How to Make Love Last by Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
In June, during the first warm days of summer, we behold the most popular month to get married, while in the frosty winter month of January, we witness the most divorces. Throughout the wedding season, many of us are filled with feelings of optimism and hope for lasting romance. Yet, weather aside, by the time a colder season sets in, many people are left asking themselves what causes a marriage (or any serious relationship for that matter) to turn icy and warm feelings of love to freeze over.
Often, when a couple comes to therapy dissatisfied with or worried about their relationship, there are certain patterns that can be observed. A shift has often taken place within the couple that has left them estranged from their early feelings of tenderness and attraction. This shift involves a slow movement away from the romance and closeness they originally experienced toward a more routine and conventional style of relating. The initial allure or desire that drew them together and allowed them to appreciate one another for their unique qualities and attributes has been replaced by an illusion of connection, or what psychologist Robert Firestone refers to as the “Fantasy Bond.”
The fantasy bond is a mode of relating in which couples interact in a manner of form that enables them to imagine that they are close while maintaining emotional distance. Individuals in these realtionships are acting on an unconscious fear of intimacy that influences them to not be vulnerable to their partners. Couples in a fantasy bond are often impersonal, treating one another as though they are extensions of themselves. Within this imagined connection, people no longer exhibit the attributes that once drew them to their partners. Eventually, they are no longer the independent individuals who once respected and admired each other. They are acting on old, destructive defenses that keep them at an emotional distance, even as they share the same activities, responsibilities or beds.
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Lisa Firestone 
PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006), Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).
Other Posts by This Author:
Living Life on Your Own Terms
Suicide: The Warning Signs
The Over-Parenting Syndrome
More–
VIDEO: Watch Dr. Lisa Firestone discuss topics of self, intimacy and parenting at PsychAlive’s Video Center
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