Summer vacations are too often talked about as fleeting episodes of bliss, short-term fairy tales set against tropical beaches and mystic sunsets. Yet the idea that our vacation lifestyle is the product of fantasy and that, in the end, we must return to our “real lives” can actually be entirely backward. In fact, it is often when we are on vacation and “letting go” that we are our truest selves, existing outside the roles and regulations we adhere to in our daily lives.

Naturally, the freedom we feel from responsibility plays a big role in our ability to relax and take time to do what we most enjoy. This freedom further awards us openness to new experiences, new people and new ways of relating to our loved ones.

The trouble is not that when we come home we return to our daily responsibilities; it is that we put a stop to the ways of being that we allowed ourselves to enjoy on vacation in favor of a routine manner of living and relating to our partners.

So for those of us who’ve been under the impression that summer love is as likely to fade as a summer suntan, here are some tips for bringing the intoxicating intimacy we experience on vacation home with us.

1. Bring newfound interests home with you
When we go on vacation our interest is in trying new things and expanding our identity. In our day-to-day lives, we often do just the opposite by putting ourselves into boxes we believe to be practical, safe or sensible. Away from home, in a foreign location, we are open to new activities: sports, food, clothes and customs. So when we find an activity we connect to, there is no reason not to take this interest home with us.

True, one may not be able to scale the Swiss Alps in Kansas or scuba dive in Nevada, but we can seek ways to adapt our new interest to our everyday life. Plus, it isn’t necessarily the skiing or seafood that made our vacation an exhilarating experience, but our openness to new activities that ignited a spirit of adventure in us. When we keep up this curiosity and sense of discovery, we feel more alive to ourselves and to our partners.

After a vacation of stepping onto the dance floor, jumping into the ocean and saying “yes just because this may be our only chance,” it is all too easy to fall back into the trap of making the excuses of two left feet or a bad back or to say “no because there’s plenty of time to do that.” Remember spontaneity need not be seasonal. We should never assume that just because we have to go back home we have to go back to the same old habits that although familiar, make life boring to us. The expanded knowledge we gain of ourselves while on vacation is an education that ought to continue well beyond the moment we claim our baggage.

2. Don’t give up “vacation sex”
In the 90’s film The Story of Us, a married couple played by Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer return from a romantic vacation in Italy and lay in bed trying to prioritize whether to complete a letter or to have sex. In a moment of awkward frustration, the husband blurts out, ”I just don’t want us to get to the point where we can’t make love unless there’s a concierge downstairs.”

There’s a reason the term “vacation sex” was coined. On vacation we tend to be more open, free of routines and habitual ways of relating that have replaced real connecting in our relationship. This mode of imagined relating is what psychologist Robert W. Firestone, refers to as a “fantasy bond.” A fantasy bond represents a fused identity as a couple that replaces the initial excitement and mutual respect we once felt as two individuals who loved and cared for each other. When we give up our individuality for the security of imagining that we are part of a couple, we lose the attraction we once felt toward each other. By letting go of habitual ways that we relate to each other as well as our resentments and assumptions about each other, we are more vulnerable, attractive and attracted to our partners and more open to affection and physical intimacy.

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Lisa Firestone , PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Other Posts by This Author:
Living Life on Your Own Terms
Suicide: The Warning Signs
Preventing Teen Suicide
More–

Anyone who has indulged in romantic comedies like When Harry Met Sally, As Good as it Gets, Moonstruck or pretty much anything starring Sandra Bullock knows the theme of opposites attracting and enemies becoming lovers. This theme has been around since the beginning of time; We see it in Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew and Jane Austen’s Emma. Yet as much as many a film, novel or play would like us to believe it, we aren’t all that likely to fall in love with someone we initially cannot stand. But a new article begs the question, can we learn to fall in love with someone with whom we don’t initially feel that special “spark.”

Sure, attraction is necessary to starting any relationship, but how much do we depend on that initial attraction as a sign of lasting love? As a recent article by Dr. Robert Epstein puts it, “I don’t believe you can fall in love with absolutely anyone, but there are many people around us with whom we could very deliberately create lasting love.”

