when someone’s love challenges our negative self-concept, and, in our desperation to defend ourselves, we disrespect their feelings and use means that are hurtful to push them away.

My associates and I have developed a powerful therapy technique, which we refer to as Voice Therapy, to identify and challenge negative or unethical behavior in interpersonal relationships. The procedures identify the source of most personal problems by revealing a partially conscious system of self critical and hostile attitudes that people harbor towards themselves and others. In this therapy, clients learn to recognize their negative internal dialogue, and then take action against its being lived out destructively. They develop a more objective and realistic self-concept and build up their tolerance for love in intimate relationships. In becoming aware of the underlying threat to their sense of well being and to their feeling for others, people can learn to live by an implicit morality that is basically humane and respectful of each person’s individual rights.

Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, author, theorist and artist. He is the Consulting Theorist for the non-profit,The Glendon Association. He is author of many books including Voice Therapy, The Fantasy Bond, Compassionate Child-Rearing, Fear of Intimacy and Beyond Death Anxiety among others. He has published more than 30 professional articles and chapters for edited volumes, and produced 35 video documentaries. His art can be viewed on www.theartofrwfirestone.com.

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Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen once wrote, “Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.” This simple statement sets a perfect scene in our minds of what jealousy feels like; Others are happy, overtly joyful or secretly mocking, while we are left alone to look like a fool.

However, what drives us to feel jealous and suffer over this stirring emotion isn’t always the “smiling enemies” we formulate in our minds. The “sexy secretary” and “college love” are rarely the threats we think they are, but the overwhelming, possessed state of suspicion we enter because of these characters, can be a real hazard to our closest relationships.

Jealousy itself can take on a sort of wicked presence in our lives. Actions taken on its behalf have been known to crush a budding romance, slowly erode a longstanding union or even lead to serious abuse. In a blog I recently wrote for The Huffington Post on “sexting” cheating couples out of real intimacy, I described how the ease and accessibility of technology now breeds even more distrust and deception between couples. Email, text messaging and Facebook can be a perfect platform for forging new connections. And as the floodgates of communication open, the green waves of jealousy begin to flow.

Jealousy isn’t something we have much control over. In truth, it is a natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point or another. The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity or shame. I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn’t the threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts.

Think about the thoughts we have when we feel jealous. Lurking behind the paranoia toward our partners, or the criticisms toward a perceived third-party threat, are often critical thoughts toward ourselves. Thoughts like, “What does he see in her?” can quickly turn into “She is so much prettier/thinner/more successful than me!” Even when our worst fears materialize and we learn of a partner’s affair, we frequently react by directing anger at ourselves for being “foolish, unlovable, ruined or unwanted.”

These critical inner voices and the feelings of humiliation that they foster can be more painful to us than the threat itself. They can also be more real. This negative self-coaching accompanies us into our personal relationships and instills in us a level of doubt and criticism that keeps us from perceiving ourselves as truly lovable. It reminds us to be suspicious with thoughts like, “She doesn’t really care about you” or “You can’t trust him. Just keep him at a distance.”

This internal coach was formed from negative experiences we had as children. Whether we were witness to a destructive interpersonal relationship or were made to feel bad about ourselves by a significant parental figure, we internalized these experiences by identifying with the destructive attitudes that were being expressed. If we felt insignificant because we were ignored, it is very likely we have carried this insecurity with us into adulthood and into any romantic relationship we form.

Many of us are often unaware of the basic shame that exists within us, because it comes so naturally to think self-critical thoughts about ourselves. Yet, shame from our past can heavily influence the degree to which we feel jealous and insecure in the present. In a serious relationship, real hurt from rejection or betrayal can trigger old feelings that there is something basically wrong with us.

In the same way, this inner critic turns on us, it also turns on those closest to us. When we notice ourselves fostering unwarranted suspicions or accusing our partners of being “distracted, rejecting, insensitive or cruel,” it is important to consider how much of this is our real point of view and how much is a product of the coaching of our critical inner voice. Are these criticisms based on real events or actions? Are our unfavorable reactions disproportionate to the situation?

While real rejections do hurt, long-term harm is primarily caused by how our critical inner voice continues to criticize and influence us long after the incident is over. When we listen to destructive self-coaching that fuels our insecurity and distrust, we risk acting on our emotions to a degree that hurts both us and those close to us. Over time, we become less like the person we really are and more like the person our critical inner voice is defining us as.

For example, when we end up searching our partner’s cell phone for suspicious texts or restricting our partner from having friends of the opposite sex, we may be acting on old self-doubt and mistrust that has nothing to do with current circumstances. Even if we do then find a text message from an ex in our partner’s phone or hear that our partner hung out with an attractive co-worker at a company event, we may overreact in a way that neither we nor our partners are likely to respect.

Accepting these negative attacks and not challenging them can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy by creating actual distance between ourselves and our partners, pushing them further away from us, perhaps ultimately into another person’s arms. Even when our “worst fears” are realized, no act of dishonesty or even infidelity should be used as evidence for the attacks our critical inner voice has been leveling against us.

Understanding the roots, triggers and reasons for our feelings of jealousy is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship. To do this, we must be aware of the critical inner voices driving our uncertainties and self-doubt. If we can identify these thoughts, we can challenge them as the “smiling enemies” they are, the ones that want us to wind up alone. We can act against the thoughts that tell us to be suspicious, mistrusting and accusatory.

