Overcoming the Real Pain of Break Ups, Affairs and Rejections
I don’t need to tell you how the media has reacted to the shocking and strangely circumstanced affairs of Jesse James. You can’t buy your weekly groceries or check your favorite online news site without hearing all about it: the Nazi paraphernalia, the tattooed, bikini clad mistresses. But if you want to know how the public has reacted to the recent exposure of this high-profile affair, just google “poor Sandra.” And if you want to speculate just how this might affect Sandra Bullock herself or how she can cope with this humiliation, keep reading.
Firstly, it’s no surprise that the reaction to this strange story would be one of empathy. Not only is Sandra Bullock the leading lady in some of the most successful films year after year and the recently crowned best actress Oscar winner, but she is also the lovable girl-next-door who makes us laugh and, on some level, we feel we know. Add this to the fact that the more personal reports about Sandra up to this point have been about her humanitarian efforts, the million dollars she donated to Haiti and of course the little girl she fought a much publicized custody battle to adopt and raise. Finally, the thing that may have most effectively elicited our compassion was the very heartfelt, very real acknowledgment of her husband at both the Oscars and Golden Globe Awards, acceptance speeches that we all would like to give and be given as an ultimate emblem of a solid relationship.
So what happens when this solid structure of personal and professional victories starts to fall apart in the public eye, and when a seemingly strong, successful woman goes from being envied to pitied overnight? For one thing, the climate of any break-up or betrayal becomes a breeding ground for an emotion that, when examined more closely, is a bit surprising: humiliation. When you exacerbate this with the public exposure of a very private matter, one can only imagine the shame and self-criticisms that would ensue.
But why do people who have been hurt or rejected take this on as a reflection on themselves? In my 25 years as a therapist, I have often observed what my father, psychologist and theorist Dr. Robert W. Firestone, refers to as the “critical inner voice” to be the chief culprit in making break ups and affairs a matter of humiliation. While one would never think badly of a friend (or film star) who had been hurt by a significant other, rarely do people maintain the same standards for themselves. Instead, when they are hurt, they start to have harsh attacking thoughts toward themselves (critical inner voices) that tell them they are unlovable, foolish, pathetic or living a lie. In fact, most of the distress that people suffer in relation to painful events in their lives is caused by what they are telling themselves about the event, in terms of the critical inner voice, rather than the event itself.
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Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, is the Director of Research and Education for The Glendon Association. Since 1987, she has been involved in clinical training and applied research in suicide and violence. In collaboration with Dr. Robert Firestone, her studies resulted in the development of the Firestone Assessment of Self-Destructive Thoughts (FAST) and the Firestone Assessment of Violent Thoughts (FAVT). Dr. Firestone has published numerous professional articles, and most recently was the co-author of the books: Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA Books, 2006),Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger, 2002), and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: The Wisdom of Psychotherapy (APA Books, 2003).
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