It may not seem that romantic: meeting someone, liking that person enough to give him or her a chance, then seeing whether strong feelings can develop toward that person. But Dr. Epstein’s article recommends we look at love a different way. In his interview with www.psychologies.co.uk, Dr. Epstein advises that we not be so passive in waiting for love to find us, to strike us with Cupid’s piercing arrow and overwhelm us with mental and physical attraction. Instead, he encourages people to be more open to love, more open to the flaws in our partners and less dependent on the notion that we have only one true  soulmate. Dr. Epstein goes on to warn us that the more we idealize a partner in the early stages of a relationship, the more disappointed we will be to eventually discover this person isn’t as perfect as we’d imagined.

So how can we make the best choice for ourselves? How can we learn to fall  in love and stay in love?

In the early stage of selecting a partner, it’s important to consider the ideal qualities we should look for in that partner that would lead to an ideal relationship. These qualities include maturity, non-defensiveness, honesty, empathy and a sense of humor (among others). When two people find these qualities in each other and make the choice to be together, they often possess strong feelings for each other that are very real to them: mutual respect, attraction and appreciation. By establishing that our partners possess these qualities, we can  feel confident that we have made a high-level choice for ourselves and can feel more comfortable sharing life closely with that person.

Once a relationship becomes more serious, it’s important to be wary of the ways we can become overly critical toward our partners. As much as we all say we want love, there are many defenses we possess that protect us from allowing ourselves to fully experience love and allow it to remain in our lives. Old hurts, memories and systems we once used to protect ourselves can unconsciously resurface when we get close to someone.

These defenses can take the shape of an internal enemy. This enemy is always there to put us down and threaten to sabotage our happiness. Think of all the times a voice inside your head told you not to ask out someone you like, not to be vulnerable to your partner, not to trust someone you love or not to believe that you are cared about. This same “critical inner voice” that turns on us can turn on our partners. Try to be wary of this voice and separate your real feelings from those you may be projecting from old defenses.

The more we act on our defenses, the more likely we are to replace the real love we once felt for our partners with a more routinized and dulled manner of relating. We may take the actions associated with being in love  like going out or moving in together, but as we do these things, we may not feel the same initial excitement we had toward our partners.

When we act on our defenses or listen to our critical inner voices, we are far less likely to remain vulnerable to those we love. We may protect ourselves with thoughts like: She never even thinks of me anymore, He’s not attracted to you, She’s going to leave you, so don’t get too close. Indulging in these thoughts can leave us distanced from our partners and our loving, attracted feelings. At the same time, we may not want to lose the security of being in a relationship, so we form what Dr. Robert Firestone refers to as a “fantasy bond.” The fantasy bond is an illusion of connection that allows us to maintain the form of a relationship, while losing our loving feelings toward our partners.

There are many ways to keep a relationship healthy and avoid the trappings of a fantasy bond. For one, we can have integrity in maintaining the ideal qualities in ourselves that support a healthy relationship. We can also be aware of the “critical inner voices” telling us to pull away from our loving feelings. Lastly, we can look for signs we are engaging in a fantasy bond and actively seek to interrupt these patterns.

Click here to read Dr. Epstein’s article “Can You Learn to Love Anyone?”

Related Articles:
Understanding Fear of Intimacy
How do I Know if I Have a Fantasy Bond?
Seven Real Vows to make Your Marriage Last
The Inner Voice that Undermines Your Relationship
How to Make Love Last by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
Seven Qualities of an Ideal Partner

Watch psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss “The Qualities of an Ideal Relationship”:

Watch psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss “Why We Keep Making the Same Bad Choices”:

When couples first get together the original “spark” they feel can become the mysterious element that alludes them later in their relationship. While many couples call it quits when they stop feeling that early flame, some stick it out accepting that relationships change, and the initial excitement cannot last in any relationship. Accepting defeat is the downfall of any relationship. The more people challenge themselves and work through their own defenses, the closer they can get to their partners, the more love they feel and the more the spark in the relationship remains alive and well.

Some key tips on how to keep relationships feeling fresh and exciting:

1. Respect your partner’s boundaries – What originally drew us to our partners was who they were independently of us.  We must not try to mold them into something or someone else nor should we disregard their personal boundaries. We are better able to offer respect and support by never thinking of our partners as a part of us. It may feel safer to think of our partners as our right arm, but soon we are no more attracted to our partners then we are to our right arm.