Though challenging these thoughts may initially make us anxious and may even intensify the voice attacks in the short run, in the long run it will strengthen us as individuals and improve our trust and communication with our partners. The more we weaken this internal enemy, the more we strengthen a positive sense of self. This will enable us to accept the reality that we are loved and reject the misperception that we are going to be betrayed. And if there were an infidelity, we would be much better able to get through it if we weren’t letting our critical inner voice get the better of us.

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

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There is a good, sound argument for how technology can bring two people together. Countless couples have now met, married, forged unions, and had children as a result of a dating website, a Facebook chat, or a bold text message. Technology has provided a new platform for millions of people to take that first step in a relationship. This has been especially helpful to people who are shy, overworked, or just too exhausted to make a consistent effort to get out and meet someone.

Between smart phones and the Internet, the possibilities for flirtation are now endless. This can be healthy when it comes to keeping the spark alive between a couple, particularly one enduring forced separations. It can also be beneficial to two people first getting to know each other; it’s much easier to ask for a date by text than face-to-face. The so-called “sexting” that takes place between two people getting together can be positive when the flirtation turns into action, i.e. when the text messaged invitation becomes the actual first date. The trouble arises when devices become a substitute for real relating. When it comes to love in the time of technology, there are four elements (what I call the four D’s) that we all should be wary of: Distraction, Disconnection, Desensitization, and Dishonesty.

Distraction
Relationships are hard work. The baggage each person carries with them weighs heavily on the way a couple relates to each other. Caring for someone deeply can trigger old feelings, memories, and fears. The closer things get, the more obstacles we should expect to encounter. Devices are a major distraction from the real challenges that arise in a relationship. Passing time on our Blackberry helps us avoid major issues or problems that are lying right next to us in bed. When the going gets tough, the tough start texting.

This problem is one that has been explored by Dr. Pat Love, the acclaimed author of “The Truth About Love” and “Hot Monogamy,” and it’s one I discussed with her recently when we were recording our upcoming webinar, “Love in the Time of Twitter.” We wanted to explore how interpersonal relationships have been impacted by new media and explore how love can be preserved in the face of such colossal distraction. As Love recently wrote, “Other than breathing we spend more time streaming technology than any other activity … This constant state of stimulation leaves little room for contemplation, mindfulness, and deep intimacy, which are all necessary for maintaining relationships.”

A damaged connection can lead us to start looking for excitement or romance in other places, like Twitter, Facebook, or exes whose numbers are conveniently programmed into our cell phones. This communication doesn’t always lead to deception or infidelity, but the distraction alone inhibits us from repairing the connection we have with our partners. It limits our ability to attune to our partners and be sensitive to their needs and aware of what lights them up. Time spent with devices can keep us from taking the time to talk through problems, resolve arguments, or simply spend time enjoying each other — actions that would rekindle the spark we initially felt in our relationships.

Disconnection

The trouble with much of the flirting we do via email, text, or live chat is that it can be highly impersonal. Many of the examples we’ve seen of “sexting,” from everyone from close friends to high-profile politicians, seem to cross the line from real relating to total fantasy. The trouble is that people often prefer the intoxicating illusion of connection and sense of possibility to the everyday acts of romance that are available to them. As I said before, relationships bring real challenges that we can easily avoid in a cyber world. The deeper we travel into fantasy, the further we drift from what is really important to us, who we really are, and what we really want. We replace a deep and meaningful connection with surface pleasures that fail to fulfill us in the long run.

Desensitization
Technology has the wonderfully destructive ability to tune us out. The outlets for instant gratification have invaded our homes in the form of apps, online shops, games, videos, social media, and more. We rarely have to face our fears on Facebook or feel our anger over a game of Angry Birds. Technology can numb us from pain, but it also numbs us from passion. Any activity we use to cut off negative emotions has the unfortunate effect of diminishing positive emotions as well. This can be particularly taxing on our intimate relationships. If we use the little energy we have left at the end of a day to return emails or surf the Web, think about what we are sacrificing in the way of attunement, affection, passion, and personal exchange.

Dishonesty
One of the most glaring downsides of new media is that, in many relationships, it has bred an environment of deception and distrust. We now not only live in a world where many people think it okay to search through their partner’s cell phone, but a world in which these same people often find something that confirms their suspicions. From flirty texts to secret lives, people have used technology not just to escape but to deceive.

This deception can take place when we withhold information from our partner that we fear will make him or her jealous. It can take place when we substitute the excitement of a secret flirtation for the passion we once felt in our relationship. It can even occur when we deceive ourselves that the relationships we forge and people we meet online are perfect or superior to our imperfect, real-life unions. In this sense, we can use varying degrees of “sexting” as a build-up of ourselves or a way to feel dirty or bad about ourselves. In either case, we are avoiding the truth, preferring an illusion of what could be over what we really have.

The solution to the problem of technology invading our relationships is far from hopeless. In each individual case, one must examine how he or she uses technology and whether or not that use is distancing him or her from a loved one. If it is being used as a distraction, what are we avoiding? If it is being used as a desensitizer, what pain are we not facing? The sentiment may be easier said than done, but it holds true that it is always better to do the hard part, challenge ourselves to get close, and fight to have a satisfying relationship. In this journey, we can use technology to get closer as opposed to moving further away from each other. We can use it to ask sensitive questions about each other’s day, to plan an exciting night together, or to keep connected in a world where one million distractions are always readily available, if not in the ceaseless streaming of gadgets but the never-ending output of our own minds.

Click Here To read more from Dr. Lisa Firestone on Relationships 

To watch exclusive video interviews with Dr. Pat Love visit PsychAlive.org

Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships

by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa A. Firestone, Joyce Catlett

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts and Live Free from Imagined Limitations
by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa Firestone, Joyce Catlett, Pat Love

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