2. Make sure you don’t replace real love with a fantasy of love – When spontaneity is set aside in favor of routine or when choosing to be together becomes feeling obligated to be together, we are not expressing real feelings of love but adherence to an idea of love. This inclination toward form over substance is what psychologist Dr. Robert Firestone, refers to as the “fantasy bond.” This illusion of connection allows us to feel secure and attached to a person without having a real feeling of love for that person. We are less threatened by a “fantasy bond” then a real connection, as it allows us to feel that we are not alone or that we are taken care of, while diminishing the pain or vulnerability that comes with having strong feelings for another person.

3. Be honest, not critical - Once we start feeling comfortable tearing our partners apart, we lose respect for them and for ourselves. Respecting a loved one means never mistreating them but being honest with them about who we are and what we feel. If a quality they have bothers us, we shouldn’t sit on it and let it seep out in cynical comments, the rolling of eyes or loss of attraction. Instead, we should them how we feel in a way that is sensitive and invite them to share similar feelings with us. We must remember to be as open to what they say as we hope they will be to what we say. When we are punishing or defensive, we are indirectly (or sometimes directly) shutting our partners up and training them not to be honest with us.

4. Be independent – Marriage, moving in together and building a family are all meaningful ventures in life. However, the conception that sharing life means fusing into a single entity can hurt any relationship. Couples are made up of two individuals. The more these individuals treat each other as equals, as oppose to complementary parts, the more whole they will feel in themselves. When people feel secure in themselves, the more attractive they will be to their partners, and the more they  offer to the relationship.

To read more about “The Marriage Shift” visit HealthKey.com

Watch Dr. Lisa Firestone talk to PsychAlive about the “Fantasy Bond”

Related Articles:
Seven Real Vows to Make Your Marriage Last by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
How do I Know if I Have a Fantasy Bond?
The Inner Voice that Undermines Your Relationship
How to Make Love Last

June is the most popular month for weddings. The questions overwhelming many soon-to-be newlyweds tend to involve dresses, cakes, guests and venues. When you think about it, although the price tag and party planning committee tend to be larger, the concerns of the engaged couple are not so different from the concerns we held as small children about to experience a birthday party. With all the fun and fuss of planning a wedding, the focus on the “ever after” can sometimes be overshadowed by the events of “The Big Day.”

As brides and grooms all over the world sit down to write their vows and envision their futures with their spouses, they may not realize that the vows they should be making have much less to do with what they are pledging to their partners and much more to do with a promise they are making to themselves. The question all of those getting married (or are already married for that matter) should be asking is, “What can I bring to the marriage that will keep my love, excitement and appreciation of my partner alive?”

What individuals who’ve been in lasting relationships often discover is that the promises that make marriage last have less to do with devotion and more to do with equality, less to do with union and more to do with independence and respect. With that in mind, here are seven vows that, if kept in the forefront of a person’s thoughts and actions, will help to keep a relationship as romantic, exciting and enjoyable as the wedding itself.

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PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Other Posts by This Author:
Living Life on Your Own Terms
Suicide: The Warning Signs
Preventing Teen Suicide
More–

VIDEO: Watch Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss topics of self, intimacy and parenting at PsychAlive’s Video Center

Openness and honesty are integral parts of making a relationship work. When a relationship stops working, you often hear of couples arguing or ignoring each other to an extent in which it no longer seems possible for them to communicate clearly. Common communication hazards in couple relationships include: the surfacing of critical attitudes, harsh, insensitive statements, talking over each other, failing to listen to each other or look for truth in each other’s statements, defensiveness or unwillingness to see things from a partner’s perpective. These common pitfalls can land people in situations in which they no longer feel close to their partner and no longer can talk about why that is. Take this quiz to find out how well you communicate with your partner. Then read PsychAlive’s Three Ways We Make  Communication Impossible and listen to the podcast Minute of the Mind: Couple Communication Skills.

As little girls most of us have some hope or dream of finding our very own Prince Charming, and as we grow up it feels like we’re always looking for him: at school,  in bars, online, at parties, at Whole Foods Market, at the gym and so on. In my search I kept looking and looking. I was 20 years old, in college and had recently lost a lot of weight, so I was feeling pretty confident. Guys were approaching me, but there was no one who I really liked all that much, and I never felt that magic spark or chemistry I had heard so much about.

For a long time I blamed the guy: either he wasn’t funny enough, smart enough, good looking enough, too good looking, had no ambition, didn’t give me enough attention, gave me too much attention and the list went on. Finally, there came a day when I was ready to give up. I thought maybe I should just have fun, sleep around like a lot of my friends were doing at the time, but I couldn’t bring myself to give up my principles and personal integrity like that. Instead, I started wondering about myself: could I be doing something wrong? am I looking in the wrong places? looking for the wrong person? I realized I didn’t even know the qualities I liked in a guy. I knew what I didn’t like, but I was so focused on the negatives that I was blind to any positive traits the poor guy may have had.

From then on I decided to try a new approach, sort of an experiment in self-exploration. Basically, I decided to go out with whoever asked me, even if I wasn’t necessarily physically attracted to him at first. Now of course this is within reason- I trusted my gut reaction and did not go with anyone who gave off a creepy vibe. Most of the guys I met through friends, at parties, on campus somewhere or at Starbucks. I made a conscious effort to be open minded. If the guy had the courage to ask me out, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Over a period of  six months I went out on dates with seven or eight guys, mostly just first dates, but there were a couple second dates too. Overall I learned a lot about myself, even if I didn’t get a boyfriend out of it. I think one of the most important things I did was that I went into each date with a curious attitude, I wanted to know about the person and was interested in what I would like and wouldn’t like if I just tried to get to know him rather than going into the situation with the goal of finding the perfect boyfriend (or husband).  As an added bonus, I found that if I went into the date with that open attitude, it was much easier to be myself, to talk and  to laugh. Some element of pressure I had been putting on myself was removed. I didn’t care if it worked out or not. I hoped to meet someone interesting and attractive, but I didn’t attack or criticize myself or the guy if we weren’t a good fit.

A few months after this so-called experiment was over, a cute guy walked into the coffee shop where I worked. After a few weeks of taking his order and making his double short lattes, he asked me out. Some of the butterflies and nervousness came up again, probably because I was attracted to him and wanted things to work out, but, in general, I tried to apply what I had learned. I was open and tried not to be critical or judgmental.  It turned out we were a good fit, and it’s lasted.  I don’t think it would have worked out if I hadn’t learned what I did.
So here are a few recommendations when looking for your Mr. Right:

1. Be open to re-evaluating your expectations, and maybe even yourself. We can’t hold on to that dream of Prince Charming forever. It doesn’t exist. Don’t look for perfection. Be realistic, look at the whole package. There will be things you like and don’t like about anyone you meet. Try to find a balance, hopefully leaning more toward the side of things you do like.

2.  Look for someone you already like as a person, not for someone you’re going to change. Sometimes we get into the mindset that we want to rescue someone, or change the “bad boy” into a good man. The truth is people have to want to change on their own.If you try to change a man, it’s likely he’ll end up resenting you for it, and that does not make for a healthy relationship.

3. Try to let your guard down. Let him know you like him, avoid playing hard to get because he might not want to play. Being yourself can be tough in new dating situations. There’s always the fear of being hurt or humiliated, but allowing yourself be vulnerable is the best way to take a relationship to the next level.

- Sarah Adams

Sarah Adams is a social worker in Santa Barbara, CA. She earned her Master of Arts in Social Work at the University of Southern California and now works with youth and teenagers in Santa Barbara.

“Going through my things after we decided to get divorced was like going through someone’s Estate.  It reminded me of how it felt when my grandmother passed away, only here I felt like I was the one who had died.” Rick told me this as we caught up over coffee a few weeks ago where, after discussing the usual random topics like the latest episode of The Office, I spoke of the memorial for a friend I had been to the day before and he talked about his pending divorce. I wasn’t sure what to say at the time, but his comment has stuck with me, and now I feel compelled to write about it.

The analogy between death and divorce seems an apt one, especially if the relationship that has ended was a long one.  But what really had died?  Rick and Allison had been together for 14 years, nearly all of their adult lives.  For Rick, being a part of “Rick and Allison” was a big part of what defined him, and losing the “we” part of his identity was like dying.  He did not know how to be an “I.”

“Here’s how it happened: It was a Thursday night and when I came home from work, she was sitting there with an open bottle of wine.  She poured me a glass and said that we had to talk.  Never a good thing to hear from your partner.  She told me that she thought I should move out.  She said that we had been growing apart for a long time, and that she did not feel like she was in love with me anymore. It turns out she had reconnected with an old boyfriend on Facebook, and she had decided that she wanted to pursue that relationship.  The way she presented it, it was already a done deal.  I told her, ‘Ok. If that’s what you want, I will do what I can. She left that night to stay with a friend, and I tried to keep myself together.”

At first he hoped they might get back together, but as time went on, he wasn’t sure he really wanted her back. He was in mourning, not for Allison exactly, but for their relationship.

“I don’t know if I even missed her that much.  It was more the shock of her leaving me that hurt than the actual absence of Allie.  We had been together for such a long time, and in the end I guess we really were leading separate lives.  But when she told me she wanted me to move out…Man, that was a sucker punch.”

The first few months were really difficult for Rick.  He woke up, went to work, came home, watched TV or read, drank too much, went to sleep and then started it all over the next day.  But then he started talking to people, started coming out of his shell.  Before, when he went to dinner with Allison, he went as part of a couple: the waiters and other patrons didn’t notice him; he was an invisible part of the landscape to them. And he didn’t notice them either; his only focus was on his wife. But now when he went out in his neighborhood, people greeted him.  Going to dinner at his favorite restaurant meant the owner would come by for a chat, bring him an appetizer on the house, sit with him for a while over a glass of wine.  He was becoming a part of the community. Rick was waking up.

“A few months later, even though she’s the one who had wanted to leave, Allie asked me why I didn’t fight for her.  Why I didn’t love her enough to beg her to stay with me.  This made me so angry, since when she sprung the whole thing on me, there was no way I could have budged her. There was nothing I could have said that would have changed her mind. Here she was saying she resented me for not fighting for her.

Around this time, Rick began dating someone, which helped him to recover a sense of himself, even though the relationship didn’t work out in the end.  This other woman once asked him what he would do if Allison wanted to get back together.

“I didn’t know how to answer that question at the time, but later I was grateful she asked it.  Because Allison did eventually say she wanted to be with me again, and if I hadn’t already thought it through, I might have jumped at the chance.  But when it came down to it, I realized that the reasons I would get back together with her were about proving something to myself, winning something over her, and it would not have been because I loved her or really wanted her.  So I said no.

After listening to this story, I asked Rick if he still felt like he had died.

“Yes, I do.  But it’s not such a bad thing.  I might not be a part of Rick & Allison anymore, but at least I know what it feels like to be Rick.”

- Kristina Jansen

Kristina Jansen earned her Master of Arts in Anthropology from the University of California, San Diego and  is a regular contributor to PsychAlive on a variety of subjects including cultural studies and couple relationships.

In June, during the first warm days of summer, we behold the most popular month to get married, while in the frosty winter month of January, we witness the most divorces. Throughout the wedding season, many of us are filled with feelings of optimism and hope for lasting romance. Yet, weather aside, by the time a colder season sets in, many people are left asking themselves what causes a marriage (or any serious relationship for that matter) to turn icy and warm feelings of love to freeze over.

Often, when a couple comes to therapy dissatisfied with or worried about their relationship, there are certain patterns that can be observed. A shift has often taken place within the couple that has left them estranged from their early feelings of tenderness and attraction. This shift involves a slow movement away from the romance and closeness they originally experienced toward a more routine and conventional style of relating. The initial allure or desire that drew them together and allowed them to appreciate one another for their unique qualities and attributes has been replaced by an illusion of connection, or what psychologist Robert Firestone refers to as the “Fantasy Bond.”

The fantasy bond is a mode of relating in which couples interact in a manner of form that enables them to imagine that they are close while maintaining emotional distance. Individuals in these realtionships are acting on an unconscious fear of intimacy that influences them to not be vulnerable to their partners. Couples in a fantasy bond are often impersonal, treating one another as though they are extensions of themselves. Within this imagined connection, people no longer exhibit the attributes that once drew them to their partners. Eventually, they are no longer the independent individuals who once respected and admired each other. They are acting on old, destructive defenses that keep them at an emotional distance, even as they share the same activities, responsibilities or beds.

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Lisa Firestone PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Other Posts by This Author:
Living Life on Your Own Terms
Suicide: The Warning Signs
The Over-Parenting Syndrome
More–

VIDEO: Watch Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss topics of self, intimacy and parenting at PsychAlive’s Video Center

I don’t need to tell you how the media has reacted to the shocking and strangely circumstanced affairs of Jesse James. You can’t buy your weekly groceries or check your favorite online news site without hearing all about it: the Nazi paraphernalia, the tattooed, bikini clad mistresses. But if you want to know how the public has reacted to the recent exposure of this high-profile affair, just google “poor Sandra.” And if you want to speculate just how this might affect Sandra Bullock herself or how she can cope with this humiliation, keep reading.

Firstly, it’s no surprise that the reaction to this strange story would be one of empathy. Not only is Sandra Bullock the leading lady in some of the most successful films year after year and the recently crowned best actress Oscar winner, but she is also the lovable girl-next-door who makes us laugh and, on some level, we feel we know. Add this to the fact that the more personal reports about Sandra up to this point have been about her humanitarian efforts, the million dollars she donated to Haiti and of course the little girl she fought a much publicized custody battle to adopt and raise. Finally, the thing that may have most effectively elicited our compassion was the very heartfelt, very real acknowledgment of her husband at both the Oscars and Golden Globe Awards, acceptance speeches that we all would like to give and be given as an ultimate emblem of a solid relationship.

So what happens when this solid structure of personal and professional victories starts to fall apart in the public eye, and when a seemingly strong, successful woman goes from being envied to pitied overnight? For one thing, the climate of any break-up or betrayal becomes a breeding ground for an emotion that, when examined more closely, is a bit surprising: humiliation. When you exacerbate this with the public exposure of a very private matter, one can only imagine the shame and self-criticisms that would ensue.

But why do people who have been hurt or rejected take this on as a reflection on themselves? In my 25 years as a therapist, I have often observed what my father, psychologist and theorist Dr. Robert W. Firestone, refers to as the “critical inner voice” to be the chief culprit in making break ups and affairs a matter of humiliation. While one would never think badly of a friend (or film star) who had been hurt by a significant other, rarely do people maintain the same standards for themselves. Instead, when they are hurt, they start to have harsh attacking thoughts toward themselves (critical inner voices) that tell them they are unlovable, foolish, pathetic or living a lie. In fact, most of the distress that people suffer in relation to painful events in their lives is caused by what they are telling themselves about the event, in terms of the critical inner voice, rather than the event itself.

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Lisa Firestone , PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).

Other Posts by This Author:
The Over-Parenting Syndrome
Suicide: The Warning Signs
Suicide: How You Can Help Someone at Risk
Military Suicide: A New Battle to save Lives Must Begin
Preventing Teen Suicide
Suicide Prevention Advice
More–

VIDEO: Watch Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss topics of self, intimacy and parenting at PsychAlive’s Video Center

Stories of jealousy range from the mild – a competitive comment from spouse to spouse about an attractive coworker – to the extreme – a stalker-like attempt to control a partner’s every move. While some jealousy may be a natural or instinctive reaction to the threat of losing a loved one, when jealousy takes over or appears in non-threatening circumstances, it can have a very destructive influence on a relationship.

One of the most harmful effects of jealousy is that it can lead a couple to limit eachother’s  independence. When this occurs, people can lose the individuality and strength that once attracted the very partners who are now limiting them in these ways. The result is not only that the person who feels limited will also feel less attraction to his or her partner, but that the person acting jealous may actually resent the ways in which their partner has changed.

When people feel jealous, it is important to look at themselves. Why are they reacting this way?  Are they actually being threatened in reality or are they just feeling threatened emotionally? What critical thoughts are they experiencing toward their partners and what critical thoughts are they having toward them selves as a result of these perceived threats to their relationships?

By exploring feelings of jealousy and understanding why people react (or overreact) to the things they do, we can learn more about ourselves and limit behaviors that our destructive to our partners… and ultimately ourselves.

To learn more about the roots and effects of jealousy and how to deal with jealous feelings read “Jealousy: Love’s Destroyer